She gasped lightly, and he smiled to himself. That was the sound he had so craved to hear. And as her legs came around his waist, pulling him closer, deeper, he stopped asking himself what it was he was feeling and only felt grateful that he’d found it again.
Dipping his head to claim a kiss, Tom gave himself over to the sensations pouring through him. Locked inside Kate’s body, he relentlessly pushed them both higher and higher until the only way to find release was to plunge together off the edge of the precipice.
And when they fell, they were safe in each other’s arms.
Sated and secure in the crook of his arm, Kate knew that it was now or never. She’d already changed her battle plan, although she could admit now that it had never been a very good one. How could withholding love—even physical love—teach a man how to love?
No, she told herself as she listened to the steady beat of Thomas’s heart beneath her cheek, the only way to fight the war for his love was to use the right ammunition. Why shouldn’t she profess her love for him? Why should she pretend to be something she wasn’t?
Maybe, if he heard her say the words often enough, he would eventually come to believe in them and actually say them himself. Surely any man confronted with love, there for the taking, would see that it was a good thing. Something to cling to and cherish, not to hold at arm’s length.
So, she’d shift battle plans again and use her love as her most powerful weapon. Day by day, night by night, she would eat away at his defenses. Until finally he would understand that love would make him—them stronger.
Running the flat of her hand across his chest, she whispered hesitantly, “Thomas—”
He gave her a brief, tight squeeze. “Please don’t tell me you think we should go back to separate bedrooms, Kate.”
“Not at all,” she said quickly, levering up on one elbow to look down at him. Never again, she thought. If she was to convince him to love her, she would need every bit of ammo she could get. Especially sharing a bed with him. “I just wanted to say something.”
He looked up at her, and Kate’s heartbeat staggered with the strength of her love for him. She could survive without him, she knew. But it would be only that. Survival. She wanted more for herself. For her baby. For him.
She wanted life. And love. With a capital L.
With that thought firmly in mind, she took a deep breath and blurted out the truth she’d hidden from him for three long years. “I love you, Thomas.”
Instantly a shield went up across his eyes. She watched him stiffen, watched his features tighten, and spoke again quickly, before he had a chance to erect barriers too fierce to breach.
“I’m not asking to hear the same thing from you,” she told him and added silently, not yet, anyway. “I just wanted you to know.”
“Kate,” he said, his voice low, deep and careful. “I’ve already told you. Love is just not something I’m good at.”
You’re wrong, she said silently. So wrong. Couldn’t he see how he was with her? With Donna? Was the man so blind as to think that one failure destined him to a long series of the same? She wanted to shake him, but knew it wouldn’t do any good. Instead, she said, “I think you’re wrong, Thomas. But it doesn’t matter what I think. You’re the only one who can decide to let love be a part of your life.”
He inhaled deeply, as if preparing to defend himself, but Kate spoke up quickly, cutting him off before he had a chance to say anything.
“I love you,” she repeated. “That love doesn’t cost you anything. Doesn’t depend on you for anything. Doesn’t come with a list of requirements. It just is.”
“Kate, honey, why are you saying this now?”
“We’re married, Thomas. We’re going to have a baby. And I wanted you to know that I love you.” It felt good to finally say the words, even though she would have dearly loved to hear them in return. For now, it had to be enough that she loved him and he knew it.
Snuggling down beside him, she laid her head on his chest and smiled when his arms came around her. But her smile faded slightly a moment later when he whispered. “Love wasn’t part of our bargain, Kate.”
“Bargains change, Thomas. People change.” In fact, she was betting their future that he would change. That he could learn to accept love as the greatest gift.
He sighed heavily and ran one hand across her hair. “I can’t promise to love you, Kate. But I swear I’ll do my best by you and the baby.”
Her heart breaking just a little, she murmured, “I know you will, Thomas. I know.”
“Don’t give up on him, Kate,” Donna said. “He’s worth the fight.”
Kate gripped the telephone tightly and said, “I know, Donna. It’s just that—”
“He’s hardheaded, but he’s not stupid.”
Kate smiled and reached for her pen. Doodling on a notepad while Donna talked, she wasn’t even surprised to find herself drawing little circles that wrapped around and around each other. It seemed to sum up her life lately. Ever since she’d confessed her love to Thomas, she’d been spinning in circles.
On the surface, nothing had changed in their marriage but her bedroom. Now she spent every night in Thomas’s big bed. Her body was well loved, but her soul was starving to death.
Damn his stubbornness. She knew he loved her. She felt it when he touched her. Heard it in his voice. But without the words, a piece of her heart died a little every day.
“Look,” Donna was saying now, “he’s a good guy, Kate. And whether he’s willing to admit it or not, he does love you.”
“The key is, he won’t admit it.” She shouldn’t be discussing this with the man’s daughter, for heaven’s sake. She hadn’t meant to get drawn into this conversation at all. But there was something about Donna that invited confidences.
“He will, you’ll see.” A long pause, and then she said, “I’ve never seen him this happy, Kate. Not with my mother. Not with anyone. And he deserves happiness as much as you do.”
“Thanks.”
“If you’d like, I could ask Jack to talk to him—”
“Good heavens, no!” Kate sat straight up. The one thing she didn’t want right now was for Thomas to know she was talking about him with Donna.
“Just as well. Jack probably wouldn’t do it, anyway.”
“Look, Donna,” Kate said and glanced up when her adjutant opened the door. Motioning Eileen to wait a minute, she lowered her voice and said, “I know you’re trying to help, but really...don’t do anything. Okay?”
“Okay. I won’t.”
“Thank you. I’ve gotta go, so—”
“I’ll call you later in the week. Maybe we could take in a movie.”
“Sounds good. ‘Bye.” She hung up, then looked at Eileen. “What is it?”
“A letter for you. From Washington.” Eileen’s eyebrows lifted. “From General Thornton’s office.”
“Thanks,” Kate said, holding one hand out for the letter. When she was alone again, she slit the envelope, pulled out the single typed page and read.
“Major Candello, This letter is to restate my offer of a position on my staff. If you’re interested, please contact me and we can start working on the transfer papers.” It went on another paragraph or two, but the heart of the matter was simple. She’d been offered a prestigious job on a general’s staff.
Kate leaned back in her chair. Her career could take a fast leap here. This could lead to everything she’d ever worked for. Even a year ago she would have dropped everything in an effort to accept the general’s offer.
But just a year ago her career was all she had. That and a once-a-year tryst with Thomas. Now though... her gaze dropped to her abdomen and then to the gold band on her left hand.
There was so much more in her life than just furthering her career. There was family. There was love.
Wasn’t there?
Thoughtfully, she folded the letter and slipped it into the top drawer of her desk. She didn’t have to answer it right away. General Th
ornton hadn’t put a time limit on his offer. But she couldn’t help wondering what Thomas would say when—if she told him about it.
If?
No, she wouldn’t tell him. Not now, anyway. No sense talking about something that might not happen.
A week later Tom was still mulling over Kate’s confession. Though something inside him rejoiced to know that she loved him, there was another part of him that was simply terrified.
And sitting in the obstetrician’s office wasn’t helping anything.
He glanced around at the others in the tiny, pink-and-blue waiting room. He was the only man present. Kate had tried to tell him he didn’t have to go to her appointment, but Tom was adamant. This time around, he was going to do things right with his child from the beginning. Including his first ultrasound.
Leaning forward, he flipped through the magazines scattered across the low table, Parenting, Single Parenting , Breast-Feeding, Baby and me. Feeling more and more out of place, he selected one blindly and opened it to a particularly intriguing article entitled “The Scoop about Poop.”
Rolling his eyes, he tossed the magazine down and leaned back in his chair, crossing his hands over his middle. One of the pregnant women gave him a shy smile.
“Your first?” she asked.
“No, second,” he answered, not feeling it necessary to point out that his first had been born twentysome years before.
She rubbed one hand over a belly that looked as though it was about to pop and smiled tendedy. “She’s my first. I wish my husband had come with me. Your wife is a lucky woman.”
Tom doubted if Kate thought so at the moment. Despite what she said to the contrary, he knew damn well she would like to hear him say, I love you. He only wished he could.
But it had been too long. He was too old now to take that particular risk again. Wasn’t it enough that they were married? Having a baby? Even as he asked himself those questions, he knew the answer. No. It wasn’t enough.
Kate deserved better.
He only wished he could give it to her.
The door to the inner office swung wide and a too perky nurse peeked her head out. “Colonel Candello?”
He leaped to his feet
“At ease, Colonel,” the nurse said with a smile. “You can come in now. The show’s about to start.”
As he headed for the door, the young woman behind him said, “Good luck!”
“Thanks,” he answered, knowing he’d need all the luck he could get in the coming months.
Kate lay stretched out on the examining table, her white paper gown pushed up under her breasts, exposing an abdomen that had been coated with some kind of gel. Beside what looked like a small television set, the doctor sat on a swiveling stool. Seeing him enter, she swung her long hair out of her way and said, “Come on in, Dad. We’ve been waiting for you.”
Tom shot a look at Kate’s anxious face and hurriedly crossed the small room to her side. Giving her a tight smile, he took her hand and didn’t even wince when she squeezed it, hard.
“I’m glad you came, Thomas,” she said softly.
“Wouldn’t have missed it,” he told her honestly. Amazing how things had changed since the last time he’d become a father. Now it was routine to know the sex of your child before its birth. Routine to peek into its prebirth world.
Someone turned off the lights and the show started.
Tom’s stomach did a sudden, unexpected flip-flop and he held his breath, as entranced as Kate by the developing images on the screen.
Doctor Hauck wielded the ultrasound wand herself, smoothing the plastic device back and forth across Kate’s stomach. Tom found himself squinting at the gray screen, not really sure what he was looking for. They hadn’t had these gizmos the last time he’d been an expectant father. Or at least, if they had, he hadn’t been aware of it.
But then, he recalled sadly, he hadn’t been aware of a lot of things.
“There she is,” the doctor crowed.
“Oh my,” Kate whispered, giving his hand another squeeze.
“She?” Tom asked, squinting harder. How did they see these things?”
“All of my babies are she’s until proven otherwise,” the doctor told him with a chuckle. “And I think we’re about to find out the answer to that little mystery. See how she’s turning?”
Where? Tom thought, narrowing his gaze farther as he tried to make sense of the images on the screen.
As if she’d heard his thoughts, the doctor reached up and with her index finger, traced the outline of his child.
“There’s her head and her arms and legs and—”
His mouth went dry. His baby. Right there for everyone to see. Amazing. The secrets of life, always hidden from mere men were all of a sudden out in the open. He felt blessed in a way that he’d never expected. And somehow, humbled by the miracle that was playing out right in front of him.
“Oops,” Doctor Hauck announced, “excuse me, everybody! Make that his head, his arms and legs...”
“A boy,” Kate said with wonder.
“Definitely,” the doctor said, laughing.
“A son,” Tom whispered the words, a bit awestruck. Though he would have been just as pleased with a daughter, a boy would be fun, too. He had a daughter. He’d experienced first dances and boyfriends and marathon telephone sessions. Now he would get a chance to experience the other side of the spectrum.
Instantly images of Little League games, baseball caps and marbles floated in front of his eyes. He could almost see the child, with Kate’s shining blue eyes and wide smile.
He continued to watch the screen, marveling at this first movie of his child. Then his gaze focused on one specific area. “What’s that pulsing thing there?” he heard himself ask.
Doctor Hauck turned toward him. Smiling gently, she said, “That, Colonel Candello, is your son’s heart beating.”
His eyes widened as he stared at the image on the screen.
If someone had punched him in the stomach, he couldn’t have felt the hit harder. Wonder filled him. A film of unexpected tears sheened his eyes. He struggled to draw air into his lungs as he tore his gaze from flickering images long enough to look down at Kate.
She looked as thunderstruck as he felt. Not even surprised to find a tear streaking along her cheek, he smoothed it away with the pad of his thumb. Then he bent down low and whispered in her ear, “Thank you, Kate. Thank you for this moment.”
“I love you,” she said just as quietly.
And somehow, hearing those words now, felt right.
“I know,” he said, awed as much by her as by the sight of his unborn child.
Twelve
Days became weeks, and the weeks swiftly turned into months. Time was slipping by, and Kate was no closer to claiming Thomas’s love.
Feeling the need to talk to someone, Kate found herself at Evie’s house. Leaning against Evie’s porch railing, Kate sighed. Oh, Thomas was caring, kind and considerate. They shared the chores at home, although he did most of the cooking now. They went for long walks, discussed baby names, indulged in tentative plans for their son’s distant future and shopped for baby clothes and furniture.
He accompanied her to all of her doctor’s appointments. He bought a copy of every parenting book he came across and had signed them both up for Lamaze classes. In fact, ever since that first ultrasound, he’d shown nothing but enthusiasm for the coming baby.
In short, he was the perfect father-to-be.
That should make her happy, she knew.
Instead, Kate found herself wishing Thomas would feel for her just half of what he was feeling for the baby. Embarrassing...and sad, to admit to almost being jealous of your unborn child.
Kate’s hand dropped to her well-rounded belly as if apologizing for her thoughts.
“Baby kicking?” Evie asked gently.
“No,” she answered, glancing at her former neighbor and landlady. “It’s not the baby, it’s me.”
“Whatever could
be bothering you on such a glorious day?” the older woman asked as she poured two glasses of iced tea.
Kate stared out across the lawn, noting absently that Evie had added one or two plaster gnomes to the menagerie dancing across the recently mowed grass. The pansies along the walkway dipped their colorful heads in a soft breeze, and the sunshine reaching the porch where they sat was dappled and softened by the vivid, purple blooms of a giant jacaranda tree.
It really was a beautiful day. Too beautiful to feel as wretched as she did. But it was damned hard to maintain a happy face when faced with the growing knowledge that your husband was never going to love you.
Her lips twisted as the too-familiar ache in her heart blossomed.
“Honey,” Evie said, reaching out to pat one of Kate’s hands. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Only everything,” Kate muttered, then flashed the older woman a wry smile. “Sorry you asked?”
Evie’s features softened into an expression of quiet understanding. “Not a bit,” she assured her. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know.” Picking up one of the green glass tumblers, she handed it to Kate and said, “Take a sip, then spill your guts.”
Kate blinked.
“Metaphorically speaking, of course,” Evie told her with a smile.
“I don’t even know where to start.”
“Start wherever you want to, then skip around to fill in the blanks.”
She did need to talk to somebody. Kate couldn’t very well go to Donna with her worries. Not only did the woman have enough to think about, being only a few weeks further along in her pregnancy than Kate, but Thomas was her father.
So she had come to Evie. The older woman had always struck Kate as a very practical, common sense kind of person. And right now, she could use some advice.
Setting her iced tea down on the glass-topped table beside her, Kate took a deep breath and started talking. And when she was finally finished, Evie leaned back in her chair and stared at her thoughtfully. ‘You do have a problem or two, don’t you?”
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