“What choice do you have? You can’t stay here with these bikers and expect they’re going to treat you any differently than the Lords would’ve.”
“They already have.”
“Because I’m here. Because they need me for leverage. As soon as they kill me—or send me back home, when Dad pays the money—they’ll have no real use for you.”
For a lone second, my faith in Defiance faltered, and Charlie saw it. Used it, enough to push the small crack of nag into more of a gaping hole. “You’re too trusting.”
“I trusted you and look where it got me,” I spat back, my mind reeling as I wondered how I could’ve let Defiance—and Mathias—get to me so easily. No one was that good, not without an ulterior motive. When had I forgotten that? I’d been born into that.
“I’m sorry. The Lords fucked it up, Jessa. I’d never meant to hurt you. You’ve got to believe me.”
A part of me wanted to, for no other reason than his betrayal had been so stunningly deep and painful, and I couldn’t wrap my mind around how or why he’d do that to someone he’d pledged to love, honor and spend the rest of his life with. The smarter part knew exactly why he’d done so, but I wouldn’t bring it up, because Mathias and Caspar and Bishop were listening, and whatever they’d heard was already humiliating and damming enough.
“Jessa, please, we can work this out together. Just tell them you want to stay with me. We’ll call Dad and your parents,” Charlie said calmly, that firm command returning to his voice.
“I can’t,” I told him, and that was the God’s honest truth. There were so many things that could apply to, and at the moment, I meant all of them—I couldn’t stay with Charlie, couldn’t let Defiance call home.
I couldn’t believe what Charlie said about Defiance, about me being disposable, but a small part of me did. And when I walked out and shut the door behind me, I wanted to just walk past the guys waiting for me, wanted to crawl into bed by myself and not deal with any of this.
Of course, Mathias wasn’t going to let that happen. He stood in front of me, put his hands on my shoulders to hold me in place in that gentle but unbreakable grip he had. “Mathias, please...I just want to...”
You believe him. Bishop’s words behind me and even though Mathias hadn’t signed, I knew they were coming from him.
Mathias’s expression was calm, but maybe that was all an act. I’d seen what he was capable of when he was angry, and I’d lied to him. “What if I do?”
Mathias considered that for a long moment and took his hands off my shoulders. My skin was hot where he touched me, like he’d branded me somehow, and as I watched, he stared down at the fleur-de-lis tattoo on his arm, rubbed it with the tips of two fingers before mouthing, Then you’d be wrong.
“Can you understand why I might think differently?” I asked and he nodded, a controlled, jaw-clenched one and I noted his hands had curled into fists. And the way he looked at me...it wasn’t anything I ever wanted to see pointed in my direction again. I wanted to take back everything I’d said and tell him everything.
Instead, I swallowed hard. Because at least he got my concerns that I was only as valuable as my secrets. And I was prepared to protect myself with the one I had left for as long as I could. “What are you planning to do with Charlie?”
He countered with, What are you planning to do with him?
Nothing, Mathias. Nothing at all, was what I wanted to say, because that was the truth...but my God, I needed to make sure I didn’t drag Mathias in any further than he was. “He’s my husband.”
Mathias gave what amounted to a silent snort and rolled his eyes in disgust. He signed something too, without mouthing it—and without Bishop translating right away—and I couldn’t begin to parse what it meant. I probably wasn’t supposed to, given the fact that Mathias glared when Bishop finally said, He’s a fucking worthless piece of trash, and sounded like he meant it as much as Mathias did.
And then Bishop added, “Fuck, Jessa, remember what he did to you.”
And then it was more of Bishop’s voice, Mathias’s words. Mathias’s anger. You’re smarter than this. Why’s he got you all turned around? I know it’s not because you love him.
“You don’t know anything about me and who I love.”
Mathias tugged me close then, the fierce anger showing through clearly. You’d damn well better believe I know a hell of a lot about you and who you love. Who turns you the fuck on, so much that you come hard enough to pass out? Tell me he’s ever done that to you and I’ll let you go. Tell me he’s ever made you feel halfway like the way you feel when you’re with me.
“You’re crazy,” I told him, rather than admit he was right. He held me tighter against him, his erection pressing against me, and it was on the tip of my tongue to tell him that he was treating me exactly the way the LoV had. But I couldn’t—because it was nothing like that. Because if I lost Mathias, it would kill me.
But what if I was wrong about him, the way I’d been wrong about everything? When I voiced that to him, he told me, You haven’t been wrong about everything. Not about me. And not about what brought you here in the first place.
He didn’t press further; instead, let go of me. It was my turn to reach out for him, to pull him close, to comfort myself by pressing my cheek against his chest. He responded by picking me up and I closed my eyes and let him carry me, pretended to be helpless, because he allowed me to be vulnerable without fear.
I didn’t open my eyes until he put me down. I don’t know where I expected to be, but it certainly wasn’t in front of Caspar and Tru in the clubhouse. I didn’t know if I was being put in front of a firing squad, if Mathias had no choice but to bring me here, but it didn’t matter.
Caspar looked serious—and scary. Tru was sitting next to him quietly, deep in thought. I shifted in place as they sat watching me.
“Charlie said he’s got sources in here,” Caspar started, his gaze locked on me, and I got it then. They thought maybe I was his source, somehow, and we’d been putting on some kind of act in the warehouse. But to what end?
“It’s not me,” I said firmly.
Mathias signed and Caspar nodded. “He says you’ve been with him most of the time.”
“And then there are the guards you’ve posted when he’s not,” I pointed out and Caspar stared at me and said, “Figured you needed protection, no?”
“Do you believe what Charlie says about his sources?” Tru asked me.
“He’s always had connections everywhere. I’m not sure how he’d make one here unless someone’s in with the LoV.”
At my words, Caspar slammed his fists down on the table, hard enough to shake it and me. I froze, and Tru came over to my side, put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. It was then I saw that Caspar wasn’t angry at me, but rather at the idea that a member of Defiance was betraying his MC. I just didn’t know how or why he wouldn’t expect that, but I didn’t dare give voice to that question.
Mathias stood behind me, but he didn’t make a move to comfort me. I thought about all the lies swirling around me—all of them mine—and I didn’t see any good way out of this.
Chapter Sixteen
You spin me
Mathias
Jessa followed Tru out of the clubhouse, looking back over her shoulder at me before she exited. Her look begged me to understand why she’d hidden the fact that Charlie was her husband—her fucking husband, for Christ’s sake—but it didn’t do anything to stop my feelings. It just made me want to wrap my hands around Charlie’s neck for the way he’d treated his wife.
“You all right?” Bish asked quietly.
I didn’t think so. But I played like I was just goddamned fine, because Caspar had called the voting members into the room for an early church, which was code for their meetings. Like confession, what went on inside this room stayed in thi
s room.
When the men were seated, Caspar briefly filled them all in and for a long while, no one said a word. The tension thickened with every passing second and finally Rebel said, “What if someone’s in bed with Keller? That’s way fucking worse than the LoV.”
“Doesn’t make sense why Keller’s hanging with the LoV to begin with,” Hammer said, and he was right, because the LoV had nothing much to offer Keller except women—and violence. It wasn’t enough to keep them indispensable to Keller’s mafia. They knew Keller would drop them in a second if Defiance suddenly agreed to split profits.
“None of this shit matters. Matters that we’ve got a traitor here with us, and I figured we were done with that shit.” Caspar’s voice was a knife through the bullshit and all eyes turned to him. “Anyone hear any rumblings? Doesn’t matter how small the complaints.”
“Old gen is still pretty pissed,” Rebel pointed out.
“’Course you’d blame the originals,” grumbled one of said originals, nicknamed Goose.
“Got somethin’ to say, old man?” Rebel’s voice was dangerously low and his eyes glittered in a way I’d never seen before. He’d been pretty even-tempered, but the not-so-silent war between the old and new generations of Defiance was wearing on everyone.
Bish glanced at me. I knew what he was thinking—do we really want to be part of this shit?
But hell, we’d created some of it. And if we wanted to help Jessa, we had to figure out the best way to do so.
“She’s married to the guy and she didn’t tell anyone. That’s pretty fucking convenient, right?” Goose snapped.
“He’s got a point,” Rebel said. “She had to know that’d make a difference.”
“Or else she’s scared,” Hammer said slowly. “Anyone else starting to notice how fucking scared these women are? Forget Jessa. I’m talking about a lot of women within Defiance. They’re worried about what’s happening out there. Worried that the violence of this club’s going to be taken out on them.”
“It was always that way, Hammer,” Caspar said quietly.
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Hammer told him. “It was never fucking like this.”
Bish was next to me, leaning against the wall. He banged his fist lightly against it, and the entire room filled with tension, the way it had since Aimee was attacked. We didn’t have a place at the table, which meant no vote, and the only reason we were here was because of what we’d done for Jessa.
Hammer met Bish’s eyes. “You and Mathias came to town and you helped us. And now, we don’t know what your plans are.”
“That’s fair,” Bish conceded. “But we don’t know our plans either. After what Tru and Aimee went through, there’s no way we could’ve let Jessa get sold. Didn’t matter who she was. Only matters that we stick to our code.”
I watched Rebel stare Bish down while he spoke, or try to. Bish turned his gaze to Rebel, because he’d felt it too, and I had to admit it was close, but Reb looked away first. I think, if she was working with Charlie, she wouldn’t be fucking me.
Caspar seemed to agree and Bish translated for the rest of the group.
Rebel said, “We’re trusting a woman who’s grown up in politics?”
We’re trusting my gut.
“Tru’s too,” Caspar pointed out.
I glanced at Bish. We both knew Jessa was holding back something else. This shit could blow up in our faces.
So complicated
Jessa
“I guess I can understand why you didn’t say anything about being married to Charlie,” Tru started.
I’d realized there wasn’t a hell of a lot of difference between the MC and politics in general. “I didn’t want it to be true,” I told her. “God, I couldn’t believe how stupid I’d been, what he’d done to me. I wanted my past erased, and the best way to do that was to pretend it didn’t exist.”
“The past always comes up to bite you, Jessa. I learned that the hard way.” Tru smiled ruefully as we walked the footpaths toward the guesthouse.
“Hey!”
Tru turned to find Aimee coming up behind us. I braced, like she was going to question me too, and then I remembered that no one would be talking about it until after the men left the clubhouse. So I relaxed slightly, more so when Aimee said, “I think I actually got sunburned today.”
“Me too,” I said, and we started walking again. For the first time, I really took notice of Defiance’s setup. Normally, I was too distracted by Mathias to do so, but this was as organized as the place I’d been kept, maybe more so. The air of military was strong here, and I asked Tru and Aimee about it, because I knew both of them had grown up here.
“You know MCs originated because of military men,” Aimee said, and no, I hadn’t.
“And then a lot of them began to take in the shitbags who had no discipline,” Tru added. “Not to say military men can’t be dicks but there’s a certain bearing. A lot of responsibility comes with brotherhood. Defiance stays true to that tradition.”
“How long have you had the bunkers here?” I asked, and both women looked at me oddly. “Oh, come on, I lived underground for three years. I know you all didn’t disappear to a cabin in the storm. Besides, Mathias and Bishop told me a little.”
Tru relaxed a little then. “It’s more like a system of tubes.”
“Right. I heard the LoV talking about them as well,” I told them.
“I’m sure they’re not happy we don’t sell them any,” Aimee said.
“Definitely not happy,” I agreed.
“Caspar’s grandfather invented the system during his Navy days, took the shape from the subs he was on during his tours,” Tru explained.
That made so much sense. “This had to take years.”
“They made the best of their PTSD way before it was a thing. They were paranoid bastards and this was less about weather and more about attacks and war, but it worked out well for our generation.” Tru wrapped her arms around her body, like she was giving herself a hug, or maybe protecting herself. “I’m still a little claustrophobic, because of what happened during the Chaos.”
“I found it hard to stay underground too,” I admitted. “I used to spend a lot of time sleeping, because it was obviously the only time I could forget where I was. Everything seemed so...small. And dark. No matter how well they lit the bunkers, it always felt dark.”
“I’d rather be outside in the dark any day of the week,” Tru agreed. “But the system saved Defiance.”
“So Caspar’s family has been in charge of Defiance from the start then?” I asked.
“It’s complicated,” Tru said, and I noticed that Aimee had gone uncomfortably quiet. We’d gotten to the guesthouse, and under the outside light, I noticed that she looked pale.
“Aimee, are you okay?” I asked.
“I’ve got to get to the clinic,” she said absently, and she turned and left with a slight wave.
“Did I say something wrong?” I asked.
Tru shook her head. “She’s going through some things. That’s what happens. She’s good and then she remembers.”
“What happened to her?”
“The men who used to be in charge of this club hurt her.” Tru’s voice shook. The anger flushed her face and she took a breath before continuing. “She’s going to be okay. She’s studying with the doctors. She’s got someone in her life who loves her. And all of Defiance is behind her.”
“But she’s never going to be the same.” At the sound of another woman’s voice, Tru jerked her head toward the dark-haired, tattoo-sleeved woman who had walked up silently. I thought about leaving, but things happened so fast I didn’t dare move.
“Those are the first words you say to me after four months?” Tru was on her feet and in the woman’s face quickly.
The woman put her hands on her hips and said quietly, “I prefer not to live in never-never land, where you’ve decided the MC is going to be perfect since you’re back.”
“Bullshit, Luna. You know we’re the ones who can force change. I’m willing to do whatever it takes. And you took advantage of it, unless the men let you work on the bikes in secret before Lance died.”
“Just because we can work alongside the men doesn’t ease what Aimee went through. She’s not a human sacrifice, Tru. But she did lose everything. And she’s putting up a great front, but I’ll bet you anything that she’s dying inside. No one’s that strong.”
“So why are you avoiding her then?” Tru demanded.
“Because I don’t know how to make things better. I don’t think they can be. And it kills me, because I never ran. I stayed and now I wish I hadn’t.”
“Does Rebel feel the same way?” Tru asked.
“I don’t talk to him about this.”
“Right. You don’t talk to anyone. Please, come visit Aimee with me. She misses you. You’re like two hundred feet from her and it’s as if you’re on a different planet,” Tru said.
“I’m not ready.” With those words, Luna turned and left. Tru took a couple of steps to go after her, then stopped and hung her head as a small sob escaped her throat.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I put a hand on Tru’s shoulder and was surprised when Tru turned into me and hugged me. I stroked her hair like my mom used to do when I was little, back when I thought she could make everything better.
Knowing no one actually could was probably one of the worst parts of growing up.
Finally, Tru pulled back. “Thanks, Jessa. Do you think you can get to the bottom of this?”
“Of what?”
Tru gave a small smile. “Bishop might be stealthy, but when a guy loves a girl, they tend to lose all common sense.”
Chapter Seventeen
You should know that I’m not afraid
Jessa
After Tru left, I paced for a while and tried to explain about Charlie to Mathias a million times and ways in my head.
Redemption: A Defiance Novel Page 12
