I gave her my best tough guy glare, which never seemed to work on her before either. I sighed and told her I’d have a word with Max and see what I could do. I left the med lab and started to look for Zoe, I could hear Artemis giggling again and she started singing a song.
“Seth and Zoe, sitting in a tree, K. I. S. S. I. N. G.”
I found Zoe in her cabin, sitting on her bunk with her hands in her lap. I sat down beside her and bumped her shoulder with mine. She looked up at me and I could see she’s been crying. I put my arm around her and she leaned into me. I thought it was time I explained a few things to her.
“Zoe, what happened between us? It was good. It was what we both needed right then and I don’t regret it at all. But we live day in day out within arm’s reach of not only each other, but all the rest of the crew as well. On top of all that, I have a responsibility to you, one I take very seriously. My role is to guide you and help you grow as a space traveller, to make sure you have all the support you need to become an experienced, reliable member of this crew. It’s a role that has the potential for me to take advantage of the relationship. I don’t want to hurt you, but I also have to put the rest of the crew into that picture as well. This can’t be good for the crew’s morale.”
She looked up at me then.
“But they love you. Wouldn’t they want you to be happy?”
“Yes, there’s that. But what if this doesn’t work out between us? Will you leave the ship? If not, can you stand to be around someone who’s hurt you? How will it affect your performance? How will it affect mine? Will the tension we generate be detrimental to our crew?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t mean to get upset, it was just that bitch. She sure know how to push buttons.”
“She’s manipulative, I told you that remember? I said she’d use sex as a tool to get what she wants, and I didn’t necessarily mean her own.”
“So that’s it? There’s no talking about…this?” She indicated she meant her and me.
“When we were hit by that boarding pod, and I heard it hit the living spaces, all I could think about was your safety. I nearly headed directly to your cabin to make sure you were safe. I can’t think like that. I have other responsibilities as well, ones that are just as important as you.”
“But we, we weren’t…we hadn’t gotten together then…”
I thought about that. She was right, I was already thinking about her that way before the attack. With her sitting beside me, our sides touching, I could feel her warmth, and I didn’t mean the temperature of her body. She really cared about me.
“I guess I’ve started to have these emotions since we started talking.”
“About your PTSD?”
“Yeah. I didn’t really think of you as someone I could be with before then, I was too fixated on my responsibilities. I know Fel’negr and Crege would both disapprove of us. Crege especially.”
“What about Max?”
That was a tough one. “You know, I think I should ask her. She once dated my father back when he was the Captain, you know?”
This surprised her.
“Wow, she could be your mum!”
“No, I’m pretty sure they would have told me if that was the case. I tell you what, I’ll go talk to her, privately. See what she says about this mess we’ve gotten ourselves into.” I stood up and she stood with me.
“Okay, but if she doesn’t allow this, I want one more kiss before I lose you.” I was only too happy to oblige. Who was I do deny such a request?
I found Max in her cabin, where she’s been spending most of her time lately. She was sitting at her writing desk and staring out her view port at the strange colours and patterns that were moving beyond it. It wasn’t a real port hole, but an image created from an external sensor.
While a ship moved along the string that connected two Jump Gates, space outside was strange. It was almost like we were moving through a nebula, only there were large organic looking shapes and spiralling lines everywhere you looked. The ship itself moved down a diaphanous tunnel of sorts, the sides always seeming to be the exact distance apart no matter how close the ship got to them. Superstitious space farers believed that staring too long at the brane outside the string would send you mad. I wasn’t so sure.
Max was sipping a mug of coffee and turned to face me when I entered.
“Captain, can you talk?”
“Of course, Donny.”
“First up, Artemis is looking a lot healthier. I think we’re past the stage where we have to worry about her dying on us ad taking out the engine spaces.”
“Good, sooner we get her on her feet the sooner I can kick her arse. We need to find out from her what the Koveli-Xue Corporation wants with her and this damned package.”
“Can we at least give her access to the ship’s local network? She’s getting bored and taking it out on the crew. We give her something to do besides tease us and maybe we can get some work done. It’s affecting crew morale.”
She sighed, “All right, I’ll tell Fel he and give her a restricted login.”
That’s one bullet dodged. Now for the other one.
“I feel it’s my duty to inform you that Zoe and I, well we…” I suddenly felt really embarrassed to be talking about my sex life with someone I’ve always considered the only parent figure in my life.
“You….?” She offered.
“Well, we kind of, you know?”
“What? No I don’t know? Just say it.”
“Max! We slept together!” There I said it. My face was heating up again.
“Oh. Oh!” She did a double take.
“I’m sorry, I know that I’m her Space Daddy and that I shouldn’t…”
“Who cares? I’m happy for you!”
“You are?”
“Yes! She’s a lovely girl!”
“But I’m…she’s…”
“You’re a man, she’s a woman. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you like someone.”
“But…”
“Look, life is precious out here on the frontier. Our last few weeks should have shown you that. You have to find happiness wherever you can find it. If that person can fulfil more needs than just physical comfort, then all the better. You like her? Great. I like her too.”
“You do?”
“I hired her didn’t I?”
“Did you hire her entirely just for my benefit?”
“Ha-ha! You’re a cheeky bastard, aren’t you?”
“I just thought, that it would be inappropriate. Crege and Fel said…”
“Those two are the only members of their race on this ship. The poor bastards haven’t had a piece of skirt from their own kind in years. Sure, they might bleat on about honour and responsibility, but I bet if hired a Garz’a woman next time I’m hiring Crege would practically jump her bones.”
“You’re not worried that I’ll make things complicated for us and the crew? You’re not worried that it might affect my priorities during a crisis?”
“What? You think I’ll have a problem with you putting the life of our only doctor above one of the others?”
“That’s not what I mean!”
“Look, I trust you, Donny. You’re a bit thick sometimes, but I know when the shit hits the fan that you’ll pull us through. You’ve done so many times already, despite going through all that heavy shit from your time with the marines. I want the best for you, and if you say you like her, that’s enough for me.”
She stood up and gave me a fierce hug. I felt really foolish, thinking that Max wouldn’t approve of us. I felt good about it now.
“So, how is that other thing going?”
“What other…oh, the PTSD?”
“No, but that’s a start.”
“You mean the Nano-proliferation? I’m warming up to the idea. I’ve learnt a fair bit. Those vids helped.”
“But you’re not totally sold yet?”
“Not one-hundred percent. At least I don’t think I’ll turn i
nto the bogeyman if I get it. Besides, they sound very expensive. I don’t think it’s going to be something that will just fall into my lap any time soon. I’ll keep thinking about it.”
“Okay, now how about that other thing?”
“Zoe’s been helping a lot…”
“I bet she has!” she couldn’t help but laugh, and my face went bright red again, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! God, I feel like a schoolgirl. Okay, sorry. Go ahead.”
“I haven’t fully opened up about what happened, but I don’t feel like it’s something I have to hide from anymore. I don’t feel ashamed about it either.”
“That’s really great news. I’m proud of you, son.” She squeezed my elbow and gave me another smile. I returned the smile and left, heading for my own cabin.
Zoe, can you come to my cabin, please?
Sure, what’s up?
I just spoke with Max.
And?
I’ll show you when you get to my cabin.
Show me? I’M ON MY WAY!
17.
We were in the brane between star systems for just over three days. It was a good time, on board. Spirits were high, despite the fact that we’d just been hammered by a Corporate drone attack and then threatened by some seriously bad people. Not to mention we still hadn’t found all the bombs or worked out how to remove the one’s we had found. Besides all that, we were generally in a good mood.
Artemis was practically bed ridden, so maybe that had something to do with it. Zoe spent more time in my cabin than in her own, to let Artemis rest, of course, and despite not getting much sleep I was also in good spirits. Now that I’d put all sense of inappropriateness behind me regarding Zoe and me, I found that I could talk to her more freely than before. Being in a new relationship must make it a lot easier to talk about emotions, as new, raw and powerful ones are at the forefront of your mind. Digging a little deeper to find the troubling ones is easier then.
I learned, through talking with Zoe, that the root of my PTSD wasn’t the horrific injuries I’d sustained, but something called survivor’s guilt. My whole squad had been killed, many right before my eyes, and I was helpless to stop it. No matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t good enough and they were killed regardless. Many were not good deaths. The sense of abandonment I felt when our evacuation ship had left without us was another strong cause of my trauma. Zoe explained that in times of extreme stress we compartmentalise our thought processes, shut down higher functions and devote our time and thoughts to more base needs and desires. I’d been stranded deep in enemy territory for a time, and only survived through my wits alone. I’d been like an animal, near the end, I killed without thought, butchering the enemy with whatever weapons I could find. I’d stowed away aboard a Ghantri ship that was probing the blockade, and managed to launch myself out of an escape pod. The Ghantri had opened fire, and they nearly killed me. A Protectorate picket ship picked me up, hoping to capture a Ghantri prisoner of war.
I told her of my recovery, of how I’d been awarded a medal by the Star Marines. It didn’t feel like I’d deserved it, as all my friends were dead and I made it out. She told me that I could think of the medal as being theirs, instead of mine. That way, whenever I see it I don’t think of how I failed them, I could celebrate their life and their courage instead. For the first time since I’d been awarded the medal, I could hold it and see it for what it was. It wasn’t my medal, it was my squads.
Now that I felt I had something with which to remember my fallen comrades, I had a focus for my pain. It burned, a smouldering fire deep within me. It stoked the embers of my broken soul, and then I found that I wanted to return to Gossamer. Not as a broken, traumatised or tortured soldier, but as a force of vengeance.
I think it was some time in the early hours of ship time morning, when I decided that if I had the chance I would get the nano-proliferation proto-chip. Zoe lay beside me, quietly snoring, and I was awake as I often am at this hour. My nightmares weren’t troubling me, they hadn’t for a few days now since I’d changed the way I thought about my squad’s medal, and I had a clarity of purpose. I sent a quick message to Max, she was usually awake at this hour as well.
I’m in. I’ll get NP.
Good boy. She didn’t elaborate.
That morning I got up and grabbed something to eat, then checked to see if Crege was up for some exercise. As usual, he was. We spared for an hour, and was surprised to find Artemis had managed to haul her sorry arse out of bed and came down to watch. She seemed tolerable, perhaps having access to the ship’s plethora of entertainment vids, literature and music was enough to keep her from being bored after all.
When I got back to my cabin Zoe was gone, but there was a grey plastic carry case resting on my bunk. On it was a note that read in Max’s chicken scratch hand writing:
This just fell into my lap xx
Curious, I popped the latch and opened it. Inside was a foam encased auto-injector and a data chip. I thumbed the chip and activated its wireless link to my overlay. Its data started to stream into my vision. It was an operator’s guide to injecting a nano-proliferation proto-chip.
Where did you get this? I texted Max.
I’ve had it for a while, Doctor Shale gave it to me during our last appointment with him.
But this must have cost a fortune.
Not really, the most expensive part of NP is getting the secondary Augs, which you already have. Besides, I used your mustering out bonus to buy it.
That was meant to go towards the ship!
And it did. You’re an integral part of the Dreaming of Atmosphere, Donny. Don’t forget that.
I sat for a moment and just stared at the auto-injector. Then I said what the hell, grabbed the syringe and stabbed it into the base of my skull under my left ear. I won’t lie, the pain almost made me pass out. There was a warm, almost burning sensation around the wound. I started to form a splitting headache and stood to get a painkiller but suddenly the room began to spin. I tried to sit back down but missed the bed and bounced to the deck. I lay on my side, unable to move. I could see tiny black dots starting to swim through my vision and my overlay started to turn into garbled text. I tried to scream as the pain became intense, but my lungs wouldn’t work. A searing, white light exploded in my vision, then I faded out to comforting darkness.
Apparently, Zoe found me like that when I was late for my watch keeping stint with her. She called Max and Crege and they hauled my comatose form down to md lab. Zoe saw the injector on the deck next to me and asked Max what had happened. She was furious, I was told later, at me for doing this on my own. I can’t blame her, I probably should have gotten the ship’s doctor to do it for me.
I had the most vivid dream while I was out. I was floating in a dark sea at night, lit from under the water by faintly glowing plankton. The water was warm, and calm. I tasted the water and it tasted like tears. Then I realised I was the plankton. No, I was a broad cloud of microscopic robots, alive with energy and purpose. I was afloat not in the sea, but in an ocean of information. The warmth was the warm blood of life. I felt all the connections between all the nanites, and experienced a feeling of being in many places at once. It was both terrifying and liberating.
Then I was me again, floating in a sea of nanites. I could still sense them all, and with a whoop of joy I formed a whale of the nanites and sent it soaring out of the water in a graceful arc, smashing it back into the sea and losing its form. I made creatures of all shapes and size, I rode them, I swam with them. I made a Zoe from the nanites and we swam together.
The nano-Zoe spoke to me, she said “Wake up.”
I awoke with a start. Zoe was beside me, and I lay on the med lab bunk. Several probes were attached to my head and my bare chest. I groaned and she saw that I was awake. She smiled down at me.
“Hello, there. Don’t get up, you’ll be a little weak.”
Being a man, and not having much common sense, I made to rise from the bunk. Nausea instantly crashed me back down to
the pillow. I rubbed my hand over my face and found there was several days’ worth of growth on my jaw. When I could talk, I did.
“How long have I been out?”
“Four days. You’re an idiot, by the way.”
“Yeah, sorry. I should have gotten you.”
“Did you read the instructions?”
“Sort of. Not really. Just where to put the injector.”
“How do you feel?”
“Like I just lost a duel with Crege. Twice.”
“Anything unusual, besides the nausea and the headache?”
“An overwhelming desire to kiss you?”
“Well, looks like your libido is ok. That’s a start. No nerve pain? No issues with your Augs?”
I ran a quick diagnostic on my overlay. Everything checked out. I then noticed another indicator on my overlay. It was a small icon of a lightning bolt in a box.
“That’s strange.”
“What is it?”
“A new icon on my overlay.”
“That’s your charge indicator.”
“My what?”
“You really didn’t read those instructions did you?”
“No. I’m starting to see the lack of wisdom in that, by the way.”
“Access it.”
I activated the icon and another window appeared, showing a few measurement such as joules, BTUs and ionic current. They were displayed in a series of bars that were fluctuating minutely, but were all green in colour.
“That’s your charge display. When you start using NP, you’ll begin to use up your body’s power and you can check your status in that window. Don’t let them get down to red, okay? You can have epileptic seizures and black outs if you let them get too low. I’ve loaded some more training vids onto your overlay, I suggest you actually watch these and read the manuals supporting them.”
“Okay, I will. Promise.”
“Good. I’ll change your IV, but I want you to try and drink something on your own. There’s a bucket by the bed. I’ll let you get some more rest.”
“Wait, we’re in Harakiwa?”
Dreaming of Atmosphere Page 13
