The memory fades. I’m alone in the car, but the itch to complete another job has reared its ugly head. I’ve always been broken, the darkness has always surrounded me, and that’s one of the reasons I left. I couldn’t bring Kasen into what was going through my head at the time. And when I walked out, I only shoved him into the arms of a monster.
Weariness takes hold of me, and I know I’m going to have to pull into a stop for the night. Even though it won’t be long, my body is tense with the thought of being near Kasen again.
I should’ve flown, but this drive has given me time to think. Time to plan what I’m going to tell Kasen when I see him. And time to think about what I’m going to do if he still feels the same.
Because I’m not only going back to bury my father. I’m going back to claim the man I love.
Chapter Three
Kasen
Sliding open the balcony door of my apartment, I step out onto the cold concrete surface, feeling the ice beneath my bare feet. I used to do it all the time, something Max used to hate when we were growing up. I remember him telling me about how stupid I was, and I could lose a toe or my foot, but I always did it. He’d get angry, tackling me to the ground.
“Still stupid, I see.” A deep, familiar voice distracts my reminiscing. Warmth curls around me in the next moment, and I can’t help but smile out at the city below. The tether that’s been bound around us has always been pulled tight. It strained when Max left, and now, it’s taut, shortened, and humming with sexual energy because he’s back.
I don’t turn to regard him because I don’t want to see him. Not yet. His face, his eyes, those full lips that used to distract me in class while I tried to concentrate on our pop quizzes. Everything about him had been made to grab my attention.
My heart, though, that’s fucking battering my ribs right now. My lungs have difficulty pulling in much-needed air. But I keep my gaze on the buildings below. The twinkling lights reminding me that I made it in the city.
He’s here, in my home. I don’t know how he found me or how he got in, but I also don’t care because I want him here. I crave for him to be near me, nearer than he is right at this moment.
“I assume you’ve heard,” Maxen mutters behind me, and I hear the click of his Zippo. The sound of his breath as he pulls in smoke, and the smell of it hitting my nostrils.
“I did,” I tell him, lifting the tumbler to my lips. I wait for it, for the moment of impact, but it doesn’t come. I gulp down the bourbon and finally turn to face him. Nothing I’d ever done in my life could’ve readied me for this second. When my gaze lands on him, I know I’m not prepared to face Maxen East again.
He’s filled out considerably — broader shoulders, muscular thighs, and he’s draped in leather and denim. With a darker demeanor than before. His angular jaw has a shadow of stubble, his full lips even pinker than I remember.
But even with all the danger that seems to emanate from him, he’s still breathtakingly handsome.
“Why didn’t you tell me the truth?” His anger is palpable. I can’t give him an honest answer, so I don’t respond. “Why the fuck did you hide the one thing you shouldn’t have from me? I could’ve helped you through it.” He waves the gun in my face, and I take in how broken he is. It’s been years since I laid eyes on him. He’s changed so much. He’s older, different, angrier.
I know what he’s talking about. But I could never have confessed what I had lived through that night. He points the gun at me once more, pressing the barrel to my forehead. Even though I know the weapon is loaded with bullets, I’m not afraid. I’ve done all I needed to do, and it’s over now. I’ve lived a life I always wanted.
“I want to take your clothes off. I want to fuck you so hard that you don’t know who you are anymore.” His words confuse me, and I can’t help but stare at him as if he’s lost his mind. “I’ve watched you, jerked off in the shadows as you painted in your fucking studio, and I couldn’t bring myself to come to you.”
Instead of asking him how he got into my apartment, I acknowledge him by nodding slowly. “I know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t. I was ashamed.” My raw honesty burns my throat. The pain is familiar. Being abused wasn’t part of the plan. The darkness that enveloped me all those years ago was nothing like what I hunger for now. I want him to take me, to use me, but I just stand there, staring into the eyes of the man I love.
Max’s deep chocolate gaze drinks me in, taking in every inch of me before he looks me in the eye. Without a word, he closes the distance. His mouth inches from mine, I can feel his hot breath on my face.
“You’re a fucking idiot.”
“So are you, Max,” I tell him. I’m not talking about his choice to break into my apartment or the fact that he’s here with a gun in my home. No, I’m talking about the moment he walked out of my bedroom, breaking my heart and his, and I know he’s broken because it’s etched across his face.
“Don’t give me that shit, Kase,” he bites out, pressing the barrel of the gun under my chin. His gaze dark, burning through me with rage, frustration, and something else, something I never thought I’d ever see—heartbreak.
“Why? Because you were the one who walked out, and you expected me to find you and confess all my darkest sins,” I tell him honestly. I shouldn’t taunt a guy with a gun to my face, but there’s not much else I can do right now, because all I want to do is kiss him.
“Do you trust me?” he asks, and I don’t have to think about it when I nod in response. “Then you’re coming with me. I wanted to fuck you right here and now, but I think I have something better for you to do before you finally take my dick inside you.”
I’m confused, but I don’t deny him. I’ve waited long enough for him to come to me, and I’m not about to let him walk away again. Grabbing my keys and phone, I follow him out the door. “Where are we going?”
“To a place where we can talk without anyone hearing us.”
When we pull up to a small cabin hours later, I’m in awe at how remote it is. Even though it’s close to where we grew up, it feels like I’m in the middle of nowhere.
“What is this place?”
“It’s my home, the place I . . . It’s where I finish up most of my jobs,” he tells me, but his voice has dropped a few octaves, and I have to lean in to hear him.
“Your jobs?”
He turns to me, his gaze boring into me. It holds me hostage like so many times before. As if nothing has changed, he reaches for me, gripping the back of my neck and squeezing.
“I’m a hired hitman, Kase. When I left all those years ago, I got to LA with nothing. I didn’t want anything my father gave me, except for the promise of a place to live,” he finally admits. My heart hammers against my ribs, attacking it with a vengeance.
He falls silent. I’m still shaking. My nerves are alight with anticipation. Would he kill me? He could. Nobody would be any wiser. Max sighs before he pushes open the door and exits the vehicle, leaving me alone. He trusts me so implicitly; he doesn’t bother turning to see if I follow.
I do.
Inside the cabin, he heads to the kitchen, and I watch him pour two large shots of amber liquid from an unmarked bottle. He hands me one and then gulps down half of his.
“The man I lived with offered me help, but he ended up taking something from me I can never get back. I ran. Found work assisting a PI, and the rest, as they say, is history.”
“You went from PI to . . . to hired hitman?”
He nods.
He swallows the rest of the drink and smiles. “Welcome to the scene of some of my crimes. If I need to interrogate them before finishing the job, I bring the marks back here, and keep them down in the basement.”
“So, we’re standing on a dungeon of dead bodies?”
Max chuckles, shakes his head and stares at me. “No, I burn them. But I wanted to bring you here and show you the cabin before we head to the funeral. We have to go and pay
our last respects.”
I nod. Drinking the strong alcohol, I can’t help wincing as it burns its way down my throat. But my eyes are latched on to Maxen.
“Are you going to run, or will you stay with me?”
“What do you want me to do?”
He leaves the question unanswered with words. Instead, he closes the distance between us, grips my face in his hands, and pulls my mouth against his in a brutal, violent kiss. Our tongues lash against each other’s, and I know I’m in the only place I was meant to be—in Maxen’s arms.
Chapter Four
Maxen
It’s only been two hours since I left Kase at the cabin after the night we spent together. It was everything I imagined it would be. Everything I ever wanted, and I already miss him.
But I got a call for a job which I knew I needed to finish. The need to make someone pay for the agony that’s gripping my chest right now had taken hold of me. When I arrived, I found the asshole tied to a chair, just the way I like it.
My contact has learned over the years how I like to toy with my victims, and this time is no different.
“Please, mister, I have money, I have a lot of money.” The man before me speaks, his words are mumbled, and I watch his eyes glint through the tears that are now streaming down his cheeks.
Watching a man dying is never the same. They all offer up different excuses, pleas of mercy, but they don’t realize none of it works with me. Even when my own father begged for his life, I couldn’t bring myself to offer him the mercy he didn’t give Kasen.
The memory of what happened to my best friend sears me. Lifting my blade, I press it against my victim’s Adams apple before I tell him, “It’s over now.” With a grin, I push the metal tip into the soft flesh causing the cut to grow wider. Twisting the blade, I watch in awe as crimson liquid seeps from the fatal wound. My dick throbs against my zipper and I know I need to get home to Kase before I do something stupid with the warm corpse of this asshole.
Blood drips from the knife as I smile down at the body. I shouldn’t have done it, but I couldn’t help myself. When I get home, he’ll be angry. But he’ll also understand my need for it. My job here is done, and I can’t wait to get back to him and feel his warmth against me.
I shouldn’t have come out tonight, but it was a job. He knows it, and I know it. If I don’t do this, we’ll both struggle with my problem. When I found Kase again, confessed who I was, I didn’t think he’d accept me, but he has. He loves me, and I love him. Nothing can stop our hearts beating as one.
It’s been a wonderful experience learning about his quirks, and him learning more about the troubles that plague me daily. I’ve always wanted someone who could accept me and my proclivities.
When I was younger, my parents didn’t know what to do with me. They believed I was born from Hell and that I was pure evil. Perhaps I am. I never denied it, but I did try to show them that I wasn’t always bad. I mean . . . I have my good days too.
Turning around, I walk out of the house and make my way to the blacked-out SUV that’s parked near the trees not far from the property. I learned one thing while being out in this world, doing the job I do — don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re not able to do something.
Smiling, I turn on the engine and pull out onto the road, heading home for the night. The clouds have come out, the moon just about peeking through the darkness in an attempt to light my way, but I don’t need it. I know where I’m going.
It’s easy to be in the dark. Most people don’t realize how beautiful it is. They perceive it to be bad, but it hides all the insecurities. The darkness they usually find scary is the one thing that keeps them safe.
I’ve loved it since I was a child. Basking in it. I blame my father for making me this way. Perhaps if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be like this. Maybe, just maybe, if it weren’t for his mind, I would be different.
But then again, I don’t want to change. I am who I am. And the man who’s waiting for me at home loves that about me. He’s always told me that I’m the darkness to his light. I make him see that nothing is always pristine. Even beauty has wickedness hiding beneath the surface.
The roads are quiet, and I make it home in no time at all. The moment I step into the house, warmth hits me. There’s a fire still roaring, and the smell of freshly baked bread wafts toward me as I lay down my tools.
Once I’m sure I haven’t got anything still hidden in any of my pockets, I make my way through the cabin and into the kitchen where I find him standing. His body wrapped in black material—sweatpants and a T-shirt. His feet are bare, and the full head of chocolate brown hair makes me want to tangle my fingers through it.
“I didn’t know how late you’d be.” He turns to look at me, love shining in his eyes, and I can’t help but smile. He’s handsome, impossibly so, and I wonder daily how a man like him can love someone like me.
“I told you I wouldn’t be long. I just needed . . .” I sigh as he hands me a large mug of coffee, and I sip on the steaming liquid. The mocha flavors hit my taste buds just the right way, and I moan in pleasure.
“You keep that up, and I’ll have to take you to the bedroom,” he quips, his dark brow arching in question, but I have to shake my head. It’s time to eat, then we can head upstairs.
“I’m hungry.”
He nods, turning to grab a plate and fork before I watch him fill up a plate of pasta that’s fit for a king. He sets it on the breakfast bar, and I settle in to fill up on dinner. He doesn’t say anything while I eat, merely watches me as if I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.
Years ago, I made a mistake. A big one. I walked out and didn’t want him to know where I’d been. I didn’t tell him half the things I’d seen, crimes that I committed. I thought I was safe out here in the middle of nowhere, but I needed him to see the real me. If he chooses to walk away, then I know at least I’ve been honest.
I still think I’m dreaming when I look over at him, but he’s real, he’s here, and he wants to take me back with him. The only problem is, I don’t know what I’m going to do, because I’m not sure I can live in the city.
He’s a successful artist, and I’m the messy murderer.
“You’re overthinking it again, Max,” he tells me in that wry tone. He reminds me of my dad, the one man who broke me first. He didn’t hurt me physically. No, he shattered my mind, and now I’m the one who’s not right.
“I know,” I tell him without lifting my eyes. Scooping the last bit of food into my mouth, I chew slowly, focusing on what I need to say to him. But even as I think it through in my head, I can’t bring myself to tell him to leave.
“You can’t stay out here alone,” he tells me quickly. “Give it a month.” His plea causes me to lift my gaze, meeting his affectionate one.
I’ve lived in this cabin for nearly five years. Less time than when I first turned my back on him, that day he told me those three words, the same confession I could never give him. I know the moment I do tell him, I’ll break us both. He’s too good for me. He’s always been too good for me.
“Come to the funeral with me,” he says suddenly. The moment I walk into my childhood home, I’ll be thrown back into the past, and I don’t want that. “You need to say goodbye.”
“I said goodbye a long time ago.” My voice is hard in response, but I can’t show the pain that’s taking hold of me.
“Don’t turn away again. You’re running and running, but that doesn’t fix anything, Max,” my best friend, the man I love, tells me. I know he’s right. I should go to the funeral, to see my father’s body being lowered into the ground, but I’m not sure I can stand by and not admit what I know.
Kasen doesn’t understand why I can’t go there. He didn’t ask me this last night while we sat quietly on the sofa, drinking bourbon-laden coffee. I should tell him what I did, but I can’t confess that I know how my father died because I watched him take his last breath.
I couldn’t tell my best
friend that I’m responsible for my own father’s death.
Chapter Five
Kasen
I watch him for a long while. We just stare at each other in silence, and I wonder if he’ll deny me again. He thinks he’s done something terrible, but he hasn’t. I know he hasn’t because I’m the one who did it, he just doesn’t realize it.
I should tell him.
Maybe now is the time to admit it, but the more I take him in, the more my heart thuds wildly with love and affection for my best friend. I can’t bring myself to tell him what really happened that night.
I wanted nothing more than to give him the truth, but shame burns in my veins when I think about the pain, the way the tears attempt to cleanse me.
I know the moment I tell him the truth, he’ll want to seek vengeance, but I’ve moved on. I’ve made a life for myself. He wouldn’t understand the need to forget what happened. I don’t want him to walk away from me again, and I’m scared he will when he knows the truth.
Our friendship was built on honesty, but right now, it’s built on secrets. He doesn’t really know anything that happened after he left. He disappeared and left me to pick up the pieces.
I wanted to run after him, to face him and tell him he’s guilty of so much, of leaving me there, of allowing me to break under the mind control of a monster, but I don’t. Perhaps he was escaping in the only way he knew how. Maybe he was trying to protect me by running. But this time, he’s not getting away again, because I can’t let him leave me.
“I should’ve told you,” he starts, and my heart gallops against my ribs. Max pushes the plate away and regards me for a long while. “I never wanted to leave you, Kase, I mean . . .” His words ebb into the silence of the cabin. “But I’ll go with you. I don’t like the city, you know that, but for you, I’ll go.”
Devious Resolutions Page 33
