I sit in the front row and try to imagine Lucy and Dick at the altar. They were younger then than we are now. Did Lucy think, as she said her vows, of her old beau Wally, strapped to a bed in his father’s house?
Danny fiddles on the organ. He hardly plays anymore, and his fingers are clumsy. Plus, he says, half the keys don’t work. Jules plucks a spray of fake flowers from its Styrofoam holder and takes it to the back of the room. She motions to him. Danny does his best at “Here Comes the Bride,” though some of the notes are dead. Jules begins a slow, stumbling walk down the aisle.
Danny motions me to the altar. This is a nowhere place, the stone walls too thick for jilted seers, the door too heavy for cuckold ghosts. I stand and fold my hands, solemn as a groom. I sway ever so slightly, awaiting my bride.
Jules arrives and Danny joins us. We three stand quiet for a moment at the altar where his parents were joined, at the place that made all this possible. Jules drops the bouquet on the floor behind her. She takes my hands in hers.
We are quiet; then Danny says, “Jules, do you take Iris to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, as long as you both shall live?”
“I do,” she whispers.
“And Iris, do you take Jules for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?”
“I do.”
Jules squeezes my hands.
Danny sweeps his arms into the air triumphantly. He says, “You may kiss the bride.” The air is gone from the room.
Jules pulls me to her, firmly. She kisses me. Her breath is hot and her lips are keen. Her tongue moves over the front of my teeth like the ocean might, or like someone beckoning, saying, Come here.
I kiss her back and we are weightless with the warmth of the mouth, floating in the taste of bloody meat and horseradish. My hands holding her hips lightly, her fingers pressing on the back of my neck, her bottom lip held ever so softly between my teeth. This means something, I think. It has to. She pulls away.
“Dudes,” Danny says, “that was fucking beautiful.”
A laugh spreads across Jules’s big bright face, ravenous the way a wildfire is. “I know, right?”
I laugh too. These are my friends. These are the funny, empty things we do so we can be the kind of funny, empty people who do them.
• • •
At the Bonanza’s glassy bar we switch to whiskey and video poker. We hit the buttons as slow as possible, like Jules taught us, trying to stretch our money long enough to get a few free drinks, long enough to make it worth our while. Willie Nelson is on the jukebox, a muted soccer game on TV. We pluck olives and cherries and slices of lemon and lime out of their plastic bins when the bartender isn’t looking. The front doors are propped open, and outside the wind is picking up. “It’s because you grew up in Reno,” Jules says, answering a question I don’t remember asking. “You don’t know how great this town is.”
There are plenty of good reasons to find yourself in Virginia City. The first time we came, we came because Jules wanted to stand in the spot where Mark Twain stood. She wanted to see what Mark Twain saw. Danny and I watched her. She stood on that plank walkway, quiet and reverent, looking out over the foothills, searching for something. I’d never seen her like that, before or since. There was none of that reverence in the chapel and it seems now that there should have been. Yes, today is a day for reverence, for some goddamn sincerity of emotion. I’m drunk. When did today become that day?
Jules comes close to a flush, and calls us over for luck. We each put a finger on the red plastic draw button. This is our ritual. How many times have we layered our three hands atop the last card, stacked our fists like totems on the lever of a slot machine, laid our hopeful fingertips on one last deal?
Danny says, Wait. He pops a maraschino cherry into his mouth, then one into Jules’s. Her teeth glow pink with cherry brine. Poor sweet Danny. We can’t help who we love.
The wind blows a swarm of golden mesquite leaves inside. Jules says, “One. Two. Three.”
The queen we needed winks up at us. The payout is close to four hundred dollars.
Jules and Danny scream and throw their arms around each other. They slap the bar. They say, Fuck, yeah. They say, You like that? I’m feeling severe. Danny stands on his stool and fishes the last olive from the bin. He is less and less himself these days. He holds the olive in front of Jules, the juice dribbling down his wrist. She reaches for it gleefully but he pulls it away and slips it into his mouth.
“We should cash out,” I say.
Danny only smiles, revealing the little plug of olive pinched between his teeth. Jules laughs that helium laugh of hers and takes Danny’s face in her hands. She presses her mouth to his. I watch. I expect their kiss to be urgent and ambitious but they’re unhurried, dreamy. She moans gently as he arches her back against the bar. He slips one hand under her shirt and holds his whiskey in his other, like he’s been doing this his whole fucking life. Afterward, he’s slack-jawed and electric eyed and Jules munches happily on whatever is left of their olive. “We should cash out,” I say again.
Jules mumbles, “Yeah,” and at the same time Danny says, “Fuck that,” and taps deal again.
“What are you doing?” I say.
He laughs and says, “Having fun.”
“No.” I grab his wrist. “Cash out.”
Jules says, “Hey, hey.”
“Get off me,” says Danny. A bit of whiskey slops onto his shirt. He pries my hand from his arm. “This isn’t about you.”
“It doesn’t mean anything,” I say. “You. Me. Nothing she does means anything. Tell him, Jules.”
The machine blinks below us. Jules looks at me pityingly. The little mesquite leaves are whirling in the doorway like insects hungry for light. Suddenly there is that sincerity I thought I’d never see again; there is a glimpse of that foothill searching. “Don’t do this,” she says softly. A tiny golden leaf flutters and lands on her cheek.
“Do what you want,” I say. “You don’t mean anything to me.” I walk outside, wishing it were true.
It seems impossible that it’s still daylight but here is the sun, reaching behind my eyes, stinging the place where cords meet brain, where meaning is made out of light and the absence of light. I need to sober up.
Last year, the day after Halloween, we came to Virginia City. Danny wanted to go to church. “It’s Sunday,” was all he said. Jules and I teased him about this, because Sunday didn’t mean a damn thing to us. But we went, telling ourselves we were going for the same reason we did anything back then, for the fuck of it. We walked along the gravel road to Saint Mary’s, bumping into each other, trying to kick the same rock out in front of us, pretending nothing had happened, that nothing would ever happen.
Inside, the church was eerie quiet and smelled like melted wax. Danny put a dollar in the box and crossed himself. He showed us where to kneel and how to touch the soft tip of our longest fingers to our heads and hearts and shoulders. The sun came through the stained glass and it was warm and so beautiful. In the light Mary was weeping in yellows and blues and Jesus was weeping in reds and one guy was holding a big key and another half a loaf of bread and another a lamb. I didn’t know what that meant and still don’t. I wish I were Catholic. I remember kneeling, thinking, More of this. That’s all. That’s what I prayed for then: divine preservation of something I would never understand, the safeguarding of something I’d already lost.
I have to drive us home. I’m sick of Reno, sick of going to the same bars and seeing the same bands. I’m sick of eating the same two-dollar slices of pizza and buying the same sworn-off cigarettes from the same glass-faced machines. Sober up.
I can’t get us back, I know, but I wanted to have lost something that meant. Danny and Jules come outside as if summoned, blinking and bewildered. Jules says, “Iris.” It’s lik
e I’ve never heard her say my name before. How tender it sounds coming from her. How pitiful.
I say, “I need to walk.” We stagger through Virginia City, against the wind. The commotion in town has subsided. It’s cold.
There’s a fence around the cemetery. We climb it. Danny trips and stumbles in the dirt. He takes Jules’s hand and helps her over. The graves here are old; lots of them are babies’ graves. I’m sorry for everything, even the things that had nothing to do with me. Especially those. We weave up the hill through the headstones, calling out deaths to each other like we’re trying to find our way in a storm.
“Consumption.”
“Scarlet fever.”
“Flu.”
“Pneumonia.”
“Consumption.”
“Whooping cough.”
“Childbed.”
“Consumption.”
“Cholera.”
“Drowned.”
“Consumption.”
There are plenty of good reasons to find yourself in Virginia City, if you need one. It used to be people came for the silver, but the silver’s long gone. In summer we come for the swap meet, for the camel races, for the cheap DVDs and the overweight belly dancers and the figures etched in crystals by lasers. For the gray-haired Indian who wears a feather headdress and who for a dollar will let you take a picture with the old fucked-up-looking panther he keeps chained to the back of his truck. There are plenty of good reasons to find yourself in Virginia City, but there’s only one reason. We came to time-travel.
From the top of the hill we can see the whole town and the valley and the debris hills beyond. I love that. Danny sits on a thick square headstone, his legs swinging softly in the dusk. Jules sits beside him. She puts her head on his shoulder like he’s always been there. Like the three of us have always been right here. I feel the last three beers resting like silver nuggets in the bottom of my purse. Below us glow the blue-orange flames in the lamps along Main Street. We drink and watch the sun dissolve into the Sierras, and for a small sparkling moment, we are who we once were.
GRACELAND
for Delilah
All the great land mammals are dying. There were once birds the size of sheep. Pinnipeds used to be huge; walruses had tusks six feet long. Jackrabbits had feet like two-by-fours. Armadillos were as big as minivans. Now, they are all dying off. African elephants are going thirsty, having to dig wells in the dirt with their trunks to find water. Bengal tigers are shot and skinned. Polar bears are drowning. Imagine! The world’s largest carnivorous land mammal drowning, an entire species drowned to extinction. You know what’ll be the largest land carnivore after we’ve shot all the tigers and drowned all the polar bears? The grizzly bear. Which is to say, some mornings I wake up before the alarm goes off and just lie there and think how I’m not sure I want to live in a world where the largest carnivorous land mammal is the goddamn grizzly bear. Peter tells me I have a sweet misunderstanding of the theory of natural selection. But then, he has also said that he finds my cartoon science very sexy.
My sister, Gwen, says it’s not so bad, living in a world where the largest land mammal is the grizzly bear. Largest carnivorous land mammal, I say. Okay, she says. Our mother killed herself six months ago, and Gwen thinks I should start letting myself be comforted by the natural world. She says when I feel anxious I should ride my bicycle down to Ocean Beach and stand on the ruins of the Sutro Baths and look out at the water and imagine the dark silhouettes of blue and gray whales moving like submarines through the sea. She says I should be more like Peter, on his little research vessel out on the bay, dipping his measurement tools into the water, listening. She says if I let myself, I’ll be comforted by my smallness. But then, she has always been braver than I.
I don’t tell Gwen that I have tried this. When I got back from Las Vegas, from scattering our mom’s ashes on the red sandstone foothills of Mount Charleston, Peter took me to the San Francisco Zoo. I saw the western lowland gorillas and the giant anteater. I cried and cried on a bench outside the Asian white rhino exhibit after seeing the marks in the enclosure where the rhino had worn his horn down to a stump, scraping it against concrete sculpted to look like mud. It was foggy at the zoo, and Peter sat silent beside me while I cried, his large hand on the small of my back, light as the fog mist on my skin. People walking by probably thought he’d broken my heart, when it is likely the other way around. We sat like that for a long time before he said, What’s wrong?
Just the same old thing, I said.
And he said finally, Ecosystems are complex things, Catie.
• • •
I have tried taking comfort in my smallness. I went whale watching off the coast of Oregon three times that month and never saw more than the drops of saltwater spray on my slicker from what they later told me was an adolescent humpback breaching about seventy-five yards off the opposite side of the boat. I don’t tell my sister any of this. I don’t tell her that I can’t go to the Sutro Baths anymore because I can’t stop thinking of the drowned boy and his drowned stepfather, whom I read about in the paper. The boy was walking along the rocks and slipped in. He kept his head above water, calling to his parents. His stepfather went in after him and both were dragged out to sea. They never found their bodies. The article didn’t mention it but there must have been a wife, a mother standing on the shore, watching her whole life slip toward the horizon. I don’t tell my sister that I can’t look out at the sea without imagining it filled with the waterlogged corpses of boys and polar bears.
I have seen old photos of the Sutro Baths from before it burned in 1966. It looks like it was a wonderful place, a giant glass-and-iron dome housing seven indoor swimming pools—six saltwater and one fresh—right at the edge of the sea. I even have a replica postcard on my refrigerator with a wide-hipped girl in a swim cap wading in the water and waving to the camera. It reads, I met her at the Sutro Baths. I said, “You swim like a duck.” She said, “O! You’re making a game of me!”
The photographs show great tall slides shooting swimmers out into the water, young men standing on one another’s shoulders, diving from the tiers above, piling as many people on the giant slides as can fit. But the beach has changed since those photos; the sea level seems higher, the beach narrower. If you go to the ruins now and envision, as I have, the great dome of glass and iron rising from the cement foundations of the seven pools, all that’s left, you can easily imagine the entire structure slipping into the sea.
I fear someday soon people will be the largest animals on the planet. Imagine living without the African elephant or the humpback to remind us of our scale, our relative size. What a place this would be without anything of such great weight and girth. When I explain this to him, Peter touches my hair lightly and says, You know what, little one? As a species we are getting larger. But we still seem so small.
My sister, for instance, is very small, like me. When new people stand close to me for the first time they often say, Oh, Catie, I didn’t realize you were so small. Sometimes they rest their elbows on my shoulder, or my head. I find this extremely obnoxious. But Gwen is smaller still; the crown of her head could nestle in my armpit. I admit that I sometimes rest my elbow on her shoulder, especially when we have not seen each other for a long time. One of the things I liked immediately about Peter was that he never leaned on me as though I were a walking stick.
Last November, my sister married a very tall, very wonderful man named Jacob, who I suspect never treats her like a walking stick. They have a big apartment in the Sunset District with a garage and a little rooftop garden. These things are not easy to come by. For example, I have a crumbling studio above a taqueria in the Mission. There are brown water stains dotting the ceiling, and both of my windows open to the view of my neighbor’s windows, so close I can lean out and press my fingertips to the sills.
When I first moved in, about two years
ago, when Peter and I had just started dating, we painted my apartment together. Now, that memory baffles me. Or rather what baffles me is who we were then, the way we stood in the aisle at the hardware store, side by side, our fingers moving delicately over color samples. As though the perfect shade of pumpkin-colored paint would make the hot water run longer, the thick smell of carne and cilantro lighter, the neighborhood better. As though it would do anything for anyone.
Jacob, my brother-in-law, is six-four. He has long ropy limbs and can pick Gwen up like the elephants in Dumbo pick up poles with their trunks when they are assembling the circus tent. Do you remember that scene from Dumbo? Well, Jacob can hug Gwen like that and he often does. My heart is warmed by tall, ropy Jacob. I beamed at their wedding. Jacob and Gwen are having their first baby soon, and I hope Jacob’s tall genes do not go to waste. I hope they average each other out, at the very least. On our second whale-watching trip Peter and I sat on a narrow wooden bench inside the boat, wet and cold. Peter worked halfheartedly at a crossword puzzle. I asked him to do a Punnett square to see if Jacob and Gwen will average each other out at the very least.
He said, Catie, Punnett squares are not tarot cards. It is when he says things like this that I am reminded that Peter once knew me better than anyone in the world, very briefly, and that one day he could again.
Though they haven’t been told the sex of the baby, I have a feeling that Gwen will have a daughter and that she will be beautiful. She will be tall and thin and lithe like Jacob, with Gwen’s great big brown eyes. They will average each other out and I will be grateful.
Battleborn: Stories Page 21
