by Galen Wolf
"We've got about half an hour. I've laid blade traps along the road that'll trigger as soon as the first wagons come across them."
"Sounds like a good plan." I winked. "Jimmy, I guess we're going to have to group together."
I hated grouping with anyone, especially dirty little rats like this Halfling thief, but this was the only way we could send silent messages to each other via our HUDs.
He beamed. "Sure that's a great idea, Harald! I've wanted to group with you for so long. Can I just say how much I admire your work? You've always been a figure I've looked up to."
I sheathed Dazzler. "Don't creep me out with your shit talk. I know you hate my guts. And I don't care. In fact you are so far beneath my notice I haven't even noticed what you said." I pointed at the Jeweled Tree. "So this is where you propose to ambush them?"
Jimmy nodded energetically. "I thought I would go into stealth, wait until the traps triggered then rush them. I think there'll be at most two druids and a few NPCs. They are very trusting innocent people, druids. Because they're pacifists themselves, they forget how wicked other people can be."
I smirked. "I can be pretty wicked." I shook my beautiful blond hair and straightened my beard ready for combat. "Okay. I'll just go up into the boughs of the tree itself, and then when the attack begins, come down. We'll kill a few druids, steal some shit, and then I'll pay you your meager reward and go back to my tower."
Jimmy twisted his face. "I thought maybe we could split it 50-50." He gave his shit eating grin. "After all, I'm the one who came up with the information. It was my idea."
I puffed up my bare chest. "But I am Harald Runestorm, and you're just Jimmy the Zit. How could that even begin to be an equal partnership?"
He frowned. He still looked unhappy. He'd just have to learn to live with it. I would maybe throw in a few baubles from the magic items. I actually doubted there would be anything much in there I would want. I could sell it to vendors or melt it down for the raw materials. We'd just have to see.
"So, I'm going up. I should see the Druids coming from up there."
I flapped my black cloak and the Boots of Flying launched me into the air. I landed on a thick branch of the Jeweled Tree some hundred feet up. It was a very big tree. I looked around for rangers. You often find them hanging around in trees, and they are sneaky and hard to spot. When I was sure no rangers lurked in my tree, I sat on the branch and relaxed. I could see for a long way from here down the cleared trail of Ermine Street. I lit my two pipes, the one of Licorice Root and the second of Lion's Mane--these two herbs should cure any poisons the filthy hippies threw at me.
I also took time to admire my Runefist on my right hand. The golden gauntlet was inscribed with various enchantment runes. With this charged Runefist, I could make them sleep, or web them, or hit them with a Scorching Ray. I had charged the runes with these enchantments a couple of weeks ago, and they still had a number of charges left before I had to refill them.
After about ten minutes, I heard the thin weird singing of the druids. They ambled along Ermine Street banging tambourines and wailing like skinned cats. It was like that scene in the Lord of the Rings where the elves are wandering through the forest. I've always hated elves. Except the girl ones.
I looked down and saw two Druids processing along, a male and a female. I recognized one of them–it was a druid who'd been playing for years - Biróg.
The other male one I didn't know, but they were both tall and thin and had long straight hair. They looked like extras from a Led Zeppelin video from around 1976. I like Led Zeppelin as much as the next man of my generation although of course I prefer Hawkwind. It wasn't so much the look of the druids as their whole demeanor; as they got closer, I saw their blissful faces and happy smiles. The whole thing made me puke. I couldn't wait for the traps to go off and chop them all up into little bloody pieces.
There were three wagons in the cargo train. The first had timber, the second had iron ore, and the third had various things like carpets and kettles and a few interesting looking chests.
I watched them pass under my feet as I stood high up in the Jeweled Tree. They were still chanting and singing and making me feel nauseous. I saw there were some NPC guards with them as well. There was a dryad and a couple of ents too. They should prove little difficulty to me.
As the druid sideshow progressed up Ermine Street, I suddenly heard the sharp metallic sound and the grinding blades of the trap. I saw that the leading ent had been severely chopped, and splinters of matchwood flew all around accompanied by a treelike groaning. I don't know if trees could feel pain. One can but hope.
The ent's agony was my cue. I launched into the air from the branch and flew over the wagons, descending like a dark avenger. I saw that Jimmy had already attacked the leading male druid. He stabbed him and caused the longhaired freak to drop his tambourine and scream like a girl. I decided to attack the female Biróg. I landed on the ground drawing Dazzler from her scabbard. Biróg turned to face me.
"You!" She snarled.
"Long time no see Biróg. How are you doing?" I fired a web at her from my Runefist.
She muttered some druid shit and my web fell to the ground, dissipating like strings of shaving foam, without harming her.
"I thought you people were supposed to be pacifists?" I said.
"That doesn't mean we can't defend ourselves. What are you doing here, you monster?"
"No matter," I said swinging at her with Dazzler. Dazzler was a heavy sword, and I planned to chop off a few of her limbs with it. She had four of those, but I thought maybe I'd take off her right leg to get started.
From behind me, the dryad screamed in attack. She was holding a wooden dagger. I sniggered at the skinny, bark skinned imbecile. "What the hell do you think that's going to do?" I spat in the dryad's face as I turned to meet her attack.
Then she stabbed me in the chest. The most god-awful pain radiated through my body. From where the dagger stuck into my torso, tendrils of ivy spread out covering me my skin and attempting to borrow into my flesh like wooden fingers.
My HUD flashed red and showed that I had lost 15% health. I reached into my inventory and pulled out a blue healing potion. It was one of my own and very powerful. It cured me back to full health. The dryad attempted to stab me again, but I dodged and fired my Runefist.
This time the web affected the woodland creature, and she was tangled in sticky white threads, threshing around, struggling to escape.
With my left hand, I launched a lateral swing of Dazzler. There was the sound of wood splitting and I decapitated the dryad. The enchantment runes didn't work on NPC's, but the elemental damage did. Flashes of fire, crackles of electricity, hisses of acid and the crunching sound of cold accompanied my blow. I watched the dryad's wooden head bounce over the glade, and then with a self-satisfied smirk, I turned round to face Biróg
I shook my head. "It's not pacifism if you use NPC's to fight. If you get someone else to do violence for you and claim to be a pacifist that's the same as someone who loves burgers but wouldn't kill a pig."
Biróg sneered. "You idiot, Harald; burgers are made from beef."
I threw back my head and laughed. "You see, you're not even a vegetarian. You know all about burgers."
She shook her head and did something with her left hand. I really don't know the druid skill sets so I don't know what spells they have.
I prepared to chop at her with Dazzler. Over her shoulder, I saw that Jimmy had dealt with the other ent. The ghost of the male druid shimmered around mournfully. There was little he could do now to stop us. He might as well go resurrect; he was no use to Biróg. But then - she would soon be joining him in the ghost state.
But I hadn't counted what Biróg's magic had achieved. I looked around to see that the trees and undergrowth had woven together a wall of branches and briars that was trapping us there. As I looked up, I saw that they had completed a roof above, so I wouldn't be able to get out by flying. This was only a minor inc
onvenience. I would hack my way out once I dealt with the druid.
"Out of interest I said, what spell is that?"
"Seal the Forest," she said. "And here's Rooted."
She spoke liquid words and fronds grew rapidly up from the ground around my legs holding me in place. This was more than a minor inconvenience. There's no way I could cut them off using Dazzler. I would need my knife. But I haven't thought to bring my knife. The sly bitch, using magic to defend herself!
I called over to my accomplice. "Jimmy, can you cut these vines from my legs please with your knife? In your own time."
He stared at the roots around my leg.
"Like now," I snapped.
"So now you need my help?"
"Don't get arsey with me please. I'm just not in the mood."
Biróg turned round to see who I was talking to and recognized the dark robed figure of the thief. She pointed at him and spoke another word. A green beam shot from her index finger and hit Jimmy in the chest.
Instantly Jimmy turned into some kind of brown dust and fell in a heap on the ground. His ghost emerged from his corpse.
"What the hell is that?" I yelled. "That was an insta-kill. How on earth does a pacifist have an insta-kill spell?"
Biróg said, "Yes - Compost. In dire straits, when the forest is threatened, we will use any skill that we have to protect the life of nature from evil men like yourself."
"Jimmy's a Halfling."
"Don't be obtuse."
I shook my head. This wasn't fair. I felt myself pout. "You're not really pacifists at all! The whole thing's just a sham. If I'd known that I..."
Biróg smiled wickedly. "You what? You wouldn't have dared attack us?"
"Fuck this noise," I said, and hurled Dazzler at her. The Runesword struck her in the left shoulder. On impact, there was a flash of elemental damage and a brilliant blinding light as the Dazzle rune triggered along with a weird Hammond Organ sound effect of the Blind rune proccing.
Biróg stood there dazzled, blind, and unable to do anything. At the same time, I finally saved against the Rooted spell. I was going to have to think of some countermeasure to that for whenever I fought druids again.
Dazzler had fallen to the floor, and I stooped to retrieve my sword. I tightened my grip on the hilt and went to chop Biróg but she saved against my runes and stepped backwards. I should have realized the druids have high willpower saves. Still, she was pretty damaged. Then I saw the silvery white glow of a healing spell.
I growled. I was thwarted, and I don't like being thwarted. I swung Dazzler around my head and attempted to chop at her again but she muttered something and some kind of little woodland sprite appeared and started buzzing in my ear.
The words of the sprite were very soothing. My eyes grew heavy. I faltered in my attack. I really needed to doze. Then I knew I was the victim of a Sleep spell spoken by the woodland sprite. But I've been playing this game for a while and I'd fought better men than Biróg. I reached my head round and smoked my Licorice Root pipe and the drowsiness was banished from my mind.
Biróg stumbled backwards. She was clearly not used to fighting. I slashed at her right and then chopped left causing her immense damage. Once again, she was dazzled and blinded. I knew she would soon save, but it let me get another blow and, after two more chops, when she couldn't heal herself because of the effects of my runes, I used the Jab-Jab skill from my Fencing skill-set. The runes procced twice each, and she expired with a dismal sigh.
Jimmy the Ghost sent me a message via my HUD: are you going to raise me now?
I smiled at his ghost. "What do you think? This way I get to keep everything."
"You complete bastard," he said.
I beamed at him. "Yes, that's me. Complete."
The Seal the Forest spell had expired on Biróg's death, so we could get out, but I realized I was going to have a problem transporting the wagons all on my own. There were three of them. I needed to turn them around. Luckily, they hadn't been damaged by the blade trap that Jimmy had laid. I sighed. It looked like I wasn't going to be able to do this without his help.
I reached into my inventory and pulled out a Resurrection Scroll. I intoned the words, summoning his ghost back to life.
As he inhabited his body, he rubbed the circulation back into his hands. He gave a toothless grin. "I knew you were only joking. You'd never double-cross me like this. Not your old pal, Jimmy, who's so useful to you."
I raised an eyebrow. "Get these wagons turned round please. Let's take them back."
"Are we going to take them all the way back to your tower? It's a hell of a long way."
He had a point. I leaned against a wagon and scratched myself. "What do you propose?"
"I've got a guy who will fence these in Vinab and who'll give us cash. You see, I am a useful guy to know."
I pursed my lips. "Maybe, maybe." He had a point. I didn't really need the wood or the ore. Money would be better.
I watched while Jimmy laboriously turned the three wagons around and began to lead the first wagon back down Ermine Street towards Vinab. It seemed the NPC horses were very obedient, and they followed the lead of the first wagon. I sat on the third wagon amongst the knick-knacks and treasure chests.
We bumped and rocked as we made our way to Vinab. I reached over and pulled a chest towards me. It was made of mahogany and was slippery to the touch. It looked like it had been damaged. I opened it and it exploded in my face, ruining everything in it and causing me 100 health damage. I cursed and sipped my blue potion restoring me to full health. Then I called over to Jimmy. "Can you come and check these chests for traps?"
I could see the smirk on his face because I'd set the trap off, but when he saw me staring he wiped off the grin. After he fiddled around with them, he announced all the chests were trapped, but the Halfling thief disarmed them with little trouble.
He cocked his head and looked at me. "Should we take a peek inside this one?
I nodded. I was not in a good mood. "This has not gone as smoothly as I wanted."
The two chests that were left were quite different. One was made of opaque blue glass and appeared indestructible. The second was made of soapstone with carvings of plants and flowers on it. We opened them both to find a mishmash of small level magical items. I had no interest really in any of them. The only thing that caught my attention was something called a Ring of Empathy. The interesting thing was that it gave +5 in wisdom. My wisdom stat was quite low and I could do with boosting it, not least because it would help my willpower score. I didn't know what the Empathy quality did or how it would affect me but I guessed it was some kind of druid crap and I would take the ring just for the wisdom boost.
As I reached in the chest to get it, Jimmy put his hand on mine. "I wouldn't," he said.
I shook my head. "I'm in a bad enough mood, Jimmy. I don't need you telling me what to do." I bared my teeth. "Get your hand off me."
"Okay," he said. I could see he was smirking again. But I didn't know why. Fucking half-wit. I slipped the ring on my finger and immediately felt wiser. It was a very pleasant feeling. There was also another strange tingling in my chest. I didn't know what that was. I looked around as we jolted and bumped along Ermine Street. We were nearly at the Stone Cross now. My mouth fell open in amazement at how beautiful the forest was.
Coming the other way was a wagon with two dwarfs on it. As they came close, I could see the fear in their eyes. That was a real shame they felt like that. I gave them a cheery wave and bid them good day. As they passed, they twisted their heads round and one said, "Isn't that Harald Runestorm?"
I blew them a kiss. "Sure is, boys. You have a good day now!"
"Are you feeling okay, boss?" Jimmy said. He was still smiling. But that was great. The little guy deserved some happiness.
"Yeah, I'm good. Thanks for asking." In fact, I felt wonderful.
"Just you seem not your old self."
I shook my head. "Never better, Jimmy. And listen, you just k
eep all of this loot. We'll go and sell the stuff but you keep the money; I don't need it. I've got loads."
It was at this time I first heard the mewing of a small creature. I looked at the wagon carrying the timber in front of us and saw a tiny ball of fur emerge from a hiding place amongst the logs. It was a beautiful little marmalade cat, hardly more than four weeks old. It was the most lovely thing I'd ever seen. It must have gone in there hiding when the combat began and been too scared to come out. I made Jimmy stop the wagons, and went to retrieve the cat. I held it to my chest and stroked it to hear its beautiful purr. I chucked it under the chin and said, "How's my beautiful kitty-witty?"
For some reason Jimmy was chortling to himself. But he was really a wonderful guy and I could forgive him anything. "Isn't she lovely Jimmy? I've been so lonely in the tower for so long now. All I need is a companion and fate has smiled on me and delivered my beautiful little kitten." I looked at her wonderingly. She was so pretty. Finally, I turned to Jimmy with a grin and said, "I shall name her Pussy Wussy."
