***
Tore woke several times in the night, thinking it was Annike stroking his hair.
But it wasn’t her.
In the morning, Kachina was still there. She was leaning back against the headboard, her eyes closed, one hand on his head. At some point the boys had climbed up next to them. Rune was curled under her arm and Kjell lay squeezed between her legs and Tore’s stomach. A blanket was draped across the four of them. Despite the heat from Kjell and the warmth of the wool, Tore shivered.
He spent the rest of the day next to Annike’s grave. Seeking comfort on their private wavelength, he hoped she could still hear him.
I can’t believe you’re gone…
Thought we had forever, Annike… We should have had forever.
Tears fell down his face. He wiped them and his running nose with his sleeve.
Always thought we’d have more kids. Did you want more? I don’t mean an enormous litter like Mom, maybe three or four… I’d have liked a daughter… Did you ever think about a girl, Annike?
She would have looked like you, would have been so beautiful, my love.
He rubbed his face with his hands. Unbidden, an image of Erik came into his head.
He hated him so much!
Why did he take her? Why couldn’t he let them be?
Tore dried his eyes once again on his sleeve.
These damn tears, will they ever stop?
I won’t let Erik get away with this. I’m going to pay him back, Annike. He didn’t know how he’d do it yet, but he would avenge her. Somehow, he’d discredit Erik. Make the clan understand what he did. Then they’d take away his power. Erik didn’t deserve to take their father’s place.
Tore got to his feet, the tears subsiding, anger taking their place.
I’ll go back to Liam, he’ll help me…he’s next in line. I’ll get Björn and Otto too. We’ll go together… Yes, that’s it! We’ll be more of a force in numbers. The four of us will face Erik. Maybe there are other clan members my father forced out. We’ll form a small army. We could do it. I know we could…
Tore laughed to himself, his pacing became more agitated as he formulated schemes.
He’d like to see Erik’s face then!
His pacing wore a path around Annike’s grave.
They’re gonna pay, Annike. I’m gonna take them out one by one. Erik, David, Henrik…Georg…all of them. Rip their throats out with my fangs. Do to them what they did to you. Then I’m going to leave their corpses out in the open, watch while the turkey buzzards pluck out their eyes. I want to see the coyotes and the foxes strip off their flesh and watch as flies lay eggs inside their wounds. I want to be able to smell the maggots as they grow fat and gorge themselves on my brother’s body… Watch them disappear out of my life.
Tore stopped. No, that wouldn’t hurt them enough!
I’ll leave them alive…won’t kill them. Leave them close to death, but alive enough to know what is happening to them…I’ll stake them out in the sun… watch the scavengers eat them while they scream.
Yes! I want to see their pain, hear their cries for help. Want them to know what it was like for you. Want them to feel all the pain I have inside me. Want them to feel it tenfold. They have to suffer, Annike, suffer like no other human or wolf has suffered before.
Dropping to his knees, he lay down beside her grave and closed his eyes.
“I’ll do it for you, Annike. I’ll do it for you.”
***
Kachina caught up with Tore making his way back to his room. “Here, let me help you, Tore,”
“I’m okay, I can do it…” He didn’t need her help.
“Hush now, you’re exhausted. Let me, please.”
Tore relented, allowing her to undress him. She was right. He didn’t have the strength to do it.
“Come here,” she said, lying down next to him, pulling his head to her shoulder.
Tore didn’t want her to hold him like this. He tried but was too weak to pull away. She held him close and he became too caught up in his own misery to make much of an effort to try again.
The sound of her heart lulled him, calming the wolf inside. Lavender pervaded his senses, the soporific fragrance cocooning him. He inhaled. Was it Kachina’s perfume? He’d not noticed it before, but now the whole room seemed bathed in it. He took comfort from the scent. With his body and mind more relaxed, he concentrated on her gentle breathing and found enough peace to sleep.
***
As the week went by, a pattern emerged. Each night Kachina comforted him while he slept. In the mornings, Tore found himself part of a pile of bodies. Kjell and Rune curled between them, Kachina’s arm draped across their tiny frames in an imitation of his own.
One evening, Hania strolled into the kitchen. He stood and watched Tore pouring milk for his boys. “Why don’t you use my bed? I’ll take the twin. You and the boys will fit better there.”
“I can’t take yours Hania!” Guilt dogged him. He must have known, Kachina was sharing with him as well. “We’re fine in that room.” He ruffled the boy’s hair. “They don’t take up much room.”
Kachina bustled into the kitchen carrying sheets to the laundry. “I already moved your things.”
Tore opened his mouth to protest.
“You’ll heal better if you’re not so cramped and the boys will sleep better with the space.” Hania said. Picking up his coffee, he walked out into the yard to watch the sunset.
When Kachina went to him that night, Tore sent her away.
“I can’t have you sleeping with me every night. What will it look like? Annike isn’t even cold in her grave.”
She looked sad at his rebuff.
“I’m sorry, Tore I didn’t think… didn’t mean to… I just wanted to comfort you, I…” She wrung her hands, stepped from one foot to the other.
“Comfort me? I don’t want to find comfort in you. The thought makes me sick. Annike is the only one who can do that. She is… was… everything to me.”
Kachina hurried away, but not before Tore saw the hurt in her eyes. He felt like such an ass treating her that way. His words sounded harsher than he’d meant, but allowing Kachina to comfort him felt wrong.
Tore’s sleep was fitful that night. The bed big, empty and cold. The boys tossed and turned, fretful. Kjell woke crying for his mother. Rune clung to his father, his eyes full of tears after he woke from a nightmare. As the early hours crept in, Tore finally slept.
***
“Aagghhh! No…Annike…Erik…please no…” He woke drenched in sweat, his arms thrashing around, his heart pounding.
Kjell was sobbing again, Rune screaming. Wrapped up in his nightmare, Tore couldn’t comfort them.
“Kachina, Kachina!” Rune yelled.
She ran in, sweeping up Kjell in her arms, pulling Rune towards her, cradling his head.
“Hush now, boys; Daddy’s okay. It’s just a bad dream. Come on, let’s get you back into bed now.”
They looked petrified, their faces streaked with tears as she tucked them under the covers.
Shame, embarrassment, and fear coursed through Tore. Still lost to his dream, Tore’s body shook. Kachina settled the boys and as they drifted off to sleep, she went to leave.
“Stay.” Tore sobbed like a child.
He woke the next morning with Kachina and the boys draped around him once more. Would this happen every time he tried to sleep without her?
The next night, when she helped him put the boys to bed, they pulled at her shirt with eyes pleading. “Please, sleep with us Kachina. It’s better when you stay,” Rune said.
“Daddy doesn’t have bad dreams when you’re here, I want you to stay,” Kjell said.
Tore didn’t have the heart to say no.
Annike would want them to feel safe, to sleep well. She would think it was okay if Kachina comforted them.
16
5 Months Later. November 1983.
By late autumn, Tore’s body had healed. Physically, he
was as strong as he used to be and his external wounds were gone. His shoulder, ribs and wrist, all mended. They functioned as well as they used to, but his sleep was still interrupted with nightmares. When he closed his eyes, Tore saw the faces of his brothers and David. They only disappeared with Kachina’s presence.
But Tore had stayed in Casper too long. It was time he went back to Arkansas. He talked it over with Hania and promised he’d stay on a few more weeks while Hania attended a powwow in early December. But after that, Tore had to face his future.
Tore threw himself into his work to distract himself from the nightmares and the growing need for revenge they fueled. He gathered and chopped enough wood to keep Hania and Kachina warm for three winters. He singlehandedly plowed and tilled the back field, for planting in the spring. When that was done, he fixed the roof of the cabin, insulated the loft and repaired the fences around Hania’s land. As the time for him to leave grew closer, he could avoid it no more. There was one more thing he needed to do before he left.
Although Tore’s body had healed, he’d yet to try transitioning to wolf. He hadn’t shifted since the attack and anxiety about how his body or head would cope, had prevented him from trying. But Tore needed to do this before he could go after Erik. If he was to avenge Annike’s death, he needed to be certain his wolf was still there and that it was as ferocious as ever.
Tore set down the axe and looked back at the cabin. There was no time like the present. He went in search of Kachina, to let her know his intentions. He didn’t want to frighten her with his transition.
She was at the kitchen table peeling potatoes. Rune and Kjell were sitting beside her, trying to pull peas out of pods. There were more peas on the floor than in the bowl.
He bent down and kissed each of their heads. Should he take them outside with him to watch? They used to like it when he and Annike took them for rides on their backs. Tore smiled at the memory of the boys holding on to his fur, giggling as he trotted around the grounds of the Lodge.
“Look Daddy, we’re helping Kachina to make dinner,” Rune said.
“So you are, and it looks like you’re doing a terrific job. Those will be tasty.” Kjell smiled, dropping another half squashed, half shredded pod into the bowl. “Kachina, I’m going to try to shift, see how my body has healed. I need to go for a run, stretch out my wolf’s legs.” She nodded at him, her beautiful almond shaped eyes twinkling. “Will it scare you? I promise I won’t hurt you. I’ll stay outside and…”
“Tore…” she interrupted. “You don’t frighten me, you never have and you never will. I know you won’t hurt me. Besides, I’d like to see your wolf. I think it would be good for Kjell and Rune to see you shift too. It’s what you are.” She smiled at the boys, nodded her head in their direction. “What they are.”
Tore smiled back at her. He’d been doing that a lot, lately. He blushed at the thought. She’d been making him do that too. Yesterday, he’d woken early and Kachina was still sleeping. He’d watched her for a while. Her long black hair splayed across the pillow, her pretty face peaceful. She had looked so content with her arms draped over one of the boys. Then she woke, caught him watching. He’d blushed and turned his eyes away. Now as she stood smiling, he felt shy again. “I’d like you to see me, if you think it would be okay.”
She helped the boys down from their chairs, wiped their hands, and they followed him out to the yard.
Tore settled them on the porch and Hania sat on the step, not wanting to miss the show.
“Um, you might want to avert your eyes, Kachina.” For goodness sake! Why was he as embarrassed as a pre-transition male!
It had never bothered Tore before. In the clan it was part of life, but somehow taking off his trousers in front of Kachina made him feel shy.
Kachina looked puzzled.
“Well, I…I have to um strip… you know to… shift.”
She laughed. “You do remember we found you naked, don’t you?” she teased. “But if it embarrasses you, you could stand behind those logs.”
He looked towards Hania for support. He grinned back and shrugged his shoulders. “My daughter’s a grown woman, she makes up her own mind.”
Tore shrugged off his shirt, throwing it to the ground, and turned his back. If Kachina wasn’t worried then why should he be? He stepped out of his pants, shifting before his jeans hit the floor. Tore launched across the field, his heart pumping hard, as he reached his full speed. The simple act of running as a wolf was both freeing and comforting. This was the last step in his recovery and Tore was relieved at how whole it made him feel.
Stretching out his front legs, he landed asymmetrically. Right paw dominating, as he pulled his hindquarters behind him. His strong back legs propelled him forwards into the next stride. His body was momentarily suspended in the air, before his front paws reached for the ground. Gliding, with the grass rushing beneath his feet; Tore felt weightless. It was a feeling that only came with his wolf; he could never achieve this as a human.
His spine curved and flexed with the increase in speed, his body stretched and contracted in a comforting way. Unused muscles warmed and loosened, as a satisfying ache crept into them. He’d neglected them for far too long.
He’d forgotten how strong and powerful it made him feel when he unleashed his wolf. As lupine blood surged through his veins, it brought a new energy and strength to his muscles. Each knot and kink pulled free from his back and shoulders. When he shifted back later, his body would feel relaxed and stress free. Shifting was better than any massage!
Tore circled the field and headed back towards the house. Challenging his body felt fantastic. Even though he’d exercised since the attack, running as a human was slow, and the gait jarred his knees. He felt clumsy and strained as his feet landed on the ground. As a wolf, he could glide through the air, perfectly balancing speed and rhythm to propel him across the earth.
Catching wind of a hare on the far side of the field, Tore allowed the rush to take hold. Within a matter of seconds, he’d reached thirty-eight miles an hour. Most average humans would struggle to hit eleven. Tore couldn’t maintain the speed for long, but he had the hare within biting distance in just a few seconds. He lunged at the creature, scooping it up in his powerful jaws. Slipping and sliding to a halt, he adjusted his hold and set off at a sedentary five miles an hour, back to his waiting audience.
The rush, the kill, and his base animal instincts, heightened his senses in a way that was only possible in his wolf form. He felt whole again.
Tore needed this more than he’d realized. With his muscles looser, heart beating faster, he loped back to the cabin. All apprehension about shifting melted away.
Rune and Kjell jumped up and down as he approached. “Daddy! Daddy!” They threw their arms around him, giving him their love and acceptance. They weren’t fazed by Tore’s transition for they’d seen it countless times.
Rune pushed at his shoulders. “Down, Daddy, down!” He climbed onto Tore’s back, dragging his brother up after him.
Phew, they’re getting heavy! Soon, they would have to do this one at a time. Hold tight. Their tiny hands gripped his fur as he broke into a gentle trot. They giggled as they lapped the field.
When he returned, the boys climbed down and Tore went back to his clothing. He shifted and pulled on his jeans then walked to the porch, carrying his tee in his hand. Kachina ran to meet him. Taking him by surprise, she flung her arms around his waist. Tore hugged her back, caught up in her euphoria.
“That was amazing! Thanks for letting me watch you. It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”
Holding her, sent shivers up Tore’s spine. The pleasure rippled through him, catching him by surprise. Kachina pulled away and as her body left his, he felt an urge to pull her back against him. She’d felt so warm and soft. Tore let her go but as he did, something flickered in his chest. Something warm and vibrant, something that felt like hope.
As guilt washed over him, Tore pushed back t
he unwanted feelings that were struggling to the surface and stepped away.
Kachina called to Rune and Kjell, “You guys better go have your baths now. I’m going to start dinner, so you have half an hour to get washed and dressed for bed.”
She walked back to the kitchen. Tore watched, transfixed by the way her hips swung and her long hair bounced as she took each step.
“Come on, Daddy,” Kjell said.
Holding out his hand to his son, he pulled his eyes away from Kachina and took the boys off to the bathroom.
17
Kachina didn’t dare look back at Tore, as she made her way to the house. With cheeks bright red and her stomach doing back flips, she distanced herself from him. She walked to the kitchen sink and ran her wrists under the cold faucet. Breathing hard, she calmed herself.
Moments earlier she’d thrown her arms around him, and he’d hugged her back. Was it her imagination, or did he keep his arms wrapped around her longer than necessary?
Another flush of heat ran through her. She turned the faucet on full stream, splashing water on her face and down her neck. Closing her eyes, she was immediately consumed by the memory of his touch. The warmth of his body, the gentleness of his strong hands, the way he bent his head to her. She purred, remembering the way he buried his face into her hair, inhaling the lavender oil she’d combed through it. A shiver ran down her spine.
Did his arms tighten around her?
Something was different about Tore. The shift changed him.
Kachina set about preparing dinner. Checking the meatloaf in the range, she turned up the heat under the vegetables. She pushed thoughts of how his body felt against hers, out of her head. It wasn’t right to think such things about this man.
The boys’ voices, excited and happy, echoed down the hallway. She smiled. It was good to see them playing with their father. She listened to their high-pitched prattle and Tore’s deep patient voice, joking with them. Tore laughed. The boys ran around, clapping their hands in delight, their giggles and squeals suggesting he was chasing them.
The Wolf You Feed Arc Page 12
