by JJ Zep
“Can I ask you for another favor, Jit?”
“What?”
“Don’t do me any more favors in the future.”
“Right, I can see you don’t want to be cheered up, Dexter.” He got up from the chair then seemed to remember something. “Oh,” he said. “I brought you a present.” He handed me a small box, wrapped in pink paper with red hearts.
“What is it?” I said.
“A box of cigars.”
“You know I don’t smoke,” I said sharply and for the first time since I’d known Jitterbug, he actually looked hurt. “Thanks, anyway,” I added quickly, but I could see the damage was done.
Jitterbug started to walk away, then turned back towards me. “By the way,” he said. “While you’re blaming me for the life they’re going to dock you tomorrow, you may want to remember that I saved you one, back in Devil’s Gulch.”
“You did? I must have missed that,” I said.
“Who do you think slapped the pistol out of John Wesley Hardin’s hand and then stuck his finger into the barrel of the other six-shooter?” He held up his index finger, which had the biggest blister I’d ever seen and I felt just as bad as I’d ever felt.
twenty six
On the day of my trial, I was taken down to the impressive courthouse in the judicial district of the Seventh Circle. Advocate Cheese met me on the steps and delivered the first bit of bad news of the day.
“I’m afraid we’ve drawn the short straw regarding the allocation of judges,” he said. “We’ve got Judge Moloch.”
“Is that a bad thing?” I said.
“Let just say he’s not known as Moloch the Loveless for nothing. Unless we can provide proof of some dark deeds on your part I’m afraid my estimate of six hundred years may have been somewhat short of the mark. You don’t have any do you? Dark deeds I mean? Moloch’s a bit of a letch, so tales of debauchery and such always go down well with him.”
“I’ve got nothing,” I said.
Oh well,” Cheese said with a sigh, “we gave it our best shot.”
Our case was to be heard in Courtroom 77, a vast room that somewhat resembled a gothic cathedral. There were quite of few people in court but hardly enough to fill the space and it echoed and boomed with every step as we made our way to the front row of seats.
We’d just taken our places when a bailiff called us to our feet and then bellowed. “All rise and shut your filthy, festering gobs, you scum! His satanic magnificence, Judge Moloch approaches!”
There was a rustle of clothing and a sliding of chairs as the judge shuffled in, looking as cracked and ancient as the Dead Sea Scrolls. He was dressed in a purple robe and a judge's wig, and was supported by a court orderly, a one-eyed ogre wearing a white kaftan. With his free hand the judge leaned heavily on a cane. The orderly helped him onto an ornate throne and then backed away, bowing with every step.
Moloch picked up a large gavel and banged it experimentally. In the cavernous courtroom it boomed like a giant playing timpani. He then leaned forward and blew into the microphone sitting on his podium. Wailing feedback filled the courtroom, and several of those in attendance threw their hands up to their ears. Somewhere a woman screamed in astonishment and a chair was sent crashing over. There were shushing sounds from around the room punctuated by the Bailiff's threats to smash the next festering gob that uttered a sound.
“Silence!” Judge Moloch screamed and banged his gavel, making the feedback wail again.
Despite the seriousness of my situation I could feel crazy laughter welling just below the surface and I had a hard time keeping it there. Beside me I could see Advocate Cheese, sitting stone-faced and straight, as though he'd seen it all before.
“Silence!” The judge screamed again, and this time the courtroom fell silent by degrees. Even the feedback complied.
The Judge nodded in the direction of the Bailiff who cleared his throat for effect, then read from the charge sheet.
“If it pleases your satanic majesty, may we proceed with docket 616, the Realm of Hades versus Dexter Blackwell, alias Johnny Black. The charges are as follows, two counts of illegal flight from jurisdiction, one charge of falsifying official documentation, one charge of impersonating an SPAA agent, one of aiding and abetting a fugitive. There are various other misdemeanors listed, majesty, shall I read them out?"
“Don’t bother. The court has already reached a decision.”
“As you wish, my lord.”
“Who speaks for this soul?” Moloch growled.
“I do, your magnificence,” Cheese responded getting to his feet.
“Well, he's guilty, guilty, guilty”, said the judge. “So don't even bother wasting my time. The sentence of the court is ten thousand years on the furnace and three lives forfeited.”
“If it please the court?” Cheese interrupted.
“Oh very well, Cheese”, the judge said, sounding even more irritable than before. "Just make it quick."
“I laud your magnificent generosity in presenting such a light sentence, but I have a few of witnesses I would like introduce in mitigation.”
“Yes, yes Cheese, get on with it,” Moloch growled.
"If it please the court, I call to the stand, Special Agent Aloysius "Dope" Doppelganger.” Dope stepped up to the stand and raised his hand.
“Do you promise to tell us what you know, with minimal fabrication?” the bailiff asked.
“I’ll give it my best shot,” Dope said, and took his seat. He went on to testify that my trip to New Mexico, though unauthorized, had netted a sought after fugitive. He explained that the capture of Billy the Kid had brought much prestige to Hades Correctional and would likely gain us favored supplier status within the soul detention industry for eons to come.
Agent Barnes was up next. He testified as to the discovery of Billy the Kid. He also spoke about the dangers of confining two souls in one body, and called it an act of foolishness, but one that had paid off handsomely for the company in the end. Noble followed and said much the same as Barnes.
After each witness had testified, the judge consulted with his assessors and delivered a revised sentence. The testimony of the three agents had, thus far, gained me a reprieve of six thousand years and won one of my lives back. But that still meant that, unless Cheese could provide further cause for mitigation of sentence, I was facing four thousand years and would lose two lives.
“If it please the court,” Cheese said. “My next witness is…”
“No, it does not please the court!” Moloch shouted from the podium, causing shrieking feedback again. “What’s the point of all these witnesses, Cheese? I was counting on an early lunch.”
“I assure you, magnificence, that this is our final witness.”
“Make it quick then,” Moloch growled. “There’s Salisbury steak in the canteen today, you know.”
“I call as my final witness, the imp, Jitterbug Pavarotti,” Cheese said.
Jitterbug strode purposefully to the stand and the bailiff asked him to raise his hand. “You ever met an imp you could trust?” Jitterbug said.
“No.”
“Then why are we bothering with this crap?”
“Good point,” the bailiff said and pointed Jitterbug to the witness chair. The little imp cast a disapproving look in my direction and I could see that he was still angry about our previous conversation. I just hoped he wouldn’t say anything that ended up increasing my sentence again.
“Mr. Pavarotti,” Cheese said. “How exactly do you know the condemned, Johnny Black?”
“He’s a stiff from Mr. Belial’s accounts department,” Jitterbug said, looking straight at me. “Dope used him on a couple of cases, and sent me along to babysit. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve pulled his ass out of the fire. Not that I get any appreciation for it.”
“I see, and how would you describe the condemned?”
“He’s a no-good, double-dealing, lying, philandering, unappreciative scoundrel. A bad sort,” Jitter
bug said.
“And could you furnish us with some evidence of Mr. Black’s no-good, philandering activities, as you put it?”
“Dexter’s one for the dames,” Jitterbug said. “Don’t ask me what they see in him but, for example, we did this gig in Chicago 1927, and he was making whoopee with this broad Alice. Not too talented in the reasoning department but…whoooa, if you get my drift.”
“Well endowed?” the judge said eagerly.
“I’d say, judge. Put it this way, she’d need a special permit for those weapons in certain jurisdictions.”
“Any other indiscretions you can enlighten us on, that is to say of a carnal nature,” the judge asked.
“How much time you got, Judge? This guy’s one hot potato. No sooner had he broken poor Alice’s heart than he takes up with some hotsy-totsy actress broad, then when we were in Rome, he stupped Mrs. Mark Antony.”
“The Mark Antony?”
“The very same. And it doesn’t end there…”
“There’s more?”
“Oh yeah, judge…”
“In Paris, he took up with Marie Antoinette.”
“Not Queen Marie Antoinette?”
“Is there any other?”
“She’s one of my favorite historical women,” the judge said. “Such a pity they took her in at Elysium. I’d have loved to have had her appear before me. Johnny Black slept with Marie?”
“Well, I admit I wasn’t witness to this myself judge, but a close friend and associate of mine, someone I trust implicitly, saw the whole thing. There was a lady-in-waiting involved too.”
“No!”
“Oh, yeah.”
“Anything else?”
“On our last assignment he led some sweet, innocent, young girl, down the garden path, promised to take her to California, and then left her heartbroken.”
“He didn’t enjoy intimate relations with this sweet, innocent, young girl did be?” the judge said, all but drooling at the mouth.
“He probably would have judge, if he wasn’t banging his boss’ wife.”
“Disgusting!” the judge said.
“I’ll say,” Jitterbug agreed.
“Shame on you, Johnny Black,” the judge said, looking towards me with fire in his eyes.
twenty seven
Jitterbug left the witness stand and walked out of the courtroom throwing me a venomous look on the way. Cheese though seemed rather pleased with his testimony, even giving him a thumbs-up as he passed.
“That will get us a reduction, you see if it doesn’t,” Cheese said.
“What!” I said. “In case you hadn’t noticed, Jitterbug’s just torn me apart up there.”
“That’s exactly the point,” Cheese said. “The judge will have to take that in mitigation. You may have left Hades illegally, but while you were upstairs you led a fair few mortals into temptation. Plus, lust is one of the seven deadly sins, which the assessors will definitely have to take into account.”
“What a messed up system,” I said, and Cheese looked annoyed again.
The judge meanwhile was in deep discussion with his assessors. After a while they broke off their deliberations and the judge banged his gavel.
“The condemned will stand,” he boomed and I got to my feet.
“Johnny Black,” Judge Moloch said, “You have been found guilty on all the charges brought against you, but given the damning testimony presented here by the imp, Jitterbug, I had no option but to reduce your sentence. It is the ruling of this court that you will forfeit one soul life, and that you will serve a minimum of six hundred years at hard labor, working the main furnace.”
“Yes!” Cheese said beside me and punched the air and then hugged me, while I stood in stunned silence. Six hundred years! He may as well have left it at ten thousand.
“Right,” the judge said, “I’m off to lunch then.” He rose to go as a commotion broke of at the back of the courtroom.
“I demand to be heard!” a woman’s voice shouted.
“The trial’s over madam, one of the bailiff’s said. “The judge is off to lunch, he’s already made his ruling.”
At the podium, Judge Moloch had turned back towards the courtroom, “What is the meaning of this?” he bellowed.
“I have important information, judge,” the woman shouted back. I still couldn’t see her in the melee, but I recognized the voice.
“I have already ruled, madam,” Moloch yelled. “Be gone with you!”
“But judge,” Pandora Jain said, pushing through the crowd. “The information I have is of a delicate nature.” She lifted a hand to her mouth and blushed. “And rather explicit,” he added.
I’ve spoken before about how gorgeous Pandora Jain is, but today she had really outdone herself. She was dressed in a little black number that was both low-cut and high-riding, she wore sheer black stockings and black stiletto heels, her hair was piled high on her head and she wore more make up than usual. She looked both slutty and sophisticated and to an old letch like Moloch, she was like catnip to a kitty.
“Let her through,” Moloch boomed and then sent the bailiff away when he tried to swear her in.
“Please sit, sit,” the judge said. Pandora sat down in the witness chair and crossed her legs, showing more of her suspenders than she needed to.
“Thank you judge,” Pandora muttered. “For allowing me to tell my story.”
“Not at all dearest,” Moloch said. “All in the name of justice. Now, how do you know the condemned?”
“We’ve been…oh, I cant say it,” Pandora said.
“Take your time,” the judge said. “No rush, just tell us what you can.”
“We’ve been intimate!” Pandora suddenly blurted.
“Oh my,” the judge said leaning forward in his chair. “And how did this occur?”
“I’m just a humble shepherd girl from a small village in India,” Pandora said. “One night while tending my flock he crept up on me in the dark, and he…he…had his way with me.” She looked down and blushed.
“And what more you can share with us?” the judge asked eagerly. “The devil’s in the details, as they say. What were you wearing, for example?”
“My little shepherdess’ outfit,” Pandora said coyly.
“With the crook and bonnet?”
“Yes,” Pandora nodded.
“And after the condemned fell upon you while you were in your shepherdess’ outfit with the crook and bonnet, what happened next?”
“I’d like to tell you,” Pandora said, “but…” she looked down again and wrung her hands together.
“Yes?”
“I’m too shy,” Pandora whispered.
“No need to by embarrassed, dear. The court needs to hear the intimate details. Now, just take your…”
“Could I whisper it in your ear?” Pandora said suddenly and the judge looked momentarily stunned.
“Of course,” he said. “Of course you can, as long as you promise to reveal all. Every little detail might be important to the outcome of this case.”
“This really is rather unorthodox,” one of the assessors said.
“Butt out, Baal,” the judge said. “Or I’ll have you working blasphemy cases.”
Pandora climbed up to the podium, placed an arm around Moloch’s shoulder and started to relate her sordid tale. I’m not sure exactly what she said to the judge, but his face told its own story, his expressions ranging from astonishment to disbelief to utter shock.
“Is that even possible?” he said at one point, and at another, Pandora had to remove a handkerchief from her stocking to wipe the drool from his chin. By the time she finished her story, ten minutes later, Moloch had sweat running down his brow, and looked utterly exhausted.
“So you see, judge,” Pandora said out loud, “Johnny Black may be a scoundrel, but if he can seduce a sweet, innocent, young thing like myself, I’d say he’s an asset to Hades. You will let him go, won’t you judge? Say you will.”
“I will let
him go,” Judge Moloch said, probably not even aware that he’d just been malficiumed.
twenty eight
And so it was that my ten thousand year sentence was reduced to time served, and I left the courtroom with all of my five lives intact. Outside, I found Pandora giving an interview to a Hades TV mobile unit. I waited until she’d finished and then walked over.
“Johnny Black,” Pandora said. “Congratulations on your acquittal.”
“Thank you, Pandora,” I said, “For what you did in there, and also for the best sex I never had.”
“Oh, don’t thank me,” she said. “Thank your friend.”
“Friend?”
“Jitterbug of course, he set this all up.”
“Well, I’ll be…”
“Damned,” she said. “I believe you already are. Keep your head down, Johnny Black, hopefully we’ll hook up down the trail sometime, somewhere.”
She turned to go, then spun back towards me. “Oh, when you see Jit,” she said, “give him this.” She handed me a yellow and black woolen cap.
“Jitterbug’s bobbit?” I said. “How did you get this? I thought he had it locked up in a safe deposit box.”
“He did. He gave it to me to testify on your behalf, but I know how attached he is to the old thing. Besides, it clashes with just about everything in my wardrobe.”
I watched Pandora walk away and looked down at the yellow and black beanie in my hand. This little woolen cap meant more to Jitterbug than anything in the world, yet he’d been prepared to give it up in order to help me. I felt a lump rising in my throat and I might even have shed a tear if a cop hadn’t suddenly cast a venomous glance in my direction. After my narrow escape, the last thing I needed was to be arrested for an unlawful show of emotion.
Nonetheless, I needed to get my friend’s bobbit back to him right away. The SPAA building was only a few blocks from the courthouse so I started walking briskly in that direction and then broke into a jog. I got Dope to buzz me through into the building and rode the elevator down to U14 where I found Jitterbug smoking a cigar and staring wistfully out across his training pool.
