I didn't move.
She held her hand out to me. “Come on, Min, please.”
In the end she did manage to convince me because she was so determined and I just didn't have any sort of fight left. Maybe we were making the right decision, maybe we weren't. But Sarah was right about one thing: I couldn't go on like this.
She led me out of the Women's and down the stairwell to 35, and then into Sean's office. His assistant greeted us, and I saw recognition flash over her face when she saw me.
“Oh...” she said about the state I was in, and then intelligently didn't add anything else. “He's on the phone right now. Let me get him.”
She excused herself and slipped into his room, returning immediately and holding the door open for us. Sean was hanging up the phone as we entered, and as soon as he saw me, he stood up, looking deeply concerned.
“Min,” he acknowledged me, and hurriedly nodded at his assistant. “Thanks, Frances.” She quietly excused herself and closed the door behind her.
He rounded the table and, in a way that was much more 'brother' than 'CEO', received me from Sarah and put a warm hand on my back as he ushered me to sit down. “You look like you've been in the wars. Can I get you anything?” Before I'd even answered, he retrieved his tissue box from behind his computer and placed it directly in front of me on his desk. “They're aloe vera,” he said, indicating them. “Please. If you need to.” He leant on the edge of the desk in front of me as Sarah sat down.
“We need to talk to you,” she said cryptically.
He laughed shortly, but it wasn't a harsh sound at all. “Yes, I can see that,” he said, and then held out his hand for her to shake. “Sarah, isn't it? Sarah Presti?”
She looked impressed. “Yes,” she said. “And you pronounced it right. Thanks.”
He smiled. “So. What's up?”
Sarah and I looked at each other. I was still acutely aware that he might have been responsible for Vladivostok failing and a good chunk of why Diane and Jason were angry with me. It made me nervous and made me doubt we were doing the right thing, being in his office. Sean looked between us as we hesitated, but he didn't say anything.
It was Sarah who spoke. “We shouldn't even be here,” she said. “Is there some way Diane and Jason cannot find out about this?”
He sighed theatrically and crossed his arms. “Well, I can't control who saw you coming down here, but my staff won't tell her or Jason. Everyone's a little bit afraid of them.” We both smiled at that. “If this is about that confidential project she has running, I'm going to say something a bit shocking: I don't care about it.”
We both frowned at him.
He shrugged. “Diane and I have our differences about how to handle operations. I would be perfectly happy to sit down and have a discussion, but the first thing she does is get the lawyers out. I'm so sorry both of you were caught up in this.”
Beside me I could see Sarah relaxing. I was still nervous. “But Bree...didn't she tell you?”
He gave me a look. “She told me a lot of things,” he said. “And I have done exactly nothing with that information except try and offer you both support, if you recall.” I must have looked a bit sceptical, because he added, “I know what you're thinking because Jason's already had a go at me. I was still looking for you when the pitch was cancelled. They wouldn't even have had time to write the email if I'd had anything to do with it.”
I wracked my brains trying to figure out if that could be true. It might have been; I didn't have too clear a memory of events on that day because I'd been feeling really sick and been doped up on codeine. Everything did happen in a very tight sequence. Maybe me being stupid and telling Bree hadn't ruined everything for me, after all. It was a relief, hearing that. I didn’t want to be angry at her, and I was already angry enough at myself.
He waited for us to process that, then he said, “Now that that's out of the way, you want to tell me what the real problem is?”
Sarah looked towards me. “Do you want to go first?”
I did tell him. As soon as I'd opened my mouth everything just came pouring out. He was warm and kind and he gave me his full attention and listened carefully to everything I was saying, occasionally taking notes. Sarah chipped in with her story too, but when it came to the really private stuff about me, I spent a good two or three minutes stuck on the point of coming out to him, even if everyone upstairs knew.
“Jason outed you?” Sean prompted me. “You mean as bi? Or gay even?”
I took a deep breath, then released it, and then tried again. “No,” I said. “As transgender.”
His eyebrows went right up, which at least meant Bree had kept that much to herself. “Well,” he said carefully. “I can certainly see why that would be a problem in Marketing.”
I nodded, and then remembered being trapped at that desk while the men all discussed my genitals, and being yelled at to stop kidding myself with the ‘tranny make-believe dress-ups’ in the toilets, and then how I couldn't even fucking walk around the building without worrying who I was going to bump into and what they were going to say and how I was going to react. It was like high school all over again. Even my nightmares weren't as awful.
“It's hell,” I said, and to my horror my voice wavered. And now, I wanted to add, because this crap occupied a hundred per cent of my brain space, I was fucking things up, too.
He bent down and put a hand on my shoulder. “It sounds like it,” he said quietly. “I don't want you to have to work somewhere like that, Min.”
He had a gentle and caring voice just like Henry’s. It was a comparison that made me unexpectedly emotional, because I didn't know if I'd ever hear Henry speak to me like that again. Henry was wonderful and lovely and had spent years supporting me and what was I doing? I was leaving him for a schoolgirl who specialised in screwing things up. He didn't deserve that. He deserved to be happy with someone who was actually in love with him.
I didn’t ask for this, Henry, I thought. I didn’t ask for this. I’m sorry. I'm so sorry. Tears filled my eyes, and I panicked again. No, no, please no. Don't cry now, you can't cry now, not in front of the CEO.
“It's okay, Min,” Sean said warmly, nudging the tissues towards me. “Just let it all out.” It was such a small movement, but there was so much quiet acceptance in it. In a few seconds I was crying again. Why couldn't I have a boss like Sean instead of Jason? Why?
Sarah put an arm around me, and when I glanced over at her, her brow was knit.
Sean was rubbing my shoulder, too, and it was probably very unprofessional, but it was caring and friendly. I didn't mind. “How about both of you take a few days off,” he suggested. “I'll take care of Jason.”
“No,” we both said in unison, and then looked at each other.
“We're kind of busy right now,” Sarah clarified.
Sean narrowed his eyes at us. “Okay,” he said slowly. “At least tomorrow, then.”
Neither of us answered, because we weren't supposed to say anything to him about the pitch, whether or not he cared or was involved or whatever. It was pretty obvious from silence, though.
He smiled and shook his head, apparently not picking up on it. “Workaholics, both of you,” he said with a wry smile, and then went around his desk. “Are you planning to make a formal complaint about Jason?”
It sounded like a completely unloaded question, but I kept remembering Jason and Sean and how buddy-buddy they were with each other. Sean was so considerate that I felt bad for not being just as considerate as he was.
“I’m sorry, I know this puts you in a difficult position,” I told him.
“Please,” he said, holding up a hand to silence me. “I’ve been expecting to have this conversation with someone ever since Diane introduced me to Jason. I enjoy spending time with him, but I’m not blind to what he can be like.” He sat down in his office chair. “Don’t let that be the reason you don’t complain about something this serious.”
Sarah leant forw
ard in her seat. “And Diane won’t find out we came to you?”
He pressed his lips together and shook his head a little. “No,” he said. “Of course I'll document our meeting for HR and performance management purposes which is why you came to me, but you make formal complaints using the Intranet Portal because we need them all in writing. I’ll send you the link. Diane will never know you were the one who did it, I promise. The complaint is de-identified and only delivered to the employee’s manager once the investigation is complete.”
“Investigation?” I said, worrying about that.
“Not as scary as it sounds,” he reassured me. “We don't haul you in front of a tribunal like the Fair Work Ombudsman would or make you stand up in front of a court like you would perhaps need to if you went out on WorkCover. Internal complaints are discreet and painless. Anyway, I’ll get you that link.”
Sarah and I watched while he swivelled to his computer and shifted the mouse a bit to wake the screen up. After he typed a couple of things in, he sat back in his chair. “Done,” he told us. “That should be in your inboxes.”
I relaxed a little.
Sarah had probably made the right decision to drag me down here, because I did feel better. Sean seemed like the kind of person who understood people, and he was so much like Henry that I trusted that he'd make good decisions about who to speak to for this 'investigation' and what to say. At least now there was a light at the end of the tunnel with all this awful work drama. Maybe I could begin to look forward to working somewhere that wasn't awful.
I turned and smiled a bit at Sarah, and she understood and put an arm across my shoulder. “Told you,” she said quietly. Then, she sat up. “I'll do the complaint-thing later, because I'm really sorry, but I have to rush off and get ready to meet—” She nearly said, 'Sasha Burov', but she stopped herself in time. “To meet a really good friend of mine I haven't seen in ages.”
I saw Sean's eyes dart up to the clock on the wall — it was nearly 3pm, definitely still work hours — but he didn't say anything about it. “Thank you,” he said to her. Before I stood up though, he said, “You don't have to rush off as well. I'm going to go grab myself a coffee, you're welcome to sit in here until you feel a bit better.”
I smiled appreciatively. “Thanks.”
Sarah hugged me as she stood up. “Are you going to be okay?” I nodded, and she hugged me again. “You were killing me before,” she said quietly. “Seriously. You're like the funniest person I know and when I walked in on you in the toilets...”
I didn't want Sean to hear, because I already felt a bit pathetic about crying in front of him even if he'd been really gracious about it. I shushed her and then said goodbye.
While Sean was out getting his coffee, I spent a few minutes trying to get the mascara off my cheeks using my reflection in the window. He chuckled when he snuck back into the room and saw me doing it. “I bet you wish you never had to wear that again.”
I had to laugh at that. “Exactly.” I stopped cleaning it off, though, because it was weird doing that in front of someone. I probably should have just thanked him and left at that point, but when I remembered what was waiting for me back upstairs, I got stuck by the door with my fingers on the handle.
Sean saw my difficulty. “Jason's already gone,” he reassured me. “I saw him leave while I was getting my coffee. And you don't look like you've been crying, except that you have no eye make-up and one of your eyelashes is coming unglued.” He smiled slightly.
I quickly peeled them all off my lids. “Thank you,” I said, and then when he smiled at me, I really felt a flood of gratitude for him. Bree was right, he was so nice and so easy to talk to. Additionally, he’d been that way with me even though I was complaining about his friend and potentially forcing him to fire someone he cared about. “I mean that: really, thank you.”
“You're welcome,” he said simply, and turned back to his computer as I left.
Because I felt better, I managed to make it back to Oslo without ending up in the Women's toilets again.
Ian and Carlos weren't anywhere to be seen, and since the Sales boys were missing, too, I figured they'd probably all gone on a long lunch together prior to meeting Burov, both to learn the materials and drink expensive wine on the Frost credit card. I didn't miss any of them.
Just as Sean said he had done, when I sat down and pulled out my phone, he'd sent me a link to the complaint form. I forwarded it to my private email so I could open it on my Pink laptop, and then clicked on it.
When the form loaded on my page, I sat there for a second, my heart racing with what I was about to do. This was official. This was it. If I put all this stuff in writing, I couldn't take it back, and I couldn't hide the fact I was transgender from anyone, either. Not that it was likely to be much of a secret soon, the way the Marketing boys all gossiped like teenage girls. But this, this was so final.
I put my fingers to the keyboard, unsure about what points to focus on, and then spent the better part of an hour and a half making sure everything was there. I debated whether or not to click the 'submit' button. Before I could talk myself out of it, I did.
And then it was gone. I’d formally complained about my racist, sexist, bigoted boss. I’d finally complained about the bastard after years of wanting to.
I reclined back in my chair, my heart still going. I've done it, I thought. I mean, I was worried about whatever this investigation process was, but I was glad it was happening. I was so glad once again that Sarah had dragged me to complain to Sean. He’d just been great. It felt good to know that there were actually people in this company I could trust with my welfare and that it didn't need to be the awful godforsaken hellhole it had become. And maybe I could focus a bit on work now.
I double-checked all the materials again, checked the PowerPoint, made sure we had everything ready for tomorrow and then sat down in my chair again. My pulse was still a bit jumpy — probably from lack of food as much as everything else — so I’d sat down and closed my eyes and was just taking a few deep breaths, when the door to Oslo burst open.
I gasped audibly and sat up straight, my eyes flying open. I was already shaking, because with that kind of movement, I expected it to be Jason and the thought of him terrified me.
But it wasn't Jason. It was much, much worse.
Diane Frost came striding into the room with a series of printouts in her hand. Not in five years working at Frost had I ever seen her so angry.
“You,” she said, making a sharp gesture at me. “My office. Now!”
TWENTY-SEVEN
“Sit,” Diane said sharply, shutting her office door behind me. I obeyed as she walked around the desk and sat across from me in a neat, practised movement.
It was so quiet all I could hear was the ticking of the ornate clock on her desk and the distant hum of traffic far below. She didn't need to scream for me to be able to feel how angry she was. The air was thick with it.
For what seemed like eternity she stared across at me, lips pursed. I've disappointed someone else, I thought, waiting any second for her to crack and blast me like Jason did.
Eventually she drew a breath. “Let me ask you a question, Min.”
I waited, stricken. This must be about Sean, I thought. She knows Sarah and I went to see Sean.
She didn't say anything about him, though. She just held the printouts towards me, and I accepted them. She sounded cool and impassive. “How did you expect me to react to this?”
She obviously intended me to read them, so I ran my eyes over the first page. I didn't get two lines in before I recognised what I was holding, and all the blood drained from my face.
This was the complaint I'd written about Jason.
But that didn't make sense, how did Diane get it? She wasn't supposed to get it until it had finished being investigated! As I flipped through the pages to see how much text was there, my heart was racing, and when I glanced back up at her, I realised she'd been waiting the whole time for me to
reply.
All I could think was, 'How did you get this?' but that wasn't the reply she was looking for. I just shook my head, because I didn't understand.
She made a non-committal noise. “May I ask who suggested a formal complaint was the best course of action?”
Sarah, I thought. But she was just looking out for me. I gave her the same courtesy. “It was my decision.”
Diane leant back in her chair, her elbows relaxed on the arm rests as she considered me. “Do you know much about industrial law and how it influences our internal policies, Min?”
I shook my head again.
“When a serious harassment claim is made, the employee accused is immediately suspended with full pay pending investigation. Additionally, all disciplinary action is suspended against the complainant, and this is especially true in circumstances where the complaint is about a superior.”
She let that sink in, and it only took me a second to understand exactly what her implication was. Jason was going to be suspended right now, and Frost was unable to take any disciplinary action against me until the complaint was dealt with. I can only imagine how that looked to Diane; I'd been in big trouble last week and I was in big trouble right now. This looked reactionary. The only problem was that it wasn't.
“Given that, Min,” Diane continued. “What do you think my first thoughts were when I read this?”
Fuck, it looked bad, didn't it? Very bad. My voice wavered. “But it's true.”
She scoffed. “This,” she said, gesturing at the copy of the complaint in my hands. “Is true?”
“Yes.”
She watched me closely for a few seconds, and I saw her eyes run over my pretty dress, and my pearls, and my loosely curled hair. I looked down at it myself, and my stomach clenched. I know I look very feminine, I thought. Believe me, I know. But the complaint is still true.
Something passed over her face for a moment, and she frowned slightly. Her tone changed. “And you just decided to make it yourself, and right now?”
Well, Sean had sent me the link, but Sarah and I had asked for it. I wasn't trying to cause trouble. “I thought the complaints process was discreet and that you'd only find out the verdict at the end of the investigation.”
Under My Skin Page 63
