by Cassie Rocca
She wrote for most of the night, in a way she hadn’t in years.
She wrote for herself, as though there were still time and hope for her dreams. As though through those lines she could finally really live. She filled the pages with impossible images, drew faces that she would have been wiser to forget. And after pouring out her heart of everything it contained, she tied the diary shut with a ribbon and locked it in a drawer, then left the room.
9
Candice’s tinkling laugh filled the air for the thousandth time, interrupting Zack’s tone deaf humming and ungainly jigging about.
Pretending to be annoyed, when in reality he felt a mixture of pride and happiness when he heard that sweet sound, he stopped, put his hands on his hips and looked at his daughter.
“So? Are you going to quit making fun of me?”
The little girl raised her small hands to her mouth, trying unsuccessfully to stifle her laughter. “Sorry Daddy, but you’re just so funny!”
An angelic expression on his face, Zack lifted the edge of the luminous pink tutu he had put on over his jeans. “And there I was thinking I looked gorgeous… If you don’t like it, I can take it off and compete in my normal clothes… I don’t think your teachers will mind.”
“No, no, you have to wear it!” Candice protested, pulling his hands away from the frilly skirt. “Parents and children must be dressed the same for the competition.”
With a resigned sigh, Zack rolled his eyes. “Okay, well in that case, stop making fun of me and let me see those steps at the end of the dance again.”
As the little girl started the music again on the small portable stereo, Zack leaned against a tree trunk with an amused look on his face. If they had told him five years ago that he would find himself dancing to a song by Demi Lovato in the middle of Central Park he would have probably laughed out loud. And yet since that little creature with braids had taken possession of his life, he found himself doing the most unusual things. Sure, he was not exactly overjoyed at the thought of walking through the park and doing an ice dance to the beat of pop music at Wollmann Rink, especially wearing that ridiculous tulle tutu, but what could he do? He just couldn’t resist those big eyes.
The nursery school his daughter went to often organized these little competitions to stimulate the children’s creativity. The first time he had found himself sewing a fairy costume, that would then be used for the spring play, like the perfect housewife. The result had been awful and, obviously, hadn’t earned them even one of the runner-up prizes. Things hadn’t gone any better with the baseball tournament, even though he was slightly better at sports than he was at sewing. And then there had been the singing contest…
Candice had been deeply disappointed that they hadn’t won, so in order to be forgiven, Zack had organized an unforgettable birthday party, and had invited her teachers, her classmates and their parents. His delicious, brightly colored cakes covered in spectacular decorations had left everyone speechless, and the photo of him and Candice, surrounded by the sensational desserts, had been on the school bulletin board for months, earning them the nicknames of the ‘King and Princess of cakes’.
That afternoon they were doing skating, and his daughter was determined to win at least one prize.
Zack was not convinced that he would be able to ensure that happened, but he was certainly determined to have a lot of fun. Otherwise, he would have to think up yet another way of distracting his daughter after their umpteenth failure.
Stoically enduring the amused looks of those walking through the park, he had agreed to put on that ridiculous tutu in an attempt to play on the judges’ sympathy. He wasn’t actually obliged to dress in that bizarre way: it was only the mothers of the children who were supposed to try and wear a similar costume – the fathers were exempt, as long as they wore some detail that matched the colors of their team.
Candice, however, didn’t have a mother. She only had him. Watching his little one moving energetically to the music, he suddenly felt a little bit sad. She was so beautiful, so kind and such a sweet-hearted kid – she deserved all the love in the world, and more. Above all, she should have the love of a mother, but the woman who had brought her into the world had been too selfish to even try and love her, and had preferred to turn away from all that affection and sweetness to return to London and continue her life of work, success – and her vices.
He had met Veronica Beyman at a food styling course that he himself had held in San Francisco, and had immediately noticed that she was extremely interesting and talented, not to mention very attractive. She was a brash and ambitious young Londoner who had no qualms about milking the chef in charge in order to learn more than the others, faster and with less effort. Her resourcefulness had amused him, but at the end of his Californian sojourn, he had been more than ready to leave for Chicago and forget about her without any regrets.
That distant morning six years ago, Veronica had managed to stop him just before he got into a taxi for the airport, and had told him without the slightest enthusiasm that she was pregnant, confident that he would help her resolve the issue and wouldn’t abandon her to deal with such a delicate situation by herself.
Once the first hardships of the pregnancy had made their appearance, Veronica had started talking about getting an abortion, and it hadn’t been easy for him to persuade her not to. And while the baby grew inside a bitter, indifferent mother, Zack began to plan out his life.
In a flash he had changed from a hardened single man without a care in the world who was satisfied with his own lifestyle that consisted of fun and work into the head of a family who tried to organize his life around that of another human being who was unable to take a single step without him.
It was during that first stressful period that the idea of the Chocolate Sins project had begun to take shape. For some time, he had been thinking about opening his own place, but had been undecided whether to go in the direction of some trendy restaurant or dust off his old dream of managing a pastry shop. While he was still thinking about the best place to start his business, he’d heard about a place in TriBeCa that was going for a reasonable price, and everything seemed to fall into place practically without him lifting a finger. He’d always fancied working in New York – he felt it was a city full of life and opportunities – so he decided that he’d give it a try.
And things had gone well. Despite a start that was so shaky calling it shaky would be a huge understatement, the pastry shop had managed to blossom. Cade Harrison had definitely helped him out from a practical point of view, and his parents had briefly moved in with him to look after their granddaughter. He had almost worked himself to death to make it a success while trying to find the time needed to be a good father – and a good mother too.
It wasn’t up to him to judge, but if the perennial smile on Candice’s face was any indication, the results were not too bad at all.
He did feel the lack of a woman’s touch, though, especially on certain occasions. Candice was still little and he loved her so much that it made up for that emptiness, but she was growing up and it was inevitable that she was drawn irresistibly to girls and women. He had seen her looking with a hint of longing at all the happy families who met at the park, and in the drawings that the little girl did there were now always unknown women where before there had only been the two of them.
Zack understood her. He, too, was beginning to feel the lack of a serious relationship with a woman. In the last few years he had indulged in some insignificant entertainment, taking care not to get into trouble a second time, but otherwise he lived practically like a monk. Between his work at the bakery and his role as a father it wasn’t easy to find time for a relationship, especially as he had to be careful to keep Candice out of that part of his life. His daughter tended to get very attached to any girl she ended up spending any time with, and she looked at each of them as a potential mother. For this reason, Zack selected who he went out with very carefully. He really didn’t want Candice t
o suffer from the feeling that she had been abandoned by another woman she cared about. Automatically, his thoughts went to the only woman who was putting his self-control at risk, and he gave a long sigh.
*
Liberty Allen was not an option as a life partner and mother to his daughter, and therefore she had to be forgotten. She was about to marry another man and was clearly very determined to keep him at a distance, as was evidenced by the fact that she had not called him to talk about the details of the pre-wedding buffet.
Not that it mattered much. The idea of cooking for that guy put him in a bad mood, to be honest.
It was absurd to be jealous of Justin Matthews, but he couldn’t help it.
When he thought back to those brief moments in the atelier dressing room, with Liberty finally free from the mask she normally used to protect herself and wearing a wedding dress that made her irresistible, he felt his heart thump in his chest. If only she would realize that she had chosen the wrong the road to follow – a road which would lead to a marriage devoid of any emotional momentum – perhaps he would be able to convince her to give him a chance.
Candice would adore her – and as for him? Well, he already did…
Smart move, guy, he thought, grimacing, falling in love with a woman who is already engaged! It seemed like the timing was always out of whack wherever Liberty was concerned.
Finding out that she had been in love with him had filled him with satisfaction – but afterwards, his satisfaction had turned to sadness.
At seventeen he was too young and focused on himself to devote himself to a serious relationship, and even though the shy and somewhat clumsy girl he remembered had aroused feelings of tenderness in him, they hadn’t been strong enough to make him throw caution to the wind. It had been perfectly clear even then that Liberty was not the type for an undemanding relationship, and now that he knew her better and knew the effect her father abandoning her had on her, and her problems with people and with food, he knew he had made the right choice in keeping a certain distance: he would only have risked making her suffer unnecessarily.
But you made her suffer just the same, he recalled. And a lot, judging by the fury with which she tried to keep him away from her.
He couldn’t help but feel sorry for her when he thought about her and what they hadn’t had all that time ago. Would it have worked between the two of them?
There’s no point thinking about that now, he said to himself. If he had started a lasting relationship with Liberty many years ago, he would never have met Veronica and Candice would not have been born.
He regretted nothing about his past life. But he would have definitely changed the course of today’s events, if he had the chance.
He let his gaze wander along the park avenues lined with trees covered in pink, yellow and white blossom. Spring was able to turn even a metropolis of iron and stone like New York into an oasis, and that green corner of paradise, which stretched for miles between skyscrapers, was a blaze of colors and scents.
For a moment it seemed absolutely natural to him to see a harmonious, blonde figure appear like a goddess in the middle of that beautiful scene, and he only recovered when the vision, which was dressed in black, began doing altogether earthly stretches and bends and then went back to running with great care along the tree lined avenue.
Speak of the devil…
His body tensed when he recognized her. For two whole years they had never met even though they lived in the same city, and now he bumped into her everywhere.
“Ok, don’t move from here and leave it to fate,” he thought. If Liberty continued to run without noticing him, disappearing along the avenue, he would take it as meaning that it was better to leave her alone. And if she turned and saw him, instead… well, he would consider it a sign.
“Come on, turn around, Miss Liberty,” he found himself hoping, sighing intensely. He had a crazy desire to hear her voice. Liberty carried on running for a few metres, looking directly in front of her and completely focused on the physical activity she was doing. She seemed miles away.
But suddenly something made her turn – perhaps the intensity of his gaze, or the sparkle of the tulle skirt, damn it! – and her eyes widened in surprise.
Zack smiled and waved to her. Good girl, that’s right – come this way, come over here, he thought, hoping he’d be able to hypnotize her from a distance.
Liberty nodded back, but remained motionless, uncertain. She glanced at that ridiculous tutu and the expression that appeared on her face was almost comical.
Well, he would have preferred to have been dressed slightly differently, but if it managed to ease the tension…
As soon as he saw her advancing in his direction, he released the breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding. His prayers had been answered.
Candice also noticed her and, with a cry of joy, literally flew into her arms. That scene touched him deeply – so deeply it almost made him sad. He would have wished for similar moments every day, both out of love of his daughter and out of his own pure and selfish desire.
“Small world, eh?” he said, as soon as she was standing in front of him.
“Oh yes.” Liberty held onto a Candice who was in the grip of euphoria and couldn’t stop talking.
“Did you come to see the skating? Do you want to see our dance? Daddy isn’t very good, but I’m trying to teach him the steps… Do you want to help me? Or you could compete with us! That would be fantastic! It’s really easy, even a baby could do it!”
Under Liberty’s curious gaze, Zack felt his shoulders tightening. “Candice’s nursery school is always organizing these little competitions for the children and parents, and today we’re doing figure skating.”
“Listen to the song I chose, it’s called ‘Heart Attack!’” Candice started singing the song and looked at her. “Don’t you think it’s beautiful?”
Zack rolled his eyes, sighing. “I tried to persuade her to go for a more masculine song, but she wasn’t having any of it.”
Liberty listened to a couple of verses, then nodded in Candice’s direction. “It’s really good.”
“I really hope I meet Demi one day! Maybe I’ll make her a cake!”
“I’m sure you will,” smiled Liberty, stroking the little girl’s hair. “I wish I had half of your determination.”
“Come and take part with us,” Candice begged, tugging at her hand. “The others are always in big groups, but with Daddy and me it’s always just us.”
“Well really, I… I haven’t skated for years.” Liberty looked over at Zack for help, but he didn’t do anything. It was important to Candice to participate in that competition with a woman. The joy of being there with two adults, like a real family, would distract her from her obsession with receiving a prize for their routine, which was an eventuality he thought was pretty remote.
What high-minded thoughts, what a model father, his conscience taunted him. Just come out and admit that you want her to stay because you want to have her around. He couldn’t think of any valid way of defending himself against the accusation, so he came out and said it. “You turned up when I asked for divine help, Libby – you’re the answer to all my prayers.”
Biting her bottom lip, Liberty looked at Candice, then back at him. She seemed torn between wanting to run away as quickly as possible and staying so as not to disappoint the little girl, who was looking at her with a pleading look in her eyes.
Hoping that it still existed, Zack decided that he would play on Liberty’s weak point of old – her good heart.
“You can even stay without taking part, we’ll manage somehow.” He pulled a face of resigned anguish as he improvised a silly little curtsey, raising the sides of his tutu. “After all, I’m pretty damned adorable, don’t you think? That jury of females will take one look at me and decide that my talents need rewarding!”
He sensed the exact moment she gave in. Her green eyes lit up with laughter and a genuine smile that was so swee
t and so familiar it gave him a thrill of joy.
“Are you actually going to do it?” asked Liberty, barely managing to contain her laughter.
Zack shrugged. “To make her happy, I’d do anything.”
Touched by his words, Liberty went back to staring at the pink tutu which was strewn with sequins. “How many people you know are going to be there?”
“A lot,” he muttered, rolling his eyes comically.
“All that gossip about your ambiguous sexuality will start up again in a flash!” chuckled Liberty. “I can’t let them do that to you.”
Welcome back, Miss Liberty, he thought, his heart beating like crazy as he stared at those smiling lips. The memory of those days of complicity they had experienced in his youth came back to him, strengthening the bond between them that he had feared was lost forever.
With amazement, Zack realized that he had felt an emptiness in his heart ever since Liberty had left Chicago – and with a simple smile she had managed to fill a part of it.
“So you’ll stay?” he asked her hoarsely.
“And I’ll wear the tutu in your place – Candy is going to be working with the stars of Disney when she’s older, we can’t jeopardize her future reputation,” she joked, exchanging a knowing look with the little girl, who jumped up and down gleefully beside her.
“Hurray, hurray!” Candice shouted, clapping her hands.
“You’ve saved my face – I owe you one,” chuckled Zack, taking off the skirt and passing it over to her. Liberty pulled it on over her tight sports pants, managing to look beautiful even in that absurd outfit.
Zack was about to fix the pink band in her hair when she stopped him.
“I said I would wear the tutu, not the whole outfit,” she said mischievously. “It’s only right that you have something special too, so that everyone knows you’re with me and Candy.”
With his hands clasped to hers, her perfumed body so close to his and that mischievous smile before his eyes, Zack felt an almost irresistible urge to kiss her, and he only restrained himself after noticing the apprehensive flicker in her green eyes as soon as she sensed the direction of his thoughts. But above all because of Candice, who was looking at them with a big smile. There was no need to give his daughter any false hopes.
