“He kept your room the way it was,” said Wade while they were walking the road, waiting for a passing car. “I’m guessing you’ll want to sleep in a real bed again.”
Maddy shrugged.
“Why didn’t he come?” she asked, and Wade had no answer for that, at least none he could tell a child.
“He’s waiting for you,” he said instead. “He hunts every day now and lots of people depend on him for food. We’ll cook you a hot meal. How do you feel about venison?”
“Mom never liked hunting,” said Maddy. “You don’t yell at each other about it, right?”
“Of course not,” said Wade, telling himself he wasn’t lying to her. After he reunited father with daughter, he’d take whatever Jaxxon would allow and leave. He wasn’t yet sure where he’d go, but there were a lot of empty homes that needed only a few minor repairs and a call to the electric company to be useable again. Maybe he’d even pick up and move on entirely. He had better odds of finding a relationship in a bigger city anyway, if that’s what he was looking for.
But he wasn’t sure it was. He hadn’t particularly been looking for anything serious before Jaxxon. And he wasn’t sure he could put him from his mind so easily. He hated himself for it, but he was in love. He almost laughed at himself. Of course he was. Who else would travel across the country looking for someone believed dead if not a man in love? He’d put himself in danger too much. Love or not, he couldn’t stand living the rest of his life with Jaxxon unwilling to return the feeling. Wade would rather watch him from a distance.
He doubted it would be all that hard to do.
WADE STILL refused to sleep in towns, not even if they seemed to hit it off with the people there. Maddy sulked about this but didn’t care to be too far away from him, so she went with him. Wade discovered he was relieved to see she trusted him enough to prefer sleeping near him than huddled up against the wall of an old building.
He was also relieved people became more generous; he was nearly out of money now, and some days he skipped eating so he would know Maddy had a meal, even if it was a shitty one. Many of the towns were kind enough to donate from their stockpiles without expecting anything in return, and Wade was relieved. He was tired and just wanted to be home again.
“Thanks,” he said at a particularly generous town. The people there had given him and Maddy enough food to last both of them two, maybe three days, and expected nothing in return.
“You ought to get where you’re going by the New Year,” said the woman who gave them the packets of Spam and fruit cups.
“We’re going home,” said Maddy when they accepted the communal stew this tiny town cooked in the evening. “Thanks.”
“Good,” said someone else. “You should be home for the holidays.”
“We’re not going to get back to Wisconsin before Christmas,” said Wade. “And I didn’t think anyone was celebrating.”
“Not Christmas. New Year’s.”
“New New Year’s,” said someone, and everyone laughed. Even Maddy cracked a smile.
The idea seemed to come up at more than one place too, Wade noticed. Everywhere they traveled, people seemed keen to finally celebrate. But they weren’t planning on marking any of the usual dates. No, the consensus seemed to be the third of January was the day to relax and eat. The day that marked the beginning of the Apocalypse. The day that meant everyone had survived a year.
“Are we going to do something for New New Year’s?” asked Maddy as they clambered over an old car in the middle of the road.
“Jaxx—your dad and I haven’t discussed it,” said Wade, hoping Jaxxon would have the sense to at least do something with his daughter to mark a year’s worth of survival. Maddy had done a lot of it on her own too; Jaxxon ought to be proud. His kid was tough and resilient, and Wade almost wished he could be part of their family unit despite having thoroughly convinced himself leaving was the right decision after everything.
“Is Trevor still there?”
Wade hesitated. He didn’t know anything about Maddy’s old friends.
“I don’t know,” he said.
“If Dad hunts, what do you do?”
“I run errands on my bicycle and make mead,” said Wade. He answered her questions as best he could. Maddy was definitely more talkative than her father, although much like him she didn’t seem to want to discuss herself. Wade felt a little more relaxed around her, like he wasn’t going to scare her, and she seemed to be growing more comfortable with him too. He hoped she wouldn’t hate him for leaving the moment they got back. She deserved the time with her father anyway.
“WOW,” SAID Wade, surprised when he plugged his phone into the wall and started getting a charge. They had made it all the way back to southern Wisconsin before they found someplace with one they could use. Another abandoned building, this time an old office, apparently hadn’t had its electric shut off yet.
“Hey, come here, look,” said Maddy, and Wade moved out to the reception area where a very old instant coffeemaker still stood. Maddy was grinning, holding a mostly empty box of single-serve coffee cups. Wade didn’t for a moment question giving an eleven-year-old coffee. It was hot, it was winter, and it was practically a miracle.
While it brewed they scavenged the rest of the office, coming up with a little 100-calorie pack of cookies that seemed ridiculous now, an unopened can of soda, four cups of tapioca pudding, and a whole sleeve of crackers. Wade could barely believe no one had beaten them to this. But then, the office was out of the way and inconvenient to get to. What had seemed to be a good location for staying safe for the night also provided a little something else.
He and Maddy sat down to a feast: hot coffee, the last of the Spam he’d been saving on crackers, a whole pudding each, and the little packet of cookies. Wade figured he’d keep the can of soda for Maddy to have something to drink to celebrate New Year’s, and they could have the rest of the pudding and more coffee when they woke up in the morning. It would be strange to have breakfast again.
“When my phone’s charged, you wanna call your dad?” asked Wade. “I can’t promise he’ll answer, but you can leave him a message.”
“Why won’t he answer?” asked Maddy, making a Spam sandwich out of two crackers and a little square of the stuff. “He knows you.”
Wade drank the rest of his coffee, debating how to answer this. Maddy didn’t need to know how he and Jaxxon argued, didn’t need to know that they weren’t actually speaking. That would probably only upset and confuse her anyway, and Wade didn’t want to have to deal with her trying to get home alone without him if she didn’t want to travel together anymore.
“He doesn’t know I went to look for you,” he said at last.
“So me coming home is a surprise.”
Wade nodded.
“Then no, I don’t want to call him,” said Maddy. “I want to surprise him.”
“Your call will definitely be a surprise,” said Wade, now wondering whether that would be better. Jaxxon might be less pissed at him. No, that was probably not possible. And what did a day or two matter anyway? He gave in.
“All right,” he said. “But when we get to the house, I’m the one knocking.”
“Deal,” said Maddy, and took one of his crackers. Wade let her have it.
WADE WAS shaking with nerves as they trudged through the snow down the long driveway to the house. He told himself it was the cold. Maddy practically bounced beside him, the happiest he’d ever seen her. She was going home, to her father, to her bed. Home.
Wade wasn’t sure where he was going.
The curtains were all drawn over the windows to help keep in whatever small amount of heat they could, and that meant Jaxxon couldn’t see them coming. Maddy insisted on standing behind Wade, all the better to surprise her father, and Wade was too tired to argue. He knocked hard on the door and waited.
“Go the fuck away” came Jaxxon’s voice from the other side of the door, and Wade heard Maddy stifle a giggle behind him.
“You’re gonna wanna open up,” said Wade in response. He could almost hear Jaxxon swearing under his breath on the other side of the door. He wished Maddy had wanted to stand beside him, the better to get Jaxxon to open up. But it was the second of January and Maddy was convinced she was the best New Year’s present there was. She was right, of course—but it wasn’t Maddy Jaxxon could see through the peephole. It was Wade.
To Wade’s surprise, Jaxxon opened the door. He didn’t look good: thinner definitely, unshaven, dull eyes. His hair was messy and he was wearing a bathrobe that looked like it hadn’t been washed since Wade left.
“Why would I want to open my door to you?” asked Jaxxon. It was a good question. Wade didn’t know why he even opened the door to ask it. He stood there, awkwardly trying to find words, any words, but there was nothing to say.
Maddy shuffled behind him, though Jaxxon didn’t seem to notice. If she was waiting for him to ask, she would wait awhile. But it was cold and starting to sleet again, and she’d had enough of being away from home. She stepped out from behind Wade.
Jaxxon’s gaze fell on her. Wade watched his expression go from irritation to complete blankness, then something like numb hope. He blinked, stared.
“Hi, Dad,” said Maddy. Jaxxon visibly swallowed.
“She’s real,” said Wade, and Maddy moved forward to put her arms around her father, the first time Wade had ever seen her display much affection. Jaxxon moved to wrap his arms around her and Wade could see his dull eyes now shining. He was on the verge of tears.
He really had thought she was dead.
Wade thought he ought to leave them to it. He shrugged off his bag and pulled out the soda, the green water bottle with stars. He set them in the snow on the front step and turned to go, trying to figure out where he could stay for the night. He didn’t want to ask help from neighbors, not when it meant admitting he and Jaxxon were no longer together. He didn’t want to deal with that yet.
“Wade,” said Jaxxon, and when Wade glanced over his shoulder he saw both Maddy and Jaxxon looking back at him. He froze. “Come in. Please.”
It was the please that got Wade more than anything. He paused, considered. One night wouldn’t be too much. He could sleep on the couch, say good-bye in the morning, get a fresh start. And he wouldn’t have to disappoint Maddy yet, who was looking downright betrayed that he’d act like leaving.
“Do you mind?” asked Wade. Jaxxon stepped inside with Maddy, leaving the door open. Wade picked up the soda and bottle and entered.
The house wasn’t in as good a state as when he left it several weeks ago. Jaxxon hadn’t washed all his plates or even most of his clothes, and items were cluttered about, but otherwise it was much as he remembered. As he shut the door Wade could hear the heat kicking on, so it would be warm soon. Better than he’d hoped.
“Hear that?” asked Jaxxon, looking at Maddy at arm’s length. “We’ll have hot water soon. You want a bath?”
“Yes,” said Maddy, sounding relieved. When even a kid wanted a bath, Wade decided, that had to mean they were truly in the Apocalypse. He stripped off his sodden coat as Jaxxon and Maddy disappeared back to her bedroom and then to the bathroom. Wade glanced around, feeling awkward. The place was home and yet not, and he didn’t know how to feel about it. He began to tidy.
“You can probably snag a quick shower too,” said Jaxxon, coming out into the living room. Wade couldn’t look at him. He was acting like nothing had happened. “Wade?”
“Thanks,” said Wade, taking a stack of greasy plates to the kitchen. Jaxxon stalked after him.
“Don’t be such a bastard. I’m in a good mood.”
“For once,” said Wade, unable to help himself. “You should take a shower too. Do you have any clean clothes?”
“I moved on to wearing yours,” said Jaxxon. He crossed his arms. “You didn’t seem to be using them.”
Wade took a breath. He didn’t want to fight. He glanced up at Jaxxon, wanting him to take Wade in his arms like he had Maddy. Wanting him to care. He set the plates by the sink and went to the master bathroom to shower as much of the grime of the journey off himself as quickly as possible. When he exited Jaxxon was in bed, one bedside light on.
“Maddy?” asked Wade, thinking he’d snag a blanket from the bed and go to the couch.
“Exhausted. In bed and already asleep.” Jaxxon paused. “Where are you going?”
“Couch,” said Wade. Jaxxon scowled.
“Not the fucking couch. You think Maddy wants to see us fighting? She likes you, you know.”
Wade sighed. He rolled into bed and Jaxxon turned off the light. He didn’t want to think about Maddy liking him; it would only make him hate having to leave all the more. But Wade wasn’t about to allow himself to think about the life he could have, the family he could make, here. It wasn’t possible.
To his surprise Jaxxon rolled closer and put his arm around Wade, rested his lips on the back of Wade’s neck. It was affectionate, tender. Wade closed his eyes and allowed himself to focus on it. Just when Wade thought Jaxxon must have fallen asleep he spoke.
“I can’t thank you enough,” he whispered.
“Then don’t try,” said Wade, and focused on falling asleep without wishing for a thing.
HE LET Jaxxon convince him to stay for New Year’s too. Wade found it was easy to talk himself into staying an extra day, particularly since he’d been wanting to celebrate something, anything, for so long. Jaxxon took Maddy out hunting in the morning, leaving only after Wade promised he’d still be there when they returned. He busied himself cleaning the place.
It was going to be hard to leave, but Wade thought it best. Jaxxon and Maddy would be happier together without him there constantly causing arguments. And what the hell—maybe this next year would be even better than the last. It would be difficult for everything to get worse. Things would have to break down even further, and Wade figured they’d more likely start sorting themselves out.
He found some cinnamon-scented candles in the closet and brought them out. He had no idea how to decorate for the first New Year’s after the Apocalypse and no idea what to eat, but scented candles sounded like a good call. He dug through cookbooks, looking for simple recipes that were nevertheless decadent. He made cookies with jam that were just coming out as Jaxxon and Maddy were coming in.
“Wow,” said Maddy, dashing into the kitchen and tracking snowy mud everywhere. Wade was too shocked at the mess to be immediately angry. Jaxxon was laughing.
“Since when do you know how to make cookies?” he asked, pointing Maddy in the direction of a bath. The heat was about to turn off; if she could hurry, she’d probably get half a tub’s worth of hot water. Maddy snagged a cookie before leaving and Wade allowed himself to feel surprise that she seemed to be improving so quickly.
“Since I opened a cookbook,” said Wade.
“You know, I don’t think I really appreciated your sarcasm until now,” said Jaxxon. He entered the kitchen and took hold of Wade, kissed him. Wade’s heart pounded, hard. He could feel the stiffness in Jaxxon’s pants and it was turning him on.
Jaxxon pulled back and snagged a cookie too. Wade’s emotions felt as screwed up as the world was now. He loved this man and wanted to stay. He loved this man and thought he should go. He debated how likely it was Jaxxon was in a good mood solely because Wade had brought Maddy back to him. He tried not to grind his teeth.
“Can you make cornbread too?” asked Jaxxon, staring at the cookies like he wanted another. “I’ve got the meat handled. And the vegetables. The candles are a nice touch. By the way”—here he looked Wade directly in the eye—“I found those bottles of mead you hid.”
Wade frowned.
“Sell them?”
“No. I was actually planning on drinking them all today. Personal celebration. But you showed up last night.”
“And you can’t personally celebrate anymore?”
Jaxxon grinned.
“I want to s
hare a bottle with you. A New New Year’s tradition. You, me, and a bottle of your best mead.”
“What about Maddy?”
“Maddy’s got a whole soda to herself.”
Wade held back a sigh. At some point, he realized, he’d resigned himself to staying here another day, even to having a holiday meal with Jaxxon and Maddy. Probably about the time he decided to bake cookies. He had to have known in the back of his mind that it’d take too long and he’d have to put off leaving another day. But he’d have to do it tomorrow—it was only going to get harder and harder to leave, until he and Jaxxon would blow up in front of Maddy, who probably desperately needed stability and security now more than ever.
“This really is a holiday, isn’t it?” asked Wade, and Jaxxon laughed at the dryness in his voice.
“Damn, I l—” He caught himself. “Like where this is going. I guess I forgot how good it could feel to have a family holiday. Didn’t seem possible in all this shit.”
They both did their best to make the day a good one for Maddy, eventually pulling out an old board game and playing. Wade was having a good time, and despite planning on leaving, he began hoping for a little sex later once Maddy had gone to sleep. Just once to tide him over for a while.
Jaxxon had gotten his hands on both bacon and a decent cut of beef, and whipped up bacon cheese mashed potatoes as well as a garlicky, buttery roast. Somehow he’d also gotten his hands on carrots to round it out, and they dug out the honey to slather on the cornbread Wade baked. When they sat down to eat, Maddy with her soda, Wade and Jaxxon with their mead, Wade was shocked. This was probably the best meal he’d seen since the Apocalypse.
It was so delicious they all ate more than they probably should have, chatting and laughing, sharing stories of the past year. Wade talked about the ridiculous situations he’d gotten himself into delivering, including an attack by a very hostile chicken. Jaxxon laughed about a funny occurrence at the farmers’ market, and even Maddy joined in with a tale or two. Wade felt warm despite the intermittent heat, the result of several glasses of good mead and the good company. It felt amazing to relive the good parts of the year with people he cared about. He tried not to think about the likelihood of being alone this time next year.
First New Year's After the Apocalypse Page 5
