“It’s not over. Don’t even say shit like that. You’re just upset because of Arlin.”
“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t meet you down here and act like we’re still together when I know this is ending in two weeks.”
“It’s not ending in two weeks!” He screams it and for the first time I can see that he’s scared. I see the panic in his eyes and I hear it in his voice. He’s scared that this really is ending. That two weeks from now his life will be over. We’ll never see each other again and he’ll be forced to be with someone he doesn’t even like. Be forced to marry her and have children with her. Be forced into doing things that are bad and wrong and illegal. And years from now he’ll be the president and they’ll still control him. Who knows what they’ll make him do.
I hadn’t even been thinking about how awful his life will be. I’ve been so focused on us and what effect this plan would have on me. But it’s so much worse for him. And he’s only going along with it because of me. Because he’s afraid of what they might do to me if he says no.
“Sorry,” he says quietly. He hugs me and I feel his heart pumping hard and fast against my chest. “I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
I pull away. “You’re freaking out, aren’t you? And I haven’t been here for you. I should’ve been helping you, supporting you, doing whatever you need me to do. You should’ve said something. You should’ve told me I was being a shitty girlfriend. I haven’t even been a good friend.”
He looks at me, confused. “What are you talking about?”
“Your life is over if this happens. You’ll have no choices ever again. You’ll have no freedom. They’ll make you do things. Really bad things. This is way worse for you than it is for me and I haven’t even been thinking about that. I’m sorry, Garret.”
“You don’t need to be sorry. I’m prepared for all that. I can handle it. Am I freaked out that my life will be controlled by other people? Yes. But I’m more freaked out by the idea that I can never see you again. That’s what scares me, Jade. Because I don’t think I can do it. I’m afraid I’ll try to find you and then they’ll find out and hurt you to punish me.”
“So what are we going to do? I’m out of ideas. Our plan didn’t work. If it did, they would’ve let you go by now. They wouldn’t have waited this long.”
He puts his hands on my shoulders and looks me in the eye. “You don’t know that, so stop thinking that way.”
“I DO know it. And so do you. You just won’t admit it.” He doesn’t respond which basically tells me he’s thinking the same thing. That our plan didn’t work. “I don’t know what else to try. I don’t know how to fix this.”
“We’re not even sure if this meeting they’re having is about me. We’re just guessing based on rumors. It could be about something totally different.”
“But if it is about you, then we have no time left. I leave a week from Friday to go home and that might be the last time I see you.”
“Then let’s spend as much time together as possible over the next two weeks. We both have to study for finals, so we’ll study down here. We could even sleep down here. I’ll get some more blankets and sleeping bags. We’ll just camp out until you have to leave. We’ll spend our days in the dorm and our nights here. What do you think?”
His eyes are bright and eager as he waits for my answer. I love him so much for trying to make the best of this horrible situation.
“I think it’s crazy,” I tell him. “But I can do crazy.”
“Then go get your books and I’ll go get some stuff at the store. We’ll meet back here in an hour.” He unzips the tent and helps me out.
“What if wild animals eat us?” I call back as I make my way through the woods.
“Raccoons don’t eat people, Jade,” he yells from inside the tent. “But I’d keep an eye on your potato chips.”
I find myself laughing as I imagine a raccoon with his paws in my potato chip bag. Damn, that idiot can make me laugh even when I’m really sad. And I need that in my life. I need him. But I’m not sure how much Ionger I’ll have him.
When we meet up again, Garret has more sleeping bags, pillows, and blankets, a flashlight, and four really bright lanterns. He also bought chips, soda, and candy—basic study food.
I set my backpack down and get my books out. “I’ve never been camping before. Have you?”
“Not really. When my mom was alive and we lived in the other house, my dad let me set up a tent in the back yard but that wasn’t really camping.”
My phone rings and I check to see who’s calling. “Garret, it’s Grace. What do I say to her?”
“Just say what you feel.”
“I can’t. I feel terrible.”
It continues to ring. “Just answer it, Jade.”
“Hello.”
“Jade. It’s Grace.” She sounds really tired and very serious. “I have some bad news. Your grandfather passed away earlier today. He had a sudden heart attack.”
“Yeah, Garret told me. I’m so sorry, Grace. Can I do anything?”
“No, honey. I just wanted to let you know. The funeral is Saturday if you’d like to attend.”
“I don’t think I can.”
“I understand.” And the way she says it makes me feel like she does. “Maybe we could have lunch once more before you leave for the summer.”
“Yes. Definitely.”
“I’ll call you next week and we’ll figure out a time.” She says goodbye and I set the phone down.
I look up at Garret. “Well, that really sucked. I had no idea what to say to her.”
“Nobody ever knows what to say when something like this happens.”
I rest my head on Garret’s lap and he runs his fingers gently through my hair. The tent is quiet except for the sound of an owl off in the distance. I close my eyes and imagine Arlin sailing somewhere up in the clouds. He looks happy and peaceful. It’s odd, but I never pictured my mom like that after her death. So I do it now. I see her meeting Arlin, introducing herself as my mom, and Arlin taking her sailing. It makes me feel a little bit better.
“Are you okay?” I open my eyes and see Garret gazing down at me.
“Yeah. I’m okay.”
We spend the rest of the night studying, then I fall asleep in Garret’s arms, which I haven’t done since I stayed at his house after spring break.
In the middle of the night I wake up and hear Garret talking in his sleep. He keeps saying my name and then he says, “No, don’t take her.” He says it several times, then gets quiet again but tightens his hold on me.
I don’t have to be an expert in analyzing dreams to know that he’s worried his future has already been decided and there’s no way out of this. He’s losing hope. And so am I.
26
Why is it that when you’re desperate for time to slow down, it suddenly speeds up? The past week has gone by faster than any week in my entire life. Garret and I spent every night together in the tent and even snuck down there during the day. But it still wasn’t enough time with him.
Now it’s Monday and my last week at Moorhurst College—not just for the semester, but forever. I won’t be coming back here again. Garret and I already decided that when we thought this would all work out and we’d be together. Now I’m assuming we won’t be together after this week, which means that in the fall Garret will go to Yale as dictated by the plan because apparently presidents go to Ivy League colleges and Moorhurst isn’t good enough.
I’ll be going to college somewhere else. I can’t come back here. There are too many memories. Plus Yale isn’t that far from Moorhurst and Garret and I need distance between us or we both know we’d try to sneak out and see each other.
I’ve already sent out applications to other schools. I haven’t heard back yet so I don’t know where I’ll end up. And I’m not sure how I’ll afford it. Arlin always said he wanted to pay for my college, but now that he’s gone I don’t know what will happen. I’m not going to ask Grace about it, espec
ially so soon after Arlin’s death.
Garret and his family attended Arlin’s funeral last Saturday. Garret said there were so many people at the church that some people had to stand. I probably could’ve gone and hid in the back but I’m glad I didn’t. I prefer that image I have of Arlin sailing in the clouds.
Today is the start of final exams and the physics final is my first one. As I walk to class I remember how I felt when I arrived here last September. I was so afraid I wouldn’t do well in my classes. I never would’ve guessed that the classes would be the easiest part of college.
I get to class right as the professor begins handing out the final. The answers come easily to me and I’m the first one to finish it. My brain has been really fired up this past week. I guess it was trying to occupy itself with school so it wouldn’t have to think about all the other stuff going on.
Carson turns in his final just seconds after I do and follows me out the door to the outside. “I haven’t seen you around all week. Where have you been?”
“Just hiding out studying. The dorms are too noisy. I had to get out of there.”
I’m not in the mood to talk to him but he keeps following me as I walk back to the dorm.
“Is something wrong?” He’s got his conspiracy tone going. I hope he’s not getting ready to tell me a new story about Garret’s family. He hasn’t said a word about them since Garret and I broke up, which just confirms that he was only telling me that stuff so I’d stop dating Garret. A few weeks ago Carson asked me out. He wanted to take me to dinner and a movie. As usual, he claimed it wasn’t a date but just two friends hanging out. I said no, of course, and after that, he gave up asking me out.
Knowing Carson, he’s probably still trying to find out what’s going on with Garret’s family and their company but I can’t worry about it anymore.
“Nothing’s wrong, Carson. I’m just tired from all the studying.”
“When are you done with finals?”
“Wednesday. Thursday I’m packing and Friday I’m flying home.”
“Are you leaving your stuff in storage?”
“I don’t have much stuff. Mainly clothes.”
“What about your car?”
Carson asks way too many questions. He’s a nice guy but his constant prying gets on my nerves.
“A friend of mine is going to drive it out later,” I say, hoping he won’t ask for the friend’s name. The truth is that I’m packing the car with all my stuff and a guy will come get the car a week from today and drive it to California. Before he died, Arlin hired the driver for me. It’s the guy he uses for his own cars. Apparently rich people do this all the time. They prefer to fly long distances and have their car delivered.
“Maybe we could meet up this summer,” Carson says. “I’ll be in Des Moines in July to visit my grandma.”
“I won’t be there. I’m spending the summer in California.”
“Without Garret? I thought you weren’t going since you guys broke up.”
“I’m still going. Harper and her boyfriend are renting the place next to mine.”
“Then I guess after Friday I won’t see you until September.”
“Yeah. Probably not.”
We say goodbye and he goes to his dorm and I go in mine. Carson will be the first person to investigate why I’m not here next fall. Truthfully, he’ll be the only one who cares. Nobody else will even notice. Except Harper. I haven’t decided what to tell her yet. But I have all summer with her, so it’s not like I have to tell her this week.
I haven’t told Frank and Ryan my plans either, and I’m not going to until I know for sure where I’m going in the fall. If I told them now, they’d ask too many questions and I don’t have the energy to come up with a story they’ll believe. I’ll tell them later when all this is over.
The week continues with more finals during the day and more campouts at night with Garret. We only sleep a couple hours each night. There’s no time for sleep. As much as I don’t want to believe it, this could be our last week together and just the thought of that makes me want to savor each moment we have left.
Part of our nights are spent being together physically, but most of our time is spent lying in each other’s arms talking. Telling each other things that bring us even closer. Things we wouldn’t tell others. Things we probably wouldn’t have told each other for a very long time, but now time is running out and we have to fit it all in during these last few days. I want to know everything about Garret, even though I may never see him again after this week.
He tells me more about his mom and all the stuff he went through after she died. He tells me a story about when he was 14 and got drunk for the first time. He came stumbling home and his dad pretended to not even notice and that’s when he assumed his dad didn’t care about him anymore. That single incident started the years of drinking he now regrets.
Tonight we’re on the topic of my mom. I don’t know why but for some reason I tell him a story about when I was 8 and had the flu and threw up on the carpet because I couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough. I was so sick I could barely move, but my mom made me scrub the carpet until it was clean. I hated her for it. Part of me still does. Maybe that’s why I told Garret that story. Maybe by telling him I can move on and not be so angry about it.
“Okay, your turn,” I say. “Tell me something else. Anything.”
We’ve been taking turns telling each other stuff. I wait for him to talk, but he doesn’t. Instead he looks at me like he wants to say something but isn’t sure if he should.
“Go ahead,” I tell him.
“Jade. . . did you love your mom?”
I stare back at him, surprised that he would even think to ask me something like that, especially after I just told him that story about her.
Deep down I know the answer to that question, but I’ve never admitted it to myself because it’s wrong and crazy and makes absolutely no sense. And I’m not sure why Garret even cares. What difference does it make?
“Jade?” He’s still waiting for me to respond, sitting across from me holding both my hands.
I notice that I’m shaking a little as I nod. “Yes. I loved her.” I pick my arm up and use my sleeve to quickly wipe away a tear. “Why are you even asking me that?”
“Because I think you needed to hear yourself say it.”
I don’t respond because now I’m pissed I said it at all.
He reaches for the hand that’s now in my lap. “It’s okay, you know. You can love her even after everything she did to you.”
“No, it’s not okay!” I rip my hands from his and scoot back a little, hugging my knees to my chest while a few more tears manage to escape my eyes. “She doesn’t deserve it. She deserves nothing but hate from me.”
He comes over and wraps me tightly in his arms so I can’t pull away despite my all-out effort to do so.
I’m so angry. Not at Garret, but at myself for saying I loved her. I give up fighting him and just let my body relax into his.
“I shouldn’t have loved her. It’s wrong.” I keep my head down against his chest. “But I did. And I don’t know why.”
“Because she was your mom,” Garret says softly.
It’s true. It seems like the reason should be more complex than that but it’s not. She was my mom and as horrible as she was to me, I’m her child and children love their moms. And I loved her because even as a child, I knew she was struggling with some kind of deep, devastating pain that never went away and I wished more than anything that I could help her somehow. Now I know the cause of her pain and the reason she acted that way, but it’s still hard for me to say that I loved her.
“Jade. Can I ask you something else?”
“Yeah.”
He hesitates, then asks, “Are you afraid to have kids someday because you think you’ll treat them like your mom treated you?”
It’s another question I didn’t expect and one I’ve never even asked myself. I feel Garret’s arm muscles tense u
p as he prepares for me to try to yank away from him again.
But I keep still and take a moment to think about his question. It doesn’t take long for me to realize that he’s right. I’m scared to death I would abuse my child the way my mom abused me. Not that I would hit a child, but that I might say the same awful things my mom said to me. The words that used to haunt me until Garret came along and stopped them.
I don’t look at him when I answer. “Yes.”
And that’s all we say about it.
But he’s given me something to think about. How did Garret know this about me when I didn’t even realize it myself? Because he gets me. That’s why. He gets everything about me and I’ll never meet anyone ever again who understands me like he does. He knows who I was last year and who I am now, and he was at my side for that journey and is the reason I went on it in the first place. That’s how I know that this thing we have between us can never be replicated with someone else. This is it. And soon it’s going to end.
On Thursday Garret finds out that the organization’s meeting next Monday is definitely about his future. He’s not allowed to attend the meeting, but his dad will be there. Garret’s going home on Friday at noon and once he’s there he isn’t allowed to leave the house until after the decision has been made. It’s a mandate from the organization.
At the meeting they’ll take a vote and Garret’s fate will be decided. If the plan is approved by a majority of the members, his every action from that point forward will be decided for him.
Friday morning Garret and I get up early like we’ve been doing so we can sneak back in the dorm.
“I guess this is it.” I fold up one of the blankets and start on another. I sound cheery for some reason. I guess I’m trying to deny this is really happening. “You need help packing up all this stuff?”
“No. I’ll do it later.” Garret doesn’t sound cheery at all and his serious tone knocks me back to the cold hard reality I don’t want to exist. He takes the blanket from me and throws it on the ground. “Jade, don’t act like this is over.”
Promising You (The Jade Series #4) Page 26
