While the girls started talking about teachers I didn’t know, and gossiping about who’d brought who to the formal and why that was so scandalous, oh my god, my mind wandered.
Starting this weekend, I’d have to pack up my apartment, I thought as I took a bite of a 'salmon-cream-cheese thing'. Realistically, I probably didn’t have that much stuff, and if Rob was rattling around Sarah’s house looking for things to do, maybe I could enlist him to help load up my car. My car, I thought, thinking of the huge repayments on it. I was going to have to sell that, too. There was a lot of stuff I could sell, actually. I wanted all new things. Things that Mum didn’t ‘help’ me choose.
There was so much to do, and, surprisingly, the more I thought about it, the more I found I was looking forward to it.
Later in the evening when we’d been joined by a couple more of Bree’s friends, Bree leant over to me and whispered, “You’re okay, right? Like, with everything? You’re not too stressed out? If you are we can just go home.”
I looked around me and shook my head. “No one can tell,” I said. “Or if they can, they don’t care. It's fine.”
“Told you,” Bree said smugly, giving me a quick cuddle. I kissed her head and then released her back to talk to her friends, watching her. Despite all the awful shit with Andrej, she looked happy. I wanted it to stay that way, and that probably meant she'd need a lot of support. Luckily, I had the headspace to give it to her now. Because she'd helped me get here.
Fuck, where the hell would I have been without her, though? Answering myself, I decided I'd probably just have been shut in at home pretending everything was great, and definitely never telling anyone about anything. I was so glad I was here now, in my suit, and not shut up in a house hating myself.
I surveyed the crowd, looking at all the other neat suits and pretty dresses. Everyone seemed relaxed and happy, and not one single student was paying any attention to me. I was invisible, and there was no feeling in the world better than that.
It meant that I fit in.
Bree and her friends were locked in enthusiastic conversation about university, part-time jobs, exams... all the things I'd expect to hear from final year students. Everyone around me was. They were all excited. They were all about to leave school and go out into the world to do the things they'd always wanted to do and be the people they'd always imagined they'd be. And this time I was joining them. For once, I wasn't hunched in a corner, hoping no one would notice me. I was joining them.
Sydney College of the Arts, I thought, enunciating it in my head. Master of Fine Arts. I was actually going to do it, I was going to be the artist I'd always wanted to be. I didn't have to waste away in an office anymore. I didn't have to slave away at a job I was just pretending to enjoy. Someone had hit the reset button in my life and I could play it all over, and this time, this time I was going to get it right.
It was just so completely exhilarating. I was excited about university. I was excited about my future, it wasn't just something that was happening to me. I had friends who supported me, a wonderful girlfriend who adored me, and an invitation to a top arts school in my pocket. Most importantly, I wasn't pretending anymore; I didn't have to. This was who I was, this. In a suit, with my fantastically flat chest and looking to all the world like any other guy in this hall.
This is how it was always supposed to be, I thought. This is how it should have always been.
And now, finally, it’s the way things are always going to be.
THE END
***
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
A. E. Dooland was born in 1981 in Adelaide, Australia. She moved to Melbourne as a preteen and despite having spent some time living abroad, she keeps finding herself back in Australia.
She has a series of unrelated qualifications and a diverse resume that includes acting, teaching, debt collecting, bookkeeping and accounting. You can now find her working with charities, supporting and advocating for families in financial crisis as a financial counsellor.
Her aspirations include changing the world, winning the lottery, and getting out more.
You can get access to free short stories, news and updates on upcoming web serials including the sequel to Under My Skin at aedooland.com
ALSO BY THE AUTHOR
Under My Skin
Flesh and Blood (forthcoming)
A FINAL THANKS TO OTHER FINANCIAL BACKERS
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Under My Skin Page 82
