by Marian Tee
Yuki shoves his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans. “You saw me with another girl.”
“Got it in one.” I copy his movement to the letter, my hands burrowing deep into the pockets of my cardigan. It’s a very good way to hide the telltale shaking of one’s hands, and mine certainly are, after hearing another girl’s name on his lips.
“She’s not what you think,” Yuki mutters.
“She’s…not?” I gaze at him searchingly, but Yuki’s own eyes are veiled, and I’m left mentally fumbling.
Yuki rakes a hand through his hair. “It’s complicated.”
“Then make me understand.”
“You can’t. Or you probably won’t.”
“What does that even mean?” I blurt out. “Where does that leave me?” But Yuki doesn’t say a word, and I take a deep shuddering breath.
What now?
I slowly turn my back on Yuki.
But the moment I take a step, I hear him say from behind, “That’s it, then?”
I keep walking.
“Is that all it takes to make you give up?”
Umm.
Well.
I stop and turn around to face him again. “That kinda sounds like…you don’t want me to give up?”
A stunned expression falls over Yuki’s handsome face, but then he grimaces---
Oh, Yuki.
You love me.
You still love me.
Even if you don’t want to admit it, you love me the way I love you.
I quickly turn away, not wanting Yuki to see the way my lips have started to tremble. Heading back to the ema board, I say over my shoulder, “For the record, and I swear this on my future grave, I was just going to get myself another ema. I was thinking I needed to write to the gods because there’s this stubborn, foolish boy who seems to think keeping secrets and being seen with another girl is enough to push me away. I’m hoping the gods would give him wisdom and make him realize it’s not going to work.”
By the time Yuki reaches my side, I’m done writing my wish on the back of my second ema. He takes it from my hand and hangs it himself. But when he pulls his wallet out, I shake my head. “I don’t think it’s right for them to grant my wish if it’s not my money.”
“As you will.” Yuki steps back and I drop a 500-yen coin to the donation box. But when I move away, I’m startled when he walks past me and does the same.
Turning back to face me, he says oh so casually, “I figured another 500 yen would help.”
My stupid lips start trembling again.
“Since the boy you were talking about can be unbelievably stubborn.”
“Y-you have a point.” My eyes have become hatefully blurry and when he offers his hand to me, I’m unable to see at all.
Unfair, you’re too unfair, Yuki. I want to take things one at a time, but you make me feel so greedy.
I feel his fingers slip between mine.
And the floodgates burst open.
I duck my head, mortified by my breakdown. “I’m sorry,” I mumble between sniffles. “It’s only that I really, really missed you holding my hand.” My nose starts to run, and I fumble for my pack of tissues inside my purse.
“Let me help you.” Yuki lets go of my hand to snatch the tissue from my grasp.
Realizing what he means, I turn red and wail, “No!”
But he’s already holding the tissue to my nose.
I stubbornly shake my head. “No.”
“Blow,” he says pleasantly, “or I won’t hold your hand again.”
It’s an effective threat, and I’m soon blowing my nose on the tissue he’s holding to my face. It’s equal parts cute and gross, which I suspect is what Yuki likes about it. He’s always been a terribly sweet guy, but he absolutely hates it when I say so.
Yuki insists on throwing the tissue away when I’m done, yet another mortifying but sweet thing to do. When he walks back to my side, he sees my still-red face and laughs. “It’s not like this is the first time I did this for you.”
I’m unable to answer right away, my head still reeling at the sound of his laughter. It’s been so long. So, so long, and, oh, it’s like having an earthquake in my mouth, and my lips have again started trembling like they’re about to fall off.
When Yuki suddenly peers down at me, I try to look away, but he’s faster, and his fingers cup my chin as he forces me to look at him.
“Just because I look like I want to cry doesn’t mean I’m weak,” I say defensively.
Silence.
“I’m just happy,” I snarl. “Okay?”
Yuki straightens. “I was only checking if you needed to blow your nose again.”
The words are completely unexpected, but they’re also exactly what needed to be said. I burst into laughter, and even Yuki’s lips curve into the slightest of smiles.
“You’re such a bully,” I tell him with a shake of my head.
Yuki smirks. “That sounds suspiciously like a compliment.”
Oh! I realize it’s exactly as he says, and my face flames anew even as my heart starts ba-thumping really, really hard. It’s just like how it used to be between us, and a hundred questions race to my mind, begging to be asked. Are we okay now? Can I start hoping? Is this our second chance?
I’m dying to ask any and all of them, but I’ve yet to open my mouth when Yuki murmurs, “Let’s just take things slow, mm?” He doesn’t look at me when I speak, and I almost feel hurt. I probably would have if not for his fingers twining with mine. And when I glance down at it, I hear him say over my head, “Don’t overthink things.”
Ah. I’ve always thought it uncanny, the way he can so easily read my thoughts, and the fact that part of him hasn’t changed---
His fingers tighten around mine. “Ii desu ka?” Is that alright?
I don’t answer right away, hearing the silent conditions that come with his words. No questions, no labels, no commitments. He’s basically asking me to give him everything without promising a single thing.
“I just have one question,” I say finally.
Yuki doesn’t seem surprised. “She’s not my girlfriend, and we’re not dating. There’s nothing about her that should worry you.”
I know I should be satisfied with his answer, but I guess I need to offer more prayers to the gods. I’m no less greedy than before, and before I can stop myself the words are already out. “What about before? Did you and two really---”
His eyes bore through me. “What do you think?”
Relief floods me when I realize what his words mean. They haven’t shagged. Ever. It’s more than I ever let myself hope, and I want to cry again. I still want to ask so many things about the other girl, but none of them is really as important as what Yuki’s just revealed.
And it’s that he was always mine, even when we were apart.
“Thank you,” I say tremulously. “And as for taking things slow---” I raise myself on my toes.
His eyes narrow on me in warning. “No.” He quickly lets go of my hand, but it’s too late. “Don’t---”
“I’m just answering your question the only way I know how,” I whisper.
And then I kiss him.
Word of the Day: Mune-Kyun, n
A portmanteau of the Japanese words ‘mune’ (chest) and ‘kyun’ (the sound of a heart beating)
2. A term used in shoujo manga to emphasize certain scenes or lines that made a character’s heart race.
Yuki’s lips are as soft as I remembered, but they’re also much colder and stiffer. It’s like kissing a corpse. I close my eyes and brush my lips against his one more time. “Please, Yuki.” It’s a shameless plea, but I’m way past caring. This is the only boy I’ve ever loved, and I missed his kisses like I missed breathing. “Please.” It takes a while, but the magic word eventually works the way it always does, the way it always will…between two people who love each other.
His hands move up to cup my face, and I hold my breath. His lips start to move, and my heart st
arts racing. Another moment passes, and then he’s giving us both what our bodies and souls crave.
Yuki’s kissing me.
My eyes squeeze shut in an instance of instinctive fear, but the dream doesn’t fade. It’s tangible, concrete – real. The softness of his lips, the heat of his kiss – it’s all so beautifully real, and when his lips coax mine to part, I taste it, too. The sweetness of it, this kiss that I’ve dreamt of, craved, and waited for such a long time.
They’re all so real, and I would’ve cried if I could, but the rawness of his kiss doesn’t allow for any tears. The moment his tongue slips inside my mouth, everything else ceases to matter. I sense other people coming up to the shrine, their gazes on us. I hear the birds chirping from the trees and the faint noise of the city outside the low walls of the shrine. The world hasn’t stopped turning just because we kissed, and I know this. I know, but it’s just not enough to make me care, just not enough to stop the throbbing desire that’s completely consumed me from the inside.
My hands move on its own, shaping over the hard slope of his shoulders as Yuki’s tongue delves deeper into my mouth. It gives me something to cling to, but it’s not enough. He starts to suck on my tongue, and my nails dig into the panes of his back. My head starts to swim, and my body presses closer on its own volition, my breasts swelling against the hardness of his chest---
And then it’s over.
Yuki is suddenly several feet away from me.
Ninja god.
His blue eyes are blazing, and he’s breathing hard. He’s the picture of arousal, and just looking at him makes my mouth dry.
Sex god.
Have you ever tried to imagine how an angel would look if one were caught in the throes of lust? It’s the most forbiddingly sensual thing, and I know this because it’s how Yuki looks now.
My god.
“Stop staring at me,” he mutters.
“I’m t-trying,” I stammer, “but I can’t.” He’s so unbearably sexy, just looking at him feels like a sin. But like the most sinful things in the world, it’s impossible to resist, and I can’t take my eyes off him.
“God, you’re still stubborn.” Yuki walks back to my side and grab my hand.
We start walking, but for the first few minutes it’s more like a master leading his puppet. I’m distracted and overwhelmed by the fact that he’s holding my hand again.
“You’re too quiet,” he says after a while.
“I’m trying not to overthink,” I confess.
There’s a pause, and then Yuki releases a low, sexy chuckle. The sound is painfully familiar, and I have the silliest urge to capture it with my bare hands. I used to hear it all the time, and I never thought I’d lose the right to listen to it. Now that I know better, I don’t ever want to take it for granted again.
“How about an early lunch?” Yuki suddenly asks. “I know just the place, if you have time---”
“I have time!”
Yuki looks slightly taken aback at the speed of my reply, and I smile weakly. The truth is, I simply didn’t want to give him a chance to change his mind.
“Great then,” he says finally. “It’s just a short walk from here.”
Ten minutes later, and we’re at a rather famous ramen chain, and I can’t help gazing at his face searchingly again, wondering if the reason he brought me here is---
His blue eyes gleam down at me. “One of your manga scenes was set here, wasn’t it?”
Oh my God, it is what I think!
“You remembered,” I choke out. “I can’t believe you remember.”
He hesitates then says quietly, “I never forgot a single thing about you.”
Ah. There he goes again. If this continues, he’d probably set a record for giving a girl stomach cramps the most number of times in a single day.
Before going to our seats, Yuki and I have to place our orders at a vendo. But since it’s my first time, I feel nervous about making the wrong selection, and my fingers hover indecisively over the buttons.
“Nervous?” he asks.
I nod.
“Let me help you.” It’s all the warning I get before Yuki puts his arms around me from behind.
I freeze in shock.
But Yuki doesn’t seem to notice. “You need to place your money here…” His hard body presses closer to mine as he takes hold of my hand and helps me slot in a 1000 yen note. “Next, you make a selection from these…” By the time Yuki’s impromptu demo ends, my entire body is trembling, and I practically collapse when we get to our seats. Since the ramen place is fairly small, privacy dividers are provided for every seat at the counter. I’m grateful for it; I badly need time to recover. Yuki might have thought nothing about such contact, but every little thing he does is---
The privacy divider between us starts to folds close.
What? You can do that?
Yuki’s handsome grinning face is suddenly in front of me.
Oh!
It instantly becomes clear to me that he knew exactly what he was doing earlier and how it was making me feel.
I glower at him. “You---”
His hand curving around my nape, Yuki cuts me off with a kiss, and naturally I forget everything. It’s only when I dimly hear the window of my cubicle rolling up that I remember we’re at a public place, and I quickly break away, face flaming.
But it’s too late, and the waiter behind the window is smirking as he hands me my order.
The moment the window falls shut again, I turn to Yuki, wailing, “He knows.”
But Yuki only shrugs. “Then there’s no reason not to do it again, is there?”
What? No! Wait!
The words, however, end up only existing in my mind as Yuki once again covers my mouth with his. By the time we left, I think I had more of Yuki’s kisses than ramen, and I can’t quite meet any of the staff’s eyes when we leave. But the moment we’re back in the street, I immediately turn to him and punch his shoulder. “Arse!”
But Yuki only laughs and steals another kiss, and it’s so much just like how we used to be I want to beg time to stop. Please just stop moving and let this moment last forever.
When we’re just a block away from school, we start seeing familiar faces around us, and I belatedly remember we’re still holding hands. I try to tug my fingers out of his hold, but Yuki’s grip only tightens.
I think about reminding him that people are bound to misunderstand, but eventually – and yes, selfishly – decide against it. If he thinks holding my hand in front of the entire school is taking things slowly, who am I to argue?
Yuki walks me all the way back to my dorm, and I can’t help grinning when he knows what my room number is without asking. A moment later, the same thing seems to dawn on him, and I giggle when dark color stains his cheeks.
“Who’s the stalker now?” I tease. “Is this how you also knew I was in Seiji’s Mecha class?”
“Are you complaining?” he asks silkily. “Because I can just as easily mind my own business and forget you exist---”
“I was just kidding,” I say hastily.
“I’m not sure I’m convinced,” Yuki drawls. “I don’t like being labeled a stalker, so maybe I need to leave you alone---”
“I said I was kidding,” I grumble. “Can’t you take a joke?”
“That’s the second insult you’ve thrown at me in the past five minutes. First I’m a stalker, now I’m a man without a sense of humor?” His blue eyes glint. “I think …” His voice lowers a notch. “Someone needs to be punished.”
Five words. Five seconds.
That’s all it takes.
And I’m so bloody wet I’m honestly worried it might leave a dark stain on my pants.
“What do you think,” Yuki’s voice is husky. “Should I punish her?”
“Yes,” I breathe. “Punish me. I mean, her.”
He smirks. “Here?” He takes a step closer. “Now?” His head starts to lower, and my eyes automatically close.
Aaaa
ah.
I’m going to get punished.
And I can’t wait---
But nothing happens. When I open my eyes, he’s grinning down at me. “Were you expecting something?”
Argh!
I whirl away in a fit of frustration, but Yuki laughingly hauls me back to him, and I gasp as I fall against him.
“Do you want me to punish you that badly?” he purrs.
What do you think of me? I would never! How could you even say such a thing? Those are the words I should say. Unfortunately, none of them is true. In the end, all I hear myself say is, “Yes.” It’s utterly shameless, but as it always is with this boy, I’m way, way past caring.
Yuki’s head starts to lower again, and I tense even as I tell myself not to expect anything. He could be bluffing me again---
His tongue licks my ear.
AAH!
“After your last class, senpai. I’ll punish you just the way you like it.”
And then he’s gone.
I manage to hold on to my composure long enough to close the door, but the moment I’m inside my dorm room, all my pent-up emotions explode, and I burst into tears.
Vivi, lying on the couch reading manga, shoots up in panic. “Kat? What is it? What happened?”
I throw myself at my friend. “Oh, Vivi.”
“What’s wrong? Is it Alexei?” she demands. “Did he do something to you?”
“He called me senpai,” I sob, “and he’s going to punish me.”
“What?” Vivi screeches.
“I know, right?” I choke out. “It’s the best thing ever.”
Word of the Day: Doujinshi, n
The Japanese term for self-published works (novel or manga).
This type of work may feature original stories and artwork or function as fan fiction.
That afternoon, I set out for class knowing that my world is about to change any moment. So many people have seen Yuki and me together that I’m sure word of it has spread by now. Remembering Vivi’s horror stories about the multitudes of “morally incapacitated” girls who are after Yuki, I know I’m about to be bullied like I’ve never been bullied before. It should scare me, but it doesn’t. In fact, I’m eager for things to, umm, start, because I know I can use it to my advantage. If I survive those girls, I could show Yuki I’m stronger like I say I am. Right?
