by L.H. Cosway
His words cut me deep and I pulled at his grip, but he held me too tightly and I couldn’t break free. “Don’t you dare try turning this around.”
“Why not?” he asked, his warm breath hitting my cheeks. “Yes, I listened to your phone call, but you were going to let me walk out of your flat completely oblivious to the fact that I was about to be fucked over. You know this isn’t the life I’d choose if there’d been another option, yet you were going to let me go to prison, Karla. Let that sink in for a minute. It killed me when you didn’t say anything, and I waited. I gave you every opportunity.”
The hurt in his eyes was plain as day, and the wind went right out of my sails. “I wanted to tell you,” I whispered. “But I just…I just couldn’t.”
“Of course you couldn’t, because you care more about being a cop and saving all the people you perceive as innocent than you’ll ever care about me. You’ll never see that the world isn’t all black and white.” Anger and anguish mixed in his voice as it cracked around the edges, catching. “Sometimes the innocent ones are guilty only because the world didn’t give them a chance to stay innocent. Maybe I’m the one you should think about saving.”
Right in that moment my gut sank. His anger was too sad to be angry at in return, and for a second all I saw was a hurt little boy. When I spoke, I kept my voice gentle. “I’ve tried talking to you about going clean, but you won’t hear a word of it.”
His mouth twisted as he gestured around us. “Because I’m in too fucking deep, I told you that!”
“I can help you. There are things we can look into, procedures.”
Lee laughed harshly, shaking his head, “God, look at you, still a fucking cop. Always a fucking cop. Can you just be on my side for one bloody second?”
Any tenderness in my voice vanished, and my expression hardened. “I was a cop long before I met you, Lee, and I’ve barely even scratched the surface of knowing who you are, so how can you expect loyalty when it hasn’t been earned?”
He bent his head to look me directly in the eye, his lips mere centimetres from mine. “Don’t pretend like you can’t feel what’s between us.” He paused, his voice dropping low. “I’ve been deep inside you, Karla. I know who you are and you know who I am. You’re just too scared to admit it.”
I shook my head, refusing to listen to him rationalise so irrationally. “Lee, we need to be smart. This thing we’re doing is going to destroy us. Look what’s happened already. I love being with you, but all this” — I peered at him despairingly — “it’s not worth it.”
He shook his head. “You don’t believe that.”
“I do. I believe it. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life, but so long as it stays the same, we can’t be together. I’m sorry.”
I took a step back and he let me go. Tears prickled at my eyes, but I refused to let them fall, not wanting to look weak. Lee’s features turned hard, his eyes thin slices of blue. We stared at each other for a long time, until the tension in the small room became unbearable.
“I have to go,” I said, turning on my heel and unlocking the door. Stepping out into the hallway, I found it was empty, the garage quiet now that most of the search team had left. Lee didn’t call for me to stay or come after me, and as I walked away from him, I brought my fingers to my cheeks, wiping away the tears.
Fifteen
Back at the station that afternoon, it was a rare occasion that I saw my dad. My emotions were still a little off kilter after what had happened with Lee, so I wasn’t sure I was fit to deal with my father. Luckily, he was there in a professional capacity, to debrief the team after the failed search. Not surprisingly, Jennings was nowhere to be seen, and I had to admit I was slightly disappointed. There was some weird part of me that wanted to see them interact, perhaps do something to prove that Jennings had been lying about their affair.
I sat at the back of the room in between Tony and Keira, listening to him talk about how the search was connected to a much larger case, the one he’d been working on to take down Tommy McGregor.
I could barely breathe as he clicked through a series of projected images, all displaying pictures and evidence on the powerful crime lord. It was suspected that the Cross garage was one of his main sources of high-end stolen vehicles, and they had pictures of all the brothers. My heart stuttered when a surveillance shot of Lee came on the screen. He was crossing the street, his phone held to his ear as he took a drag out of a cigarette. Tiny pinpricks tickled at my palms, and my mouth felt dry as a bone.
They’d misjudged the setup, though, suspecting that Stu was heading the operation since he was the eldest. Everything fell into place. Lee’s boss was McGregor; that was why he’d been at the warehouse the night of the rave.
“Unfortunately for the investigation,” my dad went on sourly, “information was leaked that the garage was to be searched today, which as you all know, resulted in the place being cleaner than a priest on Sunday.”
Little did he know, the source of that leak was me. I’d never felt more conflicted in my entire seven years on the job. When Dad finished up the debriefing, I stood on shaky legs and made my way to the front of the room, where he was talking seriously with one of the sergeants. I waited until they were done before approaching him.
“Dad,” I said, and his eyes came to me.
“Constable,” he replied formally, refusing to use my actual name. We never really spoke to one another at work, but it still hardened me inside that he couldn’t even bring himself to acknowledge that I was his daughter in front of colleagues. It was perplexing that I’d approached him at all, but for some reason I had the sudden urge to talk to him.
“Do you have time for a quick cup of tea?” I asked.
For a brief moment he looked disgruntled, put out by the idea of actually spending some small amount of his precious time with me. A few moments went by before he finally nodded, glancing at his watch. “Yes, but not long.”
“There’s a café across the street,” I suggested and got another nod.
We walked in silence out of the station and over the road, not speaking until the waitress had brought us our beverages. Dad studied me curiously, and a little impatiently, waiting for me to speak.
“I spoke to DI Jennings the other day. She told me some stuff,” I began, and Dad’s posture stiffened.
“That woman has no business telling you anything,” he practically grunted.
“I’ll take that as confirmation that what she told me is true, then, shall I?”
He turned away, staring out the window as he brought his teacup to his mouth and took a sip. I clasped my hands together, my stomach in knots.
“I can’t believe you’d do that to Mum,” I said, breaking the silence. “She’s never been anything but loyal to you, more loyal than you deserve.”
“It was a long time ago, Karla. I’ve put it behind me,” he answered, dismissive.
“Well, Jennings certainly hasn’t. Have you any idea what it’s like for me working with her? She literally goes out of her way to fuck with me every single day.”
Dad bristled at my use of language, but he didn’t reprimand me for it. “Katherine’s always been volatile,” he said, and if I wasn’t mistaken, there was a note of affection in his voice. Was he shitting me? I’d never heard him sound like that before, not even with Mum.
“You let the men who beat her go free,” I said, and the vein in his neck began to throb.
“Don’t try to act like you understand any of it, Karla. You were only a child when it happened.”
“I understand that you could have easily given a witness statement describing the men who broke into her home, but you refused.” What I really wanted to say was left unspoken, but I could see he knew what I was thinking. It was a cowardly act.
“Do you think I don’t regret what I did?” Dad asked after a long stretch of silence. His question surprised me as I levelled my eyes on him.
“I don’t know. Do you?”
&nbs
p; “Of course I do. I was young, afraid of damaging my reputation. Why on earth do you think I’ve been putting all my energy into the McGregor case? What we had is in the past. It’ll never been rekindled, but I’m trying to do right by Katherine by finally putting that monster away for good, even if it might be years too late.”
“McGregor’s the one who beat her?”
Dad nodded soberly. “He and his men. You were a wee girl at the time, and you’d just started expressing an interest in the police. It was ridiculous. Why any woman would put herself in harm’s way like that still astounds me.”
Even though what he said pissed me off, I could read between the lines. He’d never admit it out loud, but maybe he didn’t like the idea of me becoming a policewoman because it frightened him. It was a little bit sad that he’d never be able to show weakness, admit his fears, even to his own daughter. He was too hard, too gruff, to ever be any kind of loving presence in my life, for us to ever have a relationship where we could share our feelings without worry of being judged. And on the matter of women joining the force, we were destined to forever disagree. Truthfully, it was a sorry state of affairs, because I’d known him my whole life, and that was long enough to know he’d never change, would never learn to admit he was wrong.
“I think you’ll find, Dad, that men are made of flesh and bone just like women. They can be hurt, too. This has nothing to do with gender. Katherine was just unlucky, as I’m sure many male officers have been.”
“You’re not as strong. That’s a genetic fact,” Dad countered.
“We’re not weak, either — far from it.”
He stared at me, silent, and it felt like we’d come to something of an impasse. I’d hardly touched my tea, but Dad picked his up, downing the rest of it before rising from the table.
“I have to get back,” he said, acting like we hadn’t just been discussing something as monumentally important as we had. “If you can spare the time, it’d make your mother happy to see you visit this week.”
With that he left, and I watched him go.
The following evening, I decided to pay a visit to the gym. What with everything that had been happening, I’d been falling behind on my workouts. Reya had a gig, so she couldn’t come along, but I didn’t mind. I needed some time alone to clear my head, my feet pounding hard on the treadmill as I pumped my legs fast. I was a hot, sweaty mess by the time I finished, and made my way to the showers, where I scrubbed my body clean.
My head was full of conflicting thoughts, the foremost being what was going to happen to Lee when my dad finally arrested McGregor. Would he get caught in the crossfire, just another piece of collateral damage? Or would he finally be free of the life he was embroiled in?
I so desperately wanted him to look me in the eye and promise he was going to clean up his act, get out of the game. But perhaps I was overestimating what I meant to him. Perhaps I’d allowed my feelings to grow too deep.
Piling my wet hair up into a messy bun, I quickly dressed in a T-shirt and some yoga pants before making my way out of the changing rooms to head home. I stopped in my tracks as soon as I stepped out and found Lee waiting for me. The gym was due to close in half an hour, so there weren’t many people around. He stood leaning back against the wall, his arms folded across his chest as he eyed me.
“Hi,” I said, wondering what he was doing here. After how we left things yesterday, I didn’t think he’d want to see me again. I’d told him I didn’t want to see him, but I knew the statement had fallen flat. I couldn’t even convince myself it was true, never mind anyone else. His gaze travelled from my wet, messy hair to the scooped neckline of my T-shirt.
“Snap,” said Lee, pushing off the wall and stepping toward me.
“Is everything all right?” I asked.
“Is it ever?” he asked back, expressionless.
“I’m sorry about yesterday.” I eyed him meaningfully, my gaze flickering over his face. There was a tension in his features, and he seemed stressed.
“Nothing for you to be sorry about. We were both amped up, and everyone says shit they don’t mean when they’re angry.” He paused, seeming tired, and ran a hand over his stubble. “Anyway, we both knew what we were getting into.”
“But we got into it anyway,” I finished.
He let out a quick breath. “Yeah, we did.”
“Well, at least we were clever enough to end things before they got out of hand.”
Lee’s eyes sharpened, his lips forming a straight line, and I could tell that what I’d said pissed him off. All I got out of him was a flat, “Huh.”
“So, I guess I’ll be seeing you,” I said, moving to walk by him. He stepped in my way, blocking my path, and kept coming forward, forcing me to retreat until my back hit the wall. Pressing his entire body into mine, he whispered, “You think it’s going to be that easy, Karla?”
His question made me swallow as I brought my hands to his chest and pushed. He barely moved an inch. In fact, my pushing him only incited him to press into me harder. I could feel every inch of his torso, from his hard pecs and abs to the beat of his heart thumping wildly at his collarbone.
“Don’t do this,” I pleaded.
“I miss how you feel,” he said, his voice deep and sensual.
My body grew soft against his, the tone he used making me melt. I needed to be stronger. “You should hate me.”
“I know, but I can’t. I don’t think I ever could.”
“Lee, you’re making this harder than it needs to be,” I said, my hands moving up from his chest to touch his neck. “It’ll be easier if we don’t see each other. Proximity is a problem for us, you know that.”
He dipped his head, his mouth touching my earlobe. “I can’t help it that you draw me in.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I want you back in my bed. I want to feel you shake for me.”
I trembled, my throat catching as I responded, “It can’t happen.”
“It can. You just have to let it. I’ll take care of everything else.”
Suddenly, I realised I was letting him get to me just like I always did. I was letting him blur my vision and jumble up my thoughts with sex. His mouth fell from my earlobe as I drew back as far as I could.
“But don’t you see, that’s just the thing. You’re not taking care of anything. You’ve gotten away with murder for so long that you’ve lost your fear. I know you steal. I know you work for a dangerous man, but you have to get out now.” I paused to catch my breath and eyed him pointedly. “You have to get out before it’s too late, and, believe me when I say this, it’s going to be too late very soon, Lee.”
His brow furrowed, and I hoped he got my message. I couldn’t say it outright, but I could warn him in my own particular way.
“What are you saying?”
“The other morning I was silent. Well, now I’m not. You need to listen to me. Otherwise, I can’t predict what might happen to you and your family. Do you understand?”
His eyes grew serious as his lips firmed, and a long moment of quiet passed before he nodded. “Yeah, I get you.”
I exhaled deeply, knowing I’d done my bit. Now it was down to him to make things right. My dad was gunning for McGregor, and it was personal. He wasn’t going to stop until he took down him and everyone who worked for him. I just hoped Lee pulled himself and his brothers out of the building before the bomb went off.
“I’m going home now,” I said. “I have to work in the morning.”
Lee allowed me to move away, but only because he was deep in thought. Reaching down, I took his hand in mine and gave it a soft squeeze before continuing on my way. It was a relief to know he’d taken my words to heart, and some of the tension inside me eased, knowing that Lee and his brothers might get a chance at a different kind of life.
The entire concept was flipped entirely on its ear the very next day when I arrived at the station to find the place packed to the rafters. Young men lined either side of the reception area, all sporting handcuffs. I
had no idea what was going on, but one thing was clear: If the men hadn’t been restrained, we would’ve had a riot on our hands. Hostility permeated the air like a real live thing.
It was only as my eyes travelled over those present that I saw Liam, Trevor, and Lee all standing by one wall. A constable began guiding Lee through the double doors that led to the interview rooms. Despite the fact that his face was all cut up, he wore a wide grin that was directed firmly at a dark-skinned guy on the other side of the room. Blood stained Lee’s forehead, and there was a wound on his chin.
When I took a proper look at the man he was grinning at (who, by the way, was seething back at him), I recognised the neck tattoo. It was the same bloke who’d tried to intimidate me outside the grocery shop that one evening, the one I’d told Lee about. The blood in my veins turned to ice as an unsettling idea came upon me. This wasn’t about that, was it?
“Real brave grinning at me like a smug fuck when I can’t do nothing about it,” said the neck tattoo. “Where’d you leave your balls, Cross?”
“Left them under your mum’s bed. She’s keepin’ them warm for me,” Lee quipped, and the neck tattoo dove for him right before two officers hurried to hold him back.
I stood in place watching it all unfold, and Lee’s smile faltered only slightly when his eyes finally landed on me. He hadn’t been expecting to see me there, that much was clear, perhaps because I’d told him last night that I had to work early. It was a lie to end our conversation. I wasn’t due in until midday, which was why I was still on shift.
His jaw firmed as the constable continued to lead him from the room. I hurried over to Tony to ask what was going on.
“Seems to be some kind of gang rivalry. A woman called in to report the fighting going on outside her building. No weapons were involved, but a few of them are in a bad way. And get this, it was the Cross brothers who started the fight. The eldest one is being interviewed right now, and I’m about to question the other,” Tony paused to glance down at the file he was holding. “Lee Cross. You wouldn’t mind sitting in on it, would you? You’ve dealt with him before. Maybe he’ll be more inclined to talk to a familiar face.”
