by Marian Tee
1. A portmanteau of the Japanese words ‘goudo’ (mixed) and ‘konpa’ (informal party).
2. A group date in which an equal number of men and women meet; activities often include karaoke, a whole lot of drinking, and maybe even a kissing game.
“I know that look on your face, Mom.” Kelly has been looking for me for some time now, and I finally break the silence, hoping it can at least reduce the tension in my room.
It doesn’t.
“You’re thinking I’m following after your workaholic footsteps, aren’t you?” It’s a little insider joke – everyone in the family knows I take after Jason more than her – but like most of my jokes, they fall flat and Kelly’s face remains unsmiling. I’d have thought any kind of distraction would make things better at this point, but when the heartbeat monitor suddenly lets out a large beep, I realize I’m wrong. Tense silence is so much better than that. Anything is better than that blatant reminder of how wrong---
“I can’t put this off any longer, Kat. We need to talk about what happened.” Kelly’s voice is soft, but the look on her face says it all. It’s the exact same look she and Jason wore when Dr. Evans told them I had to be confined for at least three days. The official diagnosis is anemia and overfatigue, but everyone in the family knows that the unspoken ugly truth is---
“You’re still a kid. You know there are some things that are out of your control, right?”
That.
“I miscalculated,” I mumble. “It won’t happen again.”
Kelly doesn’t speak. Like all loving mothers, she doesn’t have the heart to call her daughter a liar to her face.
Three months ago, my parents had to rush me to the ER for a panic attack, and though I didn’t have to stay in the hospital, they had warned me that I was overdoing it. Even Yuki had pleaded with me not to overdo it, and to make them happy, I had promised them I wouldn’t overdo it.
And yet here we are.
My heart starts to pound when she slowly sits at the edge of my bed. I just know she’s going to say something I don’t want to hear, but it’s also something I’m powerless to stop.
“Baby.” Kelly’s voice suddenly cracks, and the sound tears me apart. “This isn’t the way to love a person. You can love a person without loving yourself less.”
My fingers start crumpling the edges of the sheets.
“You’re a smart girl. You must know that---”
“I do.”
“Then why is it that the things you’re doing are making me think it’s the opposite?”
I don’t answer. I can’t. The way she’s asking me is like she wants me to choose---
And I’m scared.
I’m scared if she keeps pushing, she’ll realize I’ve already made my choice.
“I don’t want you to hate me, baby.”
My world starts to collapse, and I whisper brokenly, “I can never hate you, Mom.”
“Maybe not now, but if this continues, I can’t just stand by and let you kill yourself---”
I flinch at her words. “It’s not like that---”
“It is!” The words are almost a scream. It shocks me, but worse than that, hearing herself scream at me makes Kelly’s face crumple.
Oh, Mom.
But it’s too late.
I’ve already made her cry.
“I’m s-sorry, Mom.” Kelly pulls me into her arms. “I’m s-so s-sorry.” And now I’m weeping like the stupid, foolish kid I really am. “I d-didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”
“I know, baby.”
“I j-just want it the way it used to be. Why d-did things have to change? It’s n-not fair.”
“It truly isn’t.” Kelly pulls away to give me a tremulous smile. “But you also knew that from the start, didn’t you?” She raises one trembling hand to wipe my tears, and her touch is so tender it breaks my heart anew.
“M-Mom.”
“I’m listening, baby.”
But I’m crying too hard I can no longer speak. And when she hugs me, I realize I don’t have to. She knew all along what was inside my heart, heard the words I wanted to say but hadn’t been able to.
I’m scared.
I’m so scared, Mom.
So bloody scared.
I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose him.
So, confession: I do crazy things when I’m hurt. The first time Yuki and I broke up, I sort of, kind of, went into this bad-girl phase where I drank a lot and dry-humped practically every guy in school. The second time we broke up, I ended up in a hospital. The third and final time, I got a tattoo without telling anyone.
And now, here we are again. Three years have passed, and he still has the power to make me do crazy things – like signing up randomly for a college-sponsored gaijin goukon. He really is the Ursula to my Ariel, but I’m determined to change that starting now.
I’m going to find another guy and complete the moving-on process, blast it.
Squaring my shoulders, I open the door to the karaoke room that’s listed as our meeting place, ready to do battle and find my Mr. Right---
Oh, shite.
“Welcome!” The cheers, laughter, and hooting are all coming from the Jacuzzi. Yes, a Jacuzzi. A bloody Jacuzzi inside a karaoke room. Tokyo, my love - you slay me. You really do.
A girl in a black bikini ascends the steps of the pool like Venus rising from the sea, and honestly, she does look like it, too. Her curves make the old Coca-Cola bottle look like a test tube, and her hair’s the most amazing shade of auburn.
“Hello, fellow gaijin.” The latter means ‘foreigner,’ which this dating party is exclusive to. “I’m Nina,” she continues cheerfully. “And you must be Katerina, right?”
I’m startled. “How did you know?”
Nina laughs. “Because you’re the last one to arrive, darling.” She points to one of the doors in the corner, saying, “That’s the changing room. There are new swimsuits you can choose from. You’ll just have to pay for it when we check out. But as you can see with the others---” She nods towards the Jacuzzi, and that’s when I notice how some of the girls are only in their underwear.
“Oh.”
Nina laughs again. “I guess you can say that.” She gestures to the bar on the other counter. “Want to grab a drink first?” When she sees me hesitate, she asks, “Is this your first time at a goukon?”
“It is, but…” I bite my lip. It’s becoming clearer to me by the second that I’ve really done it this time. “I know what you’re thinking. People are expected to drink in a goukon, and I’d ruin the whole atmosphere if I refuse to drink.”
Nina flashes a relieved smile. “I’m glad you get it.”
I return her smile weakly.
This is going to be bad.
Four shots and thirty minutes later, and I’m piss drunk, laughing and crying in the Jacuzzi while singing my heart out to Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On. Everyone’s cheering for me, thinking I’m going all out to score 100, but it’s not that. It was never that. With every word I belt out, I’m praying to the heavens---
I want to make sure that my heart will go on, blast it.
Because I’m so, so tired of hurting.
The song ends, the drumroll starts, and everyone screams wildly when I get a perfect score.
Someone hands me another shot, and I toss it back in one gulp.
More cheering, more dancing, more laughter.
It should make me feel alive, but I’ve never felt so dead.
Wading away from the crowd as a couple takes their turn with the mic for a duet, I lean back against the wall of the Jacuzzi and stare up at the ceiling. Neon streaks of light bounce against it before dancing on the tiled walls of the room. They’re dazzling and strangely hypnotic, and as they zigzag around me, I start to float.
The past and present begin to merge in my mind.
The Jacuzzi is in the hospital room, and instead of all of these drunken strangers around me, I have…Yuki.
He’s looking down at me, and I smile up
at him dreamily. I love you.
His beautiful lips move to form the very same words. I love you.
Promise you won’t leave me again?
If you promise you won’t let this happen again.
I will. I promise. I’ll be a good girl. It’s just that I love you so much.
And I love you, too. Always.
Kiss me?
“Sure.”
But the voice uttering the word isn’t Yuki’s. It’s rough and slurred, not at all elegant like the voice of the boy I loved. My eyes fly open just in time to see another guy’s mouth coming down on me.
I shove him away with a gasp. “No!” But the noise in the room drowns out the sound, and when I gaze about me wildly, I realize that Nina’s nowhere to be found and everyone else seems drunk.
The guy who just tried to kiss me shakes his head, blinking at me owlishly. “What the hell? You told me to kiss you.”
I pale. “I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else---”
“Are you fucking kidding me? There’s no one else you could be talking to.” And then he starts to grin. “Oh, now I get it. This is an American thing, isn’t it? You want us to do some kind of role play?”
“Excuse me?” How is that even an American thing?
He starts inching towards me again, leering, “That’s hot, baby. I’m really digging it. You play the innocent victim really well. And don’t you worry, I’ve got what it takes to fuck you up.”
I believe him. His words have already fucked me up, to the point that I feel like throwing up at the sight of him. “You have this all wrong,” I stammer.
The guy laughs. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever you say, babe.” And then he lunges at me, and my head starts to spin as I try to struggle against the sudden weight of his body shoving my back against the wall of the Jacuzzi. I let out a cry as his hands lock my wrists behind me, but with everyone around us too busy singing, drinking, and making out, the sound is lost in the rest of the cacophony inside the room.
I start to scream, but it’s too late, and the man’s wet mouth crashes down on me.
My eyes sting with helpless tears. I thrash against him even as I start to choke in panic.
This can’t be happening. This can’t be. Oh my God, this isn’t---
In the distance, I hear the sound of the door banging open---
And then I’m being hauled out of the man’s hold.
When I open my eyes, I immediately know I’m hallucinating.
I have to be hallucinating.
I have to be.
Because there’s no way it’s Yuki I’m staring at, no way it could be Yuki holding me so tightly in his arms.
“Are you alright?” he rasps out.
Yes. I’m definitely hallucinating. There’s no way Yuki could be speaking to me like that either, no way he could be speaking to me like he actually cared. He as good as told me earlier that I could fuck off, didn’t he? So no, this can’t be him---
Yuki places my wet, shivering body on the leather couch. “Please answer me, senpai.” His voice is hoarse and strained. “Are you okay? Did he hurt you?”
I slowly shake my head.
“Did he do anything to you?”
“He must have,” I whisper.
Yuki blanches.
“Because you’re here and you’re not real.”
For a moment, there’s nothing, only Yuki staring at me---
And then he’s crushing me back into his embrace. “Don’t fucking scare me like that.”
The numbing pain in my head worsens. Definitely a hallucination, I think dazedly. Not only does this imaginary Yuki sound like he cared, the shudder that racks his body as he pulls me closer to him is even more incredulous. It’s almost like he’s weak with relief at the thought I’m okay---
Impossible.
And to prove myself right, I slowly reach out to touch him, the tips of my fingers gingerly grazing his side.
The heat of his body seeps through me---
Hot.
Too Hot.
Only someone real can be this hot.
The realization makes me jerk, but his arms tighten around me, preventing me from moving away, and my dazed gaze flies up to him. “Y-Yuki?” My head is reeling, and I feel like I’m about to throw up and faint at the same time.
He pulls back.
“You’re really here?”
“Yes.” His nod is clipped.
I look around us, and that’s only when I realize how silent and empty the whole place is. Except for Nina, everyone else is gone, even the guy who tried to force himself on me---
Memories flash in my mind.
No!
I don’t want to remember, but still they pour in, poisoning my thoughts, and every second of it is frightening.
Sickening.
Yuki’s jaw clenches. “Hikano-san.”
A moment later, Nina approaches us, and I realize Yuki’s addressed her by her surname. “Is there a robe here that---” There’s a telltale pause. “Chariot-san can use?”
I close my eyes. If I needed any more proof that this is real, then that’s it. Locals only allow themselves to call another person by their first name if it’s someone they’ve known for years or someone they’re close to, like a girlfriend – or an ex-girlfriend. But I guess I don’t even qualify for that since he just GOTYE’d me.
“Yes. I think so.” Nina’s voice is shaken. “I’ll get it now and---” Nina turns to me with a look of guilt and regret. “I’m so sorry about this, Katerina.”
“Nina, no---” I’m miserable and horrified that she could blame herself for what happened. “It’s not your fault---”
“I should never have left you alone. I had a feeling from the start…” She shakes her head. “I’m just really sorry.” She swallows hard. “Anyway, let me get you a robe. The sooner you can leave this place, the better.”
I stare at her retreating back. I’ve done it again. It’s started all over again.
And when I look up at Yuki’s face, I see the same thing.
“You think I’m too weak, don’t you?” I ask dully.
Yuki’s arms abruptly loosen at my words. “I didn’t say anything.”
“You didn’t have to. I can see it in your eyes.” I hate the way my voice has suddenly started shaking like an earthquake’s just struck my throat, but I can’t help it. Ursula to my Ariel, remember? And I have a feeling that any moment now I’ll be bawling and he’d have succeeded in making it impossible for me to speak.
“Do you, really?” Yuki’s lips curve humorlessly as he rises to his feet and looks down at me. “Do you really think you still know me so well after all these years?”
I suck my breath. Guess that’s another thing about him that hasn’t changed. He always did know which words could kill you in a second.
“Can you just tell me why?” I ask tonelessly. “Why are you being such a jerk when I’m willing to forgive you---”
“I don’t recall asking you to forgive me---”
“Then stop doing nice things for me!” My voice rises drastically, causing Nina to come to an anxious halt by the open doorway of the changing room. If I have one ounce of self-respect left, I know I should just leave it at that and not have anyone else witness my breakdown.
But like I said: I do crazy things when I’m hurt.
In a blink of an eye, I’ve lunged towards Yuki, trying to scratch his face---
Nina lets out a shocked gasp as we fall back into the Jacuzzi.
“Stop it,” Yuki growls.
But I don’t.
“It’s your fault!”
I can’t.
“Stop this---”
And so I keep trying to scratch his face, his neck – anything I can reach. I just want him wallowing in the same pain I’ve been drowning in the past three years.
Yuki’s face grows grimmer as he evades my clawing fingers. “Stop it---”
“Then stop messing me up! Stop confusing me!” The hysterical note in my voice is a
ppalling, and it makes me want to lash out at him more. “You s-say you want me out of your life, but then you’re always there when I need you!” I beat his chest as hard as I can, but it doesn’t even make Yuki flinch. I hit him again and again, but we both know I’m hurting myself more than him. “Say something!”
Yuki’s expression remains stony.
“Say something, damn you!” And before I know what I’m doing, my hand has already connected with his face in a resounding slap, and his head snaps to the other side. The sound is awful, more so when I catch sight of Nina’s dismayed expression. It hauls me back to my senses---
I’ve slapped Yuki.
My gaze swerves back to Yuki. I want to apologize, but only a choking sound emerges from my throat, and out of nowhere the tears come---
His eyes darken, and I realize he knows just as I do that it’s happening again. “Calm down,” he grits out.
But it’s too late. The tears are endless. The pain is infinite. And my ability to breathe has disappeared.
From what seemed like a great distance, I hear Yuki barking out orders to Nina. I hear the words ‘panic attack,’ and when I see her dash out of the room, I know that’s it for me.
I’ve messed up again.
I’ve messed up.
I’VE MESSED UP.
And Yuki will never come back to me because I’m just like before, a brick around his neck---
My chest squeezes hard, and I desperately gasp for breath.
“Calm yourself, senpai.” Yuki’s voice is low and fierce.
I want to, but I can’t. I just can’t. The pain is eating me alive.
Agitation flashes in his gaze. “Please.”
But I can only stare at him.
“Goddammit, senpai.” He suddenly reaches for me, and my body jerks as I feel his hand over my heart. “Please calm down.” He presses his hand harder to my chest. “Please. For me---”
My eyes jerk up to his, and Yuki doesn’t look away.
“You heard me, senpai. Do it for me. Because if you’re not going to breathe---” His jaw clenches. “If you don’t let yourself breathe – I won’t be able to breathe either.”
His hand presses harder against my heart. “So breathe for me, senpai. Please.”
Please breathe for me.
Breathe for me.
