An Impossible Confession

by Sandra Heath

  As she stepped into the chandelier-lit hall, however, she was jolted from her listlessness by the sudden appearance of a desperately anxious Morris. ‘Oh, you’re home at last, Miss Fairmead! Please come quickly, the mistress is very upset indeed, and I’m afraid she’ll make herself ill.’

  Helen looked at him in astonishment, and then alarm. ‘What’s wrong? Has something happened to the colonel?’

  ‘The colonel came home earlier, miss, and then he ordered his horse, riding off with considerable haste to Windsor.’

  ‘Windsor? But what on earth for?’

  ‘I don’t know, miss, but I do know that the mistress was close to hysteria when he rode off. Her maid managed to calm her a little, but she’s still weeping and distressed.’

  Helen unpinned her hat and tossed it onto a table. ‘Where is she?’

  ‘In the drawing room, miss. She won’t retire to her bed, no matter how much we try to persuade her.’

  Pulling off her gloves as well, Helen laid them beside the hat and then hurried to the drawing room. What on earth could have happened? She could hear Margaret’s unconsolable sobs before she opened the door, and as she entered, Margaret’s maid looked up from where she was kneeling by a sofa. Margaret was lying face down, her face hidden in the sofa cushions, and her whole body was racked with shuddering sobs. The maid got up and stepped aside as Helen hurried across the candlelit room.

  ‘Margaret? Margaret, what’s wrong? Please tell me what’s happened.’ She knelt in concern, putting a hand on her sister’s shaking shoulders.

  The sobs stopped abruptly, and for a long moment Margaret lay without moving, then slowly she sat up, turning her tear-stained face toward Helen and brushing her hand away. Her eyes were angry, and there was a bitter twist on her lips. ‘How can you ask me that? How can you possibly pretend you don’t know what’s wrong?’

  Helen stared uncomprehendingly at her. ‘I – I don’t understand.’

  ‘I know all about your sordid liaison with Adam Drummond. I heard you talking to your maid just before you rode off to meet him. Oh, yes, I know that’s where you’ve been now – Gregory got it out of the maid. How could you do it, Helen? How could you slyly meet that man while living under this roof? Have you no shame? No sense of loyalty and honor? What did they teach you in Cheltenham? How to be little better than a demimondaine? How swiftly did you surrender to his advances, Helen? At the first approach? Or was it the second? One thing’s certain, it didn’t take him long to make a wanton of you!’

  Numb, Helen drew back in dismay. The accusing words beat against her like blows, and the scathing resentment in her sister’s tone cut into her like a knife.

  Margaret’s eyes flickered toward the hovering maid. ‘Leave us.’

  ‘But, madam….’

  ‘I said leave us!’ cried Margaret, her voice rising.

  ‘Yes, madam.’ The maid scuttled out, closing the door softly behind her.

  Margaret’s furiously reproachful gaze swung back to Helen. ‘You’ve been a snake in our bosom, a viper, enjoying our love and hospitality, then betraying us with him! Are you so besotted with him that you enjoy making us the objects of derision throughout society?’

  ‘It – it hasn’t been like that at all….’ began Helen, struggling to steady herself.

  ‘Hasn’t it? How else can it be interpreted?’ snapped Margaret, getting agitatedly to her feet, her coral wrap hissing angrily, like the snake she’d just likened Helen to. ‘When I first realized what you were up to, I couldn’t believe it. Oh, I was angry, but I just wanted to save you from yourself, and from him! Now I’ve had time to think about it, and I see you for what you really are – a sly, deceitful, disloyal chienne, undeserving of any sympathy or love!’

  ‘Please, Margaret, if you’ll only let me explain….’

  ‘Let you try to talk yourself out of it, you mean,’ replied Margaret, whirling about to face her. ‘Very well, let’s hear your excuses, I’m sure they’ll be enterprising.’

  Helen closed her eyes for a moment, for that was the second time this evening she’d been accused of lying cleverly.

  ‘Well? I’m listening.’

  ‘I haven’t been disloyal to you by meeting Adam, because he didn’t do what you accuse him of.’

  ‘My, my, either he’s gulled you completely or you think me addlebrained.’

  ‘He didn’t do it, Margaret!’ cried Helen, rising to her feet from where she was kneeling by the sofa. ‘He didn’t do anything to harm you and Gregory last year. Ralph St John was the real villain.’

  Margaret stared at her, and then gave a derisive laugh. ‘Oh, I might have known you’d turn on poor Ralph! It’s the obvious thing to do in your position, for he won’t be here to defend himself, will he? I didn’t think you’d sink so low, Helen, but on reflection, I suppose you’re running true to form. You were low enough to pretend to invite his attentions when all the time you were seeing Adam, so why should you not try to heap the blame for your lover’s sins on to him as well?’

  ‘You’re wrong about Ralph St John, Margaret.’

  ‘I don’t want to hear any more.’

  ‘Ralph is so sunk in vice that there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to have his own way, and to punish those who offend him!’

  ‘Enough! I won’t hear any more from you!’

  ‘Margaret….’

  ‘I said enough!’ Margaret’s control snapped, and she struck Helen sharply across the cheek, her fingers leaving angry marks.

  Helen’s head snapped back and her breath caught. Rubbing her stinging skin, she backed away a little. ‘I don’t deserve this,’ she whispered, ‘and no matter what you think, Adam is innocent of everything.’

  Margaret was a little shaken at what she’d done. She pressed her trembling hands against the folds of her wrap, her tongue passing over her dry lips. ‘Innocent? That’s not how his seduction of your innocence should be described,’ she said quietly.

  ‘He hasn’t seduced me.’

  ‘I suppose you’re bound to say that.’

  ‘It happens to be true. Margaret, if anyone has set out to seduce, it’s me. I wanted him so much I was prepared to set all propriety aside in order to pursue him.’

  Margaret drew a long, shuddering breath. ‘Do you honestly expect me to believe that? He’s a man of the world – experienced, attractive, sure of himself – and you are a green girl, just out of school. Have done with all this foolishness, Helen; admit that he’s far from the knight in shining armor you’re pretending he is. He embarked upon your seduction, and you succumbed. That’s all there is to it, and nothing you say now will change my mind on it. Why should it, when you’ve proven yourself a liar of the highest order?’

  ‘Oh, Margaret, you’re so very wrong,’ whispered Helen. ‘Please believe me, for I’m telling the truth. Let me explain about Ralph, and why he did all those things, let me tell you the real reason why he’s being forced to return to Jamaica immediately with his father….’

  ‘And let me explain where Gregory has gone now,’ interrupted Margaret, her voice thick with emotion. ‘He’s gone to seek out your precious Adam, to call him out for what he’s done to you.’

  Stunned, Helen stared disbelievingly at her. ‘No. No, that can’t be so, it mustn’t be so!’

  ‘It is so. Your deceit and selfishness have brought us to this, Helen Fairmead, and I hope you’re proud of yourself.’ Margaret turned and went to the bellpull, tugging it.

  Helen was still standing dazedly where she was as Morris hurried in. ‘Madam?’

  Margaret didn’t turn to face him. ‘Escort Miss Fairmead to her room, Morris, and post a footman at her door to see that she doesn’t leave.’

  The butler gaped. ‘M-Madam?’

  ‘I believe I spoke clearly enough, Morris. It is the colonel’s wish that my sister is kept under strict guard, so I would be obliged if you would do as you are instructed.’

  ‘Yes, madam.’ Hesitantly, the butler turned toward Helen, who had recov
ered a little from her initial shock and looked imploringly at Margaret. ‘You cannot mean to lock me up!’

  ‘Oh, I mean to, Helen, for how else can we be sure you aren’t slipping away to your lover? Morris, take her to her room, if you please.’

  The unhappy butler came to take Helen’s arm. ‘Begging your pardon, miss, but I must do as I’m commanded.’

  There was nothing she could do but allow him to remove her from the room. As they reached the door, Margaret spoke again. ‘I shall never forgive you for this, Helen. Never.’

  Helen didn’t say anything; indeed, what was there for her to say? Margaret wouldn’t believe a word of the truth, and with Gregory bent upon challenging Adam to a duel, what point was there in trying to explain that all their conclusions were the wrong ones? She could only hope that when Gregory came face to face with Adam, and learned Adam’s side of it, he wouldn’t feel there was any point in fighting for the nonexistent honor and reputation of his wayward sister-in-law. Adam was bound to repeat his version of her conduct, and that would certainly leave Gregory without any just cause to throw down the gauntlet on her behalf.

  Morris lit the candles in her room before withdrawing and carefully locking the door on the outside. Still shaken to the very core by all that had happened in so very short and bitter a space of time, she went slowly out onto the balcony, looking out over the dark park. The scent of summer flowers was sweet in the air, and the remnants of the sunset stained the western sky a dull crimson. She heard the footman taking up his position outside her door, and she lowered her eyes sadly, knowing that Margaret had indeed meant every word she’d said.

  Taking a deep breath, she went back into the room, looking at her disheveled reflection in the wall mirrors. Her likeness seemed to gaze forlornly back from all sides, a crumpled, disheartened figure in a mustard riding habit she’d never want to wear again. Suddenly she despised the beautiful garment, knowing that the very sight of it would always bring back the memory of this awful day. She began to undo the buttons, stepping out of the habit and then tossing it aside, for the very touch of the fine cloth offended her now. Hurrying to the wardrobe, she selected a simple white muslin chemise gown, and in a short while had changed her riding boots for little satin bottines and was seated before the dressing table, dragging her brush through her hair as if with every stroke she eliminated one of the many problems besetting her; except that she wasn’t eliminating anything at all, her problems were such that they’d remain with her for the rest of her life. And all because of one man’s singular and perverse spite.

  How long she’d sat there alone before the dressing table, she didn’t really know, but at last she heard hoofbeats approaching the house. Hurrying to the balcony, she was just in time to see Gregory riding along the drive. What time was it? She turned, going swiftly to the riding habit to remove her watch. It was gone midnight. Slowly she pinned the watch to the bodice of her gown, moving to sit on the edge of her bed. Would anyone come to tell her what had happened?

  The minutes seemed to tick endlessly by, but at last she heard Gregory’s step at the door. The key turned and he came in. He looked tired and drawn, and there was the same bitterness in his eyes that she’d seen earlier in Margaret’s.

  She rose hesitantly to her feet. ‘Gregory?’

  ‘I trust you’re well pleased with yourself, madam.’

  ‘Please don’t think badly of me, Gregory.’

  ‘I know of precious little to commend you.’

  She swallowed. ‘I – I know what Adam believes of me, but I swear it isn’t true.’

  ‘I have no idea what he believes of you, for he didn’t express an opinion.’

  She looked quickly at him. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘I waited for him at his address in King Henry Crescent, and when he eventually arrived, I faced him with his despicable advances toward you.’

  ‘But, he didn’t,’ she whispered brokenly. ‘He didn’t do anything to me.’

  ‘On the contrary, he gave me to believe that he had indeed been set on seducing you.’

  She stared at him, taken completely by surprise. ‘That can’t be so,’ she said haltingly.

  ‘It’s very much so. He then said that he had no wish to accept my challenge, but I naturally gave him no choice. You are my sister-in-law, Helen, you’re just nineteen years old, and until you met him, you were completely innocent and unversed in the ways of the world. By his actions, he set out to ruin you, and for that he must face the consequences. A duel will take place at dawn. We meet with pistols at five o’clock in Herne’s Glade.’

  Weakly, she put out a hand to steady herself on the post of the bed. ‘Gregory, this is all madness. He’s lying; he didn’t set out to seduce me.’ She was so upset, her voice was shaking. Tears filled her eyes, and confused disbelief numbed her thoughts.

  ‘I know you’re lying to try to save him, Helen.’

  She rounded on him then. ‘Save him? I want to save you both, you’re both dear to me! I know that your army training has made an excellent shot of you, Gregory, but I also know that he is very accurate indeed, for he saved my life again this evening, this time from Lord Swag. Oh, I’m not going to try to explain it all now, I just want you to know that this duel cannot be allowed to go ahead, because your opinion of him, and your interpretation of his actions, are based on Ralph St John’s lies! Adam hasn’t done anything to damage y‘I’m not prepared to argue, Helen, my mind is made up on tour honor, Gregory, nor has he attempted to ruin me. You must believe me, for I’m telling the truth!’

  ‘Margaret told me you were attempting to shift the blame onto Ralph.’

  ‘Because the blame is Ralph’s!’ she cried, her fists clenching with helpless frustration. The tears were wet on her cheeks now. ‘Please, Gregory, look at me and know I’m not lying!’

  ‘I look at you, and see a woman who’s desperate to spare her lover.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘I’m not prepared to argue, Helen, my mind is made up on the matter. Drummond and I will face each other at dawn, and in the meantime you will remain in this room. It is my intention to remove you from the gossip that’s bound to result from the duel, whatever its outcome, and to that end I have already written to my aunt in Northumberland. You will be sent there within the week, and you’ll remain there until she judges you to be fit to try and salvage what’s left of your foolish life. By permitting him such liberties, Helen, you’ve brought ruin upon yourself, and shame upon this house.’ Turning on his heel, he walked from the room. The key turned once more, and she heard his limping steps moving away along the passage.

  She sank weakly to her knees, hiding her face in her hands. This couldn’t be happening, it just couldn’t. How was it possible that her harmless decision to masquerade as the widowed Mrs Brown had led to a duel at dawn between the two men she loved best in all the world?

  CHAPTER 22

  It was one o’clock by her watch, and Helen paced restlessly up and down in her room, trying to think of a solution to this most dire of problems yet. She had only four hours in which to somehow stop the duel; but how? If only she could think of something, but she was so distracted she couldn’t even think why Adam had virtually invited the duel. He had only to have shown Gregory the letter Ralph had written to him for all thought of fighting over her honor to be dropped. Gregory could hardly have pressed for a meeting at dawn over a woman who’d apparently forfeited all claim to any honor. Instead, Adam had allowed Gregory to think she’d been seduced, or was in the process of being seduced, and that had been the signal for the duel to become a certainty. She’d like to have thought Adam’s action had been a gentlemanly gesture in order to salvage what remained of her good name, but as she continued to pace up and down, she began to realize that that wasn’t the case at all; the cause of this duel went beyond anything to do with her, it went back to the business of Prince Agamemnon the year before. The simmering bitterness of the past twelve months lay behind this confrontation, not the qu
estion of her virtue.

  Her pacing halted suddenly. Yes, this was all really to do with what had been done to Prince Agamemnon, and if it could only be proved that Adam had had nothing to do with it, then surely Gregory would retract, especially if she told the whole truth about how she’d conducted herself since the moment she left Cheltenham. There was no point in attempting to carry out the second item if the first hadn’t been accomplished, for unless Margaret and Gregory understood and accepted that Adam’s conduct had been exemplary during the racing scandal, then they wouldn’t be prepared to believe his behavior had been similarly exemplary where she was concerned. She was the one whose conduct was questionable, and now the onus was on her to do all she possibly could to stop a duel that had been brought about by misunderstanding.

  She began to pace again. She bore a share of the guilt, for she’d lied to Adam, but by far the greatest responsibility for all that had happened lay with Ralph St John. If anyone should pay a price, it should be he! Oh, if only she had a trump as compelling and sure as his father had had, something that would force Ralph to confess his many sins.

  For the second time her agitated pacing stopped, for suddenly the solution was crystal clear in her mind; she did have a trump, she had the very same trump! St John Senior’s words came back to her. ‘If I hear of anything else he’s done, I’ll disinherit him anyway, for I cannot and will not endure behavior as disgraceful as his….’ At the ball, she’d declined to tell Ralph’s father everything because she’d wanted to spare the old man’s feelings, but lives were at stake now, and such fine sentiments had to be discarded. The threat of disinheritance had proved more than a little effective when first applied, and she saw no reason why it shouldn’t prove equally effective a second time. She could threaten to tell poor Mr St John everything his son had done, and was continuing to do, and she had no doubt that such revelations would cause Ralph to be cut off without a penny. He still had Lady Bowes-Fenton’s secret to barter with; Helen thought for a long moment and then knew that Adam’s sister would have to suffer any consequences, for it was the lesser of two evils, the other evil being the possibility of Adam’s death, or Gregory’s, or both. But maybe it wouldn’t come to that, for hopefully Ralph would prefer not to risk disinheritance.