All of Me

by Vi Carter

  “I know.” A man passed in front of the jeep and caught my attention briefly. It wasn’t the man, but the huge St. Bernard he had with him. As I watched them pass, I didn’t say anything, but just smiled. When I was little, I always said that when I grew up, I would have one.

  “Still want one?” Jared asked the question along with a slight squeeze of our still joined hands.

  Glancing from the dog back to Jared, I wasn’t completely surprised that he had remembered. He was just that kind of person.

  “Yeah, I still want one. I just have more sense now to know it might not be viable.” I stared at our joined hands. The contrast of my pale skin and his tanned fascinated me.

  “You do know they slobber everywhere?”

  My gaze flicked up to Jared’s, and I smiled. “Yes, I do. Do you know that—"

  "—They can die of a broken heart,” Jared finished my sentence, the amusement in his eyes had my cheeks turning pink.

  “Well, did you know the St. Bernard got its name from a snowy pass in the Alps? That type of dog was used to help watch out for stranded hikers and earned its name that way.” More amusement flashed across Jared’s face, this time with a raised eyebrow.

  “You’re full of facts, Layla Jordan.” My stomach fluttered, and the world around me grew fuzzy. It had been such a long time since I had heard my surname. Although I was elated that Jared remembered my surname, it also reminded me of my life with Bert and Ronnie. Avoiding Jared’s gaze, I removed my hand from his. I could feel my palms grow damp with sweat and I didn’t want him to feel it.

  After a couple of silent moments, Jared asked quietly, “Have I upset you?”

  “No, it just surprised me a little. I haven’t heard that name in so long,” I spoke while staring out the window. The sky had become overcast promising a downpour of rain.

  “Layla, I’m sorry. I didn’t think.” Only when I felt more in control did I look at Jared. His expression was unreadable as he leaned against the steering wheel. His head rested on his arms, his eyes had darkened.

  “Don’t be. I need to learn to control my reaction.” I said. As I spoke my brows pulled together and I looked away. Could I ever control my reaction to a past that terrified me? The sound of a belt being unbuckled had me turning to Jared. He was so close, our noses nearly touched. My heart started to pound like I had run up and down the beach that sprawled out in front of us.

  “I…” I trailed off, not sure what I even wanted to say. He was there. His eyes roamed my face, and he wore such a serious look. I swallowed.

  “If you feel sad, be sad. If you feel happy, be happy. If you want to scream, then do it.” Jared’s voice grew with each word, and I smiled at how passionate he sounded. But he didn’t smile. Instead, his warm hands gripped my face until I thought my heart would explode right there and then.

  “Stop saying ‘I’m sorry’ for how you feel. This…” at the word this his eyes roamed my face. “Is perfect and I love how real and honest you always are. So don’t try to hide anything.” The heat of his hands on my face had to be the cause of the sudden increase in temperature. The air felt hot as Jared continued to invade my space. I was breathing heavily through my nose, and all I could do was nod as I inhaled the scent that was uniquely his, along with his cologne and warm breath Jared bit down on his lower lip, the movement capturing my attention. A voice in the back of my head told me this wasn’t good at all. I needed distance, but I couldn’t seem to move. I did, however, break eye contact and that had Jared releasing me. He sat back in his seat, and I tried to settle my heart down. Rain pelted against the windshield. The beach had disappeared now, only colors were visible with the onslaught of rain. How had we not noticed it had started to rain?

  I swallowed now, realizing I needed to say something. I couldn’t let this get awkward.

  “Your wool gray sweater that you loved. I used to steal it at night time.” The confession was abrupt, and I wanted to sink into the seat.

  What was wrong with me?

  “When you came to my room each night, I would pretend to be asleep, so you could take it.” Now I looked at Jared. He wasn’t looking at me but out the window. Sadness shadowed him. My throat burned now. He knew and had let me take it. It was his favorite.

  “I used to smell it at night, so it was like you were there with me.” My eyes burned now, and Jared looked at me.

  “I would have stayed with you, Layla. Why didn’t you just ask?” His raised voice had a harsh tone and caused wet eyes to dry up.

  “I was a child, Jared. Why are you so angry?”

  “Because… I just… I would have stayed with you.” His own eyes looked glazed as he bit his lip.

  “You were my big brother, I didn’t think you would.”

  Jared looked away, his grip tightening on the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. “What were you afraid of?” His question was said to the beach, then his gaze flickered across to me. I could see his pulse in his neck.

  “I was afraid,” I said, trying to think back to what scared me so much. The dark? The teddies were old and too high on the shelf for me to remove. I always thought they were looking at me.

  “Of what?” Once again, Jared was whispering, his whole body looked tight with tension.

  “The dark, Jared. Wasn’t there anything you were afraid of?” I asked, and it was like a hand reached in and pushed him against the seat. The movement startled me.

  “No, what could I have been afraid of? The dark? I’m not a girl.” The quick words and the forced smile had me sitting up even straighter.

  His body relaxed now as he cracked his knuckles. That was something he hadn’t done since he was a child. It was the first time I saw him do it since I had met him again. He was forcing himself to relax. I had seen him do this before, but as a child, I didn’t understand it.

  “Jared.” At his name, he finally looked at me.

  “I just wish you had told me, I would have scared away the dark.” His words and now the smile that appeared had me relaxing.

  “Your sweater did the trick. We didn’t need you.”

  His laugh at my words and the dimples that appeared had me catching my breath.

  “We?” he questioned.

  And I smiled. “Yeah, me and your sweater. It was more like a teddy. So, I named him.”

  Now Jared covered his mouth with his fist, trying to hide the smile. “You named my sweater?”

  My face burned now, but I didn’t care. I was so happy he was happy again. That darkness had left his eyes. Now they shone, the gold flecks lightening up. “Mr. Grey.” His laughter had me joining him. I don't know if it had been the heaviness of before, but we ended up laughing pretty loudly. When we settled down, I felt better, lighter.

  “I’m glad Mr. Grey kept you safe at night,” he said, while his eyes flickered to me.

  “Yeah, he did,” I said smiling now, thinking how safe I had felt with Jared’s smell and the warmth of Mr. Grey. I was untouchable. It was my safe place.

  “I hope you and Mr. Grey didn’t get up to anything else.” My face burned yet again, and I narrowed my eyes at Jared. His grin stretched across his handsome face.

  “I was ten!” I exclaimed, and Jared chuckled again while buckling up his belt.

  “We better get moving.” When the wipers came on, the view of the beach was beautiful. The rain still fell. The sky was purple and blue against the waves. I kept watching the waves crash as Jared started the jeep and we made our way to the garden show.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Hundreds of people milled about. I took one final look down at my dress. It was a bit crumpled from the car journey. But with the heat in the center, they were sure to fall out. Jared’s fingers twined with me, startling me.

  “You look perfect. Come on.” A small tug and an encouraging smile from him had me moving. His hand felt so right in mine. Deep down, I knew to allow this was wrong. He had just broken up with his girlfriend. In Jared’s eyes, I was a friend, even a sister.
But to me, I knew I felt so much more for him. I didn’t want to think about my feelings for Jared. Instead, I focused on what was around me.

  The hanging baskets that coated the ceiling above us gave the section a magical and even secretive feeling. Flower pots and stands created a zig-zag path that was now overcrowded. I could hear water in the distance. The heat had me moving towards the sound but at a snail’s pace. We ended up being stopped at the cactus section. The baby ones that were no bigger than my thumb were so cute, and I told Jared as much. He snorted, causing the woman in the oversized white hat to look back at him. Her jacket and tailored pants must have been sweltering. I was glad of my choice of dress.

  Jared stood up on his tippy toes to see what the hold-up was.

  “Anything?” I asked. He shook his head. “Can’t see. Only more people and plants.”

  I grinned. “How odd. People and plants at a garden exhibition.” Jared narrowed his eyes but smiled too.

  “Yeah, as odd as that thing.” We were already standing pretty close to each other, so when he reached behind me, his chest brushed against my shoulder. The contact had my pulse spiking. It took me a moment after he leaned over to focus on what he held. The baby cactus.

  “It’s not odd. I think it’s cute,” I said.

  “See how cute it is when you touch it.” The woman once again turned, only this time she looked at the cactus in Jared’s hand, then from me to Jared.

  “Do you want to touch it?” he asked, and she swung back around. His hand had curved slightly around the cactus. I didn’t think he knew what he was doing. He was protecting it.

  “Ouch.” I laughed as he opened his hand. I could see that coming too.

  “You find that funny?”

  “It’s so tiny, and you're so…”

  His grin rose quick and fast. “So...” he encouraged, and I normally wouldn’t have answered, only I knew the woman was listening to our conversation.

  “Big,” I said it loud, and her shoulders stiffened. Jared’s smile showcased those gorgeous dimples.

  The crowd started to move, and Jared put the cactus back, leaning in again. My heart picked up, but it didn’t go into a frenzy. My body was enjoying the contact with his way too much. When he leaned back, he paused, his eyes flickering over my face. Amusement shone in his eyes like he knew what he was doing to me.

  People were trying to pass us, so we continued to walk. I had no knowledge of ninety-five percent of the plants, but Jared complimented my knowledge of flowers continuously throughout our day, of the small five percent that I had some knowledge from what I had gathered from books, Google, and going to our local Garden center. Noel, a horticulturist who worked at our local garden center, also had a garden show on my favorite radio station, was always fun to listen to, and was very knowledgeable. I usually listened to him every Saturday morning at 9:30, but not today.

  We finally came across the waterfall that had been erected in the center of the exhibition. The bottom filled with loose coins. An elderly couple sat eating ice-cream across from us. I licked my lips, my mouth dry from the heat of the day. But we hadn’t come across a stand.

  “Open your hand.” My attention snapped to Jared.

  I did slowly, not trusting the grin on his face. “Do you need me to close my eyes?” I asked.

  “No.” He smiled now as he placed some coins in my hands. “Go make some wishes. I’ll be back in a moment.” I forced a smile and a quick nod as I walked to the waterfall. I swallowed another lump in my throat. Every time I was around him, he made me want to burst into tears.

  Every Saturday when we were kids, we would go into town with his friends. He always took me along, even when they protested.

  At the Kid’s Center, there was a maze of mirrors and right in the middle was a wishing well. We never had much, but Jared always managed to get a coin for me. Every time we went, I would spend what felt like hours in the maze. I never gave up until I found the wishing well. Once I was there, I made the same wish every time. Now I looked down at the coins in my hand. I had always wished that someone would come and take Jared and me away from Bert and Ronnie. That we would grow up together and be happy.

  “I’ve upset you again.” I squealed, not expecting Jared to be there. He sat down beside me, his eyes flickering between me and the coins, and my throat burned.

  “No, I was only thinking about the wish I always made,” I told him, and his eyebrows rose in surprise. “You made the same wish every time?”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “You don’t have to tell me,” Jared said while closing my hands around the coins. The heat of his hand seared me.

  “I want to-- I wished that someone would take us away and we could grow up together and be happy.” A tear fell, and Jared wiped it away with his thumb. I was about to apologize for crying but knew he would tell me not to say ‘sorry.’

  “Well, we found each other, and we are happy.” Now he leaned away so he could look at me. “I know I’m happy now that I’ve found you.” His smile was so full that I cried a little more while smiling.

  “I’m happy I found you too, Jared.”

  His warmth and smell surrounded me now as he pulled me into his chest. I didn’t want to cry, but tears fell. I had been so strong for so long that right now, having him hold me, allowed me to grieve for the childhood we both lost.

  “I was lost without you.” His words and stroke of his hand down my back had my nerve endings on fire. What was happening to me? These feelings that rushed through my body made me feel like breathing him in was the only right thing to do. Like he was my oxygen, my life support, and if I lost him again, I wouldn’t survive. I moved out of his arms with reluctance, but I needed to answer him.

  “Me too.”

  He visibly took in a deep breath, his hands on my arms now. I wasn’t sure if he was aware of his movements. He rubbed his hands up and down my arms, causing a frenzy inside me. My thoughts veered off the PG 13 road, and I knew I needed to stop my thoughts, for a million reasons. One reason was that we were in a very public place, and we had gained attention from passers-by and the elderly couple.

  “Let’s make a wish together,” I told Jared. It took him a moment to respond. He blinked several times like he was just waking up.

  “Okay.” I gave him a coin, and he took it.

  “Should we tell each other?” He asked, and I rolled my eyes.

  “No, your wish wouldn’t come true.”

  “I know. I’m just teasing.” The corner of his mouth quirked up, and he winked. My stomach tightened, and I focused on the water in front of me. Now I wasn’t sure what to wish for. Glancing at Jared, I noticed he had his eyes closed and the most serious expression on his face, he flipped the coin in and didn’t look away until the water had settled around it.

  I wish that Jared’s wish comes true. I tossed in my own coin, and when I glanced up, Jared stood with his hand outstretched.

  “Let’s get some ice cream.”

  I grinned while taking Jared’s hands. This time when his fingers entwined with mine, it didn’t make me want to run. It still sent my pulse racing, but it was my body’s reaction to Jared. I was starting to associate elevated heart rate, stomach clenching, and my thoughts scattering whenever I was near him.

  We were finally close to the ice cream stand that had been specially set up for the exhibit. Jared once again recited the same order we often got. Chocolate ice cream with tons of chocolate syrup and two scoops. It simply would not do to just get one. When he passed me mine, I immediately started eating it. We walked through a calmer area of the center. This area was mostly seeds, not many potted plants to see. A few garden sheds filled the floor space, and there were also kiosks with leaflets. It made me think of my garden at home. Maybe a new shed would look nice. I knew if I suggested it to Carl and Evelyn they would buy it without hesitation. But that didn’t seem fair. I should finish the planting and maybe give the shed a fresh coat of paint. Thinking of the garden had my thoughts
turning to Jared arriving at my house that day. So I asked him a question that I had wondered for a while.

  “How did you know where I lived?” I took a large bite of the flake. Jared was now eating the cone, his ice cream gone. I didn’t know how he did that and not get brain freeze.

  “I did something illegal,” he said, and I raised my brows for him to continue, so he did.

  “I snuck into my dad’s office and got it off your CV," My eyes widened as his smile did.

  “Jared, that’s so unethical,” I said, and he snorted a laugh while devouring the remainder of his ice cream.

  “I wanted to make sure you were okay.” I had to take a few licks of my ice cream before answering.

  “That’s really sweet. But next time instead of breaking the law, just ask me.” I said.

  “Would you have told me?” The way he said it, his tone suggested that I wouldn’t have.

  I would have, but I wouldn’t have invited him over so quickly. I would have been nervous about Evelyn’s and Carl’s response.

  “Yes,” I answered glancing at him sideways.

  He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “The next time I’ll ask.”

  “Tell me about your dad?” I started eating the second scoop, not sure of how much more I could eat. But it was too good to throw away.

  “He’s great and really supportive. He’s the one who encouraged me to go train as a lifeguard. I spent so much time swimming down at the beach when I first arrived. He used to watch me all the time. So, when he handed me an application, I decided that I needed to do something with my time.”

  “I’m really glad you found your dad.” I glanced at Jared while taking a lick of my ice cream.

  “I’m really glad you’re enjoying that ice cream.” Jared’s smile was wide, and I blushed.

  “Yeah, it’s pretty good,” I answered, taking one more lick, but I was searching for a bin. I couldn’t eat much more.

  “Maybe you could come down when I’m working.”

  Suddenly, the ice cream turned sour in my stomach. The idea of wearing a bikini in front of Jared was terrifying, yet exciting as well. A green bin with the letters TRASH in gold engraved in it, gave me a moment to allow my stomach to settle. As I passed, I threw in the ice cream.