by Lynda Renham
He struggled to remember the lawyer’s office Tom worked for. After two minutes of searching Google, he had found it.
‘Hey Chris, how’s it going?’ said Tom cheerfully.
‘Yeah good. How about you?
‘Not bad. I’m in court in five minutes.’
‘Ah, I won’t keep you. Sharni offered to take care of Ben today as there was a problem at the nursery. I’m trying to get hold of Clare. She’s not answering. I’m probably being silly but I thought something might have happened with Ben …’
‘Let me give you Sharni’s number,’ Tom interrupted.
‘Thanks Tom.’
Seconds later Chris was calling Sharni on her mobile. He was surprised to see his hands were shaking.
‘Hello.’
‘Sharni? It’s Chris.’
‘Chris,’ she sounded surprised. ‘Hi, how are you?’
‘I’m fine. I can’t get hold of Clare. Everything’s okay with Ben isn’t it?’
He felt like kicking himself. Both she and Tom will think that he’s as neurotic as his wife.
‘He’s fine. He’s having a nap. I should wake him actually. I got carried away with work.’
‘I’m sorry to have bothered you.’
‘Don’t be silly. I’d be phoning every two minutes if I’d left my child with someone.’
He forced a laugh.
‘Oh, we’re not like that. Has Clare been in touch?’
‘Yes, earlier today.’
‘Great, well, I’d better get back to work. Thanks for having Ben at such short notice.’
‘Don’t thank me. I’ve really enjoyed it.’
He hangs up and checks his messages again. He chews thoughtfully on the end of his pen and then calls Clare’s number. The ringing tone seems to go on forever and jars on his nerves. A familiar feeling of anger builds within him. For God’s sake, what is it now?
Chapter Ten
It’s hot in Sharni’s house.
‘It’s only because you’ve come in from the cold,’ she says.
I step back in surprise. She smells of Jo Malone’s Grapefruit.
‘Is that …?’ I begin.
‘Grapefruit,’ she smiles. ‘You rekindled the love in me. I had about a quarter of a bottle. It probably doesn’t smell as fresh as yours though.’
It smells perfect on her. She leads me into the lounge where Ben is playing on her white fur rug. His playpen sits folded in the corner and a line of toy cars surrounds him. I gasp at the photographs that litter the floor. They’re all of Ben.
‘There are some from today and some from yesterday,’ she says casually, scooping them up.
I look in amazement. They’re beautiful. The kind of close-up photos I’ve always wanted to take but never been able to. The background has been expertly faded out.
‘These are amazing,’ I say. ‘I can never get photos like this.’
She smiles indulgently.
‘I’ll put them into an envelope. You can choose the ones you want to frame.’
I stroke Ben’s hair and check his forehead. Considering the house is so hot his head is cool.
‘Has he been okay?’
‘He’s been a little angel, haven’t you Sweet Pea,’ she says, kissing him lovingly on the cheek. ‘We’ve been playing with your cars, haven’t we?’
I think her eyes mist over but immediately she is back to normal.
‘He had a good nap and we went for a stroll to the park. I gave him pureed veg. I think it’s good for their immune system, don’t you?’
‘Yes,’ I say.
I never seem to get time to puree veg. I know I should. I’ll dig the blender out of the cupboard. I know it’s there somewhere.
‘How did your appraisal go?’
‘It went well. In fact they’ve offered me more work.’
I bite my lip. I hadn’t intended telling her, at least not until I’d told Chris.
‘That’s great.’
I nod.
‘Right, I’d better get Ben home.’
‘Is the nursery sorted?’ she asks. ‘Or is it still flooded?’
‘No, not yet but they say it will be fine for us to go Thursday. So we’ll be okay.’
‘Oh here,’ she says, handing me the photographs. ‘You know if … well, I don’t mind having him if you didn’t want to pay out to the nursery. It would be a shame if all the extra money you earnt went to pay the nursery fees. I’m home and he’s no trouble.’
‘Oh, I couldn’t ask you to do that,’ I interrupt.
I can’t help admitting the offer is appealing. The nursery fees take most of my salary, but the extra hours will help. It isn’t that Chris doesn’t do well but by the time we’ve paid the mortgage and other bills there isn’t much left.
‘It’s not a problem for me. Have a chat with Chris about it,’ she says.
I bundle Ben up and open the stroller. It’s easier to carry the bags over the handlebars.
‘Oh here,’ says Sharni, pushing the keys into my hand. ‘Don’t forget these.’
I am tempted to tell her to hang on to them but I am not really comfortable with someone one else having keys to our house. It is good of her to offer to have Ben, though. Surely Chris will agree that Sharni having Ben is a much better option than the nursery. We could save a fortune and I’d only have to pop Ben next door.
‘Thanks,’ I say and shove them into my handbag. ‘Why don’t I have a word with Chris about you looking after Ben?’
‘Oh sure. No pressure. See you later.’
‘Thanks Sharni and thanks for the photos. We ought to pay you or …’
She looks offended.
‘That’s ridiculous.’
I push the stroller over the step and quickly say,
‘You don’t put photos on Facebook do you? It’s just I’m a bit neurotic about Ben’s picture being seen.’
‘I hardly go on Facebook, let alone post photos of other people’s children,’ she says sharply.
Oh God, I really have offended her.
‘I didn’t mean …’
‘Oh there’s Tom. He’s early and I haven’t even started dinner. Looks like a takeaway for us.’
The air seems to have cleared and I exhale gratefully.
‘Hi,’ calls Tom. ‘I got let out early for good behaviour,’ he jokes.
‘I’ll be off,’ I say clutching the photos.
I look back to see Tom kissing Sharni before the door closes behind them. It’s only then that I realise I had never told Sharni the nursery was closed because of a flood.
*
‘I’m home,’ calls Chris.
I busy myself folding the washing. I feel hurt and let down.
‘Hi,’ he says, kissing me. ‘I got Chinese as promised. I’ve been texting you all day.’
‘I know.’
I move past him into the living room and lay the table for dinner. I hear him take off his jacket and throw his briefcase on to the couch. I click off the television where Ben had been watching Peppa Pig.
‘Hello mate,’ he says to Ben, lifting him out of his high chair.
‘I just settled him for dinner,’ I say.
‘So what have I done?’ he asks in a tired voice.
I turn on him angrily.
‘You tell me?’
‘I would if I knew what it was.’
‘You couldn’t have your son but …’
He raises his eyebrows.
‘But you can fanny around with some blonde at lunchtime,’ I finish.
He slumps on to the couch.
‘You’re surely not serious,’ he says with a laugh. I feel the tears roll down my cheeks and have to fight the urge to slap him.
‘I saw you, Chris. You came out of a restaurant. I was in Pizza Hut.’
I don’t mention I’d just spent twenty minutes going through his emails looking for anything suspicious. He shakes his head wearily.
‘It was Toni you saw. We’ve had meetings all day. She’s working alo
ng with me on the Hinski contract and we had to take the client out for lunch.’
‘But I always thought Tony was a man.’
‘Toni’s a woman, Clare. I’ve told you that. I’m sure I have. Toni and I work together a lot.’
‘What else do you do together?’ I yell, snatching up his phone from the couch.
‘For God’s sake Clare, don’t start that again.’
I scroll into his text messages and look for Toni. Chris sighs and walks to the kitchen.
‘I’ll dish up the Chinese,’ he says.
I manically check his WhatsApp account and emails but there is no trace of Toni.
‘You’ve deleted them,’ I say accusingly. He walks back in and takes the phone from me. He scrolls into deleted items and hands it back.
‘There’s no fucking messages Clare, not to or from Toni. I’m not interested in Toni and she’s not in the hell interested in me. She’s got a boyfriend who adores her. Get a grip and for fuck’s sake stop taking those bloody tranquilisers. They’re messing with your head. Can’t you see that? I can’t deal with your jealousy again. I thought we were past all that.’
I drop the phone and burst into tears. Oh God, I feel so useless. I can’t even puree vegetables for my child. I’m a neurotic drug-addicted mess and now my husband hates me.
‘I’m so sorry Chris. I just … I don’t know what’s happening. I feel so …’
‘You’ve got to get over this anxiety,’ he says marching back into the kitchen.
I follow like a naughty child.
‘I’m sure the pills make you worse,’ he says.
‘Dr Rawlins said I need to cut back.’
‘Sounds like a good idea to me. Are you taking your other medication?’
I avoid his eyes.
He sighs.
‘You should take it Clare. You might not need these bloody tranquillisers then.’
‘I worry about Ben,’ I say.
‘Ben’s fine.’
‘I know I’m sorry, I overreact sometimes.’
‘It’s got to stop Clare. The only reason …’ he begins but the sound of the doorbell stops him.
‘Can you get that?’
He nods and walks back into the living room. Seconds later he calls me.
‘Clare, can you come in. It’s the police.’
I feel myself turn cold. Why would the police be here?
‘Hello,’ I say coming in to the living room.
The policeman smiles and I relax.
‘They want to ask you a few questions,’ says Chris. ‘It’s about the nursery.’
‘Oh, is everything okay?’
The policeman sniffs appreciatively.
‘Dinner smells nice,’ he comments.
‘It’s just a takeaway,’ I say.
Now even the police know I’m a lousy cook and housewife.
‘It was about the flood at the nursery. There’s no sign of a break in. Nothing was taken. But there was a lot of damage so the nursery reported it.’
‘Oh,’ I say. ‘That’s ridiculous. Why would someone do that?’
‘You tell me. Some people have a funny idea of fun,’ he smiles.
‘Quite,’ says Chris.
For a moment he sounds like Tom.
‘They wanted to check we still had our key, as we’re official key holders,’ says Chris.
‘Yes, it’s in my bag.’
‘Do you always keep it with you?’ asks the police officer. ‘You haven’t lost it at all?’
I hesitate. The truth is I’d stumbled on them this evening. I’d spilt some fruit juice and found them under the couch when cleaning up. But if I tell him that, he’ll think I’m irresponsible with them. I don’t want that getting back to the nursery.
‘Yes, they’re always in my bag.’
It’s not a lie. They usually are. I don’t know how they got under the couch.
‘Can I ask why you’re a key holder?’
‘Our boy goes there twice a week and Clare helps out on a Wednesday morning. We’re one of the closest parents so if the place needed opening in an emergency we could do it.’
‘I see. That’s great, thanks. Well if you should remember anything. Someone you’ve seen hanging around the place.’
‘Do you think they’re dangerous?’ I ask before I can stop myself.
Chris shoots me a look.
‘No, don’t you worry Mrs Ryan. It’s nothing like that. Thanks for your time.’
Chris sees him out and I finish dishing up the dinner.
‘How did your appraisal go?’ Chris asks coming up behind me.
He’s trying to sound upbeat but I can hear the weariness in his voice and hate myself.
‘Geoff offered me more hours,’ I say, taking the wine from the fridge.
‘He did?’
‘Yes, I think it might be worth it but I’m not sure. I said I’d need to talk to you about it.’
He takes the plates and puts them on to the table. I take Ben’s food from the microwave and feel consumed with guilt. I should have pureed something. Just some potato and greens would have been okay, but instead I test the processed carrot mix on my tongue.
‘Would we have to pay more at the nursery?’ he asks.
‘Sharni has offered to look after Ben.’
‘When did she do that?’
‘When I picked Ben up, she asked about the appraisal and I told her I had been offered extra hours.’
‘That’s nice of her but what about her job?’ Chris says as he holds a spoonful of carrot stew to Ben’s mouth.
‘She said it’s not a problem.’
He looks thoughtful.
‘I guess it’s up to you but it sounds perfect. We could save a lot of money.’
I hand him the envelope with the photos. The Chinese is greasy. I must make more effort with the cooking. I’ll do an internet shop later. I’ll order plenty of veg and ask Chris to dig out the blender from the top cupboard.
‘God, she’s good isn’t she?’ he says sifting through the pictures. ‘We’ll have to get some frames.’
‘I’m going to Ikea with Helen, I’ll get some there.’
He smiles and I feel safe again. I’ll take the extra hours and ask Sharni how much she’ll charge. I’ll cut back on the diazepam tomorrow. While Chris washes up I check how many I have left. I decide to start keeping a note on how many I take.
‘Geoff asked if we were going to the Christmas party,’ I call.
‘Are we?’
‘I’d like to.’
‘Let’s go then.’
I hug Ben. Everything is going to be okay.
‘She believed me,’ she said. Her voice was accusing but she didn’t care.
Leah met her eyes but didn’t speak. She reached for her glass of water. She sipped slowly and then said,
‘She knew me better than anyone. I don’t hallucinate. I don’t see things that aren’t there.’
Leah nodded.
‘You were unconscious when the ambulance arrived though,’ she said carefully. ‘We sometimes make up things in order to make sense of them.’
She laughed and realised she sounded slightly hysterical. She sipped more water and then pulled her pills from her bag.
‘Are you taking them regularly?’ asked Leah.
‘Only when I feel tense,’ she said, swallowing two.
‘Are you feeling tense now?’
She was feeling angry. Angry with everyone but she was particularly angry with him. He of all people should have believed her.
‘I’m angry,’ she said.
‘How did you feel knowing your mother believed you?’
‘It felt like I was finally understood, like I was being treated like a normal person instead of a nutcase. I felt like I was banging my head against a wall. I was telling them, telling all of them what happened and they looked at me as if I was a crazy woman. But I wasn’t. It was all so clear. I didn’t imagine it …’
The tears came like a torrent, like they
always did. Would she ever get past this? Why was she still banging her head against a wall? What was the point?
‘Let’s take a little break,’ said Leah.
Chapter Eleven
‘Christ, I needed this day off,’ says Helen, lighting another cigarette. ‘I’m not so sure Ikea is a great way to relax on my day off though.’
I laugh. I’m feeling happy.
‘How do you think you’ll find doing those extra hours next week? That little group is hellish let me tell you. I get them on a bloody Wednesday.’
‘I’m looking forward to it,’ I say.
Sharni had been delighted to have Ben and refused to take a penny. She said she’d be insulted if I paid her. We’re friends, she’d said. It doesn’t seem like two weeks since Sharni and Tom moved in next door. It feels as though they’ve been there forever.
‘They’re great aren’t they?’ Chris had said this morning. Chris and Tom were playing badminton after work. I can’t remember the last time Chris played badminton. Tom and Sharni are the first real friends we’ve had since … I shake the thoughts from my mind and fumble for the diazepam. I stop myself in time and see Helen looking at me.
‘We should go back to the fray,’ she says, nodding to the entrance of Ikea.
I smile and check Ben is still asleep under his covers.
‘I just need Christmas decs and a few other bits and then we can have Swedish meatballs and chips from the restaurant,’ she laughs.
Ben cries softly and I give him a big smile. Faye had been great about me taking Ben out of the nursery and had promptly asked for the keys back. Only parents could be key holders she explained.
‘I need to get photo frames. Sharni took some brilliant photos of Ben,’ I say enthusiastically.
‘Oh yeah, I looked her up. She is on Facebook. I requested friendship but she hasn’t accepted. She’s got a brilliant web page. It’s all photos mind you, nothing else,’ says Helen as she throws some Christmas baubles into the trolley.
My heart races and I clutch the handlebars of the stroller.
‘She hasn’t got photos of Ben on there has she?’
Helen gawps at me.
‘Of course not, they’re all fashion shoots. Let’s get your frames, worry guts.’
