by Di Morrissey
‘It’s been dreadful to know this all these years, but I couldn’t say anything. He’s my son.’
Sally felt a cold knot begin to twist inside her belly. ‘What happened, Lorna?’
‘Ian found his father first, when he was still alive, but he walked away, turned his back and left him. He could have saved him.’
Kate and Sally caught their breath at the same moment. ‘How do you know this?’ asked Sally.
‘You’re sure you’re remembering this correctly, Lorna? Is it clear in your mind? It didn’t happen yesterday . . .’ said Kate.
Lorna swung on her. ‘It seems like yesterday! It has every day of my life. It’s not something a mother can forget. But he was my son, I kept quiet. It wouldn’t bring John back.’
‘Are you sure, Lorna?’ insisted Sally.
‘Fitzi told me. He went there right after Snowy had found John. He went before the police arrived. He’s a tracker, he could read it all, clear as day. He was upset at knowing too.’
‘He was a brilliant tracker,’ Sally said to Kate. ‘I’d take whatever he said as gospel.’
‘He said Ian was there on his horse. Tied it up to the ute and went up close, waited, then he walked away. It was the day before. John must have been alive.’ Tears began to stream down Lorna’s face. ‘My son let his father die. What sort of mother am I?’
Kate made sympathetic noises as Sally sat there in shock. ‘He hated his father, but that much?’ she said.
‘Sometimes people do things on impulse that seem like an instant solution, but regret it later,’ said Kate. ‘Once he’d walked away, for him there was no turning back. He’s had to live with it.’
‘So have I,’ said Lorna sadly.
‘You’ve never confronted him?’ asked Sally, knowing as she said it that Lorna never would.
‘Who’d believe me? I was ashamed, I didn’t want anyone to know.’
‘So why are you telling me now? Surely you don’t expect me to confront him?’
‘No, no, of course not. But someone should know,’ she said. ‘If I’m going to be incoherent later on . . . no one will take any notice of anything I say.’
‘Now, come on, Lorna, one minute you want your house back and to lead your own life, the next minute you tell me you’re going to lose your grip.’ Sally wanted to tell her it was grossly unfair to dump this information on her.
‘You do believe Lorna, don’t you?’ asked Kate in a worried tone. She’d broken a few rules to bring her here but had no idea of the shocking information Lorna wanted to share.
‘Unfortunately I do,’ sighed Sally. It was a burden she didn’t want. Yet, in one sense she was strangely flattered. After all these years, Lorna had turned to her. The time they’d shared had meant a lot to her as well.
‘That’s not all,’ muttered Lorna, and Kate and Sally stared at her, wondering what else she could possibly tell them. When Lorna looked up there were tears in her eyes. ‘I’ve never forgiven myself, Sally, but I want you to know that at the time, it was for you. I didn’t want you to be trapped as I was. You deserved much better. I was going to tell you when you visited us after your divorce, but with John dying –’
‘Tell me what, Lorna?’ Sally’s voice was tight.
Kate was still holding the old woman’s hand. She pressed it gently.
‘It’s about Rob, I know you and he were very attracted to each other. I didn’t want you to do anything silly like marry him . . .’
Sally struggled to keep quiet, but in her head she was shouting, We loved each other, I wanted to marry him!
‘So when I told you about Rob and Betsy, about the baby, it wasn’t true. Daisy is not his baby. It came to me suddenly that it might make you stop and think.’ She turned to Kate, speaking in a rush, ‘Most of the men did that, you know, slept with the gins . . .’
Sally lost it. ‘Except Rob! I was shattered at the idea that he’d do something like that! How dare you interfere!’ she shouted, rising out of her seat. ‘I believed you. I left and never gave him a chance to tell me the truth.’
‘Would you have believed him? Would it have made your life better?’ said Lorna with some spirit.
‘Why didn’t you find him and ask if it was true?’ Kate asked Sally.
‘Because it was a different era. You didn’t challenge what someone older told you. I came from a sheltered home, I trusted you, Lorna. I loved you!’ Sally’s fury had a tearful edge to it. ‘Of course it would have made a difference. He was the love of my life. Hal came along and it was all very expedient. I was hurt. I’ve never got over Rob, after all these years. Now, you calmly want to set your mind at rest and you have just told me I’ve wasted, lost, years and years of my life. How could you?’ Her voice was loud, tearful, and echoed around the silent house. There were no sounds from Julian, who undoubtedly was wondering if he should intervene.
Lorna wrung her hands. ‘I couldn’t stand it any longer. I had to tell you.’
‘So you’d feel better,’ shouted Sally. ‘How do you think I feel?’
‘I’m sorry, so sorry.’ Lorna was weeping.
Kate was shaking. She rose and put her hand on Lorna’s shoulder and looked at Sally with great sympathy. ‘I had no idea about this, what she was going to tell you.’
Sally turned away from them, her arms folded, her shoulders stooped. ‘I think you’d better leave.’
Kate took a card from her pocket and put it on the coffee table. ‘There’s my card, if you want to reach me.’
‘I don’t think so. You’ve done enough,’ said Sally stiffly.
Julian, looking concerned, hovered in the doorway, ‘Can I do anything, Sally?’
‘Yes, show these ladies out, please.’ Sally strode from the room and Julian heard her bedroom door shut.
Lorna leaned against the car window, her usual straight-backed demeanour gone. Now she hunched into her coat, her face pale.
Kate turned on the windscreen wipers. ‘Are you all right?’
‘No,’ she answered in a small voice. ‘I shouldn’t have come.’
Kate drove to the end of the road then stopped the car. ‘Look, Lorna, I didn’t know what you were going to tell your ex-governess. I can understand your need to get it off your chest. But you must understand while you’ve been living with it for decades, this is a big shock for Sally.’
‘I loved her like a little sister, a daughter. It’s a terrible thing to have regrets. I kept away from her all these years, I couldn’t face her. Especially knowing her marriage had broken up. I didn’t have an overwhelming passionate love in my life. John got me pregnant and did the decent thing. I like to think I was a good wife. But what Sally and Rob had, I think, was the real thing. And I destroyed it.’
‘Maybe in time Sally will feel less bitter. At least now she knows he never did the wrong thing by her. Where is Rob? What happened to him?’
‘It’s all too late. He married a country girl, they went to Dog Leg Station in the Territory. It belonged to his father. He was one of the first to get in Brahman cattle up there, though his big love was horses. Sally’s too.’
‘She seems happy enough. I can see why she didn’t like the social scene in Sydney. She’s a very down-to-earth woman.’
Lorna almost smiled. ‘Strong minded and determined. Sally’s never been a pushover, that’s for sure.’ She sighed. ‘Well, what’s done is done. What’s going to happen to me, Kate?’
Kate looked at her watch. ‘It’s getting late and it’s miserable weather. I don’t want to drive back to Sydney in this. Let’s find a nice B&B and stay the night.’ And I’m hanging out for a strong drink, thought Kate. ‘I’m sure things will look different in the morning.’
Lorna merely nodded, she was exhausted. She’d done what she came to do.
As Kate drove towards the main street of town, so many questions, emotions and scenes ran through her mind, but there was one question she had to ask. ‘Lorna, if it wasn’t Rob, who is Daisy’s father? Do you know?’
‘Yes, I know. She was fathered by my husband, John. He didn’t have to tell me, I knew. I suspect he knew I knew. When I was packing up to move to Sydney I found his diaries. He didn’t write many personal things, but he did write a note that Betsy gave birth to his daughter . . . “a rather delicious little creature” was how he described her.’
Kate drove slowly, her head reeling. What a tangled family. No wonder Lorna hated Daisy. She’d lost a daughter and her husband was attached to his illegitimate child. ‘Does Daisy know? Does anyone know? Ian?’
‘Absolutely not. John gave Daisy a lot of attention but I told Betsy that if she ever told anyone that Daisy belonged to the boss, I’d put a curse on her. That scared her. I’m sure she didn’t sleep only with John. Anyway, I think she believed babies came from spirits in the billabong, or some such.’ Lorna turned away, her mouth set in an expression Kate recognised. She was retreating and she’d get no more information from her. She might not be very aware of much tomorrow. Today had been a strain. Just as well, Kate didn’t think she wanted to know any more about Barra Creek.
Sally lay on her bed, bitter tears burning her cheeks. At first she’d hugged her pillow, feeling again Rob’s arms around her, his kisses, his gentle slow voice as if they had been together only the night before. Then she’d cursed Lorna for breaking the smooth shell of her life and scrambling her emotions. How easily she’d fallen apart at the thought of Rob and the knowledge that she’d wrongly judged him and thrown away years of happiness. The most hurtful thing was that he had no idea why she’d run from him. She’d never contacted him, and he had abided by her wish not to write or call her. How naive and stupid she’d been. How cruel of Lorna, no matter how good her intentions were at the time. Had he been hurt? Did he care about losing her? From all accounts he was happily married and living on the family station. At least he must have made his peace with his father and brothers.
‘Damn you, Lorna,’ she said aloud and sat up.
The rain had eased, but the sunset was smothered by the heavy grey sky. There was a tap at her door.
‘Sally, I’m going now, do you want anything?’ Julian sounded worried.
‘Come in, Julian.’ Sally wiped her face and smoothed her hair as the young assistant opened the door.
‘Bad news?’ he asked.
‘Catching up on old news. It was a bit traumatic.’ She smiled weakly.
‘Would you like me to do anything? I’ve locked up the gallery. Jeremy called, he said not to worry, he’d do the horses tonight.’
‘Good on him. Thanks.’ Jeremy and his two children were staying in the old farmhouse on her property for a week’s holiday. He had established a thriving practice as a solicitor in Sydney, but he enjoyed getting out of town with his family.
‘I’m fine now. I’ll go and open a bottle of good red. I think I need a drink.’
He smiled with relief to see Sally sounding more like herself. ‘Okay, see you tomorrow. G’night.’
She washed her face, taking deep slow breaths, then went to the kitchen. She poured herself a glass of shiraz then turned on the CD and sat in front of the fire. Andrea Bocelli’s romantic tenor filled the room. She turned it off and sat in silent contemplation of the fire, sipping her wine.
She was always swift to react, flaring like a rocket, exploding and then petering out, she knew that. Now the shower of sparks Lorna had ignited was fading. She felt less angry at the poor woman. God, what a burden she’d carried around all these years. She had protected her son and he had tossed her into an old people’s home to be cared for by others. Lorna, with her standards and proprieties – it was sad that she should be reduced to this. My God, could it happen to her, thought Sally. No husband, children busy with their own lives. Trisha was trekking overseas and virtually unreachable. Surely not. Lorna had really rocked her boat. But bugger you, Lorna, I’m not lifting a finger to help you. There’s nothing I can do, it’s all too late. It doesn’t do me any good to dwell on what might have been. Sally put her empty glass down and turned on the TV news.
Kate poured Lorna a small sherry and helped herself to a gin and tonic from the drinks tray in the lounge room of the quaint B&B they’d checked into.
‘I’m glad we’re stopping overnight,’ said Kate.
‘I’m sorry I’ve been so much trouble.’
‘I said I’d help you, but I have to take you back to the nursing home, at least for the moment, until something is decided about your house.’
‘I’ll never get out of there. Sally won’t do anything and I don’t blame her.’
‘We could approach the Guardianship Tribunal to appoint someone to look into your affairs, hire a solicitor,’ began Kate.
‘No, no, I don’t want to make a fuss. I don’t want people poking their nose into my business. No one else must know about Ian.’
‘I understand but, Lorna, even though he is your son, he hasn’t done the right thing by you.’
Lorna leaned back and closed her eyes. ‘I’m tired. I’m not going to battle any more.’
Kate didn’t like the look of resignation on the old woman’s face. She’d seen it before, when people simply gave up and willed themselves to die. She’d heard about it happening in indigenous cultures around the world too – an old man paddling his boat into the sunset, a woman lying under a tree to die. If one could choose the time, place and condition of one’s passing how much easier it would be. Kate had got into this profession to improve the quality of the final stage of a fully lived life. Lorna had touched her heart and her professional sensibilities. If she could make things better for someone like Lorna, it was another small step in changing the attitudes to, and treatment of, the elderly.
The owner of the B&B came and made small talk until she served dinner.
Lorna retired early and Kate watched TV for a while but when their hostess came in with a cup of coffee looking ready to start up a conversation again, Kate decided to go for a walk.
‘Rug up. The wind is coming off the ocean, it’s nippy.’
‘Thank you, I will.’
She enjoyed the salty sea air that whipped through her hair, stung her cheeks and forced her to walk briskly. The faster she walked the quicker her mind worked, and by the time she got back to the guesthouse, she had a plan.
But Sally made the first move.
‘Hello, Kate, this is Sally Lee, Lorna’s governess.’
‘Hi, of course, how are you?’ Kate was surprised to hear from her. Two weeks had passed since their visit. ‘I was going to call you. Do you want to know how Lorna is?’
‘Partly. I’m sorry if I exploded at you both. It was all a bit of a shock.’
‘I can imagine. Lorna is all right, a little withdrawn, but functioning okay. I was going to ring you but, please, if you’d rather not . . . be involved,’ Kate said hesitantly.
‘The reason I’m calling you is because I’ve done a lot of thinking. While I’ll never get over her busting up Rob and me, I’m trying to live in the present and I don’t like the idea of Lorna being ripped off by Ian, especially after what he did. I have no doubts that he did walk away from his father.’
‘I’m glad you feel like that.’
‘I want to help Lorna, but I thought I’d discuss it with you first. You’re a very dedicated young woman. Are you this hands-on with all your cases?’
‘Unfortunately no,’ she said. ‘But Lorna has a strong personality, and I like her. She got my attention.’
‘Yes, she’s good at that. Well, I had a couple of ideas. What about you?’
‘I hope you don’t think I’ve overstepped the mark here,’ said Kate, ‘but once I got involved I couldn’t just abandon Lorna. She gave me her son’s details in England and I rang him.’
‘You called Tommy?’
‘Yes, I filled him in as much as needed.’
‘Did you tell him about Ian?’
‘No! I couldn’t break Lorna’s confidence. But I did tell him about her financial difficulties.’
‘Was he pissed off at Ian?’
‘Yes, you might say that. He’s not prepared to come back because he’s busy with his work, but he’s being helpful. It appears the bank is going ahead with the foreclosure.’
‘Kate, I’m coming up to Sydney. Let’s meet and talk further.’ Sally sounded efficient and businesslike.
Ten days later Sally had to pinch herself. I can’t believe I’m doing this, again. Going back to Barra Creek, she thought.
Huge white floating prawn factories dotted the milky waters of the Gulf of Carpentaria. From the port of Karumba the tentacles of the Norman River coiled inland beneath the small plane as it banked and soon began its descent into Normanton.
Sally stepped into the familiar heat and noticed the breezy casualness of the locals. As she picked up her small bag a man asked, ‘Want a ride into town, love?’
‘Thanks, to the train station would be good. I’ve got the right day I hope.’
‘For the Gulflander?’ He looked at his watch. ‘Yep, it’s Thursday, leaves in half an hour.’ He gave her a second glance. ‘Are you a train buff?’
‘I’m heading into Croydon.’
He had her tagged as another railway aficionado come to ride the unique ‘Tin hare’ as they called the grand old railmotor. She thanked him as he dropped her at the railway station where tourists were standing on the lawns, being photographed in front of the beautifully restored Victorian building. Others were collecting fat ripe mangoes that had fallen from the trees nearby.
The train arrived in the deserted gold-mining town of Croydon after lunch and, while the tourists wandered around the historic buildings, Sally waited at the small hotel picking at a sandwich and drinking a cold light beer. A Land Cruiser pulled up outside the pub and a young man in a white shirt with sleeves rolled up neatly, dark trousers and a tie got out and, glancing around, came towards the attractive woman sitting at the table facing the dusty street. ‘Mrs Lee? I’m James Hynes, from the bank.’
‘You’re right on the dot. Have you had lunch?’
‘No, I’ll get a hamburger. I’ve been out looking at a property. We’ve got a bit of a drive ahead of us if we want to get there before five. The road’s good, though. Bit different from your day, I guess.’
