“Today is more than just your sister’s birthday,” said Kevin. “Today is the anniversary of the opening of the Golden Gate Bridge. May twenty-seventh. That is, today is the thirty-ninth anniversary of the day they first let people walk across the bridge. The next day, May twenty-eighth, they let cars and trucks drive across. That was a long time ago in 1937, long before you were born.”
“It’s also National Body Arts Painting Festival day, Kevin. You got a tie for that too?” said Gina. “Maybe something that wiggles its hips every time you take a step?” The whole family laughed. “Then again, maybe I shouldn’t tempt you.” The Jacobs family laughed again, but Kevin laughed the loudest.
“No, I don’t have a tie like that. But now that you mention it, I’ll be sure to pick one up in Olongapo from one of the million street vendors as soon as I get to the Philippines. We’re shipping out the day after tomorrow for a six-month Westpac. We shove off Saturday morning ten hundred hours.” He turned to Maria. “That means ten o’clock.”
Something deep inside Gina sunk to the floor with a thud. Kevin was leaving? So soon? The overwhelming sense of emptiness was instant and sharp. If he was anything, he was constant. He was reliable. He was always around. The thought of him not calling and not showing up on her apartment doorstep for six long months was terrible. She had always known that his company filled her lonely times, but she had not realized until now just how much she depended on it. She was surprised at how much the thought of his leaving saddened her, but she did her best to keep a poker face. It was better that she reveal no emotion, especially not to her family.
“But I thought you were going to be transferred to a shore job soon. Why are you leaving with the rest of the crew?” said Gina, as casually as she was able.
“I’ve known for more than a month that the Flint was leaving, but I thought I’d be transferred to a shore billet before it deployed. I learned last night that my C-O cancelled my shore transfer because we’re shorthanded in the shop. I have to ship out on Saturday with everyone else.”
“You like this sort of life? Being gone all the time?” asked Mrs. Jacobs.
Gina held her breath. She knew where this was leading.
“It has its pros and cons,” said Kevin. “I like traveling, but often when we’re out to sea I wish it weren’t quite so much travel. Six months is a long time. That’s why I don’t plan to make a life in the Navy. Next year when my enlistment is up, I’ll be out.”
“Then what?” asked Mrs. Jacobs.
“Then I plan to finish my degree on the GI Bill and get a job with the government.”
Mrs. Jacobs only nodded her head, which Gina thought was unusual for her mother, who normally had something to say about everything. She was, Gina knew, thinking his words over. Gina also knew she would get an earful of feedback later. But Kevin had answered well; she was grateful that there’d been no uncomfortable moments at the table. At least on the surface, she was having a pleasant twenty-first birthday. She hoped her painful history with her parents wouldn’t interfere and ruin this peaceful time of family fellowship. Kevin’s presence had the potential of upsetting a tenuous truce. But thus far things were going amazingly well. If they could just maintain the status quo …
While they finished their meal the Jacobs peppered him with questions about the places he expected to visit and shipboard life at sea, but Gina was quiet. Kevin was leaving. The next six months stretched out before her like Kansas farmland, miles and miles of same, flat nothingness. How would she get through six months without his phone calls and visits?
“It’s your birthday, Gina. Me and the girls will do the dishes, and then we’ll cut the cake. You two can go on if you like,” said Mrs. Jacobs.
Kevin thanked her for the meal and enthusiastically complimented her cooking. Mrs. Jacobs seem pleased at the praise.
“Let’s go sit in the living room until the cake is ready,” said Gina.
They carried their dishes to the kitchen counter and then sat down, side by side, on the blue-flowered couch in the Jacobs’ living room. They could hear the sound of water running and dishes being scraped in the kitchen on the other side of the wall. Gina was glad for a few minutes of privacy.
“I’m stunned that you’re leaving so soon. Are you ready to go?” she asked.
“There isn’t much to get ready. Most of my personal items, the ones I use every day, are already stored beneath my rack on the ship. I’ll be leaving a lot of civilian clothes behind with my dad, at the garage, and I’ll store my car at Hazel’s, too.”
“Is it hard to go off? I mean, so suddenly?” asked Gina.
“Yes and no. I love to travel. I’m glad for the opportunities the Navy gives me in that regard. But to be honest, I’m not as excited as I was the first time we shipped out. That was five years ago, on the Shasta. I’d never been away from home. In fact I’d never set foot outside the country. Any place the ship took us the first time was exciting when I was eighteen.”
“What’s different now?” said Gina.
“Now? Now I’m leaving someone behind whom I love very much.” He turned his body a little more toward her. “Just that thought already makes the loneliness lonelier.” He grasped her hand and looked into her eyes. “Are you going to miss me?”
She was quiet for a moment as she searched for the perfect words to express what she was feeling. “I’ll miss your company, yes. I’ll certainly miss talking to you on the phone. I’ll miss going places with you, too. I’ll have a lot of empty time to fill up after you leave.” As she spoke, it struck her that this was not the right answer. It wasn’t the unequivocal “yes” that he longed to hear. Why couldn’t she bring herself to say it?
“Don’t fill it up with someone else while I’m gone.”
“You’re the closest friend I have, Kevin.”
“How close?”
“Close.”
“How close?”
He didn’t remove his eyes from hers. He was being unusually serious. Maybe he was setting her up for another joke. If not, what was he getting at?
“You’re my best friend, Kevin. Here, I’ll prove it,” and she crossed her heart with her fingers, oath-like, and said solemnly, “I’ll even miss your puns.”
They shared a chuckle, after which they sat in silence a minute, Kevin still holding her hand while Gina tried to imagine how she would get through the next six months without Kevin around. She’d gotten into the habit of bouncing ideas off of him. He was the first person who came to mind when she had a bit of interesting news to share or a story to tell. Who would she call to discuss things with now that he was leaving? Bonnie certainly couldn’t fill Kevin’s shoes, and she rarely thought about Michael these days. And when she did, it was only for an instant and without the stinging pain that accompanied her around campus last fall. Michael’s ghost couldn’t spook her anymore.
Had Kevin done that? Had Kevin replaced Michael in her heart? Or was she merely using Kevin, a convenient albeit temporary substitute to fill the hole that Michael had left?
“I have something for you, Gina.” Kevin put his hand into the pocket of his slacks and pulled out a small wrapped package, small enough to fit into the palm of his hand. It looked as though it had been professionally wrapped at a fine store.
“You remembered my birthday. That was sweet of you, Kevin.”
Kevin didn’t answer. Instead he got up from the couch and bent down on one knee in front of her, somewhat dramatically. Her heart leaped up and caught in her throat.
“Not your birthday.” He reached for her hand. “I love you, Gina. Will you marry me?”
Gina’s eyes went from his, to the package, to his hand on hers, to his ridiculous tie. He was proposing! He was actually proposing on bended knee! And her family was just on the other side of the wall in the kitchen! She worried that one of her sisters, or worse, either of her parents, would walk in on them. Why did Kevin always have to be so flashy? All drama and tradition and loud ties. And at her parents’ hom
e, no less. She didn’t doubt his seriousness, but she would have preferred a proposal without the threat of an audience. And especially without the corn.
“Kevin, please get up. Get up!”
“What?”
“No bended knee thing. Get up! Please!”
“What’s wrong?” He was still on one knee.
“You’re making me uncomfortable.”
“You don’t want to marry me?”
“I didn’t say that,” said Gina. “Please get back on the couch.”
Kevin got up and sat back down beside her. He still held the gift in his hand. “What’s wrong?” he said. He looked genuinely disturbed.
“Why do you always have to be so corny?”
“I wasn’t being corny.”
Gina instantly regretted her lack of tact. He was miffed. And why shouldn’t he be? She hadn’t even tried to measure her words. She’d merely said the uppermost thing in her mind.
“I don’t see anything funny about it,” continued Kevin. “If we get married, I’ll be the one to call the shots. It’s not all about you.”
“Kevin, don’t be upset.”
“I am upset.”
“Please, Kevin. I—“
“I gotta go. I’ll get my jacket myself.” He stood abruptly and turned toward the foyer.
His disgust was obvious. Gina had never been the target of his anger. She felt as if the beige carpet in her mother’s living room had been yanked out from beneath her. This hurt more than she ever thought it would.
“Kevin, please don’t go. You misunderstand.” She tried to keep her voice low because her family was nearby, but she could barely contain her panic.
“I don’t misunderstand. I understand completely. I’m going to say good-bye to your parents now. Thank you for dinner.”
He turned away from her and walked out of the room. She should get up. She should run after him. She should make him stop. But she couldn’t bring herself to get up from the couch. If her eyes met his she’d fall apart with her family there to witness the entire drama from a front row seat. From the kitchen she heard him thank her mother for the dinner, and then she heard murmurings of good-bye from her father in the family room off the kitchen. Too quickly she heard the screen door bang as he walked out the front door and then, in a moment, the miserable sound of the VW beetle whining down Cornell Drive.
Chapter Twenty-One
Concord Naval Weapons Station
“He didn’t stay for cake and ice cream,” said Mrs. Jacobs. She was wiping her hands on her apron as Gina walked into the kitchen. “He said he had to go. Is anything wrong?”
“No,” said Gina, “Nothing is wrong. Is the cake ready?”
Mrs. Jacobs studied Gina. “Are you sure there’s nothing wrong? It’s odd the way he left. Sort of abrupt-like.”
“Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine.” Gina’s words were controlled and cool, more from shock than lack of emotion. She knew her mother didn’t believe her, but if she started talking now the tears would soon follow. She had to get through the cake and ice cream ceremony without blubbering. She would go home to her quiet apartment and blubber there. “Likely he has lots to do before the ship pulls away. You heard him say he didn't get much notice.”
“Yes,” said Mrs. Jacobs, though her face screwed up with suspicion.
Gina knew her mother didn’t believe this excuse either, but she was determined that no one in her family would pull the real story from her. She pasted on a smile while her family sang Happy Birthday. The cake was expertly baked and her mother had bought her favorite ice cream, chocolate mint, but Gina hardly tasted the treats. For her family’s sake she put on a good show, thanking them heartily for the dinner and the gifts. By late afternoon she was saying her good-byes. She gave an extra big hug to Nina and her baby. She didn’t see them often enough.
“That’s a nice fella you got there,” said Mr. Jacobs as he gave her his trademark bear hug at the door.
Her father was not a man of many words, but Gina picked up on his meaning. She had underestimated her parents: they weren’t going to doom Kevin to live in Michael’s shadow as she feared. Kevin cast a tall shadow of his own. That was small consolation considering the mess she’d made, but it would have to do.
Finally the wrenching evening was over and Gina could go home. As she turned the key in her apartment doorknob, and even before she had fully stepped inside, her eyes were on the answering machine. The sultry red light stared back, unblinking.
“Did you think he’d phone after you called his proposal corny? You are such a jerk.” She spoke aloud into the emptiness of her apartment. Not a soul around, but she could hear a hundred ghostly voices echoing in her mind.
“Jerk, jerk, jerk,” they mocked.
#
"Something to drink with that patty melt?”
Gina took the beverage order, collected the customer’s menu, and headed for the kitchen to clip the meal order to the wheel. Another hectic Friday afternoon at Big Bick’s. Her six tables were full, so she couldn’t possibly wait on another customer, but that didn’t stop her from glancing repeatedly toward the entrance to the dining room to see if any of her favorites would darken the door. Burk was no longer on her list of favorites and, apparently, he’d dropped her from his list too. He never asked to be seated in her section anymore, but that was just as well. Every time he came in for lunch she was overcome with the memory of the New Year’s Eve debacle. She was mortified to think that at one time she had actually been attracted to him. She would never wish blindness on anyone, but she was hugely relieved to think that she’d never have to look into his eyes and see his disgust with her over that disastrous evening.
All afternoon she glanced toward the door of the restaurant, but Kevin never appeared. It would be like this for the next six months. Oh what pain, that thought! She had never longed so acutely to see his image at the door, as if wishing hard enough could conjure him up, standing there handsome and smiling, regal in his dress blues and snappy white hat. Friday afternoon was the time he most often got early liberty from the ship and drove the seventy-five miles to San Jose to track her down at the restaurant. If he didn’t show up this afternoon, likely he would not show up at all. The thought made her sick at heart. She had not realized how much she looked forward to his unexpected visits to Big Bick’s.
As she wiped down a table to prepare for the next customer, a new idea bubbled to the surface of her mind: more than just Kevin would push away from the Vallejo pier tomorrow morning. Her heart would push away too. Had Kevin replaced Michael in her heart?
Am I in love with Kevin?
Two years ago she had thought she knew what it meant to be in love. Michael was all flowers and fast cars and fancy restaurants. Michael was swooning and excitement and a fluttery heart. Michael fulfilled her expectations of the perfect man. He was her ideal.
But was that love? Could she have been in love with only an ideal?
Kevin was so different from Michael. He was patient and kind. He wasn’t proud and he never showed off. Michael always made sure that his family name or the name of his grandfather’s law practice fell into the conversation somewhere, even if just indirectly, but Kevin had nothing to prove. He was what he was. He even made fun of his plumbing work at times, though when Kevin made fun, it was truly funny, not just false modesty. Even though he’d lost it a bit when he’d showed up at her apartment the same time as Burk, it was a fact that, that very same evening, he had shown genuine concern for Burk’s welfare as he’d helped him into his car when they were stuck out on freezing Monterey Road. Kevin might get angry but he didn’t stay angry. Had he not forgiven her quickly after she had shamelessly dumped Bonnie’s kids on him? Gina had, for all practical purposes, tricked him into babysitting on a lovely Sunday afternoon, which he could have spent doing one of a dozen more interesting things than playing hide-and-seek with a preschooler and wiping up baby drool. Kevin had accepted her apology immediately, and he actually had the gra
ce to think the best of her intentions, though Gina knew better.
But Michael was still holding a grudge.
No one had ever encouraged her to seek her own happiness like Kevin. Michael mostly talked about Michael. Now that she thought about it, it was always about Michael: Michael’s education, Michael’s career, Michael’s family. She—not her parents—was the one who had lived in Michael’s shadow. He had towered over her in every area of her life. She would always be the adoring one had the relationship continued. Worse, Michael was content to maintain the status quo. At the first sign of trouble Michael had dumped her, but Kevin had pursued her, had persevered despite the obstacles of her broken heart and endless obsession with another man, not to mention her foolish infatuation with Burk. Kevin had never failed her. He cared about her. He looked out for her safety at her apartment and he was always concerned that her car was running well. Kevin had done all these things, even when she was discouraging his attentions.
Kevin was nothing like the man she had imagined she would fall in love with. But the more she thought about him, especially when she thought of not seeing him for six months, the more she realized she cared for him. He may not have been the picture of the man she thought would make her happy, but there was certainly nothing lacking about Kevin.
Maybe her expectations needed adjustment. Had she ever known her own heart? Could she trust it? Was it even possible for a young woman to know, really, what type of man would make her happy? Who could ever know themselves that well? Kevin was not Michael, but that was okay. She loved Kevin. She realized that now. And she didn’t want to lose him.
Gina’s lunch shift ended. But today, instead of following her normal routine of studying in the library followed by laps in Toso Pavilion, she hurried home to call Kevin. She was energized by a new sense of clarity and purpose: she had to call him and tell him how she felt, what she had discovered inside her heart. She found the slip of paper he’d given her weeks earlier with his phone number on the Flint. She dialed it hurriedly. The phone rang at least fifteen times. She was beginning to worry that she had dialed wrong when someone finally picked up.
The Lesson Page 27
