“What he’d done was rescue me, and now Defiance is going to punish him for it?”
“That’s not it, Jessa. But there’s a price for everything. Mathias knew there would be consequences and he told Caspar when he first brought you here that he’d suffer any of them if Cas would let you stay in Defiance.”
“And he did,” I said hollowly. “How could he...”
“For you.”
I sobbed. Tru didn’t try to stop me, but rather, it was her turn to hug me hard and I cried until I felt like I’d used up all my tears. I cried until my anger superseded anything else, until I was ready to do whatever it took to get Mathias back here.
Except there was no way to do that. Tru told me, in no uncertain terms, that Mathias made them promise I wouldn’t do anything foolish. “Where’s Bishop?”
Tru jerked her head and I whirled around. Bishop had come in at some point, silent as a ghost. “You knew!” I yelled at Bishop. “You knew he’d do this.”
Bishop nodded. “So did you.”
I stopped in my tracks. Mathias had told me everything, left me clues, a trail of breadcrumbs to follow the path he’d planned on taking. And I’d ignored the signs. “I thought...he was opening up to me.”
“He was, Jessa. Don’t turn that into something ugly.”
I hugged my arms around myself but couldn’t stop shaking. Not even when Tru wrapped me in a blanket and Aimee came by with some medicine to help me calm down. I didn’t fight it and then I was floating away from reality, which was fine by me. If I couldn’t have Mathias, I didn’t want to come back down to earth.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Sledgehammer
Mathias
In between fights, all I did was play music, as loud as I could. Alone in the small room on Keller’s compound, I wrote letters out of song lyrics to Jessa, letters I’d never send. Maybe because it would hurt her too much, or hurt me too much.
Either way, she knew I was thinking about her. I imagined her sitting in the guesthouse, listening to the music I’d left her, and in that way, we were still connected.
She’d be there for me if I went back. I was fighting for my life here, the way I always had, but there was no guarantee of survival this time.
Then again, there never had been.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Hangman is comin’ down from the gallows
Bishop
Several days later, after making sure Jessa was as all right as she could be, I rode my bike into Keller’s compound, my pack tied to the back. I’d come here on a one-way trip and I wasn’t leaving.
Now, I had to convince Keller of that, and before Mathias got wind of me being here. I caught the guy at the front gate, held a gun to his head until Keller’s bullshit head of security came out.
“Tell Keller I just want to talk to him. And I want Keller to be the only one you tell, or your brother dies.”
Threatening someone’s family was the cruelest and best way to get what I wanted. And it worked, because five minutes later, Keller was there, right inside the gates of his own compound. I released the man I’d been holding and Keller said, “I’m trying to decide if you’re brave or just fucking stupid.”
“Go with your first thought,” I told Keller. “I’m here for one reason only. I’m here to take Mathias’s place.”
“I didn’t ask for you.”
“Sometimes you have to lead a horse to water.”
Keller stared at me. “Trying to talk me out of keeping your friend?”
There was no point in beating around the bush. “Yes.”
“You wasted your time coming here. He’s like having our very own fighting circus freak. He doesn’t make a sound. You know what it’s like to watch someone get pummeled and stay silent?” Keller asked and yeah, I knew.
“Mathias is good. We just have different ways.”
“Yeah? And what’s your way?”
“You’ll have to hire me to find out.”
Keller stared at me. “I know about you, Bishop. Your reputation’s grown over the past years. But you’re still not telling me why I should take you instead of your mute friend.”
My style was to leave enough people alive behind, the theory being that witnesses could spread rumors. Apparently, it was working. “Because I’m the better choice.”
Keller was losing patience. “Yeah? Why’s that? Because I can actually hear the words coming out of your mouth?”
“I’ll do more than fight in the ring for you.”
Keller’s brows raised. “You’ll collect for me?”
“I’ll kill for you,” I told him bluntly. “It’s a job most people don’t want.”
“I’m not allowed to use Defiance members for my personal army.”
“Then lucky I’m not a Defiance member.”
He stared at me as I held my breath, ready to kill the man if he said no. Hell, I should kill Keller anyway, but that would fuck things up for Defiance even more.
Finally, Keller said, “Aren’t you worried you won’t sleep at night?”
“It’s always night. And I’ve never slept a full night through in my entire life.”
“You’re not lying.”
“Mathias always says that the truth will set you free.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
I’m still alive
Mathias
I won the fourth fight at Keller’s, the way I’d won the three before it. I knew I’d won, because the ref held my arm up and declared me the winner, but that’s all I remember. But something happened, because I woke up, barely dressed, lying on the ground at Defiance’s gates. A simple note had been pressed into my fisted hand.
Your debt’s been taken over.
As soon as I read it, I knew exactly what Bish had done. I screamed silently, over and over again, until my throat was sore from the cold air and I passed out in the dirt.
I don’t know who found me, but when I woke again, I was in the infirmary, those icy blue eyes and scarred cheek the first thing I was able to focus on. “They fucking drugged me. Bastards wouldn’t give me a chance to say no to Bish taking over.”
“Yeah. Saw the note,” he rasped.
Fucker. Get him out of there.
“You and Bish’d be doing that shit forever.” Caspar stared at me. “He did it for you and Jessa.”
I knew that. I’d have given anything to stay with her, but with Bish gone, it still felt like half my soul had been removed. My head throbbed, my bones ached and I swore that if it was anyone but Caspar in front of me, I would’ve been up, pushing him aside.
“He’s alive, Mathias. Anyone can get through this, he can. He’d want you to have faith in him.”
I did. But without the balance...
I’d never been on my own either, and the irony that I’d accused Jessa of needing time by herself wasn’t lost on me. My insides twisted.
“Jessa doesn’t know you’re here,” Caspar continued. “Figured you might not want to stick around.”
I stared into those eyes, wanting to ask him what he’d do. But it didn’t matter, because this was my decision and no one else’s. Speculation wouldn’t help. Bish wouldn’t forgive me if I screwed this up. I’d have done the same damned thing for him and I’d never have expected him to be my white knight. I’ll go see Jessa.
“So you’re stayin’?”
Yes, but I’m not joining until Bish comes back. Whenever that is.
With that, Caspar handed me a letter. I opened it and found an IOU for Bish. A year of service, signed over to Keller, with Caspar’s approval. A full year and all the debt would be released.
There was no way Bish’d be able to pay that back fighting in the ring. I know what he did.
“So do I. We’ll all be here for h
im when he gets back.”
Jessa rushed in then. Caspar must’ve gotten word to her by, like, fucking secret smoke signals or something before I could even get out of the damned bed. She flattened me on my back against the cot. She was breathing hard from running across the compound, and her cheeks were flushed. It’d been a week since I’d seen her, and I hadn’t let myself deal with how much I’d missed her. I wound my arms around her tightly and she did the same, her body covering mine. She didn’t ask questions and how she’d figured out what had happened was the biggest one of all, because I was one hundred percent sure Bish hadn’t shared his plan to set me free.
So it went from What would Bish do? to What would Bish want me to do? And I knew without a doubt Bish would want me to kiss her. And I damned well wanted the same thing.
We were behind a curtain—a flimsy curtain—but I didn’t care about that or the fact that my body ached or my heart was torn in two and full of love at the same time. How could loss and gain happen in such a giant way?
“You’re hurt.”
I’m fine.
“I’m not. I’m not fine when you’re hurt, Mathias. You need to understand that.”
I didn’t know how to answer that. I didn’t want to hurt her, so I got it. But I was torn between staying here with her—for her—and going to grab Bish and shake some goddamned sense into him.
But he’d done it for me, for me and Jessa, and not letting him give me that would be the worst thing I could do to him. Bish didn’t give gifts lightly.
One on one
Jessa
Mathias held me and I lay against his bare chest, never wanting to let him go. The infirmary was quiet and I didn’t care who’d hear us—me—because this was natural. Expected as well.
He bore a lot of bruises on his body and I traced them with my fingers and tongue, could tell when he moved under my touches. I knew then that I understood him. That it didn’t matter if I wasn’t fluent in signing yet.
“I kept studying,” I told him finally, signing along with my words. Slowly. But he was patient, even though he was trying hard to hold back his grin.
Yeah?
“Yeah.”
What else did you learn?
I paused and then I signed, I love you. Because for me, it meant more that way than simply saying it.
His eyes said it all. He nodded, took my hand in his and mouthed, I love you, Jessa.
I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat. “You’d better.”
He grinned again and then sobered. No doubt thinking about Bishop, because really, we were a team together, and it felt like he should be here for this. Although I had no doubt Bishop already knew how Mathias and I felt about each other. “Bishop will come back.”
I know.
“I’m worried too. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. You’ve given up everything for me. And I’ve done nothing for you.”
You’ve done everything for me. You didn’t just bring me back to life—you brought me to life. Calmed me down and revved me up, all at the same time. The best love is one that balances you out, makes you feel complete. Doesn’t try to change you. Bish doesn’t try to change me, but when I’m with him, I’m a better person. When I’m with you, I’m a better man. You make me want to be the best man I can. I want to take you in my arms, keep you safe and protected.
“I want to do the same for you.”
His smile was lazy and dangerous, almost a dare to go ahead and protect him. But I didn’t run from anything anymore, especially not Mathias. “I’ll protect you from everything but me,” I promised, and that was a promise I intended to keep.
I slid my hand down his bare belly, into his shorts, and palmed his cock. He’d already been hard, and as I stroked, his jaw dropped and his hips jutted off the bed.
I’d seen the bruises on his body, but I knew he’d let me run roughshod over him. Still stroking his cock, I began to kiss and lick and bite my way down his body, paying special attention to the snake tattoo and the fleur-de-lis.
I was moaning along his skin and he let me map my way down his body, until I moved my hand to push his shorts down. And that’s when he flipped me and pulled my pants down. Sucked the tattoo he’d given me on my hip and left a bite mark next to it, marking me again. I moaned, that oh-so-sweet pleasure/pain line back again.
His mouth teased my sex, his tongue moving over me fast and hard, and I closed my eyes and told him, “Missed you, Mathias. Touched myself thinking about you. Missed all of this.”
And then I came, calling out Mathias’s name. I wasn’t completely done with the orgasm when his breath huffed against my cheek, his cock throbbing between my legs. He slid inside of me and I called his name out loud again. He grabbed my wrists, pinning them above my head with one of his hands, forced my legs back and spread so I was completely helpless against his thrusts.
“If you took down the curtain, you could earn your eight-ball patch,” I managed.
Plenty of time for that.
“Good,” I told him fiercely. “Good.”
He came then, his body jackknifing, but I swear, he was still hard. He never stopped thrusting, although the rhythm turned lazy, but no less intense. Especially not when he came again a few minutes later, his mouth open in a silent howl.
I’ve said it all
Mathias
She submitted to my hold easily, her hips keeping to my rhythm, because even after I came I couldn’t stop fucking moving. Her hair splayed over the pillows and her lips were swollen from where she’d been biting them. It hadn’t stopped her from crying out, though.
Beautiful. Fucking beautiful, and she was mine. One hundred percent. No one was taking her from me. And I planned on tattooing her again, marking her with my ink, mouth, teeth, cock...
Sinking into her pussy—hot, wet, demanding—was all about coming home. Coming home and staying there. Forever. Because there was no turning back from Jessa. There never was. For the first time, I was so fucking grateful for whatever fate had thrown in my path to get me to this place.
If I hadn’t been cursed, I couldn’t’ve been blessed. And I sure as hell had been blessed.
Beautiful
Jessa
Afterward, I lay in his arms, holding him like I needed to make up for the lost time.
“I made you something.”
He looked at me warily and signed as he mouthed, Not like a sweater or anything, right?
I nudged him playfully. “I don’t even knit.”
I don’t think you’d let something like that stop you.
“You know I’d been practicing signs. The basics. But I didn’t stop and Bishop drew me up more cheat sheets last week. I should’ve realized then what he’d planned.”
That’s what you made me? Cheat sheets?
“No. I’ve got this.” She reached into her pocket and she pulled out a piece of paper. “I didn’t have a lot of the songs, and I didn’t have any tapes... God, this is the worst gift ever, right?”
He took the paper from me. I’d written down all the songs I’d want to put on a tape for him—and some of the lyrics too—and that was my love letter to him.
It’s perfect, he mouthed.
“But there’s no music.”
He put my hand over his head and said, Yeah, there is, Jessa.
Chapter Thirty-Five
All that you need is in your soul
Mathias
It took a solid week before Jessa let me out of her sight for more than ten seconds. I couldn’t blame her, so I waited until she felt comfortable enough to actually go hang out with Tru and Aimee for a while before I headed to see Caspar.
I didn’t know how long Caspar planned on keeping Charlie here, but there were reports that the Secret Service was looking for him. Keller’s crew had
n’t said a word about us having him and neither had the LoV...mainly because they had no fucking idea he was alive. And no one would.
But, true to his word, Keller didn’t implicate us with Jessa, and neither did the LoV. Still, I didn’t trust the LoV enough. Not for very long, anyway, and the thought of Jessa being forced back with her family didn’t sit well with me.
I didn’t tell Caspar what I was doing...not until I had the plan firm in my mind. And only then did I tell him, I’m ready to become Defiance.
“Why now?”
A lot of reasons. Some you know. Some you never will.
Caspar studied me. “Jessa.”
She’s part of it. She deserves our protection. And she wants it.
“And you want it too?”
I do. I want to wait for Bish, but he wouldn’t want that—I know he’d want me to join now. I can’t let his sacrifice go in vain.
Caspar clapped me on the shoulder. “Just be prepared for some pain, brother.”
Goes without saying.
And I scream from the top of my lungs
Jessa
“Jessa, hey, listen. Caspar wants me to take you to see Charlie again.”
The biker in front of me was Lil’jon. After Mathias had left, he’d talked to me for a while, telling me how brave Mathias was when he and Bishop first came to Defiance, how they really brought the club together. How I had a really good man in my corner.
Now, two days after Mathias had returned, Lil’jon seemed happy for me, but Tru and Aimee had gone quiet. They’d been sitting with me outside the infirmary, and now Tru said, “I’ll go with you, if you want.”
“It’s better I do this alone,” I said. Now that Mathias was back, I felt as if I could do anything. Anything except worry him more.
I walked along the darkened path with Lil’jon. “Does Mathias know where I’m going?”
“Caspar said he’d tell him, in case you wanted him here. We can wait,” he said, but I shook my head.
“Let’s just get it over with.”
“That bad, huh?”
Redemption: A Defiance Novel Page 21
