by Kate Benson
“Well, sometimes it still helps to say what you can,” I offer, abandoning what I thought was an unrelenting desire to stay the hell out of things.
He stares back at me, swallowing hard and in this moment, I wonder if my train of thought relates to anyone outside of him.
“Okay,” he finally replies, his voice low as he holds my gaze. “I made a promise to someone recently, something that I didn’t really think would be terribly hard to hold up when I made it,” he sighs. “Anyway, it shouldn’t have been and typically, my word is my bond,” he shrugs, his voice trailing off for a moment before he slowly begins to shake his head. “But things have changed since then. Over the last few days, it’s gotten a lot harder to keep the promise. Not only that, the person made me a promise in return and then totally bailed,” he sighs, the irritation and disappointment in his voice more than obvious. “Anyway, so I guess my problem is trying to determine how long you keep your word to someone that won’t do the same for you.” His voice is low, his words measured and careful before he glances back over at me with a small smile. “Sounds selfish as hell when you say it that way.”
“No,” I shake my head, giving him a smile of understanding. “No, I get it.”
I think on what he’s said, words that I’ve experienced in my own life. I wish I could tell him I’m not sure, that I’ve never had the displeasure of dealing with personally, but sadly, that’s just not the truth.
I’ve never been able to relate to other people very easily, but this? This, I do understand.
I think quietly to myself, considering his words a little longer before finally, I clear my throat and face him again.
“I think you should keep your promise,” I say quietly, making his eyebrows quirk together for a moment before they soften slightly.
“Is that what you would do?” he asks, and I lean forward on my knees and rest my chin on my palm before giving him a gentle nod.
“Yeah, I think it is,” I reply.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Why?” he asks. “Why would you keep a promise to someone who screwed you over.”
“Because a promise is a promise,” I admit. “And I don’t typically make them to just anyone,” I shrug, chewing on my lip in thought before continuing. “If I cared enough about the person and their feelings to make a promise that was this hard to even consider breaking, I’m not sure I could really convince myself to do otherwise.”
He nods, leaning forward beside me and mirroring my position.
“Even if they went back on something big, huh?”
I study his features, unable to keep myself from biting the inside of my cheek before I nod once more.
“Yeah, I think I would,” I sigh. “They probably already feel bad for bailing, even if they’re too stubborn to admit it. Even if they don’t, you’d feel bad for sure, right?”
“Yeah,” he sighs. “Maybe.”
“This person might have a whole lot of crap going on, things maybe they don’t even want you or anyone else to know about. We don’t know another’s path until we walk in their shoes,” I shrug. “If their path is to be a liar, it’s not up to you to change them, but you can keep yourself from sacrificing your own morals along the way.”
My words surprise him. I guess if I’m honest, they surprise me quite a bit, too.
He swallows hard and the gentle smile in his eyes warms me all the way down to my chest.
“You want my advice? You need to always try to do what makes you happy, you just can’t do it at the expense of others,” I say simply. “If this promise is destroying your happiness, that’s different, but if it’s something you can deal with?” I continue, my voice trailing off once more. “You have to do the right thing.”
He stares back at me, seemingly deep in thought before his lips turn up slightly on either side and he gives me a small nod.
“That’s good advice,” he says low before he releases a sigh. “I’m not sure I can take it, but…”
“Why can’t you take it?”
“Because I’ve got a feeling that nothing I do in this situation is going to make everyone happy,” he admits, leaning back against the bench.
“Well, yeah, but… when does that ever happen?” I ask, my voice leaving me in a low chuckle. I lean back beside him, my eyes scanning the white sheet of snow around us that’s grown thicker by the minute. “You can’t make everyone happy, but if you try, you can almost always find some kind of compromise that will make it all be okay,” I reason with a shrug, turning to find him already facing me. “And I think that’s always the best thing to do. In any situation. Keep your promise, follow through. When it’s all said and done, you’re the only one who has to endure the outcome of your choices. Make sure whatever it is, it’s something you can live with.”
“I thought I could,” he sighs, shaking his head. “But the further into it I get, the more I’m seeing that I just don’t think it’s possible, Abby. Things just…” he trails off, swallowing hard as his eyes come back to mine. “Things have gotten complicated since I got here.”
“How?”
“I can’t…” he sighs, biting down on his own lip before he faces me. “As badly as I want to tell you, I can’t. Not right now anyway.”
His words surprise me, the double edge lying beneath them something I can’t deny as I hold his eyes. For reasons that make no sense to me, I can’t help but feel as though he’s talking about me.
“Are you unhappy?”
“Yes,” he says immediately.
“Then you have to be honest about that with this person,” I insist.
“It could hurt them,” he admits.
“But you’re already hurting,” I say low, swallowing over the lump in my throat. “And I don’t know you well, but you seem like a good person,” I confess, hating the break in my voice. “It’s just a talk. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing.”
“Even if it’s the night before Christmas eve?” he asks, his eyes holding a slight edge of amusement of my heartless nod. “You don’t think that could turn into some savage ass shit?”
He surprises me with his expression and I can’t stop the laugh, but when it fades away, I’m already shaking my head at his question.
“Life is short. One day, a really long time from now if you’re lucky, you’re going to be lying on your deathbed, thinking about all the things you should have and could have done differently. Lots of things will come to mind, but there will only be one thing you wish you had more of and it won’t be money or a bigger house or any of the other material shit everyone obsesses over, particularly at this time of the year. It will be time,” I continue, my low voice trailing off, engulfed in a barrage of memories I rarely let myself recall before I meet his eyes, finding them staring back at me with sweet and fierce compassion I’ve rarely known. He shifts closer to me, the way he swallows hard mirroring my own actions. It takes some effort, especially when his eyes begin to soften as mine grow hazy with the tears I’ll never let fall in front of a stranger. I clear my throat, reclaiming my resolve before speaking once more. “Sometimes decisions are hard to make, but their consequences can be even harder to live with. Don’t waste your life on things like regret,” I tell him, my voice steady and fierce, yet somehow still shaking with a combination of emotion and the cold sinking through my coat and into my skin. “Time is one thing we should never waste.”
Chapter Eleven
Dex
Abby doesn’t stay for very long after that, but that doesn’t seem to change much. Not on my end, anyway. If anything, the words of advice she’s given me only make me feel more for her.
We’d only spoken a handful of times, our interactions almost always light, friendly and joking. I’d seen her playful side almost exclusively for the short time I’d known her, but tonight was something different. I think I knew from the moment I met her that there’s something about her, something I haven’t been able to put my finger on until
tonight, that speaks to me deeper than anyone else ever has before.
I’m not sure if it’s the broken, vulnerable side of her I hadn’t seen before our talk on the bench outside the bar tonight or if it’s the resilience I never knew she possessed finally peeking through, but her words hit me hard, resonating with me like few before ever have.
What’s more is I knew the moment the words left her lips that they were right. Not just that they’re right, but that she’s speaking the very same thoughts I’ve been struggling for the last few weeks to speak aloud. Like somehow this girl, this seemingly sweet and unpredictable stranger who just popped into my life a few days ago is someone I’ve known for so much longer.
I’ve been wandering the streets for the last hour since she slipped back inside the bar, but as I finally come to a slow stop next to my car, I know exactly what I have to do.
Abby
The rest of my night is more eventful than I would have expected, but I can’t help but be incredibly grateful for all of it. By the time I finish talking to Dex and make my way back inside to check on Marissa, my heart feels heavy, but conscious is clear knowing I did the right thing. He never said he was talking about his girlfriend, but the solemn expression in his eyes combined with the little talks I’ve overheard from my side of the coffee shop didn’t make it very hard to figure out.
Would I have loved for him to break things off with her the second he saw me so that he could come sauntering into the bar and profess his feelings for me? Sure. Of course, I’d love that. However, I know that just isn’t the way things go sometimes. If he’s meant to be with her, that only means there’s someone else, someone without deliciously distracting dimples that leave me longing to trace them with my pinkie finger. Whoever is out there waiting for me will be amazing, they’ll have to be, and they’ll be worth the wait.
They damn sure won’t be a Christmas loving girlfriend haver sent to steal my favorite table at the coffee shop.
Until then, I’m on vacation with my sister and I have every intention of enjoying it while I can.
Starting right now.
By getting shitfaced in this bar with the rest of these jolly jackasses.
Merry fucking Christmas, assholes.
My inner dialogue sounds much like this for the rest of the time I’m with my sister at the bar and by the time we stumble our way into the cabin a couple hours later, I’ve convinced myself I’m totally over the whole thing.
“It’s a blessing, really,” I mumble as I throw my jacket onto the floor and climb onto the sectional next to Marissa’s already half passed out frame.
“What’s a blessing?” she slurs, her hot breath falling over my eyes enough to make my face contort in loving disgust before I turn away from her.
“I drove Dimples into the arms of his lover tonight,” I announce. “I’m a good person. Now I can be alone, and he can be Santa. It’s for the best. It’s what we both really want anyway.”
“I like Santa,” she mumbles, her face squished against the leather distorting her voice even further. “He almost never brings me what I want for Christmas, but I get it. He’s worked out a system and I can’t always be on the nice list, but he’s really supportive of animals and I think that’s more important.”
What?
“Well, I can’t say I’m his biggest fan, but his whole ‘only go out into civilization once a year’ thing makes a lot of sense to me,” I confess. “But don’t fall for that other bullshit propaganda, Marissa,” I shake my head, swallowing hard. “That’s what they want you to think, but he’s really a slave driver. It’s simply overlooked because of all the payoffs.”
“Hey…” she whispers loudly, tugging on my hair enough to have me hissing in protest as I face her. “What payoffs? How’s he getting away with it? And who the hell is they?”
“The tooth fairy, Marissa!” I exclaim. How can she be so blind? “I mean, obviously. They’ve been double teaming this holiday shit for years, dude. He gives them candy and she takes the teeth. Everyone knows they’re in cahoots!”
“Cahoots…” she laughs, the loud snort leaving her chest making me giggle alongside her once more. “If you want me to believe you, you shouldn’t just make up words, Abs.”
“Cahoots is a real word,” I argue, resting my face against the leather once more. “This leather is cool.”
“Hmm, fasho,” she sighs. “It’s dope as hell.”
“No, not that kind of cool, dork. I mean it’s cold. Like… cool against my skin.”
“Oh, yeah,” she mumbles, snorting again. “Maybe it’s in cahoots with the Easter Bunny.”
“It’s a real word!” I argue. “Stop making fun of me and go to sleep. You’re the worst sister ever.”
“You’re pretty terrible, too,” she sighs, her fingers linking into mine before they give me a subtle little squeeze of affection and we drift off to sleep once more, this time both of us smiling. “There’s no one else in the world I’d rather be in cahoots with.”
“Would you shut the hell up and go to sleep?” I snort, unable to keep the beaming smile from my lips as she breaks out into another fit of giggles. “You’re such a dork.”
“Well, that’s true, but I’m just fucking with you,” she promises with a giggle through her slurred speech as she presses her lips against my forehead. “I love you.”
“I know,” I admit. “I love you, too, sis.”
Chapter Twelve
Dex
“You couldn’t wait two more freaking days to do this, Dex?” Kim asks, her voice coming out distorted as she whispers angrily through her teeth. “Jesus Christ. You promised you weren’t going to do this until we got back home.”
“I know what I said, Kim, but do you really want to keep dragging this out?” I ask, my chest releasing the exhausted sigh that’s been lodged deep inside me for days. “Besides, you made me promises and you had no problem bailing on me, so you don’t really have the right to be pissed off about this.”
We’ve been outside for the better part of an hour, Abby’s words hitting me just hard enough to push me towards having the conversation we’ve both been avoiding. Oddly enough, and to my pleasure, Kim doesn’t seem like she’s upset or heartbroken in the slightest. If anything, I can sense her relief around the reality of us not pretending to be something that we’re not anymore. However, she’s also making it very clear that she’s pissed I couldn’t put things off until we got back home like I’d promised in the car on the drive up.
I tried to, I really did, but we’re both more miserable this week than ever and Abby’s words, specifically about regret and time, resonated with me in ways few others ever have before.
She was right in what she’d said outside on the bench. I know I could have waited two more days, done what I said and maybe that’s exactly what I should do, but the selfish side of me knew as soon as I watched Abby get up and walk away from me, I couldn’t do that, either.
It was in that moment I knew the spark that had been coming to life between us all week is something that isn’t just going to go away.
What’s more is I don’t want it to.
I’m not a very sentimental person, but I know the thought of Abby leaving Cringle Cove without me telling her how I feel is something I know I’ll regret for a long time to come.
I also know that she deserves better than me approaching her, announcing my feelings for her while I’m still keeping my breakup with Kim under wraps. After she bailed on me for tomorrow at the hospital, I know keeping up our ruse is something I could easily blow off and not feel guilty about. She broke her promise, so I can break mine, right? But I’m not that much of an asshole and regardless of her selfishness, I do care about Kim as a friend. I figured the least I could do is take the high road and give her a heads up about what I’m about to do.
That’s my compromise.
That’s the decision I can live with.
If I take my chance with Abby, put myself out there to the odd girl who’s mana
ged to steal away a little piece of me inside a coffee shop over the course of a week, I’m going to do it the right way.
Unfortunately, I have to deal with this shitty part first.
“I understand, Dex,” she admits, finally pulling me back from my thoughts of Abby. “And if I’m being completely honest with you, I think you’re right.” Her eyes as they fall on mine are softer, the hurt either concealed perfectly or nonexistent altogether. “I don’t really want to spend the next two days pretending to be in love with someone I’m not. I just really can’t stomach the idea of dealing with my mother on my own.”
“You don’t really have to,” I shrug. “I mean, I’m not going to sell you out, Kim. I just don’t think I can be here in the same way I have been over the next two days. I thought I could, but…”
“I know,” she cuts me off. “And it was unfair for me to ask that of you to begin with. I just…”
“I know,” I repeat her words, pulling a nod from her. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be at the hospital tomorrow and you’ll have all the Christmas stuff with your family the day after. I’m sure no one will even notice I’m gone.”
“I can’t say I’m as confident as you are,” she admits with a sigh, her eyes twinkling slightly in amused annoyance. “But it’s fine. Our relationship isn’t the only thing I’m tired of lying about, Dex.” I nod my understanding once more, hating that this girl has to deal with so much pressure from her family, especially on my account, but grateful she’s finally ready to put that part behind her. “Besides, if I’m not pretending to be your girlfriend anymore, I don’t have to feel bad about refusing to wear that stupid ass elf costume for you now,” she snorts, pulling a small grin to my lips. “I mean, I was already trying like hell to get out of it anyway, but now you can forget it.”
“Not even for the kids, huh?”
“I’ll send the kids a donation and save myself the humiliation,” she counters, finally making me chuckle as she stands up, gesturing for me to follow suit. “Come here.”
I rise and when I do, I’m surprised to find her pulling me close for a hug. When I release her, I press my lips to her hair, silently wishing her the best not just for tomorrow, but forever, somehow knowing that once she’s collected her things from my apartment on Monday, it’s the last I’ll likely ever see of her.
