Sexy was something I'd never felt in stockings, not a single day in the five years I'd been wearing them. I'd never felt even slightly sexy in these clothes. The thought of needing to wear them every day until I retired was exhausting. 35 more years of feeling unsexy and weird. The eternity of that number was so depressing.
She had her hands on her hips and was watching me a little too closely. When I realised, it made me nervous. “Min, is something up? I didn’t really want to say anything, but you've been kind of off-colour since I came in.”
I had no intention of telling her; she was the only person I actually liked at Frost aside from Henry. Oh, and speaking of him, I'd actually been on my way downstairs before I'd gotten Bree's message and Sarah had rocked up.
“Just stressed out, I think,” I said dismissively, and reached into my bottom drawer to grab my purse. “I'm just going downstairs to buy something sweet for Henry. You want a coffee?”
She didn't press me for an answer, which I appreciated. “Okay,” she said, still giving me a bit of a sceptical look. “I was just going to get an energy drink, but I'll come for the walk.”
I ended up buying Henry a custard Danish, and when I went to visit him in HR, Sean Frost was sitting on the edge of Henry's desk playing with a gun-shaped stress ball I'd bought Henry a couple of years ago. Henry was trying his best to look calm and professional, but I didn't miss the pinch at the corners of his mouth. When he spotted me in the office, he looked markedly relieved. “Min!”
Sean looked up at me, too, and flashed me a friendly smile. I nodded politely at him. “I hope I haven't interrupted anything. The door was open.”
Sean shook his head. “No, you're fine. I'm about to head off anyway.”
Henry seemed just about ready to push Sean out of the door himself. “Pants,” he commented as I walked around the table to him, leaning back in his chair for a moment to inspect them. “You look lovely, they really suit you. Change is as good as a holiday, right?”
Those compliments made me uneasy. I didn't feel like they suited me, I didn't want to look 'lovely', and if he only knew the type of changes I wanted to make... He was just being nice, though. Like he always was. Sarah wasn't the only one with a great boyfriend. On that note, I handed him the paper bag with the Danish in it. “I bought you some breakfast,” I said. “I know it's not low-fat muesli, but it's better than nothing, right?”
He chuckled. “Thank you,” he said, accepting it and peeking inside. “Ooh! Now that's definitely more interesting than muesli. Thanks for thinking of me, Min.” He smiled up at me and patted my hand. That smile... fuck, he was wonderful. He was so wonderful. I could never tell him about me, never, because watching that smile be replaced by something else entirely would just kill me.
I let my hand linger on his, wanting to tell him just how great he was, but Sean was still sitting across from us and it would probably be inappropriate. I just smiled back at Henry for a moment instead, and then nodded politely at Sean again when I went to leave.
Just as I was going, Sean said, “Actually, I need to duck upstairs for a couple of minutes,” and hopped off the desk. He threw the stressball at Henry, who caught it automatically and then set it carefully back down where it belonged on his desk. Sean was already walking towards me. “Want some company?”
I didn't mind—and he was the co-CEO of Frost International, for Christ’s sake—but over behind Sean I could see Henry looking like he was going to leap across the room and throttle him. I smiled tightly at Sean anyway and let him lead me out, throwing an apologetic glance over my shoulder at Henry.
Sean moved briskly as we went towards the lifts, but because my legs were longer it wasn't a problem for me to match his pace. “So how's that project coming along?” he asked me, just to make conversation. “I hope my sister isn't riding you too hard.”
“We're on track,” I said, feeling relieved about being able to say that. “So the hard work is worth it.”
He looked sideways at me as he pressed the button. The doors from the lift I'd used a couple of minutes ago opened. “I suddenly understand why she put you on the team,” he said, I think commenting on my work ethic. “When do you pitch?”
I shook my head as we stepped inside. “No dates yet.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Even with the state election coming up in a couple of weeks? That's strange.”
I wasn't sure what he wanted me to say, he knew the project was confidential. “Well, you know what it's like setting up meetings with people in cabinet.”
He tilted his head. “You're probably right. I mainly get other people to set that sort of thing up, so I'm not likely to know what I'm talking about.” I must have been looking a little too hard at my reflection, because the next thing he said was, “New pants?”
That surprised me. Had I been that obvious? “Not new, exactly. I just haven't worn them before.”
He nodded. “And you don't like them?” I pressed my lips together and he laughed. “I hear you. Try being a CEO and having to spend 24/7 in a suit,” he said. “And my wife gets so upset when I crease them, too. I can't have any fun. I can't imagine how uncomfortable it must be to have to do all of that but also in heels.”
Jesus, he was so right, so right that I just had to laugh. When I stopped, he was smiling at me in the mirrors. It wasn't flirtatious, I don't think. My best guess was that he could see how nervous I was in his presence and he was trying to make me relax. It was working. Why the fuck did Henry hate him so much? And Diane, too? He was nice.
As the doors slid open on 36, they opened to two people, Jason and Sarah.
They had been discussing something in front of the vending machine, but stopped when they saw us. Sarah looked pleased to see me, but Jason's eyes couldn't have been narrower. He abandoned whatever conversation he'd been having with Sarah to walk over to us as we got out of the lift. “What are you doing with this tool, Min?” he asked, grinning at Sean. “Didn't Diane tell you he's bad news?”
Sean didn't look offended in the slightest. “Not doing a great job of selling me to your employees, Jase,” he fired right back. “What is it you do again?”
“Shitloads of paperwork, mate,” Jason said, freely swearing in front of the CEO. “Paperwork forever. Want a smoke before the meeting?”
Sean patted his chest and hip pockets. They were empty. “I hope you've got some.”
As they left, Sean turned around and nodded a goodbye to me. It felt really good to be acknowledged, especially by someone who wasn't a total prick like Jason.
They swaggered off together like old high school buddies. I might actually have thought that's what explained their familiarity with each other except I was pretty sure Jason was quite a lot younger than Sean.
I walked up to Sarah, and she handed me one of the Red Bulls she'd been holding. “What was that about?” she asked me, and I shook my head as we followed them away from the lifts.
Out across the floor on the way back to Oslo, we could see them walk out onto the alcove balcony. They were deep in conversation, laughing and joking around with each other as they lit their cigarettes. At one point Sean flexed—he actually was kind of built—and Jason made some comment we couldn't hear through the glass. With their muscular, broad shoulders and flat abs, they were both in pretty great shape and the very epitome of 'men'.
That's what I wanted to be? That? I frowned at them. I did recall reading on the forums that a lot of trans men wanted to bulk up, but I was ambivalent. Did that mean I really didn’t want to be one? Because I didn't want to be hairy and I didn’t care about muscles? Then again, Henry wasn't muscular or particularly hairy, there was nothing unmanly about him. I briefly asked myself if maybe I just wanted to wear men's clothes and that was all, but as much as I really wished with all my heart for that to be the case, I knew it wasn't. Women didn't normally want to make their breasts disappear. Just wearing a suit wouldn't be enough for me.
“What do you think's going on with those two?” Sarah
asked me thoughtfully, distracting me from my identity crisis. We'd stopped to lean on the wall outside Oslo, which was still empty. It was nearly nine, so I didn't know where the hell my team was. I'd need to speak to them about that.
I didn't really understand Sarah's question, though. Was she asking about how Sean and Jason knew each other? “What do you mean?”
She snorted. “Well, if you believe the rumours about what they do together...” she said, making a circular motion towards them with her drink and grinning.
I made a face and shook my head. “Nah, Sean's married,” I said, thinking of that smile he'd had on his face when he'd talked about his 'beautiful' wife.
Sarah just turned her head to stare at me, and then laughed like she did when I'd said something really funny. “Okay,” she said as she recovered. “Wow, you're serious. Okay. You want to know something?” I narrowed my eyes at her as she kept going. “I actually kind of thought when I caught you texting this morning that you might be cheating on Henry, and that the Danish was maybe a guilt-apology thing even though he didn't know.”
It took me a second to really process what she'd said to even gape at her. “What? No!”
She laughed tensely. “I know, I know. It's just kind of obvious something is up with you so I thought maybe that's what it was. But your whole, 'no, Sean couldn't possibly be sleeping with Jason, he's married' blew that theory out of the water.” She paused, looking mildly disgusted with herself. “I did not just use 'blew' in the same sentence as that other stuff.”
I was still so spun out by her suggestion I'd cheat on Henry, I couldn't even think about Sean and Jason. “Henry and I are fine,” I said, and it was true as long as he never found out about the me-wanting-to-be-a-man thing. And cheating on Henry with Bree? What a suggestion. “The friend I was texting is a girl,” I told her, as if that would obviously put Sarah's insane theory to rest.
I wasn't sure it did, though. She just laughed at me, clapped me on the back and clinked her Red Bull against mine. “Okay, Min,” she said, and then started to walk into Oslo, saying over her shoulder. “But I'd be willing to put a grand on those two guys sleeping together. More, even.”
I looked back at them on the balcony. Jason leant forward to give Sean a light, and perhaps it might have been a little close. Then again, all I knew for sure was that Jason was gay and Sean was married. And even if Jason was into Sean, it didn't necessarily mean they were sleeping together. I had been getting comfortable with my own assessment, and then I saw Sean make a couple of smoke rings. Jason blew a big puff of smoke through one of them and they both smirked at each other. That was... kind of sexual.
Fuck, I think Sarah's right, I thought. I worried about that as I followed her into Oslo.
“See?” she asked me knowingly when I closed the door behind me.
I nodded at her, scrunching up my face. “I'm not cheating on Henry, though,” I said. “You're wrong about that. I'd never do that to him. The person I was texting is actually just a friend.”
She nodded. “I got that far by myself.” She then spent a couple of seconds watching me, obviously wanting to say something else.
I didn't let her. I was uncomfortable enough about the conversation as it was. “So, speaking of Jason, I had a word with him about the framework this morning,” I said, sitting down at my desk and feeling around in my handbag for the USB. “He thinks Russia was a good choice and is forwarding me some potential leads...”
I watched her roll her eyes at me, but she let me change the subject.
My team trickled in between nine and nine-thirty, and while I was aware they'd been working all weekend, I couldn't have them think that was a good reason to slack off during the week. Ian, the older guy, actually showed up a full half an hour late and really should have known better. I called a brief meeting under the pretence of going over the framework, and then said at the end, “And, guys, I understand that you've been working all weekend, but this project is only running for a few more weeks. I'm sure I can negotiate some time off for you after contracts are signed, but I really need your full commitment until then so we can make this project successful.” I wasn't sure they'd really got my point, so I added, “That means showing at up on time at nine o'clock. Or earlier, if possible.”
I could see them collectively nodding, but their eyes were a little glazed and that made me feel like a school teacher. It was awful telling grown men what to do and I wished they wouldn't make me. And, while they were all clearly taking me seriously, I really felt very female right then in comparison to them and that made me self-conscious. I wondered what they really thought of a chick telling them off, and whether Jason or Sean got different responses from people than I did. And then I wondered if I was being paranoid.
“I took my wife to the doctor this morning.” Ian was more explaining himself than giving me attitude, but I was annoyed anyway because he hadn't even bothered to call in about it. “She wasn't feeling well and I was busy with the requirements framework all weekend.”
“Yeah, my partner's really sick at the moment, too, there's something going around,” Sarah said easily, knowing full well everyone had seen that she was here on time.
I exhaled, shooting Sarah an appreciative look. She gave me a little smile.
“Also,” I said, remembering Jason's comment to me and not wanting to single anyone out, “please make sure you always send any info to do with the pitch using the encryption software. That's very important.”
“I just wish we knew why,” Ian commented as I closed the meeting. “Frost International sells diamonds. This is a diamond pitch. I don't get it.” I tended to agree with him, but I didn't think it would be appropriate for me to say anything more.
After they were sitting at computers working again, Sarah came up to me and put a hand on my arm. “Good job,” she whispered. “That went okay.”
I sighed audibly. “You want to be lead? I'm done.”
She laughed and rubbed my arm. “No, thanks,” she said quickly, and then got straight to business. “Can I borrow your USB for a second? I just want to grab that spreadsheet.”
I was so glad she was on my team, she was a great support. The whole project would have been hell without her, and she kept doing little things like bringing me lunch and offering to run stuff past Jason for me. I hardly needed to get up out of my desk for the entire day, which allowed me to really get some serious work done.
I still had a lot more to do in the evening, but at about quarter to six I figured I'd better leave so I wouldn't be late for Bree. Deciding I could just work from home later, I packed up and went to grab some bandaids out of the first-aid kit near the lift for my poor feet.
I pulled the box down off the wall and flipped it open on the floor, searching around in it. I'd found them and was grabbing a handful when I caught sight of some packaging with diagrams on it in one of the bigger compartments. I never would normally have paid any attention to it, but the diagram was of how to treat a chest wound and it had a picture of a guy's chest and elastic bandages all around it.
I stopped what I was doing and picked up the package. It had three elastic bandages and some other stuff in it and I just kept looking at those diagrams on the front. 'Wrap tightly and press down for adequate compression', it read. I could use adequate chest compression, I thought, and there's no way anyone working at Frost is ever going to end up with a gaping chest wound.
I looked up. No one was watching so I took it out, closed the kit, and mounted it back on the wall. I tucked the package in my bag, not really understanding why I was feeling so goddamn guilty about it. We were allowed to take items out of the first aid kit, OH&S was very clear about that during orientation. We were just supposed to fill out a whole lot of paperwork when we did. The thing was, there was no way I was ever going to leave any evidence that I'd taken chest compression bandages. How did you explain that? ‘Oh, I just had a small chest wound on the way home and needed to use these?’
While I was waitin
g for the lift, I opened my bag a little and examined the bandages, squeezing them through the packaging. They felt really firm. I wondered if I'd be able to breathe with them wrapped around me.
“You're off, too?” Sarah's voice startled me again. I hurriedly closed my handbag, drawing a sharp breath. From her expression I didn't think she'd seen what I was looking at, but her timing was a bit suspect. It seemed like she was following me out but, then again, spending too much time with Bree was probably just making me overly suspicious. She came and stood beside me at the lifts. “This is early for you.”
I nodded. “Seeing that friend,” I said as we caught one downstairs together.
She didn't say anything for half the lift ride, and when she spoke, it was after visibly gathering the courage to. “Look, Min, I didn't mean to be too nosy this morning,” she said as I touched up my lipstick in the mirrors. “I shouldn't feel entitled to know anything about your private life. I'm sorry about that.”
I put my lipstick away, thinking carefully about how to answer her. Sarah had never shown any sign of being judgemental, and aside from Henry and Bree she was the closest thing I had to a good friend in Sydney. It was just that I couldn't bring this thing I had about myself to work. I didn't want to lose her support on the team because it would be hell without her. It was bad enough that she'd nearly seen me with those fucking bandages.
“It's okay,” I said, anyway. I think I wanted to tell her, but then when I imagined the words actually coming out of my mouth I knew I'd choke on them. I couldn't pretend it was nothing, though. I wanted to stay friends with her. “You were right about what you said,” I told her. “There is something 'up with me'. It's just personal and I just really can't talk about it. I'm sorry.”
She nodded slowly, and I could see her brain ticking over. “Okay,” she said as we stepped out of the lift and walked through the lobby. “You don't have to tell me. Maybe we can both go and get drunk together instead.”
Under My Skin Page 20
