by Amy Cross
She looks over at the door again. “I need you to go and find Jesophat,” she says matter-of-factly. “Please. He can't be far away.”
“Did you have dreams while you were gone?” I ask, squeezing her hand again. “Addie, maybe these vivid -”
“I'm not Addie,” she says, turning to me. “Please stop using that name.”
“Addie -”
“Stop,” she says firmly.
“Do you want me to call you something else?” I ask, figuring I should try another approach. “What do you want me to call you?”
“I want you to find Jesophat,” she replies. “He was right behind me. We were climbing together, and maybe I got a little ahead, but not by much. He should be here now.”
“Addie -”
“I need you to find him,” she adds, sounding a little more concerned than before. “If he doesn't show up soon, I'm going to get worried.” She stares at me for a moment, before looking down at her hands. Her pinky fingers are still linked together and she's pulling on them slightly. “He'll come soon,” she whispers. “I know he will. He has to.”
I open my mouth to ask what she means, but to be honest I'm starting to feel as if she must have experienced some very vivid dreams while she was in her coma. Arguing with her probably isn't going to do much good, and I figure her memories of those dreams will fade over the next few hours.
Sure, that's it.
Dreams.
She's just confused.
“I'll tell you what,” I say with a smile, getting to my feet and letting go of her hand. “Mommy's going to go find some coffee, okay? I won't be gone long, I swear, and I'll bring you some juice. Remember that juice you used to really like so much? The one I wouldn't let you have always, because of the sugar? Well, they have it in a vending machine right here in the hospital and I figure you deserve some today. Does that sound good?”
I wait for her to reply, but she continues to play with her fingers.
“Plus, I have to call Daddy,” I tell her. “I don't even know if he knows you're awake yet, but he'll definitely want to get here as soon as he can.”
“You have to find Jesophat and bring him to me,” she replies, looking up at me again. “I'm worried about him. I need to know that he's okay, that he didn't fall back down the wall.”
Staring at her, I realize that she's absolutely serious. In fact, there's a hint of fear in her eyes.
“What wall, honey?” I ask, curious about the dreams she must have been having.
“The wall we climbed up to get here,” she continues, sounding a little frustrated. “Jesophat was almost as good at climbing as I was. I know it was hard, but he still should have made it without any problems, and he should have been very close when he got through.” She pauses, frowning slightly. “He'll be looking for me,” she adds. “I know that. It won't take long and then we'll be together again. I just hope...”
Her voice trails off.
“You just hope what, sweetheart?” I ask, feeling a growing sense of unease.
She pauses, before shaking her head. “Nothing. I don't want to think about that. There's no way he could have fallen. He's too strong and too smart.”
I stare at her for a moment, contemplating asking her what she means, before finally I force a smile. I'm sure she'll snap back to her old self soon, if I just give her time.
“I'll be right back,” I tell her. “Just wait here, okay? Mommy will be right back. And then we'll figure this all out. The most important thing is that you're here with us again. Every else, we can... work around.”
“I need you to find Jesophat,” she says yet again. “Please. I'm getting worried about him.”
Erica
“No, she's fine,” I tell Rob as I pull two energy drink cartons from the vending machine. “Really, it's just... Some of the things she's been saying are a little weird, but that's nothing to worry about.”
“Like what?” he asks, glancing past me and looking along the corridor.
“Nothing.”
“Erica?”
“It's not worth mentioning.”
“You did mention it, though.”
I sigh, realizing that I should have just kept quiet. I mean, she might even have dropped all that talk about Jesophat by the time we get back to her room.
“I think she just had some crazy dreams,” I tell him. “You should go in and see her. She's probably stopped already by now.” Looking at the description on one of the cartons, I find that the words are swimming, although after a moment I'm able to make them stay still long enough to read what I'm about to drink. “Caffeinated energy formula,” I mutter. “Wow. One of these cartons is equivalent to five espressos.” I start opening the top. “I won't need to sleep for a month.”
“Have you looked in the mirror lately?” he asks.
“What's that supposed to mean?” I reply, before drinking the first carton in one go.
“The bags under your eyes have bags of their own. You look like you haven't slept in days. And don't give me that crap about catching an hour here and there during the day, because I don't believe you. You're running on empty, and you can't live off coffee and sugar forever.”
“I eat,” I mutter, tossing the first carton into the trash and opening the second. “There'll be time to sleep later, once we've got Addie home. Besides, I had to stay awake in case you and Doctor Andrews decided to switch off the -”
I catch myself just in time.
“I'm sorry,” I add. “That was unfair. I know you were just thinking of the best thing for Addie, and I know that in 99% of cases she would've had no hope.” I drink the second carton and then toss it away. “Addie doesn't know that you were in favor of turning her machine off, and I will never, ever tell her or use it against you. Just go and see her, okay? Why are you even wasting time standing here, talking to me? Addie's in a room two corridors away, and she's awake, Rob! We've got her back! Our family is together again! We can start making things right!”
He pauses, before nodding.
“And don't feel guilty,” I continue, as I slip some more coins into the machine. “Go see her. I'll be along in a moment. I just need one more of these to really perk myself up. She shouldn't see me when I'm exhausted, she might blame herself. And don't worry if she says things that seem a little strange. I think she's just adjusting to being awake again.”
As Rob heads along to find Addie's room, I take another carton from the machine and lean back against the wall. I know I'm tearing my body apart by relying on these things, but I can't afford to sleep, not when Addie needs me the most. Downing the carton, I feel a shudder pass through my body, and when I lean my head back I can't help thinking about the sight of Addie sitting up on the bed. For a few seconds, I allow my eyes to close and I feel another rush of relief washing through my body.
She's back.
She's really back.
Despite all the dark moments, despite all the fears that one day her machine would have to be turned off, our little girl came back to us.
I knew she would.
“M'am?”
Startled, I turn and see a nurse standing next to me.
“Is something wrong?” I ask, immediately worried about Addie. In the back of my mind, I'm worried she might slip back into her coma as quickly as she seemed to slip out.
“No, M'am,” she replies with an embarrassed smile, “I just... It looked like you were about to fall asleep there.”
Stepping away from the wall, I realize she's right. I need to resist the urge to close my eyes, even for a few seconds.
“Sorry,” I mutter, tossing the empty energy drink carton away. I already feel more awake, and I figure that I'll be able to sleep normally again soon. “My daughter just woke up,” I tell the nurse, “and... Well, it's just been a stressful time, that's all.”
“You're Addie's mother, right?” she asks with a smile. “I'm so pleased for you. We all thought... Well, everyone on the ward is just so relieved that she woke up. It's a mirac
le.”
Making my way back along the corridor, I feel as if I might drop at any moment, but finally I reach the door to Addie's room and peer through. Rob is sitting on the edge of her bed, holding her hand, and for a few seconds I can't help but smile at the sight. Despite everything I told people, there were times when I let doubts seep into my heart. I hate myself for that, but it's true. I kept hoping for the best, but a part of me was braced for the worst, for the possibility that our family would never be together again.
“What about Suzie?” Rob is saying as I enter the room, sounding a little irritated. “You must remember Suzie. She's been your best friend ever since kindergarten.”
“I have to find Jesophat,” she tells him, her voice laced with desperation now. After a moment, she turns to me. “Tell him!”
“She wants to find Jesophat,” I mutter as I head around the bed and stop behind Rob, placing my hands on his shoulders. “Why don't you tell us about Jesophat, honey?” I ask Addie. “Give us a clue. Maybe if we know what you mean, we can find him or... Maybe we can go to the toy store and find someone like him? Would that be good? Is he a type of animal? Is he a tiger, or a bear, or... I don't know, a crocodile?”
“Of course he isn't,” she replies. “He's like me.”
“A little girl?”
“No!” she hisses. “A boy!”
“And he was in your dreams?”
She stares at me for a moment, with disdain in her eyes, before looking at Rob again. “Just go and find him. He'll be making himself known. He probably woke up around the same time that I did, and he'll be asking for me.”
“Addie,” I say with a sigh, “why don't we try to -”
“Stop calling me that!” she says firmly. “My name isn't Addie!”
“Then what is it?” Rob asks.
“I -” She pauses, as if she was about to tell us something, but finally she seems to change her mind. “Find Jesophat for me,” she continues, with the tone of voice of someone who thinks she's talking to a pair of idiots. “Why can't you just do that? It should be easy enough, and I've asked you over and over.”
Rob looks up at me, and for a moment we exchange a worried glance.
“We should get home,” he says finally, getting to his feet.
“I'm not leaving,” I tell him.
“Visiting hours are over,” he replies pointedly. “They've already let us stay longer than usual, and I'm sure we all need some sleep. You especially, Erica.” He turns to Addie. “Doesn't Mommy seem tired to you, sweetie? Don't you think she should go home and get some rest? She even has a few pimples from all the take-out food she's been eating lately.”
“I'm not leaving,” I say again.
“You don't have a choice, Erica,” he continues, making his way around the bed and grabbing his jacket from the chair in the corner. “Addie, the doctors and nurses are going to take good care of you,” he adds, turning to her. “Mommy and Daddy will be back first thing tomorrow morning and we'll bring some things for you. Books, games, whatever you want. I think you're going to have some tests done too, but there's no need to be scared.”
“I'm not scared,” she replies, as if she's insulted by the suggestion.
Rob glances at me, before turning back to her. “I'll take the day off work,” he tells her. “We'll both be right here with you.”
“I don't want you to be here with me. I want -”
“We heard,” he adds, sounding annoyed as he cuts her off. “You want us to find this Jesophat person, but the problem is that there doesn't seem to be anyone by that name. You're just confused.” He steps over to her and leans down, kissing the top of her head. “I'm sure everything'll seem much better in the morning. And then hopefully soon we can get you home, sweetie, and then things will all start going back to normal.”
“You don't understand,” she hisses, “I just -”
“Goodnight, honey,” he adds, interrupting her before heading to the door. “Erica, I'll be downstairs. I think I need one of those energy drinks.”
“He's just tired,” I tell Addie, stepping over to her. “If I go home for just a few hours, and if I promise to bring some fun things in for you tomorrow, will you be okay here? Can you be my brave little girl? The doctors and nurses are very nice.”
She stares at me, but it's not fear I see in her eyes, it's more... frustration.
“Or I can ask them to let me stay,” I continue, tucking another stray strand of hair behind her ear. “I'm sure they -”
“Stop that!” she snaps, pulling away.
“You're tired.”
“I just want you to find him! He might be alone and scared!”
“You have to learn to distinguish between dreams and reality,” I tell her. “You were unconscious for nine months. That's a lot of time to dream, honey, and the dreams probably feel more real than the world here at the hospital. But once you get back home with Mommy and Daddy, you'll remember things better.” Leaning closer, I give her a hug. She doesn't reciprocate, but at least this time she doesn't actively try to pull away. “You'll feel better soon, I promise. I love you, Addie. I love you so much, and I just thank God that he brought you back to us. I'll never stop thanking him, not for as long as I draw breath.”
I pause for a moment, not wanting to let go.
“I'm not Addie,” she says after a moment, as I feel her hot breath against my ear, “and the only thing I care about is finding Jesophat.”
“You'll see,” I tell her. “Everything'll feel so much better tomorrow.”
***
Pulling the car door shut, I turn to Rob and wait for him to say something. From the look in his eyes, however, I can tell that he's worried.
“What do you think?” I ask cautiously.
“About what?” He sighs. “About the fact that our daughter seems to have lost her mind?” He holds up a toy lion he bought in the hospital gift shop. “Meet Jesophat. I'll give it to her tomorrow, hopefully it'll straighten her out.” Sighing, he tosses the lion onto the back seat, but it falls off and drops to the floor.
“It's just because she's come out of a long coma,” I point out. “She's probably spent nine months in a dream-world.”
“She doesn't even sound like Addie.”
“She's scared. She's defensive.”
He pauses for a moment, before peering up at the hospital's main building. “She really creeped me out in there,” he mutters. “When I got the call to say she was awake, I was so relieved, but then when I saw her and heard all that stuff coming from her mouth...”
His voice trails off.
“Where were you, anyway?” I ask. “I thought you weren't supposed to be working late tonight?”
“There was just some stuff I had to deal with,” he replies, still watching the building.
“Stuff?”
“Yes,” he says firmly. “Stuff.”
I want to ask him again, to allay my suspicions, but I quickly tell myself that this wouldn't be the right moment. I know Rob's a good person, and I trust him implicitly. He's just been burying himself in his work. That's been his way of dealing with Addie's illness, but now he'll start being home more. Now we can all be together again.
“It'll be okay,” I tell him, putting a hand on his knee. “The important thing is that we've got her back, and soon we'll be able to take her home. Everything'll be okay when we get her out of this place. Any problems we've been having will go away once our little family is back together.”
“Do you really think that?” he asks, turning to me.
“I know it,” I continue, forcing a smile. “With ever fiber of my being, I know that once we get our little girl home, everything will be perfect.”
Erica
“I can't believe it!” Diane says a few days later, sitting at the kitchen counter as I hurry to the fridge. “I mean, don't take this the wrong way, Erica, but I think most people... Well, let's just say that it's a wonderful surprise to learn that Addie's awake again. I almost couldn't believe i
t.”
“It's a miracle,” I reply, taking the huge bowl of fruit salad and then using my butt to close the fridge door. “And I don't even believe in miracles!”
“I was dreading another funeral,” she continues. “Do you know, I've been to three already this year? Three! People are dropping like flies! I blame the power lines.”
I frown.
“Suzie's so excited to see Addie again,” she adds. “To be honest, John and I had already had the big talk with her. You know, about death and angels and all that palava. It was just our way to prepare her for what seemed like an inevitability, but I don't think it really got through. We actually considered killing her hamster, just in a controlled kind of way, to prepare her for something happening to Addie. I had the brick in my hand, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.”
She pauses for a moment.
“Oh,” she adds, “you don't mind me being so honest, do you?”
“Of course not.” I set the bowl down and then start looking for the spoon I had a moment ago, and which seems to have suddenly vanished.
“And are you finally getting some sleep?” Diane asks.
“Kind of,” I reply, still searching for the spoon. “Sort of. You know how it is. They think Addie can come home from the hospital tomorrow, if all her tests go well, so things'll start getting back to normal.”
“You look tired.”
I can't help smiling. “Well, thanks...”
“And you've got a pimple on the side of your nose.”
“Greasy take-out food.”
“And you seem pale.”
“Thanks a bunch.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Sure, but -”
Finding the spoon, I grab it and then turn. In the process, however, I knock the bowl of fruit salad and send it tumbling off the counter. I wince as it smashes against the floor and sends fruit and juice slopping as far as the back door. I've been in such a frantic state all morning, I guess I should have known something like that was going to happen eventually.
“You really need some sleep,” Diane points out, getting to her feet and grabbing some towels from the hooks by the stove. “Don't take this the wrong way, Erica, but you're a mess. A functional mess, but a mess. It doesn't matter how many of those energy drinks and caffeine pills you pour down your throat. Sooner or later, the fact that you're getting by on an hour or two's sleep each night is gonna bite you in the ass.”
