“He’s lost his sense of connecting to The Big Picture, that part of us that knows where we are. Kinda . .. like me.”
“I know.” He looks at me with those gorgeous, mysterious eyes. He’s a hole in space, where the axis of the world goes. Part of me things I started falling for him the day we met.
“I just want it back HuanJen. I keep having glimpses of it all making sense and it falls apart. I can’t run towards it. Grasping never works because grasping the world is like grasping water.” I pause. “Hey, that was reasonably pretentions and clerical!”
“I’m so proud.”
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me I was being so stupid?”
“Would you have listened.” He smiles at me wanly
“No, no, you couldn’t have told me shit.”
“I’m not angry. Not now. You’re worth it. I hope you think I am.”
“Of course I do.” I sort of throw up my hands. “Huan, you’re the reliable thing in my life, my gate, my center, my mentor … why wouldn’t I be? You’re the one thing that ever went right, and … I love you. You share everything with me.”
“You,” he intoned solemnly, but with affection. “Never asked me to be anything different either. I have stood at the axis of the world Jade, but no one ever stops by in my life. You stayed. I can share all my life with you, and you never take me too seriously or not seriously enough. I love you too, Jade.”
“I know.” My voice cracks. Gods, those eyes, and that sense of being around him, like looking out at the ocean. He’s all depth and silence and peace, and I want to fall into him and sink into infinity.
“I’ll try and do better in the boyfriend department. I let you down there, there were times I restrained myself instead of acting from the heart. When I’m not sure … I just don’t do anything.”
“You did what you could. A lot.”
“I wanted to. I felt at home with you.” There’s a tear in the corner of his left eye. I kiss the saltiness away.
“OK. I … what’s wrong?”
He’s distracted, sad. He fluctuates between formal and informal, teacher and friend. “The shamans have a ritual they perform to help them find that center, or to return to it. The Journey to the Heart. I’m going to help him repeat it. He has asked me for help, and I will give it, for our friendship and for Green.”
“Why do I get the impression this isn’t as simple as it sounds?”
“The ritual is standard, a psychological journey into their godworld to reassert his connection to the Otherworld, whatever you wish to call it. But he wishes to do it in the Valley of the Crypts. It is a tradition at times to show one feels those past will not oppose them.”
I feel my heart coat with frost. He’s not talking some place like the Lyceum or even the Ossuary. He’s talking the outlying regions, the barrows and tombs and old altars. Dangerous, wild, haunted; a shrine measured in acres.
“That’s dangerous.” It’s all I can say.
“It shouldn’t be too bad. It should take an evening, he’s prepared, though I am not sure he will succeed. I will look over him.”
“To guard him from anything supernatural or otherwise. But manly the former.”
He nods. “Yes.”
The razor-wire of fear rips through my guts. “Gods. Oh, gods, first my fuckups and now his.”
“Jade …”
“You’re going to cover his ass, he’s just doing this to show he’s up to it, show the others in the Guild. If I’d talked to you about him, maybe this wouldn’t happened. And someday, I’ll fuck up just like I did and you’ll be covering for me, and I don’t want to hurt you! I fucked up now …”
“I trust you.” The words strike like a blow. “I trust you more than anyone.”
HuanJen kisses my forehead and continues, holding me to him. “Jade you’re not Kevin. He went too far out of himself, you came back in time. No, I’m not happy with this mess, but I do trust you. I could put my life in your hands without a thought.”
I believe he feels that way, I’m not sure about me.
“I’m scared.” I manage to get out. The bar, all of it, gods. I feel like something is trying to crush me and its too huge to escape.
“Jade.” He’s firm, resolute. ” This is what I do, and what we do.”
“Yeah. When? When is it?”
“The twenty-third. It’s the time he can get away and I think I can. I’ll be back in time for the costume party. I’m sorry, but …”
The party. Crap, I forgot with everything. The party HuanJen got us tickets too, the pre-Thanksgiving party that sounded like a Halloween party, but on Xai Halloween is pretty much for kids. The party I really thought would be nice to go to but I was too busy being an apprentice to think about it.
“I still need to get costumes.” I feel like an idiot talking about something so casual. “I …”
“Go ahead, I will be back, Jade. And we have time together.. Let’s have dinner and just talk. Lets just be ourselves.”
Be ourselves. I wonder what’s going to happen to us now, to him.
Part of me feels it falling through my grasp … and I want to tighten my grip …
… and I can’t.
Neither can he.
INTERLUDE: NIGHTTIME
November 23, 1999 AD - Xaian Standard Calendar
“Clairice, wake up.”
“I’m awake.” I say it before I realize it’s true. It’s night. It’s dark. It’s Jade’s voice. She’d better have a damn good reason to come into my bedroom - well, the living room - at whatever hour it is.
“Look, I …” I catch glimpses of her green eyes in the darkness, they always reflect light strangely. “I want to clear the air?”
“What?” This does not sound like Jade.
“Look, I’ve gotten some perspective,” She tries to sit on the edge of the couch’s folded out bed. I make room, shift a few blankets around. This is creepy, this is definitely not Jade. It’s not like I think of her as a bitch, well mutch, but this is haunting.
“Jade, are you OK?”
“Huan’s going to do that ritual.” Her voice is flat, dead. “With Kevin.”
“Yeah.” There’s not much for me to say, its the kind of stuff HuanJen is always doing. “He’ll be fine, Jade, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Maybe …”
This is wrong. Too many damn changes. This is Jade, the nuclear-powered bitch, practically crying.
“Look.” Jade finally speaks. “Go talk to Lorne tomorrow. You know his hours. Stop being jealous of me, stop worrying. He cares about you and knows that you’re jealous.”
“What …” I feel guilty as I realize what she’s talking about.
“Be honest.” Jade sounds bitter. “You’re holding back. I know it was hard to come here considergin how much time one of your best friends spent with me.”
“Yeah.” She’s right, I guess. I’m not sure.
OK, she is right, I’m jealous. Lorne, well, he and I had something special. She comes here and in a few weeks they’re buddies. Just because she watches his tape collection. I don’t get it.
“He misses you. I know how you feel, Clairice, you didn’t want to come here. I know that was your first apartment and when it was gone, well, you went to where you felt safe. Here, despite me. I know you’ve lost a lot, and I can understand. I should have. I didn’t.”
She’s speaking my feelings, everything I’ve been feeling falling out of her mouth. I have no idea what to do, no idea what to say. This isn’t her, isn’t the manic future mystic I’ve known the last few weeks. Maybe it’s the real her, I don’t know.
“Life’s too short to forget people Clairice, or ignore them because of petty jealousy or because distance seems safe. Don’t do it. Don’t ever push anyone away or run away. They may not come back.”
“I … won’t.”
“Good. I’m going back to sleep.” Jade gets up mechanically and slides toward her room. I feel like I have to say something.
“What are you doing tomorrow?” I ask.
“Worrying.” the answer is as distant as the farthest star.
I sit in the dark, and realize I didn’t know her, don’t know if I do now. I do know I have to talk to Lorne, and perhaps to her.
Perhaps … she’ll need me.
DISGUISES
NOVEMBER 24, 1999AD, XAIAN STANDARD
The sun of Xai rose over Metris, the bustling, semi-official capital of the frontier world between Earths.
On some Earths, the suns seemed enthused to shine down on a new day. On others, one could almost get the impression said stars were afraid to see what had occurred on the world that circled them. On others, the sun appeared harsh and indifferent to the life below.
On Xai, it was hard to shake the feeling the sun rose each day with an attitude of “let’s see what they’re up to this time …”
HuanJen, Zone Cleric #152 of Guild Esoteric, was always up to something. Admittedly, he always seemed to be up to a great deal more than was obvious at first glance; you just couldn’t catch him at it.
That morning, however, he drifted through his apartment in a strange, aimless in a way that differed from his usual effective aimlessness. He woke, did his morning ablutions, dressed, and began calmly packing a dufflebag. The cleric seemed like a specter; a strange, lanky ghost with an odd white-streak in his black hair, nearly invisible in the morning dimness thanks to his dark clothes.
To an observer, he would have appeared as distant as the wind and just as unflappable. To most observers, at any rate.
“Hello Huan.” The cleric jumped as he stepped into the living room from the hallway, his distant demeanor shattering. His attention swiftly focused on a familiar figure.
Jade sat on the living-room couch, still in her plain gray nightgown. The light filtering in through the porch curtains was enough to make her dark-furred form stand out on the essentially-white couch. It was also enough illumination to make out her concerned expression.
“Hello, Jade” The mystic smiled warmly. “I was going to wake you. Where is Clairice?”
“She had some errands to run. Ready for everything?” Jade’s voice had a kind of fearful, annoyed anger echoing in the words.
“I am. You …”
Jade stood up and crossed her arms. “No I’m not. I’m … concerned. I have been since last week. So are you.”
“About you, yes.” HuanJen smiled sheepishly. “And you …”
“About you, yeah.” Jade laughed. “I know Kevin has to do what he has to do, but godsdamn it, I … ah hell. I just want you back safe, sane, and sound. The Valley’s no place for a picnic, I know, believe me.”
“I shall be careful,” HuanJen said calmly, with some guilt. “I have faced such things before. He asked me to help, and I will. You understand me, perhaps more than anyone ever has. Or could.”
“I know.” Jade stomped her foot. “Part of me wants to stop you, but … I’d do the same thing. Besides, this is you, my ever-unstoppable holy man.”
With a forceful gesture, HuanJen swept Jade into his arms and kissed her. Jade didn’t resist, but pulled him closer.
“I’m confused,” Jade said seriously, voice strained, “I … part of me says I’m holding you back now, being a new worry. Part of me says I’m a help. Part of me thinks I’ll fuck up like Kevin and you’ll bail my ass out. Part of me feels … I don’t know … like I can loose you. I’ve got so much on my mind. Damn this sucks!”
“Jade,” HuanJen looked into his lovers eyes, “I will go to the Valley of the Crypts with Kevin. I will stand by him because he needs me to stand by him. And when it is done, I will come back to you as if I flew on dragon’s wings. I promise.”
“Nothing’s guaranteed, Huan. I’m not that naive. Let me revel in my neuroses, please.”
“There’s nothing to be afraid of, Jade. Trust me.”
Those two words usually set Jade’s mind at ease when he spoke them, but the Fang-Shih was surprised to hear instead; “I want things to be OK, HuanJen.”
“So do I. I am and will be fine. I … I need to go.” HuanJen managed to speak despite a growing lump in his throat.
Jade threw her arms around the magician-priest and kissed him firmly. HuanJen staggered slightly, then regained his footing and returned the embrace.
“I … actually don’t want to leave you. I like it here with you.” The mystic said simply.
“I know,” Jade said gently, smiling as her boyfriend’s reserve finally broke. “So, here I am, not wanting you to go, telling you I’ll kick your ass if you don’t. You’ve got breakfast?”
“I packed something for Kevin and I, yes. He should be here soon. I was going to wake you, but I see you’ve taken care of that.” HuanJen sighed. “I should never even run the risk of underestimating you.”
“You got it.” Jade looked at the clock on the VCR. “He’s gonna be here soon. Look, since we had our talk, it’s been wonderful. I know I could study more, but we’ve been busy, and I feel like … us. I wanted you to know, I …”
“I love you, Jade.” HuanJen kissed his Vulpine companion on the forehead.
“I love you too.” Jade smiled sadly. “So, look. Go get your breakfast. Go zappy-thing off of the porch like you always do. I’ll go do everything I should do, and I’ll see you tomorrow and we’ll go to that Guild costume party tomorrow night like nothing happened. I got the costumes already.”
The magician-priest touched Jade’s cheek gently, then walked to the refrigerator, withdrew a few packages, and returned to her side. His eyes seemed to glow darkly for a moment.
“I shall be back.”
“I … know.” Jade found herself sounding less sure than she felt. Recent events whirled in the darkened corners of her mind - the haunted Nax, the exorcism, Kevin’s breakdown. Things were changing so fast.
HuanJen took her hand and walked to the porch. He slid the door open with a smile, gave her hand a squeeze …
… and vanished.
Jade wanted to look over the balcony, see him on the street below, see him waiting. She could watch until Kevin arrived, then watch him drive away. It’d be easy to do.
It would also be stupid and painful and sappy, and she wasn’t going to do it. She was in love, even if it had snuck up and surprised her, but she refused to be stereotypical.
HuanJen materialized outside the Crosspoint, and stole a look up at the balcony of the apartment. Jade wasn’t looking for him. He smiled a bit - he’d hoped she wouldn’t torment herself. Of course the fact he was looking for her to not be looking for him was a bit of self-torment in his own right, but he ignored that.
He had to admit he felt rather foolish worrying about her. This was Jade, after all. Then again, this was Jade. Sometime reconciling the iron-willed unstoppable force of nature Jade seemed to be with a vulnerable person he cared about and worried about was difficult to do.
A sporty red electric car purred to a halt in front of the mystic as he stood, lost in thoughts. From inside the vehicle, Kevin Anderson waved tiredly, obviously weary. Even his shaman’s motley seemed somehow less colorful.
“Green’s car?” HuanJen asked as he squeezed into the passenger seat. Old Man Green, late mentor to both men, had refused to act his age for the last fifty years of his life. A car meant for a man much younger or more likely to compensate for physical inadequacies was the kind of thing he had indulged in with gusto.
“It sort of goes with the house,” the young shaman answered. “He hasn’t driven it for years.”
“That,” HuanJen’s said reservedly, “was likely a good thing for all concerned. You are ready? I brought breakfast.”
“Yes. Huan?”
“Yes?”
Kevin looked back for a second, making sure his position on the street wasn’t impeding traffic. “Thanks, Huan. Thank you for doing this. I don’t know who else I could trust. This isn’t easy for me.”
“I know. You knew I would, Kevin. I do understand how it fe
els to not be quite right.”
“Really?” The younger man squinted at HuanJen, as if seeing the magician-priest for the first time.
“Really. Shall we go, Kevin?”
Kevin bit back a flood of questions, and shifted the car into gear and it hummed into motion. There were things about HuanJen he figured were the private business of his fellow cleric. “Things man was not meant to know” was half the job description of being a member of Guild Esoteric, but HuanJen’s ocean-deep mind was something Kevin figured he didn’t need to try and grasp right now.
The car purred off into traffic. HuanJen risked one more look up at the balcony. Jade still wasn’t there. He couldn’t help but smile.
Jade sat on the desk in the study, thinking.
When she’d first moved in with HuanJen, the study had been a place of mystery, where strange books and herbs lurked and where HuanJen’s computer was in mortal danger of destructive alchemical encounters. Later (with the computer in the living room) it was a place she tried to avoid spending time in so she could be in the field with HuanJen and … the sense of the outerworld. Now it seemed strangely comforting sitting in the study, the floor-to-ceiling shelves of strange books, the smells of potions brewing, the feel of words and wisdom and foundations.
It was the perfect place to think, and she had a lot to think about. After all, she had time, and she might as well take advantage of it.
She wanted to tell herself she was being stupid. There was little to fear - Kevin was going to the Valley of the Crypts, show off his supernatural mojo or whatever, do a ritual to heal his shattered nerves and identity. HuanJen was along as backup since the Valley was not so much a place where reality took a vacation, but a place where there was too much reality to begin with.
She reminded herself this was HuanJen, a guy who’d cut his teeth on the occult. This was HuanJen, raised on Sanctum, master exorcist, and a generally enlightened person who occasionally embodied goofiness incarnate. There was little spiritually that he couldn’t handle, she was sure. Yet, she didn’t believe it.
It was bizarre. She kept obsessing over him being away, facing things that were challenging but probably not dangerous. Slate worked security for Corona, Lorne was a Gendarme, and she never worried about them.
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