I don’t turn to know that she left. The door slamming and rattling the walls, followed by the front door and then the squealing tires of her car lets me know that. I stand alone in the office. For the first time, I wonder if I got it all wrong.
“What the fuck just happened?” I run my hands through my hair. Whatever it was, it’s for the best. I have to be on top of my game to get through the next few weeks. I need to focus.
On my bike, I settle my emotions to what I need, and I decide to continue putting nails in the coffin to bury any hopes of what Jazzy and I started between us.
With purpose, I find the one bitch who settles the beast enough to get me over these emotions, forcing them back into my deepest recesses. At the bar in the clubhouse, I approach Feather. “Go to my room and strip yourself bare. It’s going to be rough.” The words are gravel in my throat, but I force them out.
She saunters away and I wait for a moment to calm the nerves that have poisoned me with anger. There is too much to understand why Jazz brought the past back tonight. “Whiskey,” I bark out.
The prospect hands me a glass and I down the first then nod for another. The burn is a welcoming retreat for a few moments. After a few more, my hands have stopped shaking and I turn to leave, with my back to the world and the woman who lit up my life.
In my room, I find Feather naked and waiting for me. She plays with her clit and has a dildo up her ass. She knows that I never have and never will touch her pussy with my dick. I approach the bed and toss my cut and shirt off. My hand fists my cock, stoking it to get it ready. “Ass up.”
Clenching my eyes shut, I think about the brunette I want to hold. The woman with dark eyes and tattooed skin I want to explore. I want Jazz. But I pushed her away because she can’t control me. From my nightstand, I pick up a condom and roll it slowly over my dick. Each second flashes by with thoughts of her. I find the oil and spread it over Feather’s puckered little asshole.
Pushing my weight forward, I dive into my hell. It’s too late to apologize.
Chapter 7
Jazzy
Weeks have flown by with work at the new shop. I wanted a distraction from my problems, but my gut says I’m running out of time. “Hey, prima,” Snake calls from the front reception desk. He uses a nail gun to repair the older fixtures. My hand runs over the wood he has sanded down to a smooth finish. My ability to smell things that are different or intense has changed so much, it’s been incredible.
“You love the smell of wood,” Snake snickers to himself and sends a few more nails into the trim.
“Don’t be an asshole,” I warn halfheartedly. He’s the equivalent of a brother and still acts like he’s fifteen sometimes. What I appreciate the most is he hasn’t brought up what happened with Kilo. We both know how bad that was. He's been by my side as much as possible. The only thing he mentioned was the Prez has Kilo doing business on the road.
“How was my tia?” he asks, genuine concern in his words.
“My mom is doing good. She gave me some paintings for the shop. Can you help me carry them in?”
Snake follows me out to the car and in the trunk are the pictures she painted. My eyes prick at the sight of the paintings. They are tattoos my father had on his body. Snake lays a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “He would love these and what you’re doing. He did awesome tattoos. It’s cool as hell what you’ve accomplished with the shop.”
I pick up the painting of a large black heart with two black birds flying around it. He had the black heart done after he met my mother. He said it was for all the wrongs he did that made him have a black heart, but with her and his club, it was a warning. No one could touch his family. No remorse. A reminder for what mattered in life. “Mom said his name was wrong because she always saw him in many different colors.” I hand Snake the black and white painting I was holding and pull out its opposite, the way my mother saw him, with a heart surrounded by multiple colors swirled inside with the same two black birds.
“He loved you girls, Jazz. The right woman can see who the real man is underneath. He only shared that with you and her because you belonged to him.”
“I suppose so.” Slowly, I exhale the lingering ache his passing has left. Years later, I still miss him. Still talk to him when I need to share or want his help. Sometimes, I swear it’s as if I can feel him in the air.
Together, we hang the large black heart painting in the reception area with the others she sent. The colored heart is hung in my office. Throughout the day, we share details of what has been going on. “Jenn needed her brand done from Saint. It was good to get away from the work here. These last few months have been hard opening.” I don’t tell him what happened with Spider, probably more for myself than him. I push those feelings so far away, I wish they would never see the light again. “I spent the next few days taking on some appointments they had scheduled at their shop. It was quiet. But Blade asked me something that surprised me.”
Snake perks up from the desk he’s been oiling. “He wanted me to consider moving up there. Or at least part time, to help them run Battle Born Tattoos.” I stalled, because I would have considered it before the fight I had with Spider. And with the baby…
“But,” Snake prompts.
Sitting the broom against the wall, I collapse into a chair. “Spider is an asshole. I don’t want to be near him. I would have done it because Blade did offer it to be worth my time. It would have helped me finance this place. I could work both, or if I’m busy enough, I could quit the salon.”
“Jazzy,” Snake blurts out, “what the hell is going on? When did you let a man decide your business choices for you? I heard about you hooking up. Did he do something to you?”
Shit, I’ve never been the type who’s good at lying. He gives me an impatient look, wanting me to get on with it. If I lied to him, it would break our bond, and I can’t afford to do that. “He didn’t do anything wrong, per se. I made mistakes when it came to him too. Bottom line, I found out I’m pregnant, and when I went up there, I was going to tell him. But he acted like a major asshole and said really shitty things. I let my emotions get the better of me and pushed him away. It wouldn’t be good for me. So no, business-wise, I could handle it. But the drama wouldn’t be good for the baby. I’m staying here.”
“Hear you.” Snake’s face tenses just a bit, his only giveaway when he’s on the verge of planning his next move.
“Stay out of it,” I warn. “I can handle the mess I’ve made. I can raise a baby on my own. I don’t even know if I can tell him right now without a gun in my hand and shooting him afterward because we seem to want to kill each other. Lesson learned.”
“If he wasn’t a member, I would say fuck him. But since it’s Spider, that asshole needs to know. I am going to tell you this—tell him sooner rather than later,” Snake cautions. They feel keeping information is a lie, and I get that, but I need some time to calm down, and it should be done face-to-face.
Rubbing my hands over my forehead, I concede. “I should have done it before I left, but I was so pissed off. This long-distance thing makes it harder.”
“Get. It. Done. Nothing good comes from holding it in.”
I nod and pop up from my seat to finish cleaning up. Before we walk out, I hold my fist out and Snake bumps mine with his. “This place is badass. I can’t wait to open next week.”
“I got first dibs in your chair, right? And unlimited free tattoos for life,” he adds.
“What the hell are you talking about? Of course, you can be the first, and when have you ever paid for a tattoo?”
He shrugs, giving me a coy smile while we lock up on our way out. On my drive home, my phone pings several times with messages from Kilo. Non-stop. I knew the storm was still brewing, and I was right. When I get to the front door of my apartment complex, Kilo is waiting for me.
With a long, hard swallow, I steel myself for what I could face. The man I thought I knew, I don’t know at all anymore. I’ve never feared any of the Bat
tle Born men, but he’s changed and so have I. Tears sting the corners of my eyes and I bat them away, the betrayal running thick in my veins like poison.
His face is hard and unforgiving, The look of a man with no remorse, not of a friend or a lover. There is only one way through and it’s to be stronger and smarter than him. I’ve left things open, hoping he would pick up on the hints and run off. Especially after what I did, I had hoped it would be enough for him to move on. Snake brought in some new girls for him to play with, but that hasn’t worked. One thing about these men, they are possessive, and our relationship has been too involved for too long. I should have left him for good years ago when he first cheated on me. I was hurt, and because I was so young, I avoided the problem.
We’d been great friends and I couldn’t lose that. Or so I thought. It wouldn’t matter what I needed, he would be there, and we both abused that power. After I got over what happened, we started an open relationship. I didn’t pay attention to some very real truths. It was real for Kilo. In his eyes, I was his woman, and even though he screwed around, I was his end game. My heart hammers in my chest. How will he respond to me being pregnant with someone else’s baby?
I hold my breath when I get out of the car and bend over to grab my bag from the back seat. His hands are warm, and his grip is tight on my hips. “Where the hell have you been?”
Standing up, my back brushes against his hard chest. Chills cover my skin. I’m in a bad situation, and it’s no one’s fault but my own.
Chapter 8
Spider
At my desk, I scan through the web trying to find connections to help solve our problems. In the weeks that passed since the last time Jazz and I were together, I questioned my actions. Around her, I lose perspective. I went on the attack, assuming she would crumble under the pressure. To what? Prove that I was right, that she’s in it for a good time with whoever? It caught me off guard that she was there. There was just too much going on to fight for her. Until I knew I could keep her safe, I was holding on. But at every turn, it just keeps getting worse and the more I believe I was right to wait. We are not only one kiss but a touch away from killing ourselves and everyone around us.
The weight of responsibility has held me underwater, Suffocating me in doubt. Shaking off the nagging in my head on constant repeat, I concentrate on work, determined to end this battle. The threats have gone quiet, but the animal is still out there waiting to attack us. Kat has been feeding me information she has for us to take down our enemies. It just so happens that her enemies are the same as ours and the cartel.
My eyes start to squint from the glare of the screen. Exhaustion has been slowly creeping up on me. Stretching, my spine pops and my muscles lengthen. Taking off my glasses, I rub my hands over my face, the possible motives still swimming around in my head. Can I stand to lose another brother? I’ve pushed myself to keep that from happening. If I can get the information, I can save someone from a fate I never wish to relive.
The shake in my hands first tells me that I’m losing myself to the past. The dreams have been haunting me more frequently. Sleeping was near impossible. If I could change the past, I would. My deepest regret is not helping my brother when I should have. Where would he have been if I would have done more for him?
I can’t slow down. I cannot lose control of myself. Jumping up from my seat, I lock down the emotions that want to erupt and stomp over to the bar to wind down. My knuckles rap on the bar top. The woman behind the counter pours scotch into a glass from my personal bottle that I keep behind the bar.
Sitting in my seat, I sip the bitter liquid, keeping my glass high and my elbow on the bar. Scanning the area, I watch the scene. Weed is passed around the pool tables along with shots and beers. The girls are topless, only in G-strings. The smell of sweat, sex, smoke, and alcohol cloud the air. Shit, how long have I been working? Looking down at my watch, I find it's well past two in the morning.
Some members are passed out on the couches, while others fuck in the main room, putting on a show for those wanting to watch or participate. The club girl makes a show of pushing her hips back against the brother ramming her from behind. She moans, throwing her head back when she reaches down to rub her pussy. My cock twitches at the sight when her cum runs down the inside of her thigh. It’s fucking hot and my temperature skyrockets in seconds.
Dropping my glass to the bar, I wait for them to finish, but the sound of scotch pouring captures my attention. The woman behind the bar gives me a ‘come fuck me’ gleam. I consider how tired I actually am. Visions of Jazz naked and squeezing my cock with her cunt almost have me turning her down. My lips part slightly to whisper dirty thoughts of what I want. A hand comes down and a man slides onto the stool next to me, breaking me free of my actions.
“Beer, sweet cheeks.” Cowboy delivers the effortless charm to her. “You keep working this many hours, you’ll burn out.”
“Don’t have a choice,” I snap. She moves to take the bottle back, but my hand stops her and I rest the bottle next to me. “We need answers.” Taking a slow slip, I listen to Cowboy drone on about work and I tune him out. The empty pit inside grows darker. Time is running out, and there isn’t much I can do to answer the anxiety crawling from within. His bullshit talk about bikes just irritates me further.
I pull out a small stack of cash from my pocket and my phone. Tossing the bartender a few bills, I notice a missed voicemail. Ignoring Cowboy, I open the message and listen to it to play. Jazzy’s voice fills my ears but rage consumes any rationalization I had.
“You don’t want to be alone, Jazz. You aren’t the type of woman who can be alone. You need the security of a man to be there.”
“You have never been ‘there’, Kilo. You’ve been halfway out the entire time we were together. I can and will be alone.”
The room erupts in cheers and it's hard to hear with the noise.
“I would for you. When are you going to stop making me pay for it? I gave you a year to move on. Then you insisted that we see other people. Now I’m the one who’s wrong?”
“Fuck!” I roar, not wanting to hear another word. Cowboy doesn't flinch when I throw my glass across the room, past his head, hitting the opposite wall. The small shards splinter and erupt, scattering across the room. The entire room goes silent except for the music being played into the backdrop of my life. I never knew how much I missed her until I realized I never really had her, which makes me the biggest hypocrite of all. I was never faithful. Why did I expect her to be?
Snatching my bottle, I fill another glass and drink until there is nothing I can remember. Fuck bitches.
Earlier that day…
Jazzy
With Kilo at my back, I try my best to relax. He can smell fear, and to pull this off, he can’t find any weaknesses. “Kilo, there hasn’t been any point in talking. What has happened between us has put a stop to whatever it was we had. It’s best if we go our separate ways.” The keys in my hand clink together with the tight grip I have on them.
“Bella, let me come upstairs to apologize. We’ve known each other too long to just say it's over on the sidewalk.” Kilo watches my face intently. He knows how to play me, as he always reminds me of what he believes we are. I used to believe his words, but it’s not just me anymore. “I took it too far. Let me inside, so we can put this behind us the right way.”
Doubt crawls over me. Could I have been wrong in what I felt? He plays the part so well, and for so long, what hides beneath was a mystery. I take a step back toward the door. Anxiety chokes my voice, hands slamming against the car holding me captive. I want to scream at the pain he’s caused. My chest rises with exertion and I fight past the fear. Stay on course… be stronger… I can get out of this.
My phone rings in my back pocket and I use it as a distraction to work with. Snake's name flashes across the screen and I answer his call. “You home already? I heard that you may have company,” Snake questions.
“Yeah, Kilo is here. Were you still st
opping by for a haircut in a few minutes?”
“Yep, I’m on my way. Pass the phone to Kilo.”
I unlock my door and he follows closely behind as I try to open it. Kilo’s face heats in frustration. He says a few words to Snake before the call disconnects. Keep it cool, keep it together, I repeat in my head over and over. Shuffling through my door, I set my stuff down on the coffee table and dodge the move he makes to get close to me. He raised his hand as if he wanted to pull me into his lap. There’s no way. I swiftly swing to the left side of the room and sit across from him in the small recliner.
Kilo rests his arm over the back of the couch, and he holds my gaze. It’s too much and the shiver that runs through my body is cold hard fear. The satisfied gleam in his eyes shows his excitement. Kilo is an animal I never opened my eyes to. The years had desensitized me to what I was playing with—a killer. “What do you want from me?”
“What do you mean, what do I want, Kilo?”
“What do I have to do to get us back on track?” he asked.
“That’s what it is for you, what’s my price or offer to negotiate what it will take for me to forget the hurt that you’ve caused? What have I signed myself up for? There isn’t a price on your soul. I need to be alone.”
“You don’t want to be alone, Jazz. You aren’t the type of woman who can be alone.” His lip lifts like he knows he’s got me. “You need the security of man to be there.”
“You have never been ‘there’, Kilo. You’ve been halfway out the entire time we were together. I can and will be alone.”
“We were kids, Bella. I made a mistake. If it’s that you want me to be only with you, I can try. I would for you. When are you going to stop making me pay for it?” His voice raises. “I gave you a year to move on. Then you insisted that we see other people. Now I’m the one who’s wrong? You set this up how you wanted and now you act as if it wasn’t you. Stop the games, Jazz, and admit your part.” His arm comes up and drops my phone on the top of the couch.
Claiming His Forever (Battle Born MC Book 8) Page 5
