by Lynda Renham
I hear Tom turn his key in the lock and check the dinner.
‘Hi,’ he says throwing his case on to the couch and kissing me. He spots the Vogue magazines on the coffee table and raises his eyebrows.
‘Happy with them?’ he asks, flicking through the pages.
‘Yep, it was a good shoot. I think it shows. How was your day?’
‘Tough, we’re facing a pretty strong prosecution but still …’
He pours wine into glasses and I take mine gratefully.
‘It’s Clare and Chris’s anniversary in a few weeks. I thought it would be nice to take them for dinner. There’s that nice French place.’
He dips a spoon into the curry sauce that bubbles on the hob.
‘Won’t they want to spend it alone? I know I would.’
‘Maybe,’ I say.
He shrugs. I decide not to say that I’d booked a table.
‘I guess it’s up to them. Look Sharn, I’ve been thinking about this Ben thing. I don’t want you …’
‘I’m fine,’ I say, pulling down plates and clattering them on the kitchen counter.
‘It’s just I’m not sure you’re strong enough …’
I wipe my hands on a tea towel and look at him.
‘It’s doing me the world of good Tom,’ I say.
He nods.
‘I know that, it’s just I don’t want you to forget that Ben is Clare and Chris’s child.’
I wince at his words.
‘It’s okay Tom,’ I say.
‘Well, you know, I just don’t want …’ he trails off. I nod and turn back to the curry.
‘Do you like the bedroom?’ I ask, changing the subject. ‘I thought we could get some paintings.’
His face lights up.
‘There’s an exhibition at the Tate Modern. I really want to see it. Fancy it?’
‘Sure,’ I say, relieved to get things back the way they were.
‘We could go to Nick’s new wine bar afterwards.’
I lay the plates on the table. Tom senses my hesitation.
‘You have to get back into the swing of things again, Sharn. Just being friends with a neighbour isn’t enough. I can’t keep seeing Nick and Rachel and all the old guys on my own.’
‘I know. It sounds good. It’ll be nice to see Rachel. Just Nick and Rachel though Tom, okay?’
He smiles.
‘Great, let’s have dinner.’
I try to picture Rachel’s face the last time I had seen her. Her look of sympathy and bewilderment was too much to bear. I block out the memory and pour more wine into my glass. It will be okay. Everything will be okay soon.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
‘Rachel, hi, it’s Sharni.’
I can’t believe how my breathing has quickened. Her voice sends memories flooding through my brain and I have to grasp a chair for support.
‘Sharn?’
There’s disbelief in her voice.
‘Yeah, it’s me.’
‘I’ve been leaving messages on your voicemail.’
She isn’t accusing. She’s simply stating a fact.
‘Yes, I know, I’m sorry. I … I don’t feel ready yet Rachel.’
There’s silence and I have no idea how to break it. I’m very close to hanging up when Rachel says.
‘I’ve missed you.’
I fight back the tears.
‘I’m not the same.’
‘That doesn’t matter.’
I wipe the tears from my cheek.
‘Tom and I thought we’d pop into the wine bar one night …’
‘That would be wonderful,’ she says excitedly.
‘Great, I’ll text you when. Tom’s at badminton at the mo, so I can’t ask him. Anyway, I’d better run, millions to do.’
I hang up before she has time to say goodbye. The tears flow and I allow them free rein. I’ve held them back for too long.
‘Let it all out,’ Rachel had once said.
‘Let it out Sharn, you’ll be all the better for it,’ said Rachel.
‘It can’t be true,’ I said. ‘Tell me I’m dreaming.’
Her face had been kind, sympathetic as always. I wanted to hear her say that we’d go walking along the beach when I was better. She could sketch while I took photographs. But she didn’t.
‘I wish it was a dream Sharn, I really do,’ she sobbed.
I looked down. Her hand was clasped in mine. Hers was pink and warm, mine blue from where the catheter had bruised me.
‘I can’t remember properly.’
‘You will, the doctor said you’re in shock.’
I looked beyond her to my mother. She looked tired, washed out. Her eyes met mine and I knew it was true. Nathan had gone. Why couldn’t I remember?
‘No,’ I said.
‘Darling,’ said Mum.
She’d lost a lot of weight. I hadn’t noticed it before. I’d been so preoccupied with my precious baby that I hadn’t even noticed my mother deteriorating in front of my eyes. And now all that was precious had gone.
‘No,’ I screamed.
Mum wavered in front of me and Rachel’s hand tightened on mine. Tom stood on the other side of the bed, his grief stricken face leaned over me.
‘It’s okay, Sharn, it’s okay.’
But it wasn’t okay at all. It would never be okay again.
*
I look around the kitchen. The fresh paint is irritating my throat. I wonder what Clare is doing. She’ll be wondering what I’m doing. I note that she hasn’t invited me round while the men play badminton. I check the time and grab my coat. I check upstairs to make sure everything I want her to see is easily accessible. She may not come in but if she does then I want her to be unsettled. My tears have dried and I force my lips into a smile before leaving the house.
I arrive home to find her in the back garden. She looks sheepish and makes some excuse about looking for a broom. I pretend to believe her and invite her in for coffee. She’s flushed and nervous and backs away claiming she’s meeting Helen. I smile and go back into the house. Everything was going according to plan.
*
I decide to make a nut roast for dinner. Tom’s into a healthy eating regime.
‘Smells good,’ he says, coming in from the garden. ‘I’ve just seen Chris. Clare’s out so I told him to pop round for a drink. That’s okay isn’t it?’
‘Yes, of course.’
The doorbell sounds and a sheepish Chris wanders in.
‘I hope it’s okay,’ he says uncertainly.
‘Who cleans out their shed on a Sunday afternoon,’ laughs Tom, ‘when your neighbour has the rugby on and a beer in the fridge? Come into the lounge.’
I pretend to make a tutting sound.
‘A man needs to relax,’ he argues.
I leave them to it and spend the rest of the afternoon making gingerbread men for Ben and printing the photos I have taken of him. I lose track of time, as does Tom and Chris. I’m in the middle of preparing a salad to go with the nut roast when there is a loud rapping on the door. I know it is Clare. I try to warn Tom but he gets to the door before I can.
‘Hi Clare we …’ I hear him say.
‘Chris isn’t back and I was just wondering what time you two finished?’ her voice echoes in the hallway.
‘Chris is here,’ he interrupts.
Her eyes widen in surprise.
‘What?’
‘Come in.’
He steps to one side as Chris enters the hallway.
‘Clare,’ Chris smiles.
Clare’s lips tighten and she glares at him.
‘I sent you a text,’ she says angrily. ‘And I just tried to phone you.’
Tom looks uncomfortable.
‘I’ve got no signal,’ Chris says calmly.
Ben is screaming and all I want to do is grab her by the hair and throw her out of my house. I pop my head around the kitchen door and give a little wave.
‘Hi,’ I say, trying to ease the tense atmospher
e. She ignores me and pushes past Tom.
‘Here,’ she says, thrusting Ben on to Chris. ‘He’s been like this all day and I’ve got a splitting headache. He’s all yours.’
I clench my fists until my fingernails bite into my flesh.
‘Can we …?’ begins Tom.
‘No, you can’t,’ she says rudely and strides to the door. ‘I’ll see you back in our house,’ she says to Chris before marching down the drive. Chris shushes Ben and smiles nervously at us.
‘I’m sorry about that,’ he says.
‘Not a problem,’ Tom assures him.
‘I should go.’
‘Yeah, well, thanks for coming over,’ Tom says as he opens the door.
He closes it and I sigh.
‘That was a bit extreme,’ he says, shaking his head.
‘Yes,’ I agree and go back into the kitchen.
‘I feel sorry for that poor guy. She’s bloody neurotic if you ask me.’
Chapter Thirty-Eight
‘We’re going out,’ I say to Ben, handing him a gingerbread man. ‘This is a special treat and when we get back from the doctors you can have another one.’
He hugs me tightly and I’m overwhelmed with love for him. We have forty-five minutes before we leave for the doctors and I use the time to take photographs. I’m just in the middle of setting the timer when my mobile trills. It’s Chris.
‘Hi, how’s it going with Ben?’
‘Great,’ I say hesitantly.
‘I’m really sorry to hassle you but I’m not sure what to do.’
My heart jumps into my mouth. He’s not taking him away from me if that’s what he thinks.
‘The doctors phoned. Apparently Ben has an appointment today for his vaccinations. I’m not sure why Clare forgot. It was for eleven, but they’ve had to push it back to eleven-thirty. The nurse has been taken ill. I know it’s a cheek but would you mind taking him? It’s fine if you’d prefer not to. It’s just I don’t think Clare will check her phone until lunchtime. I’m not sure why she made it for a Tuesday to be honest.’
‘Of course I will,’ I say. I was going to anyway. There was no way I was leaving an important doctor’s appointment to her.
‘Oh that’s great, thanks Sharni. It saves changing the appointment. Do you know the surgery?’
‘No worries. Actually, it’ll give me a push to get the forms so Tom and I can join.’
‘Great, thanks.’ He hangs up, relieved that he’s passed the responsibility on to someone else.
*
‘Hello, I’ve brought Ben for his vaccinations. Mrs Ryan couldn’t make it.’
The receptionist gives us a warm welcoming smile.
‘Ah yes, we have left a message for her. Are you Sharni?’
I nod.
‘Mr Ryan said you would be bringing Ben.’
‘It’s the least I could do. I was surprised though that Clare had made the appointment for a Tuesday as that’s a day she works.’
She studies her computer screen.
‘Well, Mrs Ryan changed the appointment herself.’
I sigh tiredly.
‘She did? Oh dear, I think she’s overworking. She gets very confused about dates these days.’
The receptionist smiles kindly. She’ll never repeat this to Clare. It’s more than her job is worth. But I’ve planted the seed and that’s all that matters. Clare is a bad mother and I want the whole world to know.
‘At least he is here,’ she smiles.
‘Is there anything I should know? I’ll be having him all day you see,’ I say.
‘I’m sure the nurse would be happy to advise you.’
I’ll ask a few other questions while I’m with her. After all, as the person who cares for him most of the week, I should be informed of issues regarding his health.
‘Are you his nanny?’ the nurse asks when I take him into the treatment room.
‘I’m a neighbour,’ I say. ‘I look after Ben while Mrs Ryan works.’
‘Sorry about the appointment change. I’m glad you could bring him.’
Ben hugs his rabbit and I tell him all that we’re going to do after the doctors. He doesn’t even cry and I am so proud of him.
‘There, all done,’ says the nurse. ‘There shouldn’t be a reaction.
‘That’s good to know, thank you. I’m sorry Clare couldn’t bring him but she’s very busy at work.’
The nurse frowns but doesn’t say anything. I leave the treatment room with Ben and thank the reception staff.
‘Let’s go shopping and buy you something very special for being such a brave boy.’
Ben claps his hands.
*
I hear his car pull up and hurriedly pile Ben’s toys into a box. I tip out the toys Clare had left with me. Ben ignores them and continues playing with his new building blocks. I hurry to the door and open it before he knocks.
‘Hi, sorry I’m a bit late,’ he says apologetically.
‘I didn’t notice the time,’ I say. The truth is I hadn’t taken my eye off the clock and had been busy preparing for this visit since we returned from the doctors.
‘I have to be back at four,’ he says.
He’s been drinking. I can smell it on his breath. Tom would never drink during work hours, not even at lunchtime and most certainly not if he was driving.
‘No worries, it won’t take long.’
Edna, across the road is looking out of her window. I couldn’t have planned it better if I’d tried.
‘She clocks everything doesn’t she,’ I say, nodding in her direction.
He raises his eyebrows. A worry frown creases his forehead. He’s anxious the old girl might tell Clare that he came here. It doesn’t look good. Clare and Tom are at work and here I am letting Clare’s husband into the house. He steps nervously into the living room and kisses Ben on the forehead and I have to fight the urge to pull him away.
‘I was going to make a coffee, do you want one before we start?’ I ask.
‘Great thanks.’
I see him looking at the photographs I’d been working on.
‘Ignore the muddle. I’m working on a fashion shoot for L’Oréal.’
‘Wow, that’s impressive,’ he says.
He’s easily impressed.
‘Not really, it sounds more impressive than it is.’
I reluctantly hand him Ben and make the coffee.
‘Thanks for earlier. I don’t know why Clare forgot.’
‘It happens to the best of us.’ I smile but it would never have happened to me.
‘She’s normally on the ball.’
‘Is that right?’ I hear myself say. He looks at me sharply but simply says, ‘Has he been all right since the jabs?’
‘We’ve had lots of cuddles, haven’t we Ben?’
My beautiful darling holds out his hands to me.
‘You’re certainly a hit,’ says Chris.
‘You hang on to him. I’ll get the camera.’
I want to get this over with. I’ve no intention of taking portraits of my beautiful boy for them.
‘Naked photos are best,’ I say, setting up the backdrop. I ignore his surprised look.
‘Naked?’ he repeats.
‘Just your shirt off,’ I say, taking Ben from him. I’m not interested in your puny little body, I want to snap. I remove Ben’s top to encourage him. He looks at the window. He’s worried about Edna.
‘Right,’ he says pulling off his shirt. ‘Clare will love these.’
I don’t respond. If he thinks I’m giving her a cosy family photo he’s mistaken. There’s only one photo I want her to see.
‘I’ve found a great restaurant,’ I say. ‘It’s French, in the West End.’
He nods. He has no idea why I’m telling him this.
‘I’ve booked a table for your anniversary. Tom and I would like to take you out. I thought eight would be a good time. I’ll surprise Clare with the photos.’
He’s struggling not to look surpri
sed.
‘Ah, right,’ he says finally. ‘That’s great, I’ll tell her. We’ll need to get a sitter.’
I position him and begin to take photos. I focus on his torso and tell him how to stand. He’d make a good model.
‘I’ll do a few of you first to get the light right. I don’t want to be fiddling around when I take Ben’s photos or he’ll get agitated.’
He’s uncomfortable but does it anyway. I do them as quickly as I can. I don’t want him in the house longer than necessary.
‘Thanks for that,’ he says. He kisses Ben on the forehead and turns to the door.
‘Thanks for taking those, and for taking Ben to the doctors.’
‘My pleasure,’ I smile.
My jaw aches from so much forced smiling. Finally he’s gone and I breathe a sigh of relief.
Clare barely talks when she collects Ben. She’s slightly early so we’re not quite ready. I hand over his comfort blanket and the carrier bag of her usual stuff and smile.
‘He’s been very good,’ I say, ‘especially at the doctors.’
‘Good,’ she says, forcing a smile. I can tell I’m getting to her.
‘Have a nice evening,’ I say before closing the door.
That evening we hear them arguing again.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
‘I love this,’ Tom says. ‘This would be perfect in the bedroom. Shall we get a print?’
I look at the painting. I don’t really understand it. I’ve never understood modern art.
‘It’s nice,’ I say.
‘Are you okay?’ he says turning to me.
I smile. I can’t say that all I really want is to be with Nathan. He’ll think that I’ve gone off track and demand I go for more counselling. He’ll also stop Clare bringing him to me.
