When the women cleared the dishes after dessert, she tried to join them but was quickly waved back to her seat. One of them, the older brother’s wife, glanced at all the leftover food on Ellie’s plate as she picked it up. Her name suddenly came back to Ellie: Annie King.
Annie smiled. “You don’t eat. That’s why you are too thin. I hope you are healthy.”
Ellie gave her a slight smile in return, not appreciating the insult behind the seemingly well-intentioned remark. Good Lord, she thought with a start, did every family have an Aunt Lillian, even Amish families? For the first time that day, she wanted to laugh.
Rachel and her daughter, Katie, had spent the meal at the far end of the table, and were now cleaning up in the kitchen area. As everyone finally left the table, Ellie worked her way over to them. Rachel was wrapping up the little leftover dessert there was and scraping table scraps into a dog’s food bowl. Ellie put a hand on her arm.
“This is so hard,” she said, speaking quietly so that no one else could hear over the multiple conversations going on in the room. “I’m sorry for any trouble it’s brought to you.”
Rachel continued with what she was doing without looking up. “Fine.”
“I hope we can be—” Ellie was about to say friends, but that seemed ridiculous. “I hope we can have some kind of relationship.”
“Perhaps.” Rachel set the plate in her hands down on the counter. “Did you get what you came for today?”
Ellie was taken aback, unsure whether it was a sincere question or Rachel’s way of asking if she would please go now and not come back. It was also a good question, Ellie realized, but one to which she didn’t know the answer.
“Excuse me, but I have to go to help my Uncle Judah.” Katie appeared beside Ellie and was addressing her. “It was very nice to meet you.”
“Oh, I so enjoyed meeting you, too, Katie. Thank you.” She knew her parents would give anything for a photograph of their grandchild, but she had vaguely recalled once hearing that the Amish didn’t pose for pictures, so she hadn’t bothered to bring a camera. Ellie tried to commit the details of her appearance to memory so she could describe her later.
She ignored the protests of Rachel’s sisters, and helped them finish clearing up. The elder Kings, Isaac’s parents, came over to say good-bye, explaining that they had promised to visit Amos’s brother that evening and needed to be on their way.
“Buggy’s not quite as fast as your car,” Amos said with a grin, “but I’ll bet you knew that.”
“I guess I did.” She smiled back at him.
“Next time you come, you will take a ride with us,” his wife, Hannah, added.
“That would be wonderful.” Ellie decided she liked these people. They had a welcoming manner. They must be nice grandparents. And they would have been mine, she couldn’t help thinking. Heck, they are mine. With a start, she pictured her grandparents back in New York. If she had been living here, she never would have known them. A terrible thought.
The rest of the men began drifting over to say their good-byes to her. They all had work to do, chores to which they had to get back. Saturday was not a day off around here. The women were washing and drying dishes, talking quietly among themselves but repeatedly glancing in her direction.
She had planned to stay longer. Now, she couldn’t wait to leave. She went over to Leah.
“I realize you have a lot to do, and I should drive home before it gets dark.” Ellie hoped no one would call her on the fact that, considering this was June, it would be many hours before it got dark. “Thank you.” That seemed hopelessly inadequate, but she couldn’t decide what words would be appropriate for this occasion.
Leah gave her a hug, then quickly stepped back, seeming startled by her own impulsivity. “To learn this, to see you …” She trailed off.
The other women offered their good-byes. Rachel said she was on her way to finish some work upstairs and disappeared from the room without any further discussion. Isaac came over to walk Ellie out, grabbing one of the straw hats from a hook near the door. She took a closer look at his haircut, his beard, his clothes. So strange. She couldn’t recognize this man as her father, not in a million years.
He might have been having the same thought. Taking her hand again as they paused by her car, he gave her a searching look. “So. You are my daughter.”
She nodded. “Can you think of me that way?”
He considered her question. “I am trying.”
“I appreciate your honesty.”
“Rachel is also our daughter. She has been a good daughter.”
“Of course! Please don’t think I would ever dream of trying to replace her.”
“No, I do not think that. But this is not easy for her. Her Jacob died only three years ago. She has Katie to think of.”
Ellie was stunned. Why hadn’t it occurred to her that Rachel might be a widow? She had assumed the husband was away or they were divorced. Idiot, she said to herself, the Amish probably don’t even have divorces.
“I didn’t know …”
He smiled. “We must give this time. We need to know each other. To understand each other.” He reached over to open the car door for her.
She squeezed his hand. “Thank you.” Isaac? Father? She didn’t know what to call him, so she stopped there. She got into the car.
“We will talk again?”
She nodded. He raised his hand in farewell, then turned and went back toward the house. Ellie buckled her seat belt, then looked once more at the pristine house, the bucolic setting. In under four hours, she would be back home in her apartment. Would this day even seem real to her?
Chapter 10
Rachel sat in her chair, struggling to concentrate on the quilt piece she was working on. Ever since the night before, she had been unable to think about anything other than Ellie Lawrence’s visit.
She had done absolutely nothing to make Ellie feel comfortable or even wanted there. On the contrary, she had said little, sat with Katie at the far end of the table to avoid conversing with their guest—or answering what must have been dozens of questions the woman would doubtless have liked to ask—and made it plain that she had no interest in pursuing this further. She had acted like a child, she thought. No—far worse. The children would never have behaved as badly as she had.
No doubt it had been difficult for Ellie. A roomful of strangers, an impossible situation with which they were all trying to contend. But Rachel hadn’t been able to make herself care. All she could think about was seeing her mother’s face transform with joy over the sight of her newly discovered child. Even worse was standing by while Leah gazed at Ellie, and hearing her mother utter those words of love and recognition: “Isaac, it is our Rachel.”
Our Rachel.
Her mother had been practically giddy over dinner, talking more quickly and animatedly than Rachel could ever recall her doing. It was as if she was trying to impress Ellie, going on about the farm and everything they produced on it. Certainly, Rachel had never seen her mother try to impress anyone. That went against everything she believed, everything the Amish believed. The whole thing had been so out of character for Leah King, Rachel wouldn’t have believed it if she hadn’t seen it.
Her father had been more circumspect, but she had seen the wonder on his face as well, and the way he took those special moments alone with Ellie to say good-bye. She wished she knew what he said.
She resumed working. She realized she was succumbing to jealousy again, that and about a dozen other ugly, unacceptable emotions. Her shame returned in full force. Ellie hadn’t done anything to Rachel, or done anything wrong at all. She was in the same position Rachel was, a person who had lived her life and suddenly been informed it wasn’t actually meant to be hers. It wasn’t as if they were being asked to take over the other person’s life and give up their own, she reflected. Still, it felt as if everything she took for granted was no longer true. Even though she knew it didn’t make sense, her life didn’t seem q
uite … legitimate anymore.
Unhappily, she focused on her stitching. She looked up when her sister Sarah came into the kitchen. Rachel smoothed the front of her dress, as if her distraught feelings were somehow reflected in her appearance.
Sarah was carrying a basket of potatoes, and set them down on the counter to retrieve a knife from one of the kitchen drawers. She picked up a potato, then glanced over at Rachel as she prepared to start peeling.
“I’ll put these up for mashing later,” she said.
There was a brief silence, and Rachel found herself raising the one subject she thought she wanted to avoid.
“What did you think of Ellie Lawrence?”
Caught off guard, Sarah paused in what she was doing, then went back to peeling as if nothing had been said.
“Sarah?”
Her sister sighed, putting down the knife. “I don’t know what to think. We didn’t get to know her at all. It was like she didn’t want to say too much. Maybe she was afraid for some reason. Or she isn’t so friendly? Maybe there were too many of us all at once and she was nervous.” She grinned. “Guess we scared her off.”
Rachel’s sense of relief that Sarah didn’t proclaim undying love for Ellie was immediately replaced by disgust with herself for having had such a reaction.
Sarah went on. “She is an unmarried woman from New York City. She seems to have a great deal of money—you saw the clothes and jewelry she wore, the car she had. I guess her job pays well. That’s what I know, but it’s all on the surface and doesn’t tell me anything important about her. I can’t say what kind of person she is.”
“Did she seem like she could be your sister?”
Sarah picked up the knife again. “You are my sister. What may happen in the future with this other woman—” She shrugged.
Rachel nodded, looking down at her design of interlocking circles that would eventually be part of a queen-sized quilt in the Double Wedding Ring pattern. She was unprepared for Sarah’s next question.
“Will you be going to meet your own new parents in New York?”
Rachel’s head came up sharply. “I … I don’t know. Why? Do you think I should?”
“I truly don’t know what you should do. I suppose I’m asking if you want to meet them.”
“I don’t see what good it would do.”
Sarah considered her words. “It won’t do any good. Or maybe it will. But there they are, out there. You don’t wonder about them, not even a little?”
Rachel didn’t reply. Then, she stood. “Excuse me, Sarah. I have to leave.”
She let the screen door slam behind her. This was the question she had been dreading. She knew that she was going to have to face the decision sooner or later, but she was afraid such a meeting posed dangers of which she couldn’t even guess. The stability she had struggled to achieve for herself and Katie after losing Jacob could be jeopardized. Her life was inextricably bound up in the close bonds of her family and the community; to have those bonds broken, or even loosened, would leave her lost and adrift. She felt the only safety lay in staying where she was, close to home and everything she knew and loved.
She walked over to sit on one of the children’s swings, idly sweeping her bare toes back and forth in the dirt. No one was around at the moment, everyone occupied with their work. As she should be.
Nina and Gilbert Lawrence. They were indeed, as Sarah had put it, out there, living in New York City. What on earth would it be like to grow up in a big city? She hadn’t minded city life when she was a teenager; it had seemed exciting. Now, though, she wanted no part of the noise, the hurry, and the dirt. But to be a young child actually living in a city day in and day out—she had never considered that. Maybe city life didn’t bother you if you didn’t know anything else.
Still, she reminded herself, whatever she had and hadn’t experienced while growing up didn’t matter anymore. The question was what she was going to do now. If she was going to be truthful, she had to admit that, on some level, she had believed Ellie might not cause as much of a disturbance in their lives if she was allowed that one visit and then, hopefully, went away. It was obvious now that this was wishful thinking. Ellie had set something in motion, and Rachel was powerless to stop it.
Rachel realized she wanted to meet the Lawrence family. Her parents here belonged to Ellie as much as to her, but it worked both ways. She needed to see who her real mother and father were. Acting as if she never thought about going to New York was just posturing on her part, trying to minimize Ellie’s connection to the Kings. It was time for Rachel to stop pouting and pretending that she didn’t care about any of this. She cared deeply.
She went back to the house. She would contact Nina and Gil Lawrence and ask if she could visit. Someone would take her to the bus station early in the morning, and she would come home that same day. She wouldn’t bring Katie, though, that was definite. For now, she needed to do this alone.
While still apprehensive, Rachel was greatly relieved she had decided what her next step would be. She entered the kitchen to find her mother setting the peeled potatoes into a huge pot of water. Next to her were a large pile of string beans and the ingredients to prepare fried chicken.
“May I speak to you about something important?” Rachel asked.
Leah glanced up. “Will it take very long?”
“No, I guess not.” Rachel hesitated, then blurted it out. “I think I’ll go to New York to visit the Lawrence family.”
“Fine.”
“So that’s all right with you?” Rachel asked. She was suddenly anxious about what effect this might have on her mother.
She looked up in surprise. “Of course. I expected it. You have to go. I understand that.”
Rachel waited. Leah had transferred her attention to the string beans. As usual, Rachel thought, her mother was unflappable. Rachel wasn’t sure if she was grateful to her for being so understanding or shocked that she showed so little interest in the subject.
“But remember, Rachel, you are Amish. Do not forget this for even one minute.”
She turned back to see her mother gazing at her. She wondered if her mother was warning her to behave properly on her visit, or offering some support, reminding her that she was a member of this family for good. But her mother looked away, and neither of them said anything else.
Chapter 11
Jason Phillips and Ellie settled into their seats at the Japanese restaurant. It was noisy in the small room, a recently opened hot spot they both wanted to try. Despite the late hour on a weeknight, the restaurant was still crowded, but, fortunately, a table opened up almost immediately.
“Should we get some sake?” Jason picked up a menu.
“Sounds good.” A little something to fortify her, she thought. She had promised herself that this was the night she would tell Jason the truth about her background. Soon she would lay it all out for him. She was both afraid and eager to hear his reaction.
Once they ordered their dinner, she had run out of excuses to put things off. She absentmindedly played with the gleaming black and gold chopsticks, wishing her stomach would stop hurting.
“There’s something I found out about myself that I have to tell you,” she said. “It’s so crazy, you may not believe me.”
“Really?” His eyebrows shot up. “Something crazy about you? I would hardly have expected that. You’re the furthest thing from crazy.”
“Well, not anymore.”
The waitress set down two seaweed salads, giving Ellie a chance to collect her thoughts.
“Okay, here goes. A little while back I got this letter …”
She went through the story again. Jason’s handsome face wore its usual expression of bemusement until she got to the details of the switching of babies. At that point, his expression turned to incredulity. When she revealed that her biological family was Amish, he burst out laughing.
“You’re making this up!” He leaned back in his chair, his laughter growing louder.
She watched him, her heart sinking. This was the reaction she had dreaded. Disbelief, concern, confusion—anything along those lines would have made sense. From there they could have gone on to discuss the situation in more depth, and she might have gained some insight or felt some kind of support from him. She didn’t want to burden her parents with her difficulties when they had their own emotions to deal with in this whole mess, and, so far, they had agreed to put off telling A.J. and Nick until they could do it in person, all of them together. It had occurred to her that talking to an outside person might help.
After the discouraging day she had spent at the Kings’, she desperately wanted to forget the whole thing. There was no way she was going to become a beloved member of that family, or even be able to connect with them. The gaps between them were too wide. Instead of forgetting the Kings, however, she found she could think of little else. At work on Monday, she sat at her desk in a daze, recalling the way Leah King had looked into her eyes. On the subway ride home, her mind roamed over vividly green grounds surrounding the house. In bed last night, unable to sleep, she saw a parade of images: the food spread out on that long table; Daniel King smiling his friendly smile at her; the smooth, efficient way the sisters served that enormous meal to so many people. Again and again, she replayed the instant she had seen Rachel that first time, stopping to feel the warm sun on her face before sweeping the front steps.
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