She sat on her bed and just wept and cried. Cried for her past and the pain that she had given to herself for not listening more. But it was also a release of everything. She had been on this rollercoaster of highs and then meeting her ex-husband again, it just had to come out. She cried so deeply, it was her soul releasing but her body needed it too. She cried for Ethan because she loved and missed him so much. This love was at her core, in a depth like a water well where it just went infinitely deep and the emotions were like the water found bursting to the top. She laughed and cried at the same time. She felt like she had been given the ultimate fighter jet, the best in world, sensitive and powerful that few could fly, and it was hers but she had to say yes to the power of it.
She wanted to touch herself and think of Ethan, she had to. It was what she needed, she wanted to feel close to him. She closed her eyes and envisaged Ethan touching her. She went into an almost dream like state and it felt beautiful and she put her hand down between her legs and felt joy for herself and the man she loved. After the tears it was the lightness she needed. It was great for her soul and just what her body needed.
Ethan could sense Kali. The moment she touched herself he could feel her sexuality all the way back in San Francisco. He didn’t know what she was doing, he just felt passion and could sense her soft skin and curves. It just came upon him like a rush.
Ethan was missing Kali too. He felt this sadness in his heart that started to crave her. He was missing her already. It was Friday and he last saw her on Monday. He had seen her in the ether and that was amazing but it also made him miss her more. He was craving her now. He needed her. She was like blood to his body, he couldn’t fathom life without her now.
~~~~
Ethan had a late morning lecture and then a free day. He picked up Christian on the way, dropped into Edgeoholic cafe, had a coffee and then went to college.
Kali had a lunch booked with a friend of hers. She was an English woman called Katrina. She knew her briefly from teaching in Seattle. She was one of those great listeners and so polite and intuitive and she wanted to be with her today.
They had lunch for about an hour and she told her everything. She laughed the whole time. She opened up and told her about Ethan. Her heart had told her it was okay to share and it felt so good to find someone she really trusted to let it all out.
Katrina listened and laughed and talked about her life also. After their lunch she decided to buy some clothes, something feminine, high fashion and something Ethan would love. She went into a store and found a dress that just stood out to her. It was expensive but once it was on her there was no turning back from it. It made her look elegant and it showed her figure off too, but it was also Gothic in its feel. She noticed she had a lot of black on today, black shoes, dark watch, even her nails were black today. The dress was a light blue color and made her feel like a Goth angel, fairytale like. It was a boutique store that went more edge than formal, but glam as well.
She decided to wear it out of the shop. So she paid for it and put her old clothes in her new shopping bag and left. As she left the shop she noticed that for about three or so minutes she hadn’t compulsively thought of Ethan as she was in the store. Nearly she thought, her outfit was for him too. You do this me Ethan, I cannot think of anything else. He consumed her, her thoughts, her body and heart. She just couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Ethan Jumped in his car after finishing his lecture and went towards the beach. He didn’t have his togs with him but decided he would just jump in the sea in his boxers. He needed space, openness, water and went towards that.
Kali walked in her new outfit. She was smiling to herself thinking of Ethan and she looked ahead and saw the high rise buildings, the light shining through, the ocean in the distance and the sprinkle of cloud in the blue sky. Right then everything looked and felt perfect. She felt peace in her heart as she looked with the view before her and stepped across the road. She breathed in that view, it looked so serene and she stepped onto the road, went to look left, but was suddenly hit by a pickup truck.
The cars were parked on the side and she could not see until she stepped out and the driver of the pickup truck could do nothing but slam his breaks on as Kali was hit.
The impact was sudden. She flew through the air like a test dummy and then hit the hard concrete road. The driver jumped out in a panic. He was crying at what he saw. Kali lay there with blood pouring out her mouth. No one touched her, they were too afraid and they all knew no one could survive that and she would be dead. All the city noise just seemed to come to a halt. It was silent. Tears rolled down the diver’s face, but he was silent. All was quiet. It was like God had told the city to hush. Be quiet now, still your mind, my child has passed.
Kali died one minute after impact. She received no pain, her soul knew she was leaving, and left her body a millisecond before she was hit.
~~~~
Ethan was driving his car with the roof down. He could feel this pain in his heart, it was pumping in him. Why was he feeling like this? He could hardly see as his tears were clouding his vision.
“What the fuck am I feeling?” He screamed.
The pain was harsh. He didn’t know what was happening. He used to get this all the time and pick up on the negative feelings of others. He could never understand whether they were his feelings or someone else’s. He could always sense when Christian or his mother were highly upset, he could feel it. But this came on like a tidal wave and he knew something was not right in his world. He knew Kali was not okay.
He screamed and cried. He screamed out to God, “let her be okay!!”
He couldn’t see again as the tears rolled down his face. He couldn’t stop crying. He pulled up at the beach and jumped out.
He wept and he couldn’t stop. He cried and cried. He needed to be near his mother, the pain was burning within him and he felt so lonely and needed support. Then he realized he had to find out what had happened. He had to get proof. Sometimes he used to hope his intuition was wrong, but it never was and in this moment the feelings were so powerful he had no doubt, he knew something had gone bad. His heart was telling him and he couldn’t ignore it.
He jumped into his car and turned the radio on. His heart said do it, so he did with caution. It had the news running and he listened. At the end it mentioned a young woman had been hit by a car on the road, down town, Seattle and the traffic was at a halt around that area.
Ethan switched it off. He cried with noise now, with the pain of deep sorrow, this was unbearable. He sobbed and asked for Mother Mary to comfort him.
“Fuck...fuck.” he said, “I need you, help, help me here.”
He didn’t know if he could cope, how he could live without her. He breathed heavily, crying like a child. He was like seven again missing his mom that time when she went away and he thought he may never see her again. He was nearly choking with all the pain and the tears.
He drove off and headed to Kali’s sisters place, Amy. He felt dead now, he had stopped crying, but then he started again. The feelings were too dark, too painful. Where was the light? He had to cry, to cleanse the emotions, they were too difficult to feel.
He pulled up at Amy’s house and she was outside with Halo. Ethan’s eyes were all red from crying and when he saw Amy’s eyes he knew straight away. Her eyes were red and the tears were flowing. She had just received a call from the police telling her of the news.
“Tell me it’s not true Amy, tell me it isn’t,” Ethan said.
Tears rolled down his face, he was almost angry, like tell me this is not happening.
“Beautiful Ethan,” she said, “I’m so sorry... it’s true Kali had an accident and has died.”
Ethan just broke down, so did Amy, Halo did the same and they held each other and cried. Ethan just could not stop crying and sobbing.
Amy made him a coffee and Ethan just sat in the lounge in shock and staying close to Halo. His energy was really helping Ethan, it was pure and it soake
d up Ethan’s shock. Ethan was almost childlike just sitting there stunned. Amy gave him his coffee and he tried to think of something else to take him away from the pain.
~~~~
Ethan left and went back to the beach. He stripped off to his boxers and went into the water. He wanted to speak to the universe and Sedna the ocean Goddess.
“How could this happen?” he screamed.
He was crying again, he couldn’t stop. He screamed to God, “Why has she gone? I fucken need her!! I can’t live without her!” He couldn’t, he just couldn’t.
He dived in and something seemed to say he would be okay and that the universe would let him see her again. He had to believe, he had to. He had to trust with what he had just heard, as he couldn’t live without her.
He surfaced from the water and screamed and screamed. He didn’t care if anyone could hear him, he didn’t care at all. He dived into the water again, he came up breaking the surface and strangely he felt like a god, more godly than ever before. The pain, the depth he had experienced had made him feel powerful, somehow he had hope. He had to be the warrior within, he needed Kali and something within him seemed to say it could happen. He didn’t know how but he had hope. He had to stay with his power, stay close to his heart and know the universe was on his side. She was, she always was, that he knew. He was special, he was the light and he would rise above and somehow find the gift within all this. It seemed impossible but within the darkness there was some light, a trickle was there, that was pure and seeking a heaven.
He walked back to the shore and the two people that were on the sand could feel his pain, despite his crying and screaming they weren’t afraid. They could sense Ethan and had understanding and compassion. They smiled, they just knew, he didn’t need to explain. He sent them power and love as he saw their stare. He got changed and headed home.
~ CHAPTER SIXTEEN ~
LIFE WITHOUT HER
Two weeks had passed since Kali’s death. Ethan had spent most of his time with Elisabeth. She was like a rock for him. She was always there and took time off work to be with him. Ethan stopped going to college but would be returning in a few days.
His mom had been so comforting. It was like she was the light to get him though it. She spoke to him a lot, but mostly she just listened and cared and that was all Ethan needed. When Ethan spoke to Mother Mary at the beach, her energy felt like his mothers, that strong, womanly, motherly protection and the feminine glow that you just want to be around. Despite all his pain he still had a lot of beauty in his life with his mom and friends.
Kali’s funeral was held in San Francisco so it was easy for Ethan to attend. He got to meet some of Kali’s family and because it was in San Francisco all his college friends were there. It was very comforting for him to have Elisabeth, Christian and Carl with him. Kali’s ex husband, Jason was there and Ethan had no desire to look his way or meet him. Because Ethan was with all his loved ones and friends it had a special feel. There was a lot of lightness. On the day before the funeral, as Ethan was expecting, Kali appeared to him in a vision. She was so happy, so girly, so free. He cried and cried when he saw her but she looked at him with strength and told him.
“Remember the beach when you screamed for me and the universe told you things? Have faith, Ethan because I’m not leaving you, okay?”
She said okay matter-of-factly, with power and with absolute feminine gorgeousness and just laid it out for Ethan.
“I can’t tell you everything, angel boy,” she said cheekily, “I’m not allowed!” she laughed. “You’ll see me in the ether again soon too.”
Ethan was happy about that as he hadn’t been to the ether or remembered going there since her death.
Having that encounter with Kali before her funeral really set the tone for Ethan and that glow shined and poured down upon her day. It was celebrated for the gorgeous, angelic woman she is. Deep sadness was there, but lightness that is not usually present at a funeral flowed in, the light came in, she attracted it, like Ethan she too would always shine.
~~~~
Ethan was leaving his house to catch up with Christian and Carl, they were at the beach and he was meeting them there.
“Hey mom, I’m just heading down to the beach to catch up with Carl and Christian.”
“Okay sweetheart, have a lovely time.”
“I will.”
“Come here.” She gave Ethan the biggest hug. “You have a beautiful time. I know you’re so strong and special and that is why you have felt this so deeply. I’m always here for you, always.”
She said it like Kali almost and he smiled at her like a child. It made Elisabeth teary. She adjusted some of his hair slightly as she did all the time when he was a child. They both laughed.
“I love you,” he said.
“I love you too, angel. Now you go and party with your friends!”
How cool my mom is, and Ethan jumped into his car.
Christian and Carl were sitting down at the beach when Ethan pulled up. They were waiting for him and Ethan had a six pack of beers with him. He rocked up, they said their greetings, and they were all happy to see each other. They hadn’t seen each other much since Kali’s death as Ethan had been alone a lot with his mom and not attending college.
“Got an opener?” Ethan asked.
“There you go,” Carl said.
He had one attached to his jewelry on his waist.
“Very cool groover,” Ethan said and used it to open his beer. As he opened it from Carl’s waist it all burst out, covering them all. They all laughed.
“What have ya been doing to your beers!?” Christian said.
“I don’t think anything,” Carl said, “he has magical powers, it just happened.”
Ethan sat down next to them and Carl rolled a smoke for Ethan.
“Wow Carl you are reading my thoughts, thanks,” Ethan said as he lit up his rollie. It was good for Ethan to get out and unplug and talk to his best friends. They talked about general stuff about life but nothing too deep then Christian asked how he was.
“Sad you know, just deep melancholy I guess eh, but I woke up today and the first moment when I awoke, I felt peace. So I need to try and stay with that. You know...choose peace.”
“Choose peace every time, you used to tell me that,” Carl said.
“Yeah and you always do, Carl.”
“You’ve been amazing, Ethan,” Christian said, “you really have and every time it comes up, I have nothing to say, I wish I could say something wise, but all I can say is that we’re here for you and we know your pain. I know how you feel things so immensely.”
“Thanks, Christian both of you have been awesome, truly. You’ve understood and that has been really healing, thank you.”
The night arrived gently. They had a small fire going. They had their ghetto blaster playing their sounds. They were talking, laughing and having a good time. Later in the evening Amelia and Karan came by and they joined them. They sat there chatting, drinking, smoking and singing. It was a beautiful for Ethan especially as his friends were so understanding. He didn’t need to pretend to be happy, he could be himself and they all understood. The presence and warmth of them all lifted Ethan up for the night. He was able to enjoy the night, talk about Kali and occasionally sing as well.
The death of Kali had slowed up life for them all. In a way it had made their group more intimate. Amelia and Karan were there tonight and had been spending quite a bit of time with them. Christian and Amelia were friends now and were just going with the flow. Carl definitely liked Karan and it was pretty obvious to both of them that they would kiss soon and evolve with their friendship. They were all forced to go slow with everything after everything that had happened. That was a blessing as they would all get to know each other and find that friendship first.
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