It’s my dad who wants to be doing some sort of ‘catch-up’ with his daughter. This is it. He knows, or I’m going to end up telling him. I know it. I can feel it, and I have no idea what I’m going to say or how it’s going to happen , but it’s all about to come out.
“Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.” I try to sound casual as I walk in and sit down. I do pretty well considering that it feels like my body is about to shake apart.
“How’s the play going?” he asks. There’s more than curiosity in his voice. He’s fishing.
“Okay.” I’m avoiding.
“I’m a little concerned because it seems like you’re gone from here for a lot more afternoons than you’re helping there, and I wanted to know what you were doing with that time away from home?” He looks at me expectantly. Mom is next to him, allowing him to handle the ‘situation.’
“I’m pregnant.” It just comes out. It actually seems safer to tell my dad that I’m pregnant than hanging out with the Mormon kids at their church. How’s that for crazy?
“What!” My mom stands up behind him. She’s not mad. She’s pissed. Dad’s face is turning several colors of purply red and my mom’s body trembles with anger.
Dad waves his hand back for her to sit down. She does it. Just one little wave of his hand and she sits. Every part of her still shows anger and disbelief. Her face, her shoulders, her hands in fists.
My dad clears his throat. “Who’s the father?” He means to be answered.
“It’s not important , D ad,” I answer quietly. I’m not going to tell him. I can’t do that to Lucas.
He growls out a chuckle. It’s not a good sound. “Oh, no. It is definitely important.”
“I’m putting the baby up for adoption . I don’t even know if he knows yet. It’s just not important.” I’m determined. I want to fast forward past the next ten to thirty minutes of my life until this conversation is over. Unfortunately I’m stuck here. I don’t have that superpower.
“Well it’s important to me!” He stands up, no longer able to contain his volume.
I sit, waiting to hear what he’ll say next. Seriously, what else can I do? Yelling back won’t help, admitting everything won’t help. It’ll just make things worse for more people than me. No one else needs to be involved in this right now.
“You can’t just put this baby up for adoption , Danielle. It’s family,” Mom says.
I knew this argument would come up.
I look down.
“Don’t shake your head at me!”
I don’t realize that I am. “I’m sorry, D ad. I’ve spent a lot of time praying about this, and I know it’s the right thing.”
“Does this have anything to do with you being absent after school?” He’s suspicious and starting to piece things together.
I don’t want to answer. More than I didn’t want to tell them I’m pregnant, I don’t want to answer. Why isn’t my wandering brain taking me out of this situation? I nod because I’m a terrible liar and know better than to attempt.
“Care to explain?” He folds his arms across his chest. He’s still standing here, making his presence felt with every breath. He’s never raised his hand to me, but if he ever does, it’ll happen now.
“I have a friend…who was adopted through the Mormon Church and it seemed like…”
He rears back as if I’d slapped him across the face.
“I’m sorry , D ad. I know it’s the right thing. I’ve prayed, so much. I’m just asking you to trust me a little.” But I know he won’t. This is not and never will be on his list of things he’ll allow.
“You’re a kid! You can’t know the right thing!” He growls out the words.
“I’m eighteen.” Okay, this is a stupid thing to say, but I don’t think about how stupid it is until it comes out. It just happens in stressful situations, and I’m shaking. I really can’t be expected to think clearly.
“Then you can live like you’re eighteen , ” h e says solidly, “ a nd you can get out of my house.”
My mother gasps behind him. She’s mad but doesn’t expect this.
Air shoots out of my lungs. I didn’t think he would kick me out. What about all of that unconditional love stuff and lifting up those who are down? Not judging lest ye be judged? It runs through my head like lightning. Like fire. I start for my room. What will I pack? How much time will I have? Where will I go?
“Door is that way , Dani.” Dad points.
“But my stuff…”
“I bought that stuff!” He’s yelling again, his face a new shade of red , and he’s pointing to the back door. “It stays here!” He’s so loud I swear I can feel it through every cell of my body. My shaking’s not just internal anymore. Morning sickness is back, just like that. Only I can’t throw up now.
I stumble through the kitchen, grab my coat and school pack. I’m immediately so, so thankful my camera’s in there. I open the backdoor and close it behind me, resisting the urge to slam it as hard as I can. Again, I’m numb, it seems like such a contrast to what I should feel. I have no idea where to go.
I can’t go to Jill or Kristin’s houses. I can’t bring myself to call Tracy or Michael. Zack’s not an option. It’s dark outside and getting late. My feet take me up the road. I have to think of somewhere that’s still open, that will be open. It’s a mile out of our subdivision and another mile to the grocery store.
I stand just inside the fro nt door of the grocery store for a while. I haven’t eaten dinner. I have a five-dollar bill and a few crumpled ones. There’s some quarters in my backpack for the vending machines at school. I buy a cheap muffin left over from breakfast at the deli and get a cup for water. I sit down in the small café chairs until the store’s nearly closed.
It seems like very little’s occupying my brain. Time goes by and nothing else comes. I must be in shock. I push myself out of my seat and walk out the door into the cold, realizing there’s no way I can stay outside tonight. It might be April, but it’s still freezing.
I’m back on the sidewalk when I see Denny’s. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that first. How long will they let me stay if I only buy a few dollars worth of food? What will I do tomorrow? It’s too much to think about.
I have all night, all the time in the world. Barnes and Noble is across the street so I wander in. Bookstores are made for wandering, lounging and sitting. This is perfect. This is what I can do. I’m like a pro at lounging. The thought almost makes me smile. Almost.
The rows and rows of books relax me. I sit down on the floor in the photography section and start thumbing through books. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to take pictures like these. I realize as I take book after book from the shelf that it’s the people pictures I’m drawn to. It’s what I take in school, but it seemed like most famous photographers take pictures of trees or urban art or something.
I smile, for real, realizing that my brain has finally found something to think about. Something to drown out my father’s angry voice and my inability to process what I’m going to do with myself. I’ve never stolen anything before , but I grab a small book of portrait photography and put it in my coat. I’ll find a way to pay them back later, or sneak the book back in. I read through a few more books and then get up to look around somewhere else. The store is open for another hour. Until midnight.
When the bookstore closes, I head back across the street to Denny’s. I’m starving again and only have a few dollars left. It’s just after midnight. Only six and a half more hours until I can get into the school. I realize that I’ll need to save a little money for the city bus. School is too far to walk from here. My bagel arrives, and I dig through my backpack to see what I have. My math text, two blank spiral notebooks, my few dollars, my camera, a pack of gum, tic-tacs and a few stray hair ties. Too bad I don’t have gym this year, at least that would be one change of clothes.
~ ~ ~
Denny’s is going to be an all-nighter. The worst is at just after two am, when the bars close down. I ignor
e looks from the waitresses. I insist I’m waiting for someone. We all know I’m lying, but it doesn’t matter anyway. I pull out my stolen book and do my best to lose myself in it. I do not want to fall asleep in a booth at Denny’s. I have the book memorized by the time I feel I can start the trek to my high school. Denny’s booths are not made for pregnant girls, who are afraid to sleep, for six hours. At all. I’m stiff, sore, hungry and tired.
9
My life feels too horrible to face. I don’t know where I’m going to sleep tonight because there’s no way I’m spending another night in Denny’s. Maybe I could sneak into the weight room before they lock up the school and sleep on the wrestling mats.
The school doors open at six thirty, and I’m there waiting. I haven’t looked in a mirror, but I can feel the dark circles under my eyes. I’m tired. Beyond tired, and I’m sure I look terrible. I open my locker, set my book down and pull out my camera.
Walking around the school in semi-darkness makes me feel like I’m up to no good. Kinda cool, like a super-spy or something. The teachers arriving start to pull me out of my fantasy. I take pictures of the empty hallways. Maybe a third of the teachers are here, no students and its still quiet. I start to enjoy the stillness of the early morning. Through the rectangle view of my lens, the world looks peaceful. There’s repetition and order in the structure of the building, in the lockers, the doorways, the bricks in the walls, the books in the library.
As students start to arrive, the atmosphere changes. I sit on the floor and take pictures as they come down the hallways, keeping the camera to my face. The boy and girl are holding hands, they’re dating, he likes her, she likes him. Easy.
A few guys, walking together pushing and shoving but smiling. Also easy, friends.
Everything becomes simple. Everything fits in my neat tidy rectangle. What would I see if I saw myself in that small box? Alone? Sad? I’m not sure. Probably just tired. I feel too complicated to fit in there right now.
I turn and scoot myself to face the opposite direction. Still behind my camera. Tracy and Michael, talking, interested but not too interested. Brother and Sister. Easy.
Michael looks straight at me and smiles. I feel my finger take the picture. I know right now it’s going to be my favorite picture of him. Simple, easy, smiling. My chest loosens for the first time since…well, since I saw him last. Yesterday was Zack followed by Dad.
“Morning. You’re here early,” he says standing over me. He reaches his hand down to pull me to my feet.
I’m way too eager to take his hand , but it feels as good as I knew it would. “Yeah, so are you.”
“We’re always here early . W e have seminary before school.”
“Oh, right.”
“So, what brings you here?” He reads my expression quickly and knows right away that there isn’t an easy answer. I look down.
“Dani!” Daniel yells from behind me. I turn to see him coming up the hallway. I start to feel relieved, but then he looks at Michael and his face turns angry. “You happy about what you’ve done here, huh?” He walks past me and toward Michael. He tries to stand up taller than he is, and points his finger to Michael’s chest. Michael doesn’t reflect the same cockiness as my brother, but he doesn’t back down either.
“What are you talking about?” Michael’s brow pulls down.
“You and your little Mormon crowd got my sister kicked out of the house!”
I cringe.
“Dani?” Michael looks at me with shock and concern.
I love it. I love that he cares about me enough to look at me that way. I should be freaking out at my brother—that’ll probably hit in a sec.
“You leave her alone!” Daniel yells. This brings me back to the present. He starts to move toward Michael again, and I put myself between them pushing Daniel back.
“Knock it off Daniel. It’s not his fault. It’s mine. I lied to Mom and Dad, not him, or any of his friends.” I hadn’t had to. They didn’t care.
Daniel relaxes, but just a little.
I look over my shoulder at Michael. “I’ll see you later on.” I try to sound relaxed, but I’m not.
Michael pauses before stepping back to his locker where his sister is watching the interchange. I’d like to think that Michael wouldn’t have left if it wasn’t my brother. Maybe he doesn’t feel as protective of me as I want him to. He glances back my direction with the same worried expression. Maybe he does. My chest lifts a little.
“What’s going on Dani?” Daniel asks, more quietly now.
“Why do you care, Daniel? You’re usually the one getting me into trouble.”
“This is kind of a big deal.” He looks at me. “Don’t think we didn’t all hear everything that was said.”
This means my whole family knows I’m pregnant. Fabulous. I can see the smug look on Gloria’s face now. Just the thought of it makes me irritated.
“Who’s the dad?” Daniel asks. “Is it him?” He says more loudly and gestures to where Michael is standing. I laugh. Daniel looks back down at me then. “Who then?”
“It doesn’t matter.” I shake my head.
Daniel looks mad but he won’t press me. “Where are you staying? I mean, I’m sure if you went back to M om and D ad and told them you were sorry they’d let you come back.”
“But I’m not sorry, Daniel. I mean, I’m sorry that I’m pregnant, but I’m not sorry about anything else.” He won’t understand. I know he won’t.
His eyes widen. “What, the Mormon thing?” I think he’s going to laugh in frustration and disbelief.
I just nod.
“This is crazy. Just because you have a crush on some boy…” He rolls his eyes.
“Thanks for giving me so much credit.” I’m kind of pissed at him now and cross my arms.
“Well, I took a backpack of your stuff today. I just grabbed a few things this morning with Hannah’s help.” He hands a pack toward me.
I sigh a huge sigh of relief. Anger gone. I’ll have at least a couple changes of clothes now. “Thank you so much.” I lean forward to give him a hug, but he backs away from me. It stings. Bad. It’s not that we’re super close, it’s more that he’s my twin, my brother . I lean back, hurt.
“I don’t agree with this. Any of it.” He walks away.
It’s a simple thing, but the gesture and the meaning are huge. I wipe away tears as I slide the backpack over a shoulder.
I’m beyond tired.
I’ve been kicked out by my family.
My brother just walked away from me.
I have nothing except whatever Daniel put in my backpack.
I start to walk down the hall but don’t know where I’m going. A warm hand touches my shoulder, and Michael pulls me into him. I sob all over his chest, soaking his T-shirt, unable to move. He holds me there for a few minutes before we start slowly walking.
I don’t know where we’re going. I don’t care. He’s too warm and feels too good for me to care.
We step inside the nurse’s office, and I go to a green vinyl bed and lie down. I close my eyes, and Michael covers me with his jacket. It smells good, and it’s warm. That’s all I need right now. I pull it up and wish to go to sleep. To make my day disappear. And my night disappear.
Mrs. Davies immediately sits on the bed across from me. I don’t wait for her to ask. Michael knows very little. I think he’s still here, but I’m not sure.
“My parents know. They kicked me out,” I say.
“Do you have somewhere to go ?” s he asks.
“No.” My answer brings on more shaking. I’m crying like I’ve never cried before. It’s sort of shocking but also feels good, like I’m getting rid of something that’s been clinging to my insides.
“Are there any friends I can call down?”
I don’t answer.
“You’re friends with the Masons, right?”
Michael must be gone.
I nod. Maybe if its’ her idea it wouldn’t be too hard to accept their suppo
rt for the day.
“Is he the dad?” She looks as if she’d be surprised if I said yes. Just checking I guessed.
“No.” I nearly laugh at that. Daniel asked the same thing. The thought is absurd on a million levels.
“Where were you last night?” s he asks, as if suddenly realizing that I’d had nowhere to be.
“Denny’s.”
“Okay.” She nods and rubs her hands down her thighs once, thinking. “You try to get some sleep. I’ll be back in a few.”
“Thanks.”
What will she do for me? What can she do? I have no idea, and I don’t care. I’m too tired to care. I close my eyes , but the rejection from my family washes over me again and again and the stupid bed is really hard. I pull Michael’s jacket tighter around my shoulders and breathe his scent in again and again. The world slowly dissolves into peaceful blackness.
My Forever (The Next Door Boys) Page 6
