by Kate Hewitt
Well, there was only one way to find out. She stirred and stretched, and Jaiven came slowly semiawake. He pulled her closer, his arm curving around her shoulder, his fingers brushing her breast. Sparks shot through her and she half turned toward him, wanting more—and yet afraid to have it.
She wasn’t ready for sex yet. Absurd, perhaps, considering just how much sex they’d had already. But she still felt too raw and revealed and a little bit afraid. She had so many memories, memories a decade old and some from just a few weeks ago. Memories that still hurt.
Still half-asleep, Jaiven palmed her breast and brushed a kiss against her forehead. He murmured a raspy, sleepy hello and slid a hand between her legs.
Louise jerked as if she’d been touched with a hot poker. She wasn’t sure just what sensation had sent her into hyperdrive—whether it was need or fear. Probably both.
Jaiven came fully awake.
He blinked the sleep from his eyes, withdrew his hands from her body. “Good morning,” he said, and gave her a rueful smile of apology. Louise could still see the lust in his eyes, feel it pulse in his body. In her own, too.
“Good morning,” she answered, and slipped from the bed. She was conscious, suddenly and rather painfully, of a lot of things. Her bedhead. Her morning breath. The fact that she still wasn’t ready to have sex with Jaiven, even though her body ached for his touch. And how strange this felt, trying for a relationship. Finding normal when she’d never even known what that was—and she didn’t think Jaiven had, either. “I’ll just be a sec,” she muttered, and disappeared into the bathroom.
Once inside she leaned her head against the mirror and closed her eyes. This was a whole new, and different, kind of awkward. She’d thought the aftermath of casual sex was hard, but last night they’d simply slept in the same bed and it felt even stranger.
Maybe you just can’t do relationships.
That wasn’t Jack’s voice, Louise knew; it was her own. Her own fear and insecurity and uncertainty. She’d never had a healthy romantic relationship. Not a single one. Pretty depressing for a thirty-two-year-old to admit, but there it was. The truth, unvarnished and unpalatable.
But just because you haven’t had one, doesn’t mean you can’t in the future. You can try. You can always try.
Her mouth tugged into a rueful smile. She felt like the Little Engine That Could, puffing away, trying to get up that hill of emotional health and wholeness. I think I can. I think I can.
Jaiven was trying, after all, and this had to be a whole new world of weird for him, too. Wonderful and weird, she told herself firmly, because last night had, in its own way, been wonderful. All that truth-telling. So much intimacy.
She felt emotionally a little worn-out this morning, but also physically invigorated. She’d slept well in Jaiven’s arms. She’d been at peace.
Taking a deep breath, she washed her face and brushed her teeth and then unlocked the door to face the day—and Jaiven.
He was sitting up in bed, still in his T-shirt and boxers, his hair rumpled and a pillow crease on one unshaven cheek. He looked, Louise thought, good enough to eat.
“So.” He leaned back against the pillows, gave her a slow smile. “I guess I should buy you breakfast.”
Her mouth kicked up in an answering smile. “Coffee and a bagel?”
“I think we can stretch to something a little more sustaining,” Jaiven answered. “How about waffles?” He nodded toward the window, where morning sunlight was pouring through, creating a golden pool on the floor. “There must be somewhere decent to eat outside in this neighborhood.”
“Plenty. I’ll just get dressed.”
She slipped on a pair of skinny jeans and a loose top in pale pink while Jaiven used the bathroom and put his clothes from last night back on. Louise offered to head up to the Bronx so he could change, but he just shrugged.
“I’ve worn worse, trust me. And I don’t want to wait. I’m starving.”
They headed outside, stepping into sunlight as they left Louise’s building. It was one of those lovely spring mornings where everything seemed to be in Technicolor; the streets of the Upper West Side, with their rows of old, elegant brownstones, looked like a movie set. It was a day, Louise decided, for romance. For happiness. And she intended to embrace it fully.
“I’ve always loved spring in New York,” she said as they headed to a café she knew on Amsterdam Avenue. “It feels like the most beautiful place in the world.”
Jaiven nodded. “It makes up for the piles of dirty snow and huge slush puddles in February.”
“Almost,” she said, and he laughed.
They settled into a table in a little sectioned-off part of the sidewalk; their knees brushed underneath as the waiter poured them both coffee and they scanned the brunch menu.
“White chocolate waffles with raspberry sauce,” Louise murmured, her mouth watering even as she tried not to think of the calories. “Now that sounds decadent.”
Jaiven glanced up with a glinting smile. “I think those have your name on it.”
Louise made a wry face. “On my hips, perhaps.”
“Your curves are gorgeous,” he said firmly. “You do realize that most men, this one included, don’t like women with stick figures? We want something we can grab onto.”
“Well, I’ve got plenty,” she said. She didn’t want to run herself down about her weight. She knew she wasn’t actually overweight, just on the generous side. But Jack had mocked her ruthlessly about her weight and it still remained a secret—or not-so-secret—insecurity.
Jaiven leaned forward, his gaze suddenly intense. “That voice inside your head? Don’t listen to it.”
Louise’s lips parted in surprise. How did he know exactly what she was thinking? “Do you have one of those voices inside your head?” she asked, and he hesitated, his expression veiling.
“Doesn’t everybody?” he said, and sat back.
Okay, so that was kind of a brush-off, Louise decided, trying not to feel stung. She took a sip of coffee, mulling things over in her head. Jaiven had told her some things about himself, but she still felt there was more he hadn’t said, and she didn’t want to push him for it. Revealing this kind of stuff was hard. She could wait until he was ready.
She hoped.
The waitress came to take their orders, and after a second’s deliberation Louise ordered the white chocolate waffles. Fattening they may be, but she wasn’t going to listen to that voice in her head.
It was so pleasant to sit in the sunshine with Jaiven and chat about nothing important. To simply enjoy the day, being with him. It felt easy and right in a way that so little in her life had.
Without even realizing what she was doing, her mind started to drift. She imagined other mornings like this, mornings drinking coffee in a sunny kitchen in a house in the suburbs, the white picket fantasy she was still afraid to admit she wanted, even to herself.
And do you think Jaiven wants that?
Could she really picture her and Jaiven with the house, the dog, the 2.1 children?
Whoa. Getting ahead of yourself much?
She took a hasty sip of coffee and nearly choked. She wasn’t even sure what they were embarking on, if it was an actual relationship, and she was already picking out paint colors and baby names? She really needed to get a grip.
“So it’s a beautiful sunny Sunday morning,” Jaiven said after he’d insisted on paying the bill. “And we’ve got the whole day ahead of us. What do you want to do?”
“Umm…usually on Sunday I catch up on marking.”
“Let’s try to think of something more interesting.”
“A movie?”
“And waste this weather?”
“How about a museum?”
“Ditto.”
“We could go to the zoo,” she said with an impish smile. “Or the Botanical Garden. See a bit more of your borough.”
“The Bronx Zoo is not the Bronx,” he reminded her, but he was smiling. “But okay. I thi
nk I’d rather look at lions than flowers.”
They took a cab up to Jaiven’s place, where he got some fresh clothes, and then they headed over to the zoo. By the time they arrived the line was snaking out through the wrought iron gates, and Louise cast a mock-longing look toward the far shorter members-only line.
“I always meant to become a member,” she said, and Jaiven shook his head.
“Whenever you buy a membership to something, you doom yourself to never using it.”
Briefly she thought of the gym membership she’d optimistically bought a year ago. She’d gone once. “There’s some truth to that.”
Jaiven nodded sagely, and she cocked her head. “So what membership have you never used?”
“The usual gym one.” She laughed, because his words so mirrored her thoughts. Then she gave his biceps a considering glance. “Are you sure about that? You look like you’ve used a gym membership.” Plenty.
The grin he gave her was knowing and flirtatious, and it made her insides sizzle. “I have a private gym now, on the top floor of my house. I’ll have to show it to you.”
“As long as you don’t expect me to use it.”
‘I’m sure we could think of other rooms to put to good use.”
She felt that sizzle of awareness again as provocative images danced through her mind. She was sure Jaiven could put just about any room to good and creative use.
Yet even as heat flared she felt a stirring of—not alarm, no, not exactly. But hesitation. A little uncertainty. Because even though she wanted him—wanted him terribly—she still knew she was afraid. Not afraid of Jaiven, perhaps, but afraid of herself. Afraid that sex between them had been ruined by what had gone before. Was it possible to forgive yet not forget?
She hoped not.
Still, she told herself as they strolled into the zoo, tickets in hand, she was getting ahead of herself. Jaiven hadn’t actually pushed for them to sleep together again, and he’d seemed to understand when she’d said she hadn’t wanted to last night. She was putting pressure on herself when there didn’t have to be any.
Yet.
*
Jaiven willed the knotted muscles of his shoulders to loosen as he strolled around the animal enclosures, his hand loosely clasped with Louise’s.
Seriously, what did he have to be stressed about? The day so far had been damn near perfect. Waking up in a woman’s arms. Eating pancakes with blueberries and drinking strong coffee. Laughing and joking and having a pretty relaxed time with a woman he wasn’t afraid to admit he cared about.
Just what was the problem?
Well, he could think of several straight off the bat. Like the fact that she’d slipped from his arms this morning when all he’d wanted to do was kiss her. No, that wasn’t true. He hadn’t just wanted to kiss her. He’d wanted to slide deep inside her, bring them both to the kind of dizzying pleasure that would have made them forget their own names.
But not the past. He was worried, hell, he was scared shitless, that Louise wasn’t going to be able to let go of that one awful evening. He knew all too well how one single, terrible mistake could ruin a life. Could end it.
His muscles knotted tighter.
Because while he was afraid that Louise wouldn’t be able to forget the past, he also knew he couldn’t forget his own. And there was still so much he wasn’t telling her. It sat like a damn gorilla on his shoulder, growling and beating its chest.
How long could he keep it a secret? And yet how could he not?
With things so new and fragile between them, Jaiven didn’t want to test the strength of Louise’s trust and affection with the truth. Not yet.
Not ever?
No, he would tell her sometime. He would have to. Just not yet.
“You want to go in the Snake House?” Louise asked, and Jaiven glanced at the structure looming in front of them before shaking his head.
“Not so much.”
“Don’t tell me someone like you is afraid of snakes?”
“Let’s just say I have a healthy respect for them. One that makes me keep my distance.” He didn’t really have an opinion on snakes, but he liked teasing Louise. He liked the way her gray-green eyes turned silvery when she smiled, and how her laugh lit up her face.
“Come on,” he said, drawing her close simply because he needed to feel her against him. “Let’s go get some ice cream.”
They sat on a park bench eating chocolate-dipped cones in the sunshine, and Jaiven felt almost perfectly happy. This could be enough, he thought. He could be happy with just this.
Then Louise licked a drip of chocolate ice cream from the side of her cone and a shaft of lust blindsided him. Okay, this wasn’t enough. It would never be enough, not when he knew and remembered all too well the uninhibited joy of her touch.
He needed a distraction from the desire pulsing inside him. Fast. “I learned about that yacht you asked me about,” he said, and Louise turned to him, her lips parted in surprise.
“You did? When?”
“Yesterday morning. I meant to call you, but then I saw you and…” He trailed off with a crooked smile. “More important things took over.”
She frowned, her lips pursing. “You should have told me, Jaiven. It’s important.”
He felt a spike of annoyance as well as a prickle of unease. How much more had he not told her? “I’m not sure what good the information will do,” he said, and heard a coolness enter his voice. Great. They were arguing already, and about someone he couldn’t care less about.
“It wasn’t for you to make that judgment,” she shot back, and Jaiven suppressed a sigh. He’d forgotten for a millisecond how prickly Louise could get when she felt as if she were being bossed around. He understood why now, but it didn’t make dealing with it any easier.
“I’m sorry, Louise, okay? But maybe you’ll understand what I mean when I tell you what I’ve learned.”
She sat back, arms crossed, expression still wary. “Okay.”
“The yacht is registered to the royal family of Ruyi.”
“Ruyi?” Her forehead wrinkled. “Where’s that?”
“A small country in the Middle East. The royal family is a client of Treffen, Howell, and Smith. The firm looks after their business interests abroad.”
“Okay,” she said after a moment. “So you think the royal family could be involved?”
Jaiven shrugged. “It’s possible, I guess. The yacht is currently moored near Nice. The Cannes Film Festival is coming up, so it’s probably staying around for that.”
“Do you know who’s aboard?”
“No, that doesn’t come up on any registers. But…it all seems fairly normal to me, Louise.” He hesitated, because he knew she was still feeling a bit prickly, but he also felt her past might be coloring her view of the situation. “Look, are you sure this Harlow isn’t just having a good time?” Her eyes sparked and she opened her mouth. Jaiven forestalled her with one upraised hand. “I know, I know. Treffen was a pimp. But he’s dead, and there’s no real indication that Harlow’s in trouble, is there? She might not be answering her phone because she’s having too good a time with her new rich boyfriend.”
“And her apartment?”
“He kindly paid it up because he knew she’d be with him on the yacht.”
Louise sat back, the furrow in her forehead deepening. “Then who do you think killed Treffen?”
“Treffen?” Jaiven hadn’t spared much thought for that rich bastard. “Someone related to one of his victims, probably.”
“Or someone who wanted to silence him? If he went to jail he might have plea-bargained for information. What if someone was pulling Treffen’s strings, Jaiven?”
“I think you’ve watched too much Law and Order,” he teased her drily.
“I know it sounds far-fetched, but this whole thing has been pretty incredible, hasn’t it? And you don’t know Harlow. She wouldn’t swan off with a rich boyfriend. She was passionate and determined. I think she might have acce
pted the law internship in the first place because she was pursuing a lead.”
“A lead no one else, not even Alex or Chelsea, found?” Jaiven asked, and Louise just shrugged.
“Or maybe just a hunch. Alex was so focused on Treffen, he never even considered it could be bigger than that. The same with the others who helped him.” She turned to him, her eyes wide with anxiety. “Can you find out anything more about who is on that yacht? I know it seems ridiculous and it might come to nothing, but it’s the only lead we have.” She paused as she nibbled her lip. “I know my own history is probably affecting how I view this situation, Jaiven. I’m self-aware enough to realize that. But like I said, I also know Harlow. And I don’t want her to make the same kind of mistake I did. To walk into something you can’t easily get out of.” She bit her lip again before managing a wry smile. “I know it’s not the same thing at all, not really. But if I can help…”
“I understand,” Jaiven answered. “And I’ll see what I can do. I might be able to look into the CCTV footage of the harbor. See if I can find something. Do you have a photo of Harlow?”
“I can get one from Nora or Addison.”
“Good. We’ll see if that turns up anything, and this time I’ll make sure to tell you.” He still wasn’t convinced that Harlow was in any danger, but he understood that it was important to Louise to do something, and he wanted to help her for her own sake if not for Harlow’s.
“Thank you,” she said, laying a hand on his arm, and Jaiven smiled.
“Not a problem.” He tapped her nose lightly. “You’re getting sunburned. How about we head back?”
To bed, he wanted to add, but didn’t. He just hoped to hell that eventually Louise would want to go there.
Chapter Thirteen
THEY TOOK A cab from the zoo to Jaiven’s brownstone, and the closer they got to their destination the more Louise started to feel nervous. It was ridiculous, she told herself, to be scared of sex when they’d had it so many times before, in so many fantastic ways. And in truth she wasn’t actually scared of the sex.
Part of her—quite a large part—yearned to feel Jaiven’s touch again. She knew he could make her body respond no matter what was going on in her head.
