‘What about mammoths?’
‘No—but there will be ducks.’
‘Goliath?’
‘Under a different name.’
I was quiet for a moment.
‘Will there be Jane Eyre?’
‘Yes,’ sighed my father. ‘Yes, there will always be Jane Eyre.’
‘And Turner? Will he still paint The Fighting Temeraire?’
‘Yes, and Carravaggggio will be there too, although his name will be spelt more sensibly.’
‘Then what are we waiting for?’
My father was silent for a moment.
‘There’s a catch.’
‘What sort of catch?’
He sighed.
‘Landen will be back but you and he won’t have met. Landen won’t even know you.’
‘But I’ll know him. I can introduce myself can’t I?’
‘Thursday, you’re not part of this. You’re outside of it. You’ll still be carrying Landen’s child but you won’t know the sideslip has ever happened. You will remember nothing about your old life. If you want to go sideways to see him then you’ll have to have a new past and a new present. Perversely enough, to be able to see him, you cannot have any recollection of him—nor he of you.’
‘That’s some catch,’ I observed.
‘It’s the second best there is,’ Dad agreed.
I thought for a moment.
‘So I won’t be in love with him?’
‘I’m afraid not. You might have a small residual memory—feelings that you can’t explain for someone you’ve never met.’
‘Will I be confused?’
‘Yes.’
He looked at me with an earnest expression. They all did. Even Lady Hamilton, who had been moving quietly towards the sherry, stopped and was staring at me. It was clear that making myself scarce was something I had to do But having zero recollection of Landen? I didn’t really have to think very hard.
‘No, Dad. Thanks, but no thanks.’
‘I don’t think you understand,’ he intoned, using his paternal go-to-your-room-young-lady voice. ‘In a year’s time you can come back and everything will be as right as—’
‘No. I’m not losing any more of Landen than I have already.’
I had an idea.
‘Besides, I do have somewhere I can go.’
‘Where?’ enquired my father. ‘Where could you possibly go that Lavoisier couldn’t find you? Backward, forward, sideways, otherways—there isn’t anywhere else!’
I smiled.
‘You’re wrong, Dad. There is somewhere. A place where no one will ever find me—not even you.’
‘Sweetpea—!’ he implored. ‘It is imperative that you take this seriously! Where will you go?’
I replied slowly, ‘I’ll just lose myself in a good book.’
Despite their pleading I bade farewell to Mum, Dad and Lady Hamilton, crept out of the house and sped to my apartment on Joffy’s motorbike I parked outside the front door in clear defiance of the Goliath and SpecOps agents who were still waiting for me. I ambled slowly in, it would take them twenty minutes or more to report to base and then get up the stairs and break down the door—and I really only needed to pack a few things. I still had my memories of Landen and they would sustain me until I got him back. Because I would get him back—but I needed time to rest and recuperate and bring our child into the world with the minimum of fuss, bother and interruptions. I packed four tins of Moggilicious cat food, two packets of Mintolas, a large jar of Marmite and two dozen AA batteries into a large holdall along with a few changes of clothing, a picture of my family and the copy of Jane Eyre with the bullet lodged in the cover. I placed a sleepy and confused Pickwick and her egg into the holdall and zipped up the bag so that only her head stuck out. I then sat and waited on a chair in front of the door with a copy of Great Expectations on my lap. I wasn’t a natural book-jumper and without my travel book I was going to need the fear of capture to help catapult me through the boundaries of fiction.
I started to read at the first knock on the door and continued through the volley of shouts for me to open up, past the muffled thuds and the sound of splintered wood until finally, as the door fell in, I melted into the dingy interior of Great Expectations and Satis House.
Miss Havisham was slightly shocked when I explained what I needed, and even more shocked at the sight of Pickwick, but she consented to my request and cleared it with the Bellman—on the proviso that I’d continue with my training. I was hurriedly inducted into the Character Exchange Programme and given a secondary part in an unpublished book deep within the Well of Lost Plots—the woman I was replacing had for some time wanted to take a course in Drama at the Reading Academy of Dramatic Arts, so it suited her equally well. As I wandered down to Sub-basement six, Exchange Programme docket in hand made out to someone named Briggs, I felt more relaxed than I had for weeks. I found the correct book sandwiched between the first draft of an adventure in the Tasman seas and a vague notion of a comedy set in Bomber Command. I picked up the book, took it to one of the reading tables and quietly read myself into my new home.
I found myself on the banks of a reservoir somewhere in the Home Counties. It was summer and the air smelt warm and sweet after the wintry conditions back home. I was standing on a wooden jetty in front of a large and seemingly derelict flying boat, which rocked gently in the breeze, tugging on the mooring ropes. A woman had just stepped out of a door in the high-sided hull; she was holding a suitcase.
‘Hello!’ she shouted, running up and offering me a hand. ‘I’m Mary. You must be Thursday. My goodness! What’s that?’
‘A dodo. Her name’s Pickwick.’
‘I thought they were extinct.’
‘Not where I come from. Is this where I’m going to live?’ I was pointing at the shabby flying boat dubiously.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ smiled Mary proudly. ‘Isn’t she just the most beautiful thing ever? Short Sunderland, built in 1943 but last flew in ‘54. I’m mid-way converting her to a houseboat but don’t feel shy if you want to help out. Just keep the bilges pumped out and if you can run the number three engine once a month I’d be very grateful.’
‘Er—okay,’ I stammered.
‘Good. I’ve left a rough precis of the story taped to the fridge but don’t worry too much—since we’re not published you can do pretty much what you want. Any problems, ask Captain Nemo who lives on the Nautilus two boats down, and don’t worry, Jack might seem gruff to begin with but he has a heart of gold and if he asks you to drive his Austin Allegro, make sure you depress the clutch fully before changing gear. Did the Bellman supply you with all the necessary paperwork and fake IDs?’
I patted my pocket and she handed me a scrap of paper and a bunch of keys.
‘Good. This is my Footnoterphone number in case of emergencies, these are the keys to the flying boat and my BMW. If someone named Arnold calls, tell him he had his chance and he blew it. Any questions?’
‘I don’t think so.’
She smiled.
‘Then we’re done. You’ll like it here. It’s pretty odd. I’ll see you in about a year. So long!’
She gave a cheery wave and walked off up the dusty track. I looked across the lake at the faraway dinghies, then watched a pair of swans beating their wings furiously and pedalling the water to take off. I sat down on a rickety wooden seat and let Pickwick out of the bag. It wasn’t home but it looked pleasant enough. Landen’s reactualisation was in the uncharted future, along with Aornis’s and Goliath’s come-uppance—but all in good time. I would miss Mum, Dad, Joffy, Bowden, Victor and maybe even Cordelia. But it wasn’t all bad news—at least this way I wouldn’t have to do The Thursday Next Workout Video.
As my father said, it’s funny the way things turn out.
1
‘Thursday Next!’
(<< back)
2
‘Miss Next—hello’ Testing, testing One, two, three.’
(
<< back)
3
‘If you’re busy, Miss Next, we can talk later.’
(<< back)
4
‘The name is Snell, Akrid Snell. Who was that disturbingly attractive woman in the tight pink sweater?’
(<< back)
5
‘Really? Is she married?’
(<< back)
6
‘Sorry. Should have said. I’m the defence attorney allocated to your case.’
(<< back)
7
‘Of course not! That’s our defence strategy in a nutshell. You are completely innocent. If we can convince the examining magistrate we can probably get a postponement.’
(<< back)
8
‘Miss Next, I’m so sorry, I had to take a call. Portia again: she wanted to discuss the timing of her “drop of blood” defence. Bit of a feisty one, that Your hearing is next Thursday—so be prepared!’
(<< back)
9
‘That’s good, Thursday. Can I call you Thursday? Keep up that sort of wide-eyed innocent babe-in-the-woods stuff and we’ll have you off the hook quicker than you can say verruca.’
(<< back)
10
‘I’ll explain it all when we meet. Sorry to have to communicate with you in footnotes but I’m due in court in ten minutes. Don’t speak to anyone at all about the case and I’ll see you on Thursday, Thursday. That’s quite funny, that “Thursday… Thursday “ Hmm Maybe not. Got to go. Remember speak to no one about the case and if you have a moment, see if you can find out anything about that Flakk girl’s domestic arrangements. Well, chin-chin and toodle-pip.’
(<< back)
11
‘Thursday, for heaven’s sake, what have you done?!’
(<< back)
12
‘I told you not to talk to anyone about your case!’
(<< back)
13
‘How can I be expected to help you if you go and blab everything to the prosecution?’
(<< back)
14
‘Why, Hopkins, you idiot! You pretty much confessed there and then on your own doorstep. This is going to really screw things up for us. Don’t speak to anyone about anything, for Christ’s sake—do you want to spend the next thousand readings imprisoned in Castle Doubting or something?’
(<< back)
15
‘No time. I’ll speak to you before we go into court. Remember don’t talk to anyone at all about the case. By the way, did you manage to find anything out about that delightfully odd Flakk girlie?’
(<< back)
16
‘Really? That is interesting news. Well, must dash Pip-pip.’
(<< back)
17
‘Miss Next? Havisham speaking!’
(<< back)
18
‘I hope you didn’t say what I thought I heard you say!’
(<< back)
19
‘I am here, young lady, but I am shocked by your coarse language!’
(<< back)
20
‘Really? Well, I will not hear it from my apprentices. But I forgive you, I suppose. I need you to attend to me right now. Norland Park, Chapter 5, paragraph one—you’ll find it in the travel book Mrs Nakajima left for you.’
(<< back)
21
‘Loud and clear, whiskers pressed, fed and watered, boots on and laced, ready to—’
(<< back)
22
‘Not yet—none of the names appears in the Register of Fictioneers. I’m just going through the reams of unpublished characters from the Well of Lost Plots—it might take some time.’
(<< back)
23
‘I hope I’m mistaken but you’ve got the Questing Beast approaching from the south-east—a hundred yards and closing.’
(<< back)
24
‘He’s in Middlemarch at the moment. I’ll try him on the Footnoterphone—but you know how deaf he is.’
(<< back)
25
‘He’s not answering. Do you know, this reminds me of the time the Demogorgon met Medusa in the 1923 “Miss Loathsome” competition—’
(<< back)
26
‘Coming up!’
(<< back)
27
‘Any second now, Tweedy.’
(<< back)
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Document version: 1
Document creation date: 18.11.2004
Created using: any2fb2, FB Tools software
OCR Source: billbo196
Document authors :
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Lost in a Good Book tn-2 Page 35
