Keeping a diary
Every day after training and competition, I wrote in a diary. I did the same thing during the IVF process, a sort of written daily conversation with myself on the computer about what I was going through and how I was feeling. I never showed it to anyone (that’s not what it was for), but journalling was incredibly cathartic and gave me a routine to hang on to when it felt like my world was crumbling. Writing a bit of a rant to yourself every day isn’t for everyone, but it did me the world of good.
Online support
At first I thought that online chat rooms would be great forums where I could vent my feelings, but my experiences were pretty negative. The constant comparisons and uninformed advice led me down paths that were decidedly unhelpful.
I would go to Roshan saying, ‘There’s a doctor in France recommending a new wonder drug,’ or ‘This is what Debbie from Ohio says is wrong with me,’ or ‘Six-Months-Pregnant reckons we should implant on Day 3, not Day 5.’
And Roshan would respond, ‘Jacqui, you need to stop this. They are not you.’
Roshan was right, of course. All those quick-fix answers are seductive when you’re in a vulnerable state, but you can’t afford to blindly buy into it. You need to maintain a level of healthy objectivity and find a way to remove yourself from all that chatter with people you’ve never met.
Some women I’ve spoken to say that they found online forums comforting and useful sources of support as long as they didn’t let themselves get overloaded by the avalanche of information and emotion. Bonding with other members of a group can be affirming, but sometimes someone else’s disappointment is overwhelming and can send you into a spiral of negativity. Like in any interest group, you have to maintain a level of detachment and accept that you’ll encounter good and bad in each community.
Yoga and acupuncture
I owe a great deal to Western medicine, both through my sporting career and my IVF journey. But I’m also drawn to methods of healing that have been developed over hundreds or even thousands of years by cultures that are far removed from my Anglo-Saxon heritage. Through the years I’ve dabbled in meditation, therapeutic massage, traditional Chinese medicine and herbal medicine; however, there were two specific forms of therapy that I was particularly drawn to when I was undergoing IVF: yoga and acupuncture.
My girlfriend suggested yoga to me in my early days of trying to get pregnant. She knew what I’d put myself through with all my training and injuries and she thought that I needed to get my body right. Mario loved yoga. We started going to yoga classes together and both reaped the benefits.
Not many women are able to just drop everything and head off to a tiny village in southern Sri Lanka, but that’s exactly what I did. I attended a six-week teacher-training course. I was fortunate to be in that position: my work was flexible, I had no family responsibilities and I had a ridiculous stockpile of frequent flyer points from two decades of almost constant world travel!
There were twelve other women from all corners of the globe participating in the course and every one of them had different reasons for being there. When they asked me, I just said, ‘I’m here because my body needs restoration and I want to have a baby.’
It was far from resort conditions. My small room had no glass in the windows and a couple of times monkeys snuck through the broken wooden blinds and stole my gear! The food was simple and nourishing, the yoga was challenging and there was plenty of rest and reflection going on.
From the start it was established that my ‘ojas’ (loosely translated as my vigour or vitality) was all out of whack. I needed to restore the flow of energy, loosen up my muscles and open my hips and pelvis. The yoga teacher told me I’d been fighting with my body to keep it under control for competition; it was my challenge now to soften and let the outside in.
It took a while to adjust, but by the end I felt yoga helped me take some serious steps in preparing my mind and body for what was ahead.
Acupuncture also became a way of healing for me. I visited China many times while I was competing and enjoyed trying out some local therapies. At first the idea of someone pushing sharp, fine needles into various parts of my body totally freaked me out. A skilled acupuncturist will slide the needles in with such delicacy that you scarcely notice it’s happening. He or she will activate specific sites along what they call the body’s ‘meridians’, which will allow energy to flow more freely. I found acupuncture particularly effective in relaxing and unlocking tired and injured body parts. Whenever I was in Beijing, I took the opportunity to visit a local medicine and massage room not far from the airport. It was in the back streets in a very quiet suburban area that only locals would know about. I stumbled across the little clinic one winter evening when I was stretching my legs on a slow walk after a long flight from Helsinki. The rooms were dark, dingy and atmospheric – a bit like a movie set. It was great experiencing this traditional form of healing alongside the smiling, chattering locals and my body felt better for it.
In preparation for IVF, I found a traditional Chinese doctor whose rooms reminded me of the place I used to go to in Beijing. The doctor was gentle, calming and matter-of-fact. He was always very busy, often attending to six different patients at the same time. We’d all be in our little curtained-off cubicles and he’d zip in and out, adjusting the needles just so. There was one cubicle permanently free for unexpected sessions that could be slotted in at short notice. This is how I managed to see him straight after embryo transfers even though sometimes I gave him only a few hours’ forewarning.
I rarely spoke to the acupuncturist as there was never much opportunity for personal interaction, but I found a few things he said incredibly valuable. Using simple images, he told me that I should concentrate on ‘warming up my oven’ (uterus). When he first treated me, on examination he told me my uterus was a cold oven; it needed warming. He said that I needed to adjust my diet and that I needed to eat warm, comforting foods. I took his advice and cut out salads, citrus fruits, cold water and ice-creams. That visual concept of creating a warm comforting place to welcome an embryo was a helpful, hopeful addition to my IVF toolbox.
After Madeline was born I stopped seeing the traditional Chinese doctor because I was so busy and it was a long way to go to his practice on the other side of town. When I was preparing for the seventh transfer, I resolved to make time to fit in some acupuncture sessions. I found a place closer to home that was light, bright and very clinical. The acupuncturist knew a lot about IVF and did a proper consult and screening before she commenced treatment.
Once I became pregnant with the twins, I found acupuncture helped with the nausea I experienced in the early days. I’d had morning sickness with Madeline, but it was nothing like the savage nausea with two babies on board. I would literally crawl into her waiting room, heaving and retching, desperate for the relief that acupuncture provided.
The term ‘complementary medicine’ makes a lot of sense to me. If you discover a harmless complementary therapy that makes you feel happy and healthy, I say go for it!
16
Logistics
These days, when I do a presentation, I usually find an excuse to drop in something about my kids and the fact that they are all here because of IVF. I remember one of the first times I said it, a guy from the audience took me aside afterwards and whispered that both his children were conceived through IVF. It was like he was confessing something that he was ashamed of. He said that he and his wife hadn’t told anyone, not even the grandparents!
MARIO’S NICKNAME FOR ME IS Logistics (very romantic!) because I’m a scheduling nut. Planning a ten-week World Cup tour of ten countries is logistics, and planning a full work schedule around an IVF cycle is logistics. Let’s just say I’m pretty darn good at organising. As a couple, when we’re faced with a dizzying range of commitments to coordinate, Mario will say, ‘I think this falls under Logistics,’ which basically means ‘This is your department!’
We both knew that to be able to
cope well in the early days we had to have a good set-up for both the babies and for Madeline. The impact of the twins on our family was going to be enormous; planning for and being ready for hurdles and stresses would hopefully minimise tension and anxiety.
I needed to know Madeline was okay. She had to remain a huge focus. She had been our only focus for two years and four months; I didn’t want the birth of the twins to take away what she craved, needed and deserved. As a triplet with a brother just two years and two months older than me, I had the gift of hindsight. My brother really did suffer quite a lot when we came along. He went from being number one to an often-forgotten number four. Mum tells us stories of times he resented us, when he was jealous, and when he wished we weren’t born. It was a lot to take in for a little boy; in one day, he went from being an only child to the eldest sibling to three triplet girls who grabbed the attention of everyone. Everyone wanted to look at us, talk to us and play with us. Mum loved the attention and focus on the triplets, often not realising that David felt invisible. I did not want history to repeat itself. We had to make sure that Madeline felt loved, included, wanted and special. We had to make and create time just for her.
Having our nanny gave us space, time, rest, help, flexibility and options. You need all of those elements to stay sane, to stay together and to stay happy. Having a nanny was (and still is) an expensive solution to some of our logistical hurdles but what she gave us was invaluable. It’s no secret that 50 per cent of parents of multiples divorce in the first three years. That extra pair of hands was a safeguard for our relationship, for Madeline’s wellbeing, for my career and for both Mario’s and my sanity. I couldn’t possibly put a price on any of that. Having her allows all of us to function and perform at our best. As a parent, that’s all you want to do. You want to be at your best for your children.
Basically, the nanny was assigned to the twins. It had to be that way. Thomas and Grace didn’t yet know who mummy was; they just needed the very simple things – to be fed, kept warm and loved. Madeline needed more – she needed attention from Mummy and Daddy just like she had always had. The nanny helped me feed the twins, nappy them, bathe them and get them to bed. When that was all done, Mario and I could spend quality time with Madeline knowing that Thomas and Grace were under control. Obviously, Madeline still had to make some adjustments to having two newborns in the house but the impact was minimal.
Our nanny was nineteen years old when she started working with us. She was a competent and capable young woman with all the patience in the world. She has a calm and quiet nature and never got overwhelmed by the enormity or responsibility we placed on her. Often other mums would comment and want to compare nannies and babysitters. There was many an eyebrow raised when I described ours as a slim, beautiful blonde with all of the confidence in the world when it comes to caring for our children. Some would even say, ‘Why would you bring a good-looking young blonde into your home?’ Why? Because she is exceptional and she loves my kids. More importantly, my kids love her.
Another logistical necessity was that I needed to set up a bed in the nursery and sleep downstairs with the twins. The special rocking chair I had used when I was feeding Madeline became obsolete. I propped myself against the wall and set up a pillow system where I’d scoop them up one at a time to feed. Thomas was usually fussing for his food so I put him on first. Grace just had to wait her turn; she was much harder to feed and took some juggling to get it right. When I was in the hospital I had two nurses passing the babies to me while I got settled and comfortable. In the middle of the night at home, it was just me so I had to find a way of feeding that meant I could do it alone and feed them at the same time. Co-feeding meant that I would get more rest between feeds. If I fed separately, by the time I fed one then the other it would nearly be time to start again on the first baby. That just wasn’t an option for me.
Those first weeks at home learning to deal with two babies and a toddler were a huge challenge. Feeding the babies was a lengthy and painful process. For hours at night, I sat propped against a cold window so I could co-feed them, and during the day I sat on the couch for hours and hours in a hunched position so I could position my breasts at a height the babies could feed well from. Because Gracie was small and Thomas was big, trying to feed them both at once just didn’t work very well because Gracie needed piles of pillows and kept falling off the boob while Thomas was strong and demanding. No-one was very happy with the arrangement.
The hours of sitting meant that my bum would go numb and my back and neck would cramp from my awkward feeding position. On top of the cramping and discomfort, I had severe nipple soreness. They were raw! At one stage I had mastitis twice in two weeks, which was excruciating and compounded the tension. Oh boy, I was miserable. Some days, if the babies took longer than normal to feed and burp, I would add up the hours of being stuck in the feeding position; often it would be around eighteen hours a day.
I kept up breastfeeding for a few months and then realised that expressing milk was the way to go; that way, I could feed them one at a time or someone else could do it with me. My mum was encouraging and supportive about this. Her triplets were formula-fed from the beginning and we’d turned out happy and healthy. She could see that I was struggling with breastfeeding them both and that it was wearing me out. She told me there was no need to put myself through it, and eventually I agreed. She said, ‘You’re no good to anyone – particularly those babies – if you are tired and run down. Look after yourself so you can look after them.’
Those first twelve weeks were all a bit of a blur but the time went very quickly. Some nights I got five to six hours of sleep; some nights I’d get thirty minutes if I was lucky. I didn’t nap during the day and I kept up all my work commitments (I had started back at work when the twins were fifteen days old). This was a major contrast to my life as an athlete, when I took exceptionally good care of myself. For the better part of two decades, I ate well, exercised carefully and had loads of sleep. Now here I was suffering severe sleep deprivation, and yet I was coping okay. I was doing what I needed to do. I like to think that I stored all those years of good quality sleep in the bank, and it paid off when I had the twins!
In reality, I’m not sure how I managed it, other than the fact that being active and engaged keeps my mind off pain and tiredness. I set my goals high and focused on that. If I set my expectations low and napped all day, for example, I think I’d probably have fallen in a heap!
While I wanted the babies to stay tiny, I also wanted them to grow quickly. Madeline was always a great little sleeper. I remember her starting to sleep somewhere between nine to twelve hours a night when she was around ten weeks old. In the weeks after I got out of hospital with the twins, I focused on a sleep goal for the babies at twelve weeks old. I am a bit of a sleep Nazi and a huge fan of getting all of my children to self-settle. It’s tough to ignore the cry of your own child but they do learn to settle; you just have to give them the time to learn that skill.
Grace had been on board from the beginning. She was a good sleeper and I always had to wake her for her feed; Thomas would be ready to feed. I needed to feed them both at the same time so I could get some proper sleep. One night I decided I’d just leave Grace and see what happened. She slept through till morning.
Thomas was a very restless baby. He had gastric reflux, as well as a problem with enlarged adenoids, and he would snuffle a lot and wake up frequently. Eventually we moved him into another room so he wouldn’t disturb Grace and from then on things improved. During the difficult, sleepless nights as I went back and forth between them, I sustained myself with the thought that we were one night closer to a full night’s sleep. Every day it got easier because I knew there was an end in sight.
At the same time, I kept reminding myself that this was what I signed up for. I’d dreamed of having these babies and here they were – I was living the dream!
Kids don’t come with instruction manuals and all of them are different; even wh
en they are twins, they are different. We had a very steep learning curve with Madeline. We found ourselves with a little girl who had major health issues before she was even two years old. For more than a year, she was vomiting daily, she was underweight and she was failing to thrive; nobody knew what was wrong. The week before Thomas and Grace were born, we were seeing her allergist (Madeline has anaphylaxis to peanuts and other allergies) and the doctor said that, based on Madeline’s appearance, she thought she had coeliac disease and that could be the reason behind her ill health. She was spot on. A phone call to the hospital the day after the twins were born confirmed that our little girl did have coeliac disease. What a crazy twenty-four hours; I had two new babies and now a toddler with a lifelong disease that would need education, management and a strict diet. We had a full plate.
Those small babies are now running around, and Madeline is happy, healthy and gluten free. She is loving kindergarten, and I am loving watching her grow up right in front of my eyes. I don’t want to miss a minute of them – not Madeline, not Thomas and not Grace.
The days are increasingly hectic and I’m incredibly fortunate to have our gorgeous nanny to help me. On weekdays we tag team, swapping care of the twins and Madeline, and on the weekends I do the same thing with Mario. I continue to do many corporate presentations, nationally and internationally. Although I miss the children when I have to travel, I value my kid-free time because it helps to restore a bit of personal balance.
As for Mario and me, with our crazy schedules it sometimes feels like we’re ships in the night, but we strive to ensure that at least one of us is with the children at all times and to also carve out couple time whenever we can. Our nanny is an invaluable presence in our lives (everyone needs one like her), and we’ve got great family support and backup when we need. As the kids get older, the physical challenges of caring for them will decrease and other challenges will take over: school, socialising and the whole rainbow of kid-focused learning and activities.
Frozen Hope Page 16
