“Phil says he’s at Mercy Hospital now. If you get there in the next thirty, he can see you,” John says while he’s on the phone with Phil.
“I’ll meet you there,” Noah says, and I hang up on him.
“Will they fit back in your pants?” John is now laughing at me, too.
“Fuck you, this isn’t funny. What if they exploded inside?” I question as panic sets in, and my heart starts to beat faster. Jesus, what if I broke my dick?
I pull up my boxers then my pants, my balls protesting the constriction of my pants.
“Fuck, oh god, it hurts now,” I groan as I head out of the bathroom. I’m walking like I’m severely constipated, or worse, like I just had anal sex with a telephone pole. “Someone needs to tell Dani that I’m leaving.”
“On it,” John says, typing on his phone.
“Let’s go before someone else sees you.” We walk to the elevator as fast as we can, given my condition. When we get to Mercy, Noah is outside with a wheelchair waiting for us.
“Is this curbside service, or what!” he says, laughing at us. “Come on, big nuts, let’s get this taken care of.”
I sit down and get wheeled inside, where Phil is waiting for us. When he ushers us to a room, I expect Noah and John to wait outside. But I’m not that lucky, and I shouldn’t be at all surprised when they follow us into the exam room.
“Seriously? You guys really need to be in here?” I ask them both.
“I’ve already seen it,” John mutters, while Noah says, “I wouldn’t miss this for the world. Can I film this? Maybe do a Snap story? Oh! I know, it can be my Instagram story!” I glare at him. “We could do that Facebook Live thing, you know, for medical purposes, of course.”
“No one is filming shit,” I grumble while Phil tells me to lower my pants. I pull my pants and boxers off at the same time, and male gasps fill the quiet room.
“Jesus, fuck me, your balls are the size of a miniature poodle’s head!” Noah exclaims, and I start scratching again.
“Fuck! They got bigger,” John comments. “I didn’t think it was possible. Phil, can they explode?”
Phil grabs a pair of exam gloves, pulls them on, and rubs them together. “I’m warming them up,” he says and then proceeds to put his ice-cold, latex-covered hands on my poor burning, itching, swollen balls. He starts inspecting them, bringing them up to look at the underside of my scrotum and moving them to the side to inspect the area where my leg meets my groin. “I don’t see any puncture marks, so it’s not a bite. A small rash is forming on your scrotum, however.”
I put my head back and let out a breath I have been holding. “It looks like you’re having an allergic reaction to something. Did you eat anything different? Change soaps? Anything at all?”
I shake my head no. “I don’t think so. I don’t wash my clothes, and my pants just came back from the dry cleaners. Lauren picked them up this morning.”
I look at Noah and John, who are now folded over laughing. “Dude! She fucking hates you! And obviously, she hates your dick!” Noah says.
“Good news is that it will be back to normal in about twenty-four hours, maybe forty-eight, tops. I wouldn’t put the pants or boxers back on,” Phil says. “The swelling should go down, but if it doesn’t, call me and I’ll give you some meds. I’m going to have the nurse administer some Benadryl, and I’m going to have you stay for a couple of hours to make sure they don’t swell any further,” Phil says while writing on a paper. “I’ll be back.” He walks out.
“If you sit down, do you think your balls will crowd your dick?” John asks while he types on the phone.
“Who are you texting?” I ask.
“Dani and Barbara. You want me to text Lauren?” he snickers.
Noah is now sitting in the only chair in the room while he types. “I’m sending flowers to everyone I fucked over as a thank you for not giving me swollen balls.”
I have no comeback. I just close my eyes and lie down on the table to wait for the swelling in my balls to go down. It’s five hours later when I’m finally discharged. I leave the hospital dressed in a pair of blue scrubs.
When I finally get home and settled, I take my phone out and see that I missed a text from Lauren.
I hope you’re okay?
Oh, I’m going to be more than okay. I sit down to plot and plan. The stakes just went up.
Chapter Eleven
LAUREN
Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck! I fucked up this time and took it too far. I’m headed back to his cleaners where I picked up his pants this morning to have them recleaned.
I saw him shifting in his chair during the meeting, and I laughed inside until I saw his face change a little right before he took off and didn’t come back.
I was still discussing with Dani how to place tables when she got the text from John telling her they were taking Austin to the hospital.
When I heard he was going to the hospital, my heart lurched in my chest. I debated whether I should go after him or hide, hoping and praying that he wouldn’t find out it was me and one of my pranks. It was supposed to be a harmless joke, like the porn virus on my computer. I never, ever intended to actually hurt him.
By the time I left for the day, the word around the office was that he had an allergic reaction to something.
I practically ran to my car, calling Kaleigh the minute I was inside and the door was closed.
“I think I almost killed my boss!” I yell into the phone as I speed to his dry cleaners.
“What do you mean, almost? Does he know? Did you wear gloves?” She peppers me with questions, and I hear banging in the background.
“Kaleigh, please, just this once, can you try to be fucking normal?” I ask, thumping the steering wheel in exasperation as I start freaking out.
“Okay, fine. What exactly happened?”
“I put fucking itching powder in his pants. And I think his dick or his ass, or I don’t fucking know, maybe his balls, was allergic to it, and he had to go to the fucking hospital!” I finish on a shrill yell.
“You put what?”
“Itching powder I took from Gabe’s prank box! It was just supposed to be a stupid joke. A payback for the porn bombing he pulled on my computer,” I say as my eyes start filling with tears.
“You mean after you put a laxative in his Coke?”
“Kaleigh, not now, for the love of God. You are on my side always. Blood thicker than asshat boss,” I remind her. “The minute he ran into me and I almost fell but he caught me instead, I regretted doing it. Oh, god. Do you think he’s going to know it’s me?”
“I don’t know. Does anyone else in the office hate him?” she asks me.
“I have no idea if anyone hates him. It’s not something I can bring up, you know? I mean, I’m his PA; I can’t go around asking people ‘Hey, how are you? Isn’t Austin an asshole?’ Oh my god!” I pull up to the cleaners. “I gotta call you back. I’m at the cleaners. I’m bringing his clothes to be recleaned.”
I hang up even though she is still talking. I rush into the cleaners, my arms full of all his clothes.
“Hi, there. I need all of these recleaned, twice please.” I put the clothes down on the counter.
“Ma’am, you just picked these up this morning,” the lady says while she picks up the clean clothes that are still in the plastic covers.
“Yes, I think something spilt on them, and he wants them cleaned again,” I say, smiling “Twice.”
“Twice?” she asks, confused.
“Yes, just in case. He wants them run through the cleaning process twice,” I repeat to her, and she puts my special request on the card. I turn and rush out of there. I climb back into my car, toss my purse onto the passenger seat, and head for home.
While I brake at a stop sign, the empty bottle of itching powder rolls to the front floorboard at the same time as my phone rings. I see that it’s Kaleigh calling.
“Are you okay?” she whispers.
“No. I’m not okay. I
caused my boss to end up in the ER with an allergic reaction and swollen balls because I was trying to get back at him.” I feel the sob creeping up my throat.
“Did you get rid of all of the evidence?” she asks me.
“I still have the empty bottle here in the car.” I look down at it, and it’s almost as if it’s taunting me.
“Throw it out of the car right now,” she instructs me. “Open the window and toss it as far as you can.”
I pick up the bottle and hold it in my hand. “Should I wipe it down?” I look around for a rag.
“Lauren, do you honestly think he is calling CSI to come and find the bottle? Just throw the fucking thing out the window and come home.”
Just as I’m about to throw the bottle out of the window, I hear a honk, startling me. “Fuck,” I say while the bottle falls into my lap.
“I’m on my way,” I say while I drive on, and when I’m all alone on the street, I toss that bottle as far as I can while driving.
Once I park my car in the driveway, I text Austin.
I hope you’re okay?
I wait a couple of seconds, but nothing comes in. So, I walk into the house, where I’m greeted with hugs and kisses.
When I finally tumble into bed, my phone beeps with a text from Austin.
I’m not coming in tomorrow, so you can take the day off.
Oh, are you okay? I heard you had an allergic reaction.
You could say that.
Well, I’ll be here all weekend if you need anything. I’m hosting my parents and a couple of their friends for their anniversary brunch on Sunday morning, but if you need anything, please let me know.
Sure thing.
This is really weird. He’s usually sarcastic and an asshole, but now he’s all soft and not at all snarky.
The next couple of days are pretty much the same as usual. On Saturday night, after putting the kids to bed, I start preparing the dishes and everything for tomorrow’s brunch.
Mom is having a caterer come in, since I’m hosting their anniversary brunch. We plan to set up outside and have a beautiful outdoor celebration with twenty of their closest friends.
My phone rings, letting me know that it’s my mom calling.
“Hey, Mom.”
“How did you know it was me?” she asks, all confused.
“Mom, the phone has caller ID.” My mom isn’t a tech friendly person. Last time she tried to FaceTime the kids, her screen was facing the other way and all we saw was her finger on the camera.
“Are you ready for tomorrow, dear? You didn’t really have to do this, but we are so excited about it.” Her voice is pitching higher with her excitement.
“It’s my pleasure, Mom. You know I would do anything for you two.” And I would. Mom and Dad have been married for thirty-nine years.
They met while Dad was visiting a friend from college. All it took was one look, and he was hooked. The minute he finished his residency, he came and proposed to Mom, promising to love, honor, and cherish her, and he actually kept those promises.
Mom stayed home with us girls, while Dad grew his practice. He’s retired now, and the practice is in Josh’s hands.
“You know, Josh is coming, and he’s single again,” Mom reminds me, interrupting my thoughts.
“Mom, please don’t. We went on one date, and that was only because I was guilted into it.”
My mother heaves out a huge sigh. “Oh, please, he’s perfect for you! Single and a doctor.”
“Mom, he’s shorter than me, by almost a foot, and he’s balding,” I tell her.
“It’s what’s inside, Lauren, not what’s outside.”
“Mom, he’s thirty!” I yell out.
“So he aged early, there is nothing wrong with that. He’s a total catch,” she says. “Oh, honey, I have to go. The Robinsons just got here. See you Sunday!” She adds, “Oh, and tell Kaleigh that a bra is mandatory!” I laugh and hang up the phone just as Kaleigh walks in.
“That was Mom.” I point to the phone. “She said that a bra is mandatory this time.”
She waves her hand like she isn’t paying attention. “Oh, please, it was one time. How was I supposed to know that you could see my nipples through that pink sundress?” she says while grabbing her almond milk and drinking straight from the carton.
Right when I’m about to scold her to use a glass, the phone rings again. This time I see it’s Austin.
“Hello?” I say tentatively, since he’s never called me.
“I have an eight a.m. meeting Monday morning with Dani to finalize things, since I had to leave yesterday.”
“Okay, I can get in a bit early and get things set up again,” I confirm, looking at Kaleigh, who is looking at me, making the blowjob motion with her tongue poking her cheek.
“I need my dry cleaning. Is it still in your car?” he questions me, and my head snaps up as I wave my arms to get my sister to stop distracting me.
“Um, yeah, I still have it. How about I bring it to you on Monday morning, is that okay?” I’m freaking out and pacing the kitchen floor, while my sister pretends to be humping the counter. I mute the phone and look at her. “Would you be serious? He wants his dry cleaning.” I unmute it while he grunts his okay.
“If that’s all, I have to go. I have to run errands for my Sunday brunch.”
“Yeah, that’s all,” he says and hangs up.
“Oh my god.” I run to my purse, searching for where I put the dry-cleaning bill. Once I find it, I call the number at the top. They answer after one ring.
“Rinse and Clean, how may I help you?” the lady says right before I stutter out.
“Hi, hi, I was in a couple of days ago. I don’t know if you remember me. I needed an order washed twice.” I sit on the stairs. “The number is 076453.”
“Oh, the one who brought back the clothes still in the wrapping. Yes, ma’am, I put a rush on it, and they should be ready in about an hour.”
I look at my watch and see that it’s already almost four. “Okay, thank you. Are you open tomorrow?” I ask her, knowing I won’t be able to get there and back before I have to get Gabe to his soccer game.
“We are open until four on Saturday and noon on Sunday,” she says and hangs up after we say good-bye.
“Fuck! I have to add a stop to our growing list of things to do tomorrow. Next time I offer to host a brunch, kick me in the ass, please,” I tell Kaleigh. The day flies by in a flurry of errands and preparations, and before I know it, it’s Sunday morning.
I set my alarm for eight, since the caterers will be arriving at eight-thirty.
I make my way downstairs just in time to see Kaleigh walk in the door still wearing last night’s outfit.
“Oh, the walk of shame. Nice. Very Nice,” I say while I sip my coffee and she sits down at the counter.
“What’s a walk of shame?” Rachel asks, and I look over at Kaleigh.
“It’s when you are still wearing last night’s clothes,” Kaleigh discloses to her and then whispers to me, “After they were on the floor of the hot guy whose cock you rode all night.” And then she throws her fist, pumping.
I smack her arm and pick up Rachel in my arms. “You get to wear the pretty dress today. Are you excited?” I ask her.
“So excited! We get to go get our hair fixed?” She throws up her hands, mimicking Kaleigh.
The doorbell rings, and I let the caterer in while we go upstairs to get dressed so we can leave the caterers to do their thing while we get pampered.
Even Gabe comes along for the fun. Well, not fun for him, but he pretends.
Once we get home, we all rush upstairs to change with only twenty minutes to spare.
I hurry into my room and pull out my white skirt that is tight to the knees with pleats all the way around. I pair it with a tight brown spaghetti-strapped camisole that molds to my boobs, and my brown strappy wedges.
“Umm, Lauren? I think you should see this,” I hear Kaleigh say at the same time the doorbell rings. I sp
ray my perfume on and rush downstairs, where my parents have just walked in with all of their friends arriving at the same time.
“Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad.” I greet them with a hug.
“Thank you, dear,” Mom says, hugging me in return.
“Please, everyone, come in. I had the backyard set up for our brunch.” I point the way to the backyard. Kaleigh, who has changed and is now wearing a pretty, pink sundress—with a bra, I might add—rushes over to me.
“I think you need to see outside before everyone else does.” she says with her teeth clenched, which confuses me.
“What are you talking about?” I ask and then the doorbell rings again. I go to answer it before Kaleigh does. I open the door to be greeted by a guy holding a huge chocolate bouquet.
I gasp out in shock when I see that all of the chocolates are made of penises and the pail holding them is adorned with a huge pink bow. “I have a delivery for Lauren,” he announces, looking at the clipboard in his hand.
“I…” I stutter while he pushes the pail into my hands. “I didn’t order these.” I look down and see that there are both white chocolate ones and milk chocolate ones, all on white sticks. I shake my head, my throat getting dry. He walks to his truck that is parked in the driveway and comes back with two more pails. “I don’t want this,” I say to him, but he’s just a delivery guy, so he just smiles and leaves.
“Oh my god,” Kaleigh says from beside me. “Don’t freak out.” She looks at me.
“Why would I freak out?” I ask right when my mother yells from outside.
I walk past the caterers, who are still preparing. When I walk into the backyard, my eyes survey the scene as my mouth hangs open at what I see.
I look at the white tables I ordered that are all set up with the turquoise tablecloths I requested. The little glass vases holding the white flowers in them just like I ordered in the center of each table. Except there are also bouquets of balloons—all white and turquoise, each one stamped with a penis.
Now, as if that isn’t bad enough, there are also approximately fifty two-foot tall pink, penis-shaped helium balloons. The penis has a smile on the head and a blue bow around the shaft. They are all floating around the yard.
Tempt The Boss Page 8
