by Archer, Kiki
Susan nodded and glanced at the pale blue Clio that was potentially blocking her in. “Yes, I think it’s a three part interview. Today’s the tour of the school, and get to know you chats. The candidates will get a feel for St Wilf’s and withdraw if it’s not quite for them.” Susan walked to the back of her car, judging the space between her and the Clio. “It just means there’s not that awful situation when someone gets offered the job, only to turn it down minutes later.”
“You think I’ll have get to know you chats?”
Susan smiled. “No one else has applied for the School Direct Programme, so if you’re called for interview it means they want you. The whole thing will be one big get to know you chat.” She walked to the other side of the car. “The school has to subscribe to some form of teacher training each year, and this programme means they get their lessons covered without having to pay you.”
“They’ll use me?”
Susan stepped backwards, frowning at the jam. “No, you use them to get your NQT status. The Government pays for the programme.” She shook her head. “I’m really not sure I can get out of here. Shall we just go back in for one more cup of tea? Flights are going out all afternoon.”
“We’ve had five cups already! No, come on, we can’t delay this any longer. Pass me the keys: I’ll get us out.”
“It’s a Prius. You’re sure?” Susan turned around as she heard the crunch of car tyres and the beeping of a horn.
“Mon amie, mon amie!” Marcus was leaning out of the window of his Fiat Punto Sport. “Are you leaving? Can I take your space? I’m continuing Angel’s tour of the school today.” Angel leaned across his lap and waved, causing Marcus to over rev the engine.
Jenna stepped into view and smiled. “Marcus! Great to see you again! So sorry to hear about your tribunal.”
Marcus elbowed Angel back into her own seat. “What are you doing back?”
“Oh, just a romantic surprise visit. I had a spare morning so I thought I’d make the most of it with my gorgeous girlfriend.”
Marcus sniffed. “Well you’ve got some competition coming your way. I’ve seen the candidates for the vice principal post.” He let out a long, low whistle. “There’s this one tall blonde lady with the most amazing blue eyes. She’s surely the front runner. Shame you won’t be around next year to keep an eye on Susan.”
Susan butted in. “Jenna will hear about her School Direct interview any day now. They’re bound to accept her.”
Marcus scoffed. “Not if the tequila tit shots on Facebook are anything to go by.”
Jenna took the keys from Susan and unlocked the car. “Watch yourself, Marcus. I wouldn’t want to dent your trike.”
“My what?”
“Sorry, I thought you peddled that thing. Come on, Susan, jump in.” Jenna took a seat and slammed the door, staring at the confusing dashboard and wondering where on earth the ignition was.
Susan joined her in the passenger seat and fanned her face. “He’s seen the photos! I bet he’s made copies!”
“No, he’d have used them by now.”
“How?”
“To try and get you to change your mind about his tribunal.” She shook her head. “Amber says she’s taken them off. He probably saw them ages ago.”
Susan reached over and pressed the round power button. “And Hugo?”
Jenna tapped her foot against the floor wondering where the clutch was. “I’ll give him a call when I get to the airport. But don’t worry, the internet will be Jenna James free.” She nodded as Susan pressed the reverse button. “Come on, let’s churn up some gravel and try and chip him as we pass.”
“Watch that car!” shouted Susan as Jenna swung around too quickly, narrowly missing the pale blue paintwork.
“It’s fine, we’re clear, let’s go,” said Jenna, slamming her foot to the floor, slightly disappointed when the Prius rolled silently out of the car park. “Bugger, I wanted to make a real exit. He’s such a knob, and what the hell’s that lady from the Black Bear doing with him? I thought she was nice.”
Susan shrugged. “I think she likes him. They seem to be a genuine couple.”
“Bollocks,” said Jenna, hoping the car would pick up speed. “He’s playing the look I’m a taken man card.”
“The what?”
“You know. He’s an upstanding professional with a loyal partner. No shenanigans here, governor.”
“You think?”
“Yes, it looks better than him being a single male predator.”
Susan laughed. “He’s just a bit misguided.”
“You still don’t think he’s done anything wrong, do you?”
“Oh I don’t know. Can we stop talking about him? It’s only half an hour to the airport. Let’s talk about love instead.”
Jenna smiled and tapped the indicator, rolling smoothly out of St Wilfred’s long drive. “When you know, you know. And this time I know we’ll be fine.”
“Just fine,” said Susan with a smile.
Chapter Twenty Five
“No, I’m not fine!” wailed Susan, double crossing her legs.
“Just calm down,” said Jenna, dropping her hand from the steering wheel and stroking Susan’s thigh.
“Don’t touch me! It’ll come out!”
Jenna tried not to laugh. “The traffic’s bound to move in a minute.”
“You said that ten minutes ago!” Susan was jiggling in the passenger seat. “We shouldn’t have had all those cups of tea!”
“Hey, you were the one who kept putting the kettle back on.”
“Yes, because I wanted to delay your trip to the airport, but now I can’t wait to see that bloody airport!”
Jenna checked the clock on the dashboard. “I think I’ll have to catch the later flight. Nothing seems to be moving.”
“You said we’d be moving in a minute!”
Jenna frowned. “Why does this car keep switching itself off?”
“It’s a Prius! I need a wee and I seriously can’t hold it any longer!”
“You have to,” said Jenna, trying not to smile. “I’m surprised the Prius doesn’t have an en-suite.”
“I can’t! And stop saying it like that!”
“We’re on the M25. We’re boxed in.”
“So get me onto the hard shoulder. I’ll climb the embankment. There are bound to be some trees.”
“I can’t. Nothing’s moving.”
Susan unbuckled her seat belt and started to bounce. “Maybe I could just nip out now?”
“You can’t run across the carriageway!”
“So find me something to wee in! I’ll get in the back seat. I seriously can’t hold it.”
Jenna glanced around the car, spotting the can of de-icer in the side of her door. She pulled it out and took off the lid. “This?” she said with a frown.
Susan triple crossed her legs and rocked from side to side. “Stop it! This is serious. I’m going to get a hernia.”
“You’re going to roll this tin can car if you keep that up.”
“It’s a Prius!”
Jenna shrugged. “It’s stopped.”
“It’s energy saving!”
“Why don’t you save some energy and just sit still?”
Susan upped her shaking. “Jiggling helps.”
“You’re swishing around ten pints of tea. Just relax and let your body absorb it.”
“Jenna!” Susan’s octave was high. “I can’t! It’s coming! It’s seriously coming!”
“What’s that blanket?” asked Jenna, turning around and pointing to the parcel shelf of the car.
“It’s my Grandma’s. She leant it me for picnics and stuff.”
“So roll it up and piss on it. It’s bound to be absorbent.”
“Jenna!” Susan was snorting back the giggles. “You’re making this worse! Seriously it’s coming. It’s coming any minute now.”
Jenna reached into the back of the car and lifted up the small umbrella. “Open this up and wee in here. It’s waterproof.”
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“The prongs will poke me. Plus it’s bad luck.”
“Just straddle it, Susan.”
“Stop it! There must be something!”
Jenna pointed to the wing mirrors. “Look, there’s a big lorry behind us and a big truck on your left hand side. Just open your door slightly and pop your bottom out.”
“Will I get in trouble?”
“No, just keep your legs inside. It’s not like you’re stepping onto the fast lane.” She tapped her own thighs. “Here, put your legs on me and just edge yourself backwards. I’ll keep hold of your ankles.”
Susan was wiggling, frantically surveying the situation. “What will I hold on to?”
“Hold the back of the head rest with one hand and the door handle with the other.”
“Wait! I’ve got a torch in the glove box. I could take the batteries out and wee in there.” She hit the mottled plastic and fished out the small flashlight, quickly unscrewing the bulb.
“You’ll electrocute yourself, Susan! Plus it’s only going to take two pipettes worth of piss.”
“Jenna! It’s coming!” screamed Susan, throwing the torch back down. “I’m sticking my bottom out! Take hold of my legs!” Susan pulled her jeans and pants down to her ankles and clung onto the head rest, opening the door slightly and edging her bottom out into the cold. “Am I far enough?” she shouted, catching her breath in the breeze.
Jenna glanced to the left before noticing the gap that had appeared ahead of them and the flashing of lights in her rear view mirror. “Hang on, Susan.”
“What? Wait! No!”
Jenna heard the horn from behind and touched on the accelerator, bringing the car back to life. “Sorry,” she gasped as the car shunted forwards.
Susan’s arm pulled taut as her door flew open. She yanked on the head rest trying desperately hard to keep her bottom up. “You’re dragging my arse along the M25! Stop the car would you?”
“I can’t! We’re moving!”
“I’m going to graze! Get me back in!”
“Have you done it yet?” shouted Jenna, continuing to roll forwards.
“No! I’m trying to stop myself from scuffing!”
“I’m going slowly. Just let it all out!”
“I can’t!” cried Susan, hauling herself back into the car. She slammed the door shut and took a sharp breath. “It’s coming! It’s seriously coming!”
“Grab the blanket then!”
“No! It’s mohair!” Susan frantically pulled on all the compartments close to her, yelping in glee as a small, yellow square dropped out of the dashboard bin.
“What? What is it?”
Susan wildly un-scrunched the yellow square. “It’s a Quavers packet! I ate them yesterday!”
“And what are you going to do with that?” asked Jenna, trying to keep her eyes on the road.
“Straddle it!” screamed Susan, uncontrollably falling into the back of the car and pulling her jeans off at the ankle. She squatted in the foot well and fanned out the packet.
“Was it family-sized?” asked Jenna.
“What? No—” shouted Susan, adjusting her position and daring to unclench. She shuddered in orgasmic relief. “Ahh, it’s coming.”
“You’re pissing into a packet of Quavers?”
“Yes, and it’s beautiful. Wait, no, it’s going too high!” Susan was recklessly throwing her head down between her legs, then back up again in a look of panic. “It’s going to go over! It’s going to go over!”
“Stop yourself!” shouted Jenna. “Squeeze!”
Susan squeezed the packet by mistake splashing warmth all over her fingers. “No!” she gasped as the flow continued. “I can’t stop!”
Jenna glanced down into the foot well. “Bloody hell! It’s like Niagara Falls back there!”
“It’s not funny,” cried Susan, sloshing the packet between her legs. “I’m still going!”
Jenna sniffed. “Cheese Quavers, or stinky piss?”
“It’s the crisps! There were crumbs left in the packet.” She glanced down. “Dissolved now though.”
Jenna pulled a face. “Vaporised more like!”
Susan slowed her breathing and closed her eyes in relief. “Ahh, I think I’m done. Oh, no, wait, just a little bit more.” She sighed again. “Yes, that’s it. I’m done.”
“Well thank heavens for that,” said Jenna.
Susan stayed squatted as she glanced at the floor. “I think I might have got a little bit on the carpet.”
“A little bit? That’ll soak through. People will think we’ve got an oil leak.”
“You have been zero help,” said Susan, wiggling her bottom and shaking off the last of the drips. She sat backwards onto the seat and balanced the crisp packet in her palm. “Let me just tip this out of the window,” she said, lifting the yellow bag, which was full to the brim. She held it in position and pressed the open button, shrieking out in horror as a gust of wind blew the bag backwards. “No!” she cried as it sloshed all over her shirt.
Jenna tried to swallow her laughter. “Look, we’re really moving now. This is our junction.”
“You swerved!” shouted Susan.
“I did not! You really think I want to stand in front of that check-in lady with you smelling of cat piss!”
“It’s my piss!”
“She’ll think we’ve progressed onto golden showers.”
Susan tipped out the couple of remaining drips that were left in the bottom of the bag. “Oh good god,” she said, looking down at the state of herself. “I’m so, so sorry.”
Jenna shrugged. “It happens.”
“Does it?”
“To you, Susan Quinn, yes it does.” She looked in the rear view mirror and nodded. “Watch out though. That shirt’s going to stain.”
Chapter Twenty Six
Susan glanced down at her favourite white shirt, pleased that after three weeks the slight yellow tinge had finally come out. She picked a stray hair from the cuff and turned her attention back to her laptop and the latest romantic email from Jenna. She blushed and looked once more around the quiet school library. It was 6.00 p.m. and most of the day girls had gone home. The odd stray boarder continued to come out of the shelves, most probably making their way to the dinner hall, but for the most part Susan was alone. She smiled to herself, reading all about Jenna’s latest school group, and swooning at her comment that there hadn’t been a teacher as beautiful as her since their trip back in February. Susan clicked on the reply button and started to type.
Everything had been perfect since Jenna’s impromptu flight over. It was as if they had started from scratch. The way it was meant to be in the beginning, without all the questions and insecurities. Just safe in the knowledge that they were in love, and both felt it completely. Susan tapped away, enjoying the freedom of that Friday night feeling. She’d been in the library since 3.00 p.m. marking books and planning lessons, and was now up to date and raring to go. She was meeting Felicity in the Black Bear at 8.00 p.m., along with a couple of Felicity’s friends, who had started to become her friends too, so she knew she had plenty of time to tap away to her heart’s content.
“So,” wrote Susan, “I thought I’d make a list of all of the ways you make me happy…and yes, I am trying to ‘out-cheese’ the list you sent me of my top twenty most beautiful body parts. So, here goes:
You make me happy:
1. Every time you look at me.
2. Every time you smile.
3. Every time you finish your calls with I love you.
4. Every time you call me ‘gorgeous.’
5. Every time you send me an actual letter in the actual post.
6. Every time you ask about my day.
7. Every time you send me a selfie.
8. Every time you sing me love songs and add my name to the lyrics.
9. Every time you—”
“Ahem, mon amie, I was wondering if I’d be able to borrow your laptop for un momento.” Marcus was standing in front
of Susan’s work station, fumbling with something in the breast pocket of his well-worn tweed jacket.
Susan looked up from the screen and frowned. “You’ve asked me the same question at least three times over the last three weeks, and every time I’ve been busy. I’m sorry, Marcus, but you really should get your own sorted out.”
“Fat Shirley from IT’s leaving and she’s slacking in her final few weeks.”
“Marcus, it’s her thyroid.”
Marcus preened the corner of his moustache with his tongue. “Well good riddance to her and her doughnut addiction, and anyway, her replacement’s almost sorted. Did you see the candidates today? There was this one red head who looked like she’d be ferocious in bed.”
“Marcus!”
“Fight fire with fire, that’s what they say.” He ran his fingers through his thinning orange hair. “We’d be a perfect match, and I’m sure my Angel wouldn’t be averse to a little ménage a trois.”
“I don’t want to know.”
“I’m just bantering like I do with the boys. You’re one of us now, aren’t you? I’m embracing your love of the ladies.” He stepped in closer and whispered. “Maybe we could share stories one day? Ooo, that reminds me. It was the second round of the history interviews as well and there was this one cute filly with a really naughty twinkle in her eye. Chestnut brown hair. Figure you’d fuc—”
“For goodness sake, Marcus. Just stop it.” Susan returned her fingers to her keyboard.
“Let me quickly surf your nettage and I’ll be on my way.”
Susan nodded her head sideways. “Just use the library ones.”
“But I’ll have to log on, and the boot up takes ages.”
Susan pressed the enter key with far more force than was required. She took a deep breath and looked up at Marcus. He was still fumbling with his jacket and appeared to be shifting his weight from foot to foot. “I’m really sorry, but I’m busy. You could have booted up ages ago.”
“Mon amie, I’ve been making amends. I hope you’ve noticed my recent acts of gallant chivalry and—”
“Marcus, please.”
He stayed silent for a moment before softening his voice. “I had been hoping you’d reconsidered my request as a character witne—”
