by Nicci French
‘So who?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Who do you suspect?’
‘Nobody. I’m not here to name people like that. I’m here because I think Poppy’s witnessed something and you need to find out what.’
‘I’ve got two children myself,’ the detective said. ‘I share your impulse to protect your child. As a mother, I feel the same. I understand your fears. I also know that children are…’ She seemed to be searching for the right word. ‘Imaginative.’
‘You mean they make things up?’
‘I mean imaginative. And therefore, to some extent, unreliable. If I believed everything that my daughter Layla said, I’d have gone mad long ago.’
‘So you’re not going to investigate?’
‘Tess – is it OK if I call you Tess?’
‘Of course.’
‘Good. Tess, what is there to investigate? If there were a death you thought was suspicious, we would look at that. But there’s not only no suspect, there’s not even a crime. I can’t just send my officers out to look for one.’
‘Why not?’
I sounded like a child. Jordan stood up.
‘Since you’re not a journalist or a politician, can I tell you a dirty little secret? We’re so short-staffed here that there are whole categories of crime we don’t even investigate. There are some forms of theft that we don’t even send an officer to. It’s difficult enough doing the ones we’re actually doing. Being here with you, talking about a crime that doesn’t seem to exist, has meant that I’ – she looked at her watch – ‘am almost fifteen minutes late for a meeting about a current murder inquiry that has a real body and a number of very real suspects.’
I stood up as well. ‘So you’re saying I should just drop it?’
Jordan took a card from her pocket and handed it to me. ‘This is my direct line. You can always call me.’
‘You mean, if I find something?’
‘For goodness sake, don’t go playing the detective,’ she said. ‘In fact, don’t do anything except look after yourself and your daughter.’
‘You probably think I’m being ridiculous. I probably am being ridiculous. I’ve already taken up too much of your time.’
‘That’s all right. And if an actual crime occurs, you have my number.’ Jordan held out her hand and I shook it. ‘It’s impossible with children. You never know if you’re doing the right thing, but in the end things mostly don’t go too badly.’
‘Except when they do.’
‘That’s when we get called.’
‘I tried that,’ I said.
‘It hasn’t turned out badly yet.’
‘I hope not.’
* * *
Maybe the detective was right, I thought as I walked home. I even spoke the words aloud: ‘Maybe she’s right.’ I collected Poppy and Jake from nursery and tried to ask them in a relaxed tone how the day had been and they were uncommunicative in a way that seemed normal enough. At home, they ran around and shouted while I put a pizza in the oven and made a salad.
When Laurie came to collect Jake, Nellie fast asleep in the buggy, he ruffled the top of Poppy’s head and bent towards his son. They looked alike: slender, with silky dark hair and blue eyes. Gina was tall and her hair was a dark blond, cropped bristle short.
‘Hi, little guy. How’s your day been?’ he asked.
I waited, half-expecting Jake to start crying or to repeat something shocking that Poppy had said to him, but he just held up the little stuffed rabbit that he carried around with him all day and slept with at night.
Laurie stood up again. ‘How are things with you, Tess?’
He always asked me that. When Jason and I had separated, Gina had been one of the friends I’d turned to most for comfort and support. She had come to the house in Brixton and helped me pack up my things, hauling cases and boxes into her waiting car. She’d tried to make it into an adventure, determinedly upbeat. I remembered the first night Poppy and I had spent in the flat, and Gina and Nadine and a couple of other friends had come round with a takeaway. We’d sat on the floor, eating Thai food out of foil containers and drinking cheap red wine from mugs. Gina had lifted her mug and they’d toasted our new home and Gina had said: ‘Remember, Tess, you’re not alone. You’ve got us.’
She was someone I could say anything to, no matter how intimate, and feel I wouldn’t be judged. But I sometimes suspected that Gina had shared some of my secrets with Laurie, and he might know more than I wanted him to about my mistakes, my hurts and humiliations, rages and moments of disgrace. I looked at his smiling face and wondered what he’d say if I told him that I was seriously worried about Poppy, that today I had talked to a therapist and had also gone to a police station and talked to a detective.
‘Fine,’ I said breezily. ‘How about you?’
‘Knackered,’ he said. ‘Me and Nellie spent the day with my mother. She wore us out.’ He bent down to the buggy and spoke in a coo. ‘Didn’t she, Nell?’ I waited for his daughter to wake up and bellow. ‘She insisted we take her dog for a walk and I thought we’d be late.’
‘You didn’t need to worry. We’re not going anywhere.’
‘Thanks.’
He kissed me on the cheek; I felt the graze of his stubble and a puff of warm breath. Eucalyptus, I thought.
After Laurie and Jake had gone, I kept a close eye on Poppy as she pottered around, had her bath, was read to in bed, tucked up, the light switched off. Was she being a bit louder than usual? Was she a bit too clingy? Was she more fearful than usual when the bedroom light was switched off?
I asked myself these questions as I lay waiting for sleep to drag me down. Probably every child seemed strange in one way or another, if you looked at them closely enough.
EIGHT
On the following day, Jason had arranged to have Poppy. He usually had her once during the week, and although I’d often felt anxious about unsettling her, it was what he and I had agreed when we decided to part. It was what was fair. We were determined to be fair, to be civilised, to do it right.
Normally Jason collected Poppy from Gina and Laurie’s but while I was still at school, setting things out for the next day, I got a text from him: Work problem. Can you bring Poppy?
I texted back: You mean to your house?
Yes.
Would you rather she didn’t come today?
No.
You mean no she shouldn’t come today?
I mean no she should come today.
I swore under my breath. I was meant to be seeing a film with Aidan, so I exchanged more texts with him, making the arrangement for later in the evening.
Everything was a rush. Even so, when I collected Poppy, I paused to ask how things had been. Gina, who had left work early and who was now holding Nellie against her and jiggling slightly every time she was in danger of waking, just shrugged and said in a half-whisper that it had been fine.
‘Did Poppy do any drawing?’
‘No. They were both exhausted and Nellie’s been a monster. I’ve only just got her to sleep, so I gave them some toast and honey and popped them in front of a cartoon.’
Usually Jason and I arranged things, in an unspoken way, to avoid me having to come to his Brixton home, which until recently had been mine as well. When we separated, Jason took out a mortgage so that he could buy me out. It felt strange to be walking past the shops that had been my local shops, the greengrocer and the deli where they would greet me by my name. I noticed that there was a new bakery. It felt strange to approach my house, which wasn’t my house. It felt strange to ring the doorbell. And it felt strange when my old front door opened and Emily was there, all welcoming smiles. She invited us in, she hugged Poppy, she put a hand on my arm when she was talking to me, she laughed at nothing.
She laughed too much, I thought, and smiled too much, and was too eager to please. Is that what Jason wanted, I wondered?
As Emily led us through to the kitchen – as if we didn’t know the way
– and put the kettle on and poured juice for Poppy, there was a scrabbling sound at the kitchen door.
‘You can’t make up your mind whether to come in or go out,’ said Emily fondly to the door.
‘What?’
She pulled the door open and a creature not much larger than Sunny with coarse grey hair and a stubby tail hurtled in.
‘Dog!’ shouted Poppy.
‘He arrived on Monday,’ said Emily to me. She turned to Poppy. ‘This is Roxie.’
Poppy flopped down on the floor and put her arms around the animal, who stared at her with its baleful eyes.
‘I thought Jason hated dogs.’
I said it and then immediately regretted it. But I’d talked of getting a dog and Jason had always said no.
‘She’s not ours,’ said Emily. ‘She’s just a guest. Aren’t you?’
Poppy gave the top of Roxie’s head a little scratch.
‘Who does she belong to? Careful, Poppy, I don’t think she likes you doing that very much.’
‘Oh, it’s OK. Poppy and Roxie are making friends. Come and have some juice, honeybunch,’ said Emily. ‘It’s in your special cup!’
Poppy’s special cup was decorated with elephants and she held it with both hands as if she were even younger than three.
Honeybunch, I thought. I felt resentful and then angry with myself for feeling resentful. I hated seeing my old kitchen with the blue curtains I’d made but also with a gleaming new fridge. How could they afford a fridge like that when I could barely pay my heating bills? I hated the coats hanging in the hall that weren’t mine, though it was me who had found the coat stand in a skip and repaired it. I hated the dog, because Poppy’s face shone with delight as she patted it. I hated that Emily was so at home there. But, after all, it was her home. I hated that Emily was so young, still in her twenties I guessed, and lovely looking, a face round and soft as a peach. In fact her whole body was soft and curved and gentle. It made me feel thin and bony and harsh. And cross as well, which I had no right to feel because Jason had insisted that he’d met Emily after we parted. If Jason had married Emily when we’d told each other for years that marriage was unimportant, an outmoded patriarchal institution, and what was important was being in love, making a daily choice to stay together, and having a child together, then that wasn’t Emily’s fault.
Emily put a mug of tea in front of me and a small jug of milk beside it.
‘Nice jug,’ I said.
‘I was on a course,’ said Emily. ‘It’s just a silly little thing I managed to make.’
I heard some footsteps upstairs.
‘Is Jason here?’
‘No,’ said Emily. ‘It’s my brother. Have you met Ben?’
‘No.’ Because why would I have met her brother?
‘He’s staying here for a while. He had a few problems.’
‘What do you mean? What kind of problems?’
‘It’s nothing. He’s just here while he sorts a few things out. Roxie belongs to him. She was with a friend of his for a few days, but Ben missed her so Jason gave in.’
‘How long’s he been here?’
‘How long?’ Emily looked surprised by the question.
‘Yes. When did he arrive?’
‘Last Friday.’
I heard the sound of the front door opening and a voice shouting a greeting. Roxie stood up and started growling. She had pointy yellow teeth.
It was Jason and I felt once again that coming here had been a bad idea. He entered the kitchen in his work suit, his tie loosened. He picked up Poppy and lifted her almost to the ceiling. She shrieked with excited fear. He put her down and kissed Emily and murmured something to her. He glared at the dog, who glared back. He nodded at me and I felt horribly alone and lonely in this scene of domestic intimacy. It was as if everything in this house had continued in its old familiar ways, except with a different woman. My own life with Poppy in our small flat seemed suddenly threadbare and insufficient.
‘Thanks so much,’ he said. ‘Panic at work.’
‘No worries.’ I swallowed painfully. ‘Emily was telling me about Ben.’
‘I’m Ben,’ said a voice behind her and I turned round sharply.
He wasn’t in shoes and had entered the kitchen noiselessly. I saw his big toe was poking out of a thick orange sock. He was a large man, soft-bellied and round-shouldered. His face was slightly doughy. His straggly brown hair was tucked behind his ears, and he was wearing saggy drawstring trousers and a grey sweatshirt. He looked ill – not ill like someone who was sick, but ill like someone defeated by life.
At any other time, my heart would have gone out to him. Now I just felt a jolt of panic. He had arrived on Friday, just before Poppy’s weekend here. Just before Poppy started her downward spiral.
‘Hello, Ben,’ I said and held out my hand.
Slowly he took it. His own hand was big and cold and felt flabby.
‘You’ve got a cute daughter,’ he said.
He leaned down and stroked his dog’s bristly head. He did everything slowly, as if it was an immense effort.
Emily was pushing a mug of tea at him and Poppy was asking if she could stand on his feet while he walked. She put her arms around his legs in readiness and stepped onto his feet.
‘Later,’ he said.
‘Now, now, now!’
‘Stop it, Poppy!’ I said.
My voice was shrill. Everyone was looking at me. Neurotic, I thought, that’s what they are thinking: a neurotic and bitter woman who can’t let go. I glimpsed Emily’s soft, sweet, dismayed face. Jason looked faintly embarrassed and also disapproving.
‘How long are you staying?’ I asked Ben.
‘He’s here for however long it takes to get things sorted,’ said Jason. ‘Don’t feed Roxie, Poppy.’
‘And it’s lovely having him,’ added Emily, smiling at her brother, showing her dimples and perfect white teeth.
Ben just stared at me with his mottled eyes and his hopeless smile and his face that would have been quite handsome except it had lost its elasticity and fallen into shapelessness.
‘Ben is magic,’ said Poppy.
‘Magic cards,’ explained Emily, beaming.
‘Great,’ I said, looking down at my daughter who’d squatted down beside Roxie again. I felt sick.
‘Tess,’ said Jason. He spoke to me quietly, the way he spoke to the children in his school when they had done something seriously bad. ‘Ben hasn’t been very well and now he needs to live here a while.’
‘Of course,’ I said. ‘But you should have told me.’
He considered this. I watched his face, the grey eyes and the smile marks round them, the trim greying beard that he’d not had when we were together. I had stopped seeing him as handsome, but now that he was distant from me, like a stranger with his pretty young wife, I could see it again. It was hard to believe that less than a year ago, we had slept in the same bed, held each other in the small hours, comforted Poppy when she had bad dreams.
‘Excuse me.’ Ben’s voice was hesitant, slightly slurred. He frowned, as if speaking was a mighty effort, words like boulders that he was heaving up one by one.
We turned to him. There was a long, uncomfortable silence.
‘It’s all a bit of a muddle,’ he eventually said.
‘Muddle?’
‘You know. I was in Lewisham with Fliss and it seemed good, but then things went wrong. It wasn’t my fault.’
‘Nobody’s saying it was,’ pleaded Emily. Her eyes were bright with kindness.
It seemed like there was a gap between something being said and Ben receiving it, like one of those phone calls where time delays make the conversation stilted and strange.
‘Things just happened,’ he said.
‘I should go,’ I bent towards Poppy. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, darling.’
Poppy was cautiously poking Roxie and didn’t answer.
‘At school,’ I added. I raised an awkward hand. ‘Bye then, everyone.’<
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‘I’ll see you out,’ said Jason.
‘I know my way.’
But he followed me from the kitchen and out of the front door.
‘That was rude,’ he said.
‘You should have told me.’
‘Really?’ He raised his eyebrows high. ‘Like you tell me when Aidan comes round.’
‘That’s different.’
‘Why?’
‘Don’t be stupid.’
‘No, really, Tess, why? Emily’s brother is having a rough time. His marriage broke up and he lost his job. So he’s staying with us. You think you have a veto?’
‘Aidan doesn’t stay over, anyway,’ I said uselessly. ‘Not unless Poppy’s with you.’
Jason looked at me and it was like he was looking at a professional acquaintance, not hostile but coolly assessing them. Once again, I felt the dizzying gulf between the life I’d had a year ago and the one I had now.
‘I trust you to do what you think right for Poppy. I hope you trust me.’
‘Yes,’ I said, not quite meaning it. His eyes were still fixed on me and I remembered how some of his staff were scared of him. I wasn’t going to be scared, though. I persisted. ‘We should tell each other things that are relevant to Poppy. Like the fact that there is a new person in your house.’
‘Very well.’
He was using his patient voice. It made me want to shout. I smiled instead, through gritted teeth.
‘Thanks,’ I said. ‘Because I want to tell you that Poppy has been a bit odd since her last weekend with you.’
‘Odd? How?’
‘Clingy. And she wet her bed for the first time in ages. And had a bit of trouble sleeping.’
Jason crinkled his brows. ‘You told me that already. I said I didn’t notice anything.’
‘She talked about someone being killed and she swore. I think.’
‘What do you mean “you think”?’
‘She said “kingcunt”. As in—’
‘I get it.’ Jason laughed. ‘I wonder where she picked that up from! Not me, if that’s what you’re thinking.’
‘It all adds up.’
