“Thanks for that,” he says. He lifts his flask in the air like he’s getting ready to make a toast. I stand to leave. My heels click on the limestone veranda, but Brayden’s words stop me in my tracks. “For the record, I don’t know how to let you in without destroying you, too. I’m doing you a favor, trust me.”
I square my shoulders, tilt my chin up, and walk away from a man I don’t know. That man out there, sitting on that step, isn’t the Brayden I know. That one out there is callous, condescending, and bitter. The man I know is sweet, funny, kind and would never want to hurt me. It’s remembering the old Brayden that keeps me from saying something that I can’t take back. It recalls how the old Brayden would never speak to me the way he just did. It’s reliving how the old Brayden would whisper in my ear, touch me places only he knew would drive me mad, kiss me with such wild abandon, hold me in his arms while we slept. The old Brayden made me feel loved. It’s those memories that keep me from leaving him in his time of need.
At least for now.
“Brayden, I need to speak with you.” Karmen’s voice stops me in my tracks right outside of her office.
As much I want to ignore her, we’re at work and the tightness in her tone tells me this is serious. I spin around and follow her into her office. She stands to the side and shuts the door behind me, leaving only a crack as to not shut us in the same space.
I take a seat in the chair opposite of her desk. My elbows rest on the arms of the chair, my clasped hands lay on my stomach. I stretch my legs out in front of me and cross my ankles.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
She takes her seat. I can’t help but look at her. Dark circles rim her brown eyes that used to hold a spark now look dull. She has her hair pulled back into a tight ponytail, where it used to look sleek and professional, it looks frizzy like she ran a brush through it, pulled it up and left it be. The only thing that really looks the same is her clothes, pressed and free from any wrinkles.
Karmen cradles her head in her hands as she leans forward and rests her elbows on the desk. “I have to let you go.” Her voice is small and full of remorse, but I’m still trying to get over the shock of what she’s just said.
I lean forward, my forearms rest against the hardwood in front of me. “Excuse me?”
She looks up at me through her eyelashes, and I can see the regret and pain in her eyes. “This isn’t easy for me. You’re my boyfriend. I lo…” she sighs and shakes her head. She was going to say I love you but stopped herself. I still haven’t said it back to her and I know it hurts her, but it wouldn’t be fair to say something that’s so powerful and not be able to give her all of me. “For the past month you’ve been coming to work drunk. You go on air drunk. You’re off your game. Hell, I can smell the liquor on your breath now.”
I dismiss her last sentence and go with, “Is this you firing me or Doug?” I sneer.
“Both,” she whispers. “You’ve become a liability to the station, to the brand of this company, to what we represent.”
I lean back in my seat and nod absentmindedly. “So that’s it then, huh? No, having my back? No, fighting for me?”
Karmen’s head snaps up and she actually has the audacity to look taken aback. “I have done nothing but fight for you. But you don’t want anyone to fight for you. Your pride and ego know no bounds.”
“Real mature, Karmen.” My tone is laced with sarcasm, but I couldn’t fucking care less, she’s just fired me. How in the hell am I supposed to react?
She leans back in her chair and shakes her head. “What am I supposed to do? Tell me. Tell me how to fix this.” She waves her hand between us. “Because it’s been a month since your dad has passed and nothing has changed. I don’t even know you anymore.” Her eyes squeeze shut and she blows out a deep breath.
“There’s nothing to fix.” I shrug indifferently. Karmen’s gaze stays trained on my face, and I know she wants to argue about what I’ve just said. I don’t give her the chance. “If that’s all you need from me then I’ll be on my way.” I sit forward in the chair and get up. My hand is on the lever of the door and I’m about to open it when I hear from behind me, “Will you be home tonight?” Defeat rings evident in her tone.
I want so bad to say yes, but then I remember the only way for me not to bring her down with me is to push her away. “I don’t know. I wouldn’t wait up if I were you.”
I flee the room before she has the chance to say anything that will break through my armor and have me groveling at her feet, begging her for her forgiveness. Passing the front desk in the reception area, Tammy won’t meet my eyes and that pisses me off even more. “Let me guess you knew, too?” I ask.
She gives me a barely there nod, her eyes finally meeting mine. “Brayden, you have to know this wasn’t and isn’t easy on Karmen.”
“Yeah?” I ask disbelievingly. “Cause the way she just handled it, it seems like she has a Ph.D. in laying people off.”
Tammy squares her shoulders and tips her chin up at me. “Screw you, Brayden.” She pushes up from her chair, her hands lay flat on her desk to support her weight as she leans forward towards me. “Do you have any idea what kind of hell you’ve been putting her through? Or do you know and just don’t give a fuck? Either way, you’re acting like a jackass. You need to get your head out of your ass before you miss out on that amazing woman back in that office back there.”
I stare back at her for a second before I storm past her, shoving the double doors open. Sunlight streams down on me in hot, burning rays as I make my way to my car in a hurry. My main goal is to go and get as fucking wasted as possible.
Rick glares at me from across the bar top.
“What?” I groan.
With a white towel, he dries a glass, leaning back against the bar adjacent from me. “I never thought I’d see the day that a man who seems so damn indestructible would crumble.”
My hands wrap around the glass tumbler as I stare down into the swirling depths of the amber colored Jameson. “I haven’t crumbled,” I state emphatically.
“You sure?” he asks. When I look at him, one of his eyebrows is raised and a knowing gleam shines in his eyes.
“I’m protecting her,” I say it quietly. It’s only two in the afternoon and besides a couple of other patrons and myself, the bar is relatively empty.
“From what? You? Your past? Your future?”
“All of it,” I answer around the rim of the glass just before I tip the rest of my drink back. I motion to him with my finger to refill the tumbler.
“Look I heard about your old man,” he starts after filling my glass half way. “I also heard that you didn’t shed a fucking tear at his funeral.”
“Nosy fucking people in this town,” I grumble.
“When my dad passed, Lord bless him,” Rick says looking up at the ceiling of the bar, touching first his left shoulder then his right then his forehead then the center of his chest making a cross. “No matter how hard of a bastard he was I still cried, because he was my father and I loved him.”
“Yeah, well no offense, but your dad seemed like a walk in the park instead of the stroll through Hell I had to take with mine.”
“I don’t know what’s going on with you,” he says. “But I do know I haven’t seen you in my bar in a while. The last time you were in here you had that pretty little brunette wrapped around your finger. Now I’m going out on a limb here and I’m going to say she is exactly what you need.”
I nod. “You’re right, you are going out on a limb there.” I raise my glass in a toast. “It’s me who she doesn’t need.”
“And what would make you think that?”
“Because I’m so emotionally fucked I’m not worthy of what she’s willing to give me.” I drain the contents in my glass before slamming it on the bar. “Even if I want it.”
“So you’re at war?”
“With myself?” I smirk at him. “Every fucking day.”
“Look, Brayden…”
&nbs
p; I raise my hand in the air, cutting him off before he can say anymore. “I don’t want to talk. I just want to be numb. I just want you to keep the drinks coming. I won’t cause any trouble and when it’s time to go I’ll call a cab.”
He tilts his head to the side and stares at me for a second.
“Please,” I all but beg.
He sighs. “Fine, but don’t think I won’t cut your ass off if you can’t handle it.”
“Got it.” I laugh. With my newly refilled glass, I raise it in the air and make a toast. “Here’s to forgetting. May I escape my fucked up life for just a little while.”
Gentle waves lap against the rocky shore of the private lake I used to come to when I was younger. I let the melody the birds above chirp wash away my stress. Earlier today, Tammy called and told me if I didn’t meet her here that she was going to kidnap me and bring me against my will. After spending two days holed up in my stuffy apartment, I relented to her threat.
“So he hasn’t been back in two days?” she asks.
I lean back on my hands and tilt my head up towards the sky. The warm sun bathes my face in its loving rays. My swollen eyes from too many hours crying close, hidden behind my Ray Bans. I extend my legs out and let the cool water cover my toes. “No.”
“Do you think it’s because Doug forced you to fire him?” she inquires.
“I have no clue. Brayden’s so untouchable these days.” I shake my head. “It’s like we’re two lovers who turned into strangers that now live together.” I squeeze my eyes to keep the tears burning to break through at bay. My tongue peeks out and licks my chapped lips. “I can’t reach him, Tam. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Tammy’s arm wraps around me and I rest my head on her shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she whispers into my hair.
“You know, I feel like the biggest idiot. I trusted my heart to lead the way, and this whole time my head was right. I knew he’d break me eventually and he has.” A humorless laugh escapes me. “I didn’t know him.”
“Yes you did,” she argues.
I lift my head and shake it no. “Not really. He’d give me fleeting glimpses into his world. I’d see segments of his life and what made him the man he is now. But he never fully trusted me. His past is like shackles binding him, keeping him from being the man I know he can be.”
Tammy gives me a sad smile, and I wipe at the corner of my nose with the back of my hand. She rubs my upper back. “He needs help, Karmen,” she says in a soft voice.
To hear someone else admit what I won’t out loud is like a punch to the gut. I’ve known for a while that Brayden’s needed help, help I blatantly can’t give him. His demons are too dark, too powerful for him to break free on his own. I barely had him when I had him. Now with the death of his father, he’s completely gone. Like a ghost, here one second, gone the next.
“I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been almost two months now and nothing has changed between us. If anything it’s gotten worse. We no longer share a bed. He’s moved everything of his out of my room. We don’t touch, communicate, nothing.”
“Do you think it’s over?” she asks.
I lean forward, pull my legs up to my chest and rest my chin on my knees. My fingers trace patterns into the dirt below. “Yeah. I do. I know he knows it too, but neither of us wants to admit defeat.”
“Well I don’t know about you, but I want my best friend back. You’ve become this bleak shell of a person.” I know she’s trying to be funny by the lilt in her voice, but it’s not going to work.
“I know, and I’m sorry I’m not myself right now.”
“I was just joking,” she reassures. “It’s not your fault.”
“My heart hurts, Tam. It’s never hurt this bad,” I choke out. Tears fall unbidden, falling over the bridge of my nose, onto my cheek, running into my hair.
Both of her arms come around me and I bury my face in the crook of her neck. My spirit cleanses itself with tears and gut-wrenching sobs. The knots in my stomach loosen. An invisible weight lifts off my shoulders. The devastation of the relationship that I’ve tried with everything in me to salvage no longer burdens my soul. I still ache something fierce knowing that I’m going to have to let the other half of my soul go so he can go and reclaim his. That knowledge doesn’t ease the pain I feel, but it does hurt a little less if Brayden can find what he’s looking for.
After a while I pull back, slip off my sunglasses and wipe away the remaining tears. “I’m so sorry,” I confess.
“What are you apologizing for?” Tammy laughs and the sound makes me feel a little lighter.
“For being a sap.”
“I have a question?”
“What?”
“Don’t you ever get angry?” Tammy asks.
“All the time,” I admit.
“Then show it.”
My head whips in Tammy’s direction as I stare back at her. She lifts my hand and flips it over, palm up before pouring a handful of rocks into my hand. I weigh the loose pebbles. I look out over the calm lake. I feel anything but calm inside. I’m hurt, sad, pissed off, but more than anything I feel so alone when I shouldn’t feel that way.
I hurl the first rock. The pent up sadness lifts as the rock leaves my fingertips. My eyes track it sailing through the air. “I hurt for you. At the same time you’re hurting me,” I murmur to myself.
Everything around me begins to fade to black as I throw the second rock even harder. There is no Tammy. There are no trees or birds chirping in the background. The waves no longer calm the churning in my heart. It’s me and my feelings and my rocks. My anger dissipates as the pebble assaults the water. “Why won’t you let me in? I’ve given you so much of me, but I get nothing in return.”
The third rock slips from my fingers and flies faster, landing in the water harder as I let every feeling of despair leave my body and sink to the bottom of the lake. “I am so tired of you pushing me away. Can’t you see what you’re doing to me? To us? Can’t you see past your own pain to see mine?”
Rock after rock flies from my fingers until the last one hits the water, a large splash follows its wake. “We’re together, but I’m alone. Not by my choice but by yours. I’ve spent enough of my life alone. You are supposed to be my rock and I yours, but now we’ve all but disappeared.” Each statement gets louder and louder until I’m yelling and my voice strains with emotion and tears. “Why? Am I not enough to save you? Am I not enough to pull you from the darkness? Am I not what you need?”
I scream question after question getting everything that I’ve wanted to say to Brayden off my chest. My breaths come faster and faster in heavy pants. Salt-water tears sting my eyes as I release every emotion I’ve suppressed in hopes that I’m not pushing him away. In hopes that I’m giving him the space he needs and that we’re able to come back from this.
I keep my gaze focused on the lake as everything comes back into focus. Tammy’s hand on my shoulder pulls my attention to her. “Better?” she asks.
I chuckle at her question and nod. “Much.” I wipe my eyes free of tears as I pull her into a hug. “But can we please talk about something else?”
She rubs my back and says, “Sure.” We take a seat and I’m still pulling myself back together when she asks, “Have you seen Drew or Chelsea lately?”
“Mmmhmm…” I nod. “They were there for the funeral and the reception afterward, but the other day I saw Chelsea at the gas station over on Fourth and Maple. I was getting a carton of milk when she came in.”
“How are they?”
“They’re good. He told her.”
Tammy’s brow furrows as she looks at me quizzically. “Who? Drew? And what did he tell her?”
“Yes, Drew. He told her how he was in high school. The hell he and Brayden put me through.”
“Oh my gosh. Did you threaten him that you would tell his wife and what did she say?” Tammy speaks so fast I can’t help but grin at my best friend.
“First, no, I didn’t th
reaten to say anything. I’ve let it go, Tammy. Plus they really are happy and cute together. I don’t want to ruin that for them.”
“Even though you have every right to…”
“Regardless,” I interrupt. “He apologized and it was genuine. I don’t want to be the one to put a wrench in their marriage. Nonetheless, I was surprised when she came up to me at the reception after the funeral and apologized on behalf of her husband.”
“Was she shocked that her husband used to be such a vile person?”
I laugh, and God it feels good. This right here, having Tammy by my side, helping me rediscover myself again; I haven’t felt this good since things between Brayden and I went bad.
Salvage Page 25
