Ready to Fall

by Olivia Dade

  After flipping on the light, he inspected her cheek. “Not too bad. I don’t even think it’ll need a bandage. I’m just trying to make sure there’s no gravel or dirt in the cut. I don’t want it to get infected.”

  She offered her cheek to him with absolute trust, her blond curls surrounding her head in tousled disorder. But when he gently touched a disinfectant wipe to the cut on her cheek, she hissed a deep breath through her teeth. He could see her shoulders tense.

  “I’m sorry.” He continued dabbing with the wipe, making sure to remove all the dirt from the wound. “I know it stings. But I’ll be done in just a moment.”

  “You know, other than my dad and my friend Mary, you’re the only person who’s ever taken care of me like this.” Her eyes had become distant for some reason. Sad.

  “What about your mom?” God knew, Chris’s own mother had bandaged countless cuts on her son and daughters over the years.

  She shook her head. “She drank while I was growing up. Most times, she barely noticed I was in the house with her, so she paid no attention to cuts and scrapes. And eventually, Dad got full custody, so I didn’t see her much after that.”

  Chris’s hand stilled on her cheek, the image of a young Sarah alone in a house with a negligent mother tugging at his heart. Had she learned to win her mother’s attention with humor and exaggeration? Had she performed for her mother’s drunken amusement, not knowing any other way to please the woman who’d given birth to her? Or would Sarah have become the same sort of woman no matter what, even with a better mother?

  And what could he say in response to that, really? Nothing useful, that’s for sure. “That sounds really hard, Sarah. I’m sorry.”

  She remained uncharacteristically silent as he finished cleaning the cut. Without her happy chatter, he realized he couldn’t hear another sound anywhere in or out of her house. No sirens. No traffic. No half-heard conversations drifting in through the windows.

  “It’s so quiet here,” he told her. “In Rockville, I lived in a condominium complex near the center of the city. Even with decent soundproofing, you couldn’t entirely block out the sounds of cars and people going past.”

  Her head tilted slightly toward him. “Is that where you moved from?”

  “Yeah.” He hesitated, wishing he’d never raised the subject of his previous home. “I moved here less than a year ago, though I’d been planning to relocate for a while.”

  When she looked up at him, curiosity had brightened her eyes. “There’s a big difference between life in Rockville and life in Nice County. What made you leave? Was there a better market for a bike repair shop here?”

  He didn’t want to discuss any more of his history. Didn’t even want to think about the life and woman he’d left behind in Rockville. But he knew it was too late to take back his careless comment or deter Sarah from asking about his past. She was too tenacious, too damn inquisitive. There was no dodging the topic. Now he simply needed to decide how little he could share while still answering her question.

  How could he even explain Brianna to someone like Sarah? The two women might as well have existed on separate planets. Hell, in separate universes.

  His former lover had been an ambitious, reserved doctor with an air of solemnity about her. Tall. Redheaded. They’d bought the condo after a few years of dating and led a pleasant life there. She hadn’t demanded too much of him, and he’d never expected too much from her. With their demanding jobs, they hadn’t even spent much time together. But neither had dreamed of a grand, passionate love affair. They’d told each other that compatibility, similar interests, and calm temperaments were the keys to a successful relationship.

  Which had made it all the more surprising when Brianna had suddenly left him for his best friend, Kellen. “I care about you, Chris,” Brianna had told him, apologetic but resolute. “Kellen, though . . . I love him. In a way I never loved you.”

  When the new couple had begun planning their wedding, Chris had known he needed to leave Rockville. His sense of betrayal, disillusionment, and confusion had become too overwhelming. It was beginning to damage his working life and eat into his relationships with friends and family.

  There has to be more to life than this, he’d told himself as he considered what to do next. Spending all day on the computer in my office isn’t how I pictured my life. It isn’t how I want to spend my time. I want to find work that brings me joy. A job that taps into my love of working with my hands and my body, as well as my brain.

  He’d tired of the city years ago. So when he’d searched for a new home, he’d looked at rural communities not too far from his parents. He’d seen Nice County, located near the Chesapeake and Ohio Canal. As a kid, his parents had taken him biking along the path that followed the canal.

  And then it had all become clear to him: He needed to move to Nice County and open up a bike repair shop. He could service all the cyclists who came for the path along the C & O Canal, as well as others who enjoyed flying up and down hilly country roads. Owning his own business would satisfy his need to work with his hands as well as his brain. The solitude would give him a chance to think and move past his bitterness.

  Eventually, he’d look for a woman to share his life. But not anytime soon. Not until the pain of his lover’s betrayal had faded.

  Which raised a very important question: If he’d wanted to give himself time to recover, what was he doing here in Sarah’s bathroom? Did he really think they had a chance at a future together?

  He gave her cut one last swipe, and then threw out the disinfectant wipe. “All done.”

  She didn’t say anything for a minute, clearly still waiting for him to respond to her question. He didn’t. Couldn’t.

  “Chris?” she finally asked. “Is there a problem?”

  He shoved a hand through his hair. “No. I just don’t like talking about my time in Rockville.”

  “What happened?” Her voice was quiet. Patient. But she clearly wasn’t letting go of the topic as he’d hoped she would, which was no surprise. Sarah was nothing if not persistent.

  Fine. He’d tell her what happened. He’d do it quickly and emotionlessly, and that would be the end of the discussion.

  “I didn’t repair bikes there. I worked at an engineering firm. I left because the woman I lived with chose my best friend over me. I wanted to start over, so I changed everything. My job. My town. My friends. Everything but my family.”

  She laid a gentle hand on his chest. “Chris—”

  “That’s the whole story. Nothing more to say.”

  Her mouth closed, and she stared at him with sharp, assessing eyes.

  “Let’s go back to bed.” He held out his hand to her.

  She took it without another word and allowed him to lead her back to the bed and under the fluffy down comforter. He arranged himself behind her, tucking her small body into the crook of his. One of her chilly toes touched his shin. He winced, but made sure both her feet rested against his legs so they’d warm up more quickly.

  Even after ten minutes of silence, she didn’t relax into his embrace, and he didn’t know why. At least, not until she began to talk. Not about his time in Rockville, since she obviously understood that he didn’t want to discuss that anymore, but about her own history of romantic failure.

  “You asked me yesterday why I thought my options were limited when it came to long-term relationships.” Her voice was quiet, and the open vulnerability in it made his chest ache. “Even if I met more possibilities at the library or school, the truth is that I’m too much for most men, Chris. Even the ones who initially say I’m funny or charming. . . I wear them out. Usually pretty quickly. So I want someone with a high tolerance for drama and passion. Someone who doesn’t want it easy. Someone who won’t get tired of the sound of my voice within a couple of weeks.”

  He went still, understanding for the first time the depth of Sarah’s insecurity. Understanding for the first time why she was pursuing a man she didn’t really seem to
want.

  For most of his adult life, he’d have given anything for a woman with her sort of passion, playfulness, and brutal honesty. And she was telling him various exes had tossed her aside in a matter of days? No wonder she’d decided to pursue safety over passion and a man she merely liked over a man she truly desired.

  With a sigh, she wiggled closer to him. “That’s what I want. I thought you should know.”

  He didn’t respond, feigning sleep. Before long, her exhaustion caught up with her, and he could hear her breathing turn deep and even, punctuated by occasional little snuffles.

  He lay still, his eyes wide open and his thoughts clear for the first time in two days.

  Sarah had just explained to him in plain terms why she wanted another man. Why she was choosing her goddamn gym teacher over Chris. And she’d done it while cuddled close in Chris’s arms, in the bed where they’d made love. Which seemed unusually cruel for Sarah, but maybe she’d thought she could soften the blow by at least spending the night with him.

  He had to give her credit for her honesty. Clearly, she hadn’t wanted to lead him on or make him believe they could have a future together, despite what had just happened between them. But the pain of her rejection sliced through him, destroying the fragile hope that had grown over the course of the past two days.

  What the fuck is wrong with me? he asked himself. Did I really let myself fall for another woman who wants another man? Didn’t I learn my lesson the first time?

  He stared at the top of Sarah’s head in the dark. He’d planned to stay away from dating and relationships until his bitterness over Brianna and Kellen had faded. So how had he managed to wind up in another woman’s bed so quickly? Was Sarah just so irresistible? Was he just so weak?

  Both, probably. Sarah resembled no other woman he’d ever dated. Dramatic, feisty, loud, and determined, she wouldn’t ever lead a calm, quiet life with a man. No, a life with her would ring with laughter, bickering, and general upheaval. And that didn’t sound so bad to him, actually. With Sarah nearby, his day had seemed brighter. Richer. More full of... everything. And on top of all that, she was the sexiest woman he’d ever seen. A man would have to be a fool to pass her by.

  Chris was many things, but he wasn’t a fool. Not usually.

  The problem was that a man could be a fool in more than one way. He could be a fool to overlook a woman as vibrant and charming as Sarah. Or he could be a fool to pursue a woman who resembled his ex in at least one way. A big way. A crucial, heartbreaking way.

  Sarah Mayhew was a woman who wanted another man.

  And he refused, absolutely refused, to watch another woman he cared about choose someone else over him. Not if he could avoid putting himself in that situation. In this case, he could. It was simple. He could just respond to Sarah’s cue and walk away. Now.

  Her rejection shouldn’t surprise him, really. Neither one of them had made promises. She’d told him from the beginning that she was pursuing someone else. For God’s sake, it was the reason they’d met in the first place. In turn, he’d told her at their first meeting that he had no interest in dating, much less anything more serious.

  Sex with her had been a mistake. But it didn’t need to become an irretrievable one. He needed to get out before the morning came. Before his heart became even more entangled with the woman in his arms. Before she turned once and for all to Ulysses. He wasn’t what she wanted, and she couldn’t give him what he wanted. It was clear. Straightforward. Obvious.

  He took a last minute to feel her warmth in his arms and inhale the smell of her berry-scented shampoo. To look at her tangled blond hair and the small hand curled loosely on the sheet in front of her. To remember the sparkle in her eyes and the quick wit he had found both amusing and frustrating. To think about what could have been.

  And then he got up out of bed, gathered his belongings, and left her house while he could still make himself go.

  9

  He left. You told him what you wanted from a man, and he knew he couldn’t give it to you. So he left. Without a single word or kiss good-bye.

  Sarah knew it before she even opened her eyes. Chris’s large, warm frame no longer cradled her from behind. She couldn’t hear a single sound in the house. More than that, though, the air itself felt different. Whenever the two of them shared a room, the atmosphere somehow grew charged and heavy.

  Just more of your dramatics, she told herself, blinking back tears. That doesn’t really happen.

  It felt like it, though, every time she was near Chris. It really did.

  She reluctantly rolled out of the bed, which still smelled like him. Like them. As she did, she noticed a pile of money and a slip of paper on her dresser. He’d given back the five hundred dollars she’d paid him last night. And left her a note, apparently. One featuring his usual level of chattiness:

  Good luck with Ulysses. Wear your helmet.—C

  Her heart cracked a little at the impersonality of the words. At the brusque dismissal of their two days together, their lovemaking, and . . . her. He’d dismissed her.

  Late last night, she’d formulated plans for today. After some truly stellar morning sex, he’d have to grab breakfast on the run before heading to work. Then—since her shift at the library didn’t begin until two o’clock that afternoon—she’d make up some excuse to stop by his shop and keep him company for a good chunk of the day. She’d been considering hitting her bike frame with something heavy. When she saw Chris, she’d claim the damage had happened during her fall. Then she’d ask him to repair her bike, they’d talk, they’d go get lunch together, and . . .

  She shook her head, impatient with herself. It didn’t matter now. It wasn’t going to happen. Any of it. He clearly didn’t want her. In fact, he was essentially tossing her to another man hours after having had sex with her. She shouldn’t be surprised, either. His reluctance to share any of his own past last night should have warned her that he only wanted sex.

  If you want to ride, you have to take the chance you might fall. And God help her, she’d fallen three separate times. Off her bike, into bed, and for her riding teacher.

  Absently, she rubbed a bruise on her arm. Without that fall from her bike, he’d never have come to her apartment. Never have stripped off her clothes. Never have pressed her down into the bed and made her come like she’d—

  Shit. Now she was depressed and horny.

  What to do now? She squinted at the clock. A few minutes after six. Eight hours until her library shift began. Nothing in particular to do. No one to do it with.

  Keep it together, Mayhew. This isn’t the first time you’ve been dumped. It usually takes a little longer, but still. Situation: Normal. So do what you normally do.

  In the absolute silence of her house, she managed to get dressed in a T-shirt and yoga pants. She went out to get a bagel, hoping some carbtastic goodness would make her feel better. She drove back home calmly. She ate her bagel.

  Then she crawled back into bed and pulled the covers over her head. Only then, absolutely certain not a single living soul could see her, did she allow herself to break down in helpless, heartbroken sobs.

  * * *

  Chris spent another quiet day at his shop. A few minor bike repairs for tourists who’d visited over the Fourth of July holiday. A couple of confused locals who wandered in, hoping he sold cycling equipment. A long, viciously hard ride during his lunch break.

  Too hard, actually. He sweated too much; pushed himself too far. And for the first time since he’d started riding as a kid, he’d had to ditch his bike by the side of the road so he could double over and vomit. His legs cramping, he crawled over to a tree-shaded spot at the edge of a cornfield and drank a gallon of the sports drink he’d brought. It took a good fifteen minutes before he could get back on his bike.

  But he made it back to his shop in time for a quick, cool shower before reopening promptly at one o’clock. Then he had nothing left to do but listen to his own thoughts.

  They a
ll centered on one woman. The one he’d left just hours ago in the hushed darkness of her home. The only one he’d let beneath his guard in months.

  Sarah.

  After their lovemaking, he’d felt so certain they could have a future together. Certain that he could move past his lingering bitterness from the breakup with Brianna, and certain that Sarah would abandon her pursuit of Ulysses. Because the sort of emotional connection Chris had with Sarah, the sort of electricity they generated when they were within shouting distance of one another—it wasn’t typical. Wasn’t something to be dismissed lightly.

  She’d dismissed it just the same. Not lightly. No, she’d sounded tentative and oh-so-serious when she’d explained to him why she wanted Ulysses. But he couldn’t mistake her meaning or ignore the hint. She’d wanted him gone, sooner rather than later. So he’d walked away.

  And now he couldn’t seem to get rid of a hollow ache in his chest, no matter what he did.

  When his cell rang shortly before closing time, he almost didn’t answer it. At the best of times, he hated to chat on the phone, and now was certainly not the best of times. When Helen’s name appeared on the screen, though, he reconsidered.

  He needed a distraction. Maybe she could provide it. Even if the thought of Helen conjured up images of that evening at Minnie’s Mini-Golf, Sarah’s hand in his, their kiss in the parking lot . . .

  Fuck.

  After three rings, he answered the call. “What’s up, Helen?”

  “What the hell, Chris?” Helen’s angry voice nearly deafened him.

  Jerking the phone away from his ear, he turned on the speaker. “Jesus, Hel! You nearly burst my eardr—”

  She barreled on, completely ignoring his complaint. “I sent Sarah to you because I thought you were a good guy. A bitter one, sure. But I thought you deserved a little self-pity party after getting the shit kicked out of you in Rockville. And behind that cranky wall of taciturn manhood you’ve got going on, I thought there was a nice guy. One who needed a woman like Sarah in his life, and who would appreciate having her there.”