I slammed the paper shut between my hands. If I had been any other woman, I would have smiled and held his words against my heart. If I had been any other woman, I would have reached for my phone and sent him a rushed text message thanking him for the note that had restored all my hopes and dreams that we could pick up exactly where we had left off before he decided I wasn’t worth the energy. But I wasn’t any other woman. I was a woman with a history of men fucking me over time and time again. I should have melted at his lovely words slipped into the pages of my son’s diary, but I could only be sceptical.
Negative.
Reserved.
Doubtful.
A habit had formed, walls had been built, and my self-protection sensor was firmly in place.
I stuck the note on the fridge with one of Theo’s alphabet magnets and sat down at the kitchen table, staring at it and sighing. I swatted away the stirrings of hope and replaced them with the more familiar rumblings of: No, we fucking can’t just pick up where we left off.
It was going to take more than a few words on a folded piece of paper.
I knew things had to change and the starting point would be Monday morning.
Chapter 19
Josh
I saw her immediately. She walked with determined purpose, Theo in front and Brandon at her side. She politely smiled at the other parents who said hello, stopping her every few footsteps. They were probably asking her where she had been for the last week. The school gates were a hive of gossip. I should imagine they had already been taking guesses. Had she been ill? A family bereavement? New job? No. It was the new fuckwit teacher staring at her from across the outdoor play equipment.
Even from this distance, I could see the huge intake of breath she took as she looked over to the classroom where I was standing and where her determined strides were taking her. Her chest rose and fell. Once. Twice. I couldn’t miss it. I knew she had seen me and I knew she was pissed.
And I had been worried about Abi. Jesus, Abi’s scowl is terrifying but Gem could castrate me with one slow blink.
‘You changed your name,’ I said as she reached me. I could have said anything. Good morning. How are you? You still make my stomach flip. Anything. No, I chose to say something that would catapult us back to giant sized awkward—not just the normal sized awkward that we had tiptoed around all week.
This is ridiculous. I’m a teacher and I’ve lost all my words.
Gem took a breath; it was so hard that she nearly sucked the chalk-drawn patterns off the playground floor.
‘I’m not sure what you’re referring to,’ she said as she kissed Theo and gently pushed him by his shoulders into the classroom.
‘Your surname.’
Recognition crossed her face.
‘Oh, right. No, I haven’t changed my name. Not legally anyway. If you’re referring to the name I used on…the dating site,’ she whispered. ‘I used my maiden name. I kept Jay’s surname so that I would have the same name as my kids, but it didn’t feel right to use my married name when I was looking for…whatever I was looking for.’
Giant sized awkward was now turning into monstrous sized awkward.
‘Gem…’
‘Didn’t you think there would be a strong possibility that this was my kids’ school? You know where I live. You know how close this school is to my home. I just assumed that because you’ve completely ignored me for the last week, oh, apart from one drunken text message, that you were hoping never to see me again. But here you are, my son’s teacher. Fabulous. Great.’
‘Not hoping, Gem. Not at all.’
‘What do you mean?’ she asked, clearly exasperated.
‘In answer to your first question, yes, I knew that this would be Theo’s school. One of the first things I did when I arrived was look on the class register for a Theo with your surname. When I didn’t see it, I just assumed that if Theo did attend this school, he wasn’t in this class.’
She put her hands on her hips and I wanted to rip the tongue from my mouth. Again.
‘I bet you breathed a sigh of relief,’ she huffed.
‘No…I don’t know,’ I answered honestly. I really didn’t know. The chances of seeing her again were too high to walk away from. I had taken the job with full knowledge of that.
‘I’m sure this is more awkward for you than it is me.’
‘Why would it be more awkward for me?’ I repeated. She laughed but there was not a hint of humour in her tone. I wanted to dissect that laugh, pull it apart to find out what it meant and why she was being so bloody tetchy.
Aren’t you the one making another go of your marriage and killing me at the same time?
‘This doesn’t have to be awkward for either of us, Mr Wood.’
I shook my head at her use of my last name. She was making a clearly defined point.
‘We’re firmly in awkward, Ms Brown.’ She glared at me again and I swear my balls disappeared inside my body, protecting themselves from the possibility of being pulled and twisted by Gem’s fair hand.
‘I will be dropping off and picking up my son every day from now on. Communication or anything I need to know in relation to school can be written down in Theo’s diary. Don’t worry; there’s no need for us to talk. We don’t need to even look at each other. I’m hoping that time will pass quickly so that you can go off to some other school and continue living a life where you never have to actually settle down. You can continue dreaming about your lighthouse but never actually do anything about it.’
‘Is that what you think of me?’ I asked, completely shocked at her words.
‘I don’t know you, Mr Wood. I’ve only based that on my observations so far and those observations have been somewhat limited.’
‘Do you want to hear my observations of you?’ I said as she started walking away. I followed her, closing the door of the classroom as I did. ‘I think you’re a wonderful mum who always puts your children first to the detriment of your own happiness. You think that Mum and Dad pushing through even though they don’t really want to be together is better for kids. I say that’s a load of rubbish.’
‘What?’ she gasped.
‘Why are you giving him a second chance?’ I asked. ‘He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve you. You should be brimming with the kind of love that sets itself apart from everything else. Jesus, you shouldn’t expect anything less.’
‘Second chance? What are you talking about?’ she asked, still backing away.
A knock on the classroom window and a colleague mouthing Mr Wood, can I have a word? distracted me. I was all too aware that we were in a fucking school playground; tiny child ears and big flapping adult ears were all around us and this conversation was obviously so much more than a teacher telling a parent that their child had been hit on the head with a stray yo-yo during lunchtime yo-yo club.
I held up my hands and smiled, took a deep breath and said, ‘Of course.’ Only it was a little too quiet for her to hear because I was trying desperately to sound non-affected and hunky bloody dory, but when I looked back at Gem expecting to try to make sense of this increasingly confusion exchange, she had already gone.
Chapter 20
Gem
‘Josh asked me why I was giving him a second chance.’
‘Giving who a second chance?’ Elle asked.
‘Jay! Are you listening to a word I’m saying?’
‘To be honest, I’m confused,’ she replied.
‘He must mean Jay. Who else would he be referring to? I’m trying to think of something I may have said that gave him that impression but I’m not coming up with anything. I just don’t get it.’ I held the phone tightly to my ear and chewed on my fingernail as I tried to come up with an answer as to what had given him the impression that Jay and I were back together.
‘I think there’s been a pretty crap misunderstanding. You need to talk to him. Why didn’t you ask?’
‘I was ready to collapse, Elle. A full-blown drop to the floor and
need to breathe through a paper bag moment,’ I said, wafting my hand in front of my face. ‘There was also the issue of quite a few little noses squidged to the window watching us. Including the nose of my own son.’
‘You need to talk to him. Tell him you would rather pluck the hairs out of your bikini line with your teeth than get back together with Jay. Tell him you have no idea where he got that sick, twisted idea from and then set up your second date.’
‘Hold on a minute. You’re getting ahead of yourself,’ I said.
‘Gem,’ she said, huffing out a frustrated breath. ‘I know what you’re doing.’
‘I’m being cautious and I’m being sensible,’ I said, holding the phone away from my mouth as I cringed. I could hear Elle’s sigh as I put it back to my ear.
‘You’re judging him on the men who’ve gone before.’
‘No, I’m being cautious,’ I repeated.
‘I’ve got to go. Promise me you’ll talk to him when you pick Theo up today.’
‘Yeah, because outside school in front of other parents and my kids is a really appropriate place.’
‘Stop making excuses!’ Elle shouted. ‘I love you.’
‘Love you too.’ The phone went dead and I dropped myself down on the sofa. My arms felt too heavy for my body and my brain was spinning around in the confines of my stupid head. I tried to steady myself by focusing on the picture on the wall in front of me: Theo as a baby, his tiny arms folded up against his body and a serene smile on his face. I always loved that photo. His smile looked like he was saying: I’m going to be fine here. That lady whips out the instruments that feed me when I cry and I get cuddles all damned day.
I tried to count back the years and pinpoint what was happening at that time in my life. Theo would have been just a few weeks old in that picture. Jay would have just started working at the restaurant and I would have unknowingly been taking the first steps into my life as a single parent. Life became complicated and hadn’t let up since.
My phone rang again and I was expecting it to be Abi. Her passion in life, aside from her boyfriend, Jamie, was straight-talking, and, fuck knows, I needed a dose of that. I glanced at the screen and rolled my eyes when I saw Jay was calling.
‘Hey.’
‘I was wondering if I could pick the kids up from school today. Theo told me he wanted some football boots for this club he wants to go to, so I thought I’d take him,’ he said.
‘Really? When did he tell you this?’ He hadn’t seen the kids since that Sunday morning after Josh left and I went to pick them up from Abi’s.
‘On the phone the other day. I know I’ve not been around this week.’
‘Why change the habit of a lifetime?’ I replied.
‘Don’t be like that. I’m trying.’
‘Try harder.’
Silence. Muffled breath. A deep sigh.
‘How are things going with your boyfriend?’ he asked. I needed to sit down again.
‘What do you think?’
‘It’s the first time I’ve seen you with someone else and it was…difficult. We’ve got a lot of history. I’ll always have feelings for you,’ he muttered. ‘I can’t just switch them off.’
I heard him clearing his throat.
‘Four years, Jay. We’ve been separated for four years. Hasn’t enough time passed that we can move on?’
‘I know.’ Another deep sigh. ‘I’m guessing he didn’t stick around then,’ he said.
‘Would you?’
‘Probably not,’ he laughed.
‘Yeah. It’s really funny, isn’t it?’
‘Gem…’
‘Don’t say anything else. Don’t make jokes about it. Don’t talk to me. I’ll tell school that you’ll collect the boys. Have them back by six.’ I put the phone down and realisation swept across me causing a sense of dread and goosebumps down my arms. ‘Noooo!’ I shouted at the top of my lungs. ‘No! Fuck. No!’
Jay would be collecting Theo.
Jay would have to collect Theo from school.
Jay would come face to face with Josh.
‘Fuck!’
Would Jay recognise Josh? Would he say anything to him? Would Josh say anything to Jay?
I pressed my head against the wall underneath the photo of Theo all curled up and adorable to the side of Jay’s grandmother’s grandfather clock that had been passed down to us as a wedding gift. I hated that clock. I especially hated it in the middle of the night when it woke the kids. I loathed it in the morning when I had nothing better to do but count the ticks, and I detested it when it was too heavy for me to throw onto the front garden the morning after I discovered Jay’s mistress on her knees.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
I counted every bloody tick tock until Jay returned home with Theo and Brandon at exactly 6 pm.
Jay left ten minutes after dropping the kids off. The purchase of new football boots had made him the best dad in the world again. Brandon eventually came around when Jay produced a bag of sweets from his pocket. He didn’t mention school. He didn’t ask about the new teacher. He didn’t say: Hey, Mr Wood looks awfully familiar. Was he the one that I assumed had been banging my ex-wife into a first-class orgasm before delivering you home last weekend?
Chance would be a fine thing.
I calmed down when I thought it was safe. I breathed a sigh of relief when Jay picked up his bag, kissed the boys goodnight and left without leaving his usual trail of mass destruction behind him.
The boys went to bed after their baths, stories and cuddles. When the house was finally quiet and I wasn’t needed to provide drinks, kisses, or a listening ear for a story they just had to tell me—major delaying tactics from the two cheeky boys I could call mine—I prized the football boots from underneath Theo’s arms, went down the stairs and straight into the kitchen. Theo had thrown his book bag on the floor alongside his school coat and shoes. I picked it up and pulled out his diary, flicked through the pages and watched as a folded piece of paper fell onto the floor. I fell with it, crashing to the floor and sitting beside it, staring at the paper, feeling the heavy beat of my heart underneath my chest as I swallowed harshly.
Pick it up, Gem.
Pick it the fuck up.
Do it!
I reached across and slid it towards me like it was a ticking time bomb that would detonate if I handled it too roughly. Picking it up was handled just as delicately, holding it with both hands, between fingers, unfolding it slowly until I couldn’t take it anymore.
You said you should both be there. Together, as parents. A unit. Is that what you want? Josh.
Chapter 21
Josh
‘Good morning, class.’
‘Good morning, Mr Wood.’
I loved that Monday morning chorus of little angels’ voices, even when Phoebe had Blake in a headlock and I had to sit Jordan at my feet when he tried to lick Lucy’s face. Ah, bless them, each and every one.
‘Today, we have a really special treat. We will be learning all about the internet and using a computer. Mr Leslie will be coming in to take a class this morning. He’ll show you how you can search for anything you want to know about.’ Please, fuck, don’t let it involve swear words, pornography or extreme violence. ‘Isn’t that wonderful? The internet is a fantastic place to learn things. Yes, Amelia?’
‘Can I search for dinosaurs?’
‘Absolutely.’
‘Football?’ asked Theo.
‘I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.’
‘What about where poo goes?’
‘Very interesting question but can we think of something a little less…gross?’
‘I want to know.’
‘Riley, everybody knows that all poos go to poo land. Do an internet search and tell me if I’m right.’ The class laughed as I stood to get the crate of diaries. I removed a wet tissue—never good—and several sweet wrappers before picking the first one.
Not Theo’s.
I had waited for Gem to arr
ive this morning.
Still not Theo’s.
She gave me hope in the form of a smile.
Where is Theo’s?
She had a knock out smile.
Where the fuck is Theo’s?
God, I missed making her smile.
The next one I picked out immediately made me nervous. I had left a note asking her directly if she wanted to make another go of her marriage. I had slipped it into Theo’s diary right at the end of the day after changing my mind and going backwards and forwards since our discussion in the morning. If I swept aside the huge dose of pissed off, I was able to determine that, underneath the snippy exterior, she was completely fucking confused by my questioning. That right there gave me hope. Hope that I’d got the situation completely wrong. Hope that I’d made a huge mistake. Hope that I’d been quick to make assumptions. That was until Theo’s dad picked him up from school. Then the bright and shiny hope vanished into terrible bouts of despair as I wondered if I had read her confusion completely wrong. Maybe they were back together, giving it another go, resurrecting their love and unknowingly squeezing the flesh of my heart in the process.
Everything in my life felt like too much trouble when I got home from work: edging the front door open with my hip, slamming it shut with my foot, taking a ready meal out of the freezer, chipping ice from the ready meal that had probably been in the freezer since 1998.
I gave up on trying to feel normal, or at least shielding myself from the hurt of lost love and decided to call it at night at 9 pm. The instant my head touched the pillow and I turned onto my side to fall into sleep, I was hit by a freight train of extra nightmares.
The note. In the diary. In the bag. Hanging on Theo’s dad’s shoulder. Shit!
I sat up in bed bolt straight and found that my hands were hitting both sides of my head and I was chanting idiot for most of the weekend. And that was why I was on my tenth cup of coffee and it was still only 10 am.
‘Alex, should you be searching What is my mum’s PayPal password? I asked as I caught Mr Leslie’s attention with a wave. He scuttled over as I gently flicked through the pages until I found a folded up piece of paper. I smiled as I saw Do what makes you happy printed in black at the top of the small piece of lined paper.
Let Me Be Your Last (Music and Letters Series Book 4) Page 11
