“I want to know if you’re okay.”
Fuck. Not that again. “I’m fine. Just fuckin’ fine. Okay? Now go.” He made a shooing motion
A brow rose on his friend’s face, but the cowboy made no damn movement to go. In fact, the pain-in-the-ass sat down on the bench and stared at him. Don’t sit. Kade sipped his coffee and held his buddy’s stare.
Finally, he shrugged at the tall oaf. “What?”
“You spouted the JFF.”
“What?” he repeated, beginning to wonder if he’d had a mini stroke. Some of what his buddy was saying wasn’t making sense.
“The JFF—just fucking fine. We don’t spout that shit when we’re fine, we spout it when we’re not. Got it?”
Kade rubbed his temples and groaned. “No, what I have is a headache. A six-foot-four-inch headache.”
“That’s only because you’re special.”
“Jesus, Connor! I’m not special.” He jumped to his feet and began to pace. “I’m far from special. Okay?”
“No, it’s not okay. And neither are you, Kade.” Connor was on his feet, grabbing his shoulders before he could blink. “The sooner you realize it and get help, the better. I’m worried about you, man.”
Christ. That last sentence got him. He sucked in a deep breath and let it out slow before he met his buddy’s gaze. “Sorry, Connor. I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m just tired,” he said, slapping the man’s arm.
“I can see that.” He hesitated before releasing him. “I know today’s a tough day. If you want to blow it off, get drunk—beat the shit out of boulders. I’m your man.”
A smile tugged his lips as a flicker of humor reached his soul. “Thanks. I’ll keep it in mind. But I’m fine.”
His buddy cocked his head. “As long as you’re not just fucking fine. Remember, no JFF.”
“Right.” His smile broadened. “No JFF. Got it.”
“So…no beer?” Disappointment skittered through the man’s gaze.
He shook his head. “No beer. I’m on duty.”
“Damn. Guess I’ll have to go rustle up some cattle, then.” Connor slapped his shoulder. “Call if you change your mind.”
“Will do.”
He walked the man to the door, mostly to make sure the guy actually left the building. He really did have one hell of a headache and just wanted to put his head down on his desk for a few minutes without undergoing the third degree. Guilt immediately flooded his gut. He knew Connor only badgered out of concern.
Five minutes later, he lifted his head from his desk to find a pair of shrewd brown eyes studying him. Another damn McCall.
His deputy leaned against the closed door, arms folded across her chest, gaze unyielding. When the hell had she walked in? And closed the door?
Straightening up, he played dumb. “Something wrong? We get a call?”
Her lips twitched. “No. Good try, though.” She held her hand up when he opened his mouth. “Save it. I’ve tried it all, and am an authority on masking feelings.”
Christ. Not her, too. “I have a headache. That’s all.”
“Bullshit. That is not all.”
Something in her gaze kept the retort from finding his lips. There was no pity in her expression. It was dark and haunting. Jesus. The woman did understand his pain. But how? She wasn’t in the military. Didn’t see combat. Didn’t lose a soldier...
His head snapped up. But she did lose a husband. To a bullet. In front of her.
He rose to his feet, crossed the office and pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry, Jordan. That had to be so tough.”
She was stiff for a moment, then hugged him, patting his back. “You got all that in a glance, huh?”
He nodded. Once you experience that kind of pain, guilt…it marks you forever.
“It was tough, but I got through it, and so will you.” She drew back to stare into his face. “It won’t be easy, but the pain does lessen. Life does go on. The guilt...doesn’t go away.”
Not what he wanted to hear.
“But it eases. Won’t always be as sharp. Won’t feel like you’re trying to breathe with a gut full of broken glass.”
Yeah, she did know exactly what he felt.
“The key to healing is to want to heal, Kade,” she said. “Admit to yourself that you need help, then get it.”
He didn’t need help. He needed to not feel that broken glass every damn time he sucked in a breath. Needed everyone to stop telling him he was going to be okay. Needed to stop seeing Sergeant Nylan’s face whenever he closed his eyes. Needed to stop seeing the dead man’s little girl every fucking time he turned a corner. Needed to stop seeing the dead man’s girlfriend every time he saw his own.
Blowing out another breath, he nodded.
With one last pat to his back, Jordan left him to his solitude.
She was right. He needed to do something. In fact, he was going to do just that, starting tonight.
Everything was not all right.
Brandi thought, after what they’d shared, what they’d showed, what they’d done to each other out on Kade’s land, everything was going to be okay. That they could get through anything.
She was wrong.
How could the two of them get through tough times if only one wanted to try?
It’d been three days since the barbeque. Three days since Kade Dalton had taken her out of herself and showed her his soul, shared his heart. Three days since she’d seen him.
After making love against the boulder, they’d gotten dressed and took a slow ride back to the ranch. It had been incredible. Riding on the back of a horse with Connor was not the same as riding on the back of a horse with Kade. She’d clutched him tight, felt his heart pounding under her palm, heard the strong beat against her ear...
And when they reached the ranch, the party was still going on. They’d danced, holding each other, barely moving, the connection so strong others noticed. Kevin had even commented he was staying the hell away from women and horses.
He needn’t worry.
She glanced at the clock on her living room wall. It was ten after eight. Kade was supposed to come by for dinner at seven. He was over an hour late. She blew out the two candles and stood. Same thing had happened last night. And the night before. Each time he’d called and said something about working late, or getting an unexpected call. Some were true, some weren’t. Tonight he hadn’t even bothered to call.
Her mind, her heart, held out hope that he was working and couldn’t get to a phone. But, being that his cell was always with him and it only took a few seconds to send a text, she let hope dwindle and faced the sting of reality. He was avoiding her. But why?
They’d connected. They’d opened up. They’d shared more than bodies.
A tear slipped down her cheek. She inhaled and swiped it away. It was the connecting, opening up, sharing that he was running from. She knew it to her soul, but didn’t know what to do about it.
Picking up her violin, she gave into her emotions and played until her heart hurt too much to continue. She stopped and pulled in a breath. Kade meant the world to her. She couldn’t just give up. There had to be something she could do to help him. To get him to seek the help he needed.
When a knock echoed through her little house, she set the violin and bow on the table and raced to the door. Please let it be him. She didn’t care that he was late. At least he came.
She opened the door and breathed a sigh of relief. It was him. Dark circles under his eyes, face pale, mouth drawn, he looked exhausted. Her heart ached for the man she loved.
“Kade.” She burrowed into him and held tight. “I was worried about you,” she said, then noticed he’d stiffened and didn’t return the hug. Drawing him into the house, she shut the door and frowned. “What’s wrong?”
He moved out of her grasp, glanced at the table and cursed. “I’m sorry, Brandi. You cooked dinner. I forgot.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.” He shoved a hand throu
gh his hair, then turned to face her. “And neither are we. That’s what I came here to tell you.”
Dear God. Her heart rocked hard in her chest. “What? That we aren’t okay?”
“Yes.”
“You’re wrong. You’re just scared.” She grabbed his arm and squeezed. “It’s okay. So am I. What we’re feeling—”
“Stop! Okay. Just stop it, Brandi.” He shook free. “I’m trying to break up with you. We’re done. You deserve better. End of story.”
“Are you kidding me?” She grabbed him again. “No way, Kade. I told you already. I deserve you. So, forget it. You’re not getting rid of me that easy. Just because you feel something is no reason to run. Whatever’s wrong, whatever’s going through that head of yours, we’ll deal with it together.”
“No.” He broke free again, then grabbed her by the arms. “Nothing is wrong except me for you. So let’s just cut our losses and move on.”
She palmed his chest. “Move on? Kade, I love you. I can’t move on. I won’t move on. Let me help you.”
“Ah, Jesus, Brandi. No. Just let me go. Quit clinging.” He pushed her away, strode to the table and cursed. “You don’t need me to be strong. You don’t need me at all.” He ran a hand over her violin and picked up her bow. “Look what you’ve accomplished. You are so strong. You’ve come so far. You don’t need me.”
“You’re wrong. I do need you. I love you and won’t let you go that easy. If you just got some counseling I’d go with you—”
“For fuck’s sakes, Brandi. Just stop!” He slammed the bow onto the table and a sickening snap resonated around them.
Her sharp inhale was nearly as loud. That had been a present from her mother.
His gaze fell to the broken bow hanging limply in his hand. “Christ, I’m sorry, Brandi. See what I mean? I’m a menace. Dangerous. You’re better off without me. Just fucking better off without me. Good bye.”
Before she could move, before she could even breathe, he’d set the limp wood on the table and walked out, leaving her as broken as her beloved bow.
Chapter Fourteen
The week of Kerri’s wedding arrived in a blur. In fact, the days since Kade had walked away all fell into each other, mostly because Brandi had been working her head off. It was either that or breakdown and cry.
So she’d jumped into her job with both feet, accepting all the work that had come her way in the six weeks that had past. No job was too little or too big. Thank God for Shayla. Boy, her friends weren’t kidding when they sang the redhead’s praises. The woman’s organizational skills and ability to multi-task allowed Brandi the opportunity to go full throttle.
Because of this, Kerri and Connor’s project was already halfway done. They had their own wing, own entrance, and construction had already started on their gourmet kitchen, and the master suite Connor had wanted once he’d seen Cole’s bathroom.
She smiled. Men. What was it with them and having sex in the shower? Of course, she’d enjoyed every bit of it with Kade…
Her heart clenched tight. Dammit. Once again, she’d forgotten. For a split second, her mind had hiccupped and overlooked the fact the man was no longer hers. Was no longer in the picture. Didn’t want to be with her. As much as she hated it, without him willing to even try, what could she do? It was hard to have a relationship when it was all one-sided. He didn’t want to fight for them. Didn’t want help. Until he did, he’d never let her in.
Tears burned her eyes and throat, but she quickly blinked them away as she walked across the street to the pub. Today was Kerri’s bachelorette party. And Connor’s bachelor party. The groom insisted on a combination of the two. She wasn’t sure why. Jordan said it had to do with something from his past. Whatever the case, it would be interesting, especially considering Kade was sure to be here. The two of them hadn’t told anyone about their split, though it wasn’t a secret. They just never said anything. And with the wedding so close, she had agreed to his request when they’d bumped into each other a few weeks back, not to put a damper on their friends’ special time. They didn’t want Kerri or Connor to have to worry about the two of them standing up together.
She’d only seen Kade alone, one other time. He’d knocked on the door the day after he’d walked out. For a brief, heart stopping minute, she’d thought he’d changed his mind. Was going to get help. Was going to let her stand by him while he got that help. Thought he’d come to his senses. He hadn’t. The sweet man had simply handed her a battered violin case.
Instead of replacing the bow, he’d gotten her a beautiful, vintage violin. He didn’t have to, she wasn’t angry. She knew it hadn’t been deliberate, a heat of the moment kind of thing, and told him as much, but he’d insisted and shoved the case in her hand, then turned and walked away. Just staring at the aged instrument, Brandi had felt the history, the affection, the story of everyone who ever owned the beauty, and chills had covered her flesh as a Charlie Daniels song had come to mind, “Talk To Me Fiddle.”
The man knew her so well. Knew she wouldn’t want a new one. He knew a loved, cherished, treasured violin was more important to her. What he hadn’t realized was how much the instrument had symbolized himself. Used, battered, bruised, but oh so loved, priceless and waiting for someone to come along and bring it to life. In the right person’s hands, a very precious gift. And he was a gift. God, why couldn’t the man see that?
She’d tuned the beauty and played it every night since.
Would today be tough? Yes. Would the wedding be tougher? Hell yeah. Would she get through it? Damn right, and her friends would be none the wiser.
Stepping inside, she pushed all sadness aside, determined to enjoy time with her friends as she was immediately hit with the delicious aroma of Kerri’s cooking. Something with garlic and barbeque and salsa. Her stomach rumbled. It hadn’t done that in weeks.
“Hi, Brandi,” Mrs. McCall said, coming up to give her a hug. “I understand you’re playing something you composed at the wedding. That is so sweet. I can’t wait.”
She smiled and nodded accordingly. “I hope they like it.”
“I’m sure they will, dear.” The woman led her toward the others at the bar having drinks. “Where’s Kade?”
“I don’t know,” she answered, as honest as possible. Her body relaxed. He wasn’t there yet. She had time to prepare and talk without the threat of tears overtaking her control. “I’m sure he’ll be here soon.”
Jordan approached, out of uniform, which meant Kade was on duty. Maybe he wasn’t going to be there after all.
And just like that, breathing became a little easier.
“Hi, Brandi. Here, let me,” her friend said, taking the purple wrapped gift from her arms to place on a nearby table laden with presents. “How’ve you been? I haven’t seen much of you lately.”
“Working.” She smiled as they walked toward the others. “With Shayla helping out, I’ve taken on two more projects.”
“Good for you,” Mrs. McCall said. “She’ll be down in a bit. Hannah and I are going to watch all the kids upstairs so everyone can have some fun.”
She nodded, already wishing she could head for the door. This was going to be a long afternoon.
The kitchen door opened and Kerri and Connor walked out with another happy couple and Mrs. Masters carrying a cute little boy.
“Oh, come on. Let me introduce you to my friends from California and my sweetheart of a godson.” Jordan grabbed her hand and tugged her toward the smiling crowd. “Shawn, Megan, this is Brandi.”
She shook their hands then turned to the little boy Jordan was now holding. “Well, hello there.”
“This is Eric.” Jordan beamed, kissing the little guy’s cheek. “He just had his first birthday two weeks ago.”
Brandi’s heart did some more of that tugging thing. She really missed Tyler. He’d been just a little older when she’d gotten custody. Of course, he didn’t have a sprinkling of red hair.
Again, the kitchen door opened, this time J
en and Brock came out, along with Cody, who carried a plate of cookies to the dessert table. Once he set the dish down, he turned to everyone all smiles.
“I got to taste the fiwst one,” he said. Spotting Brandi, he rushed over. “Bwandi! Whewe have you been?”
Laughing, she bent down to pick the little guy up. “I’ve been working. Boy, you’re getting big.”
He hugged her tight. “Can you wowk on something at ouw wanch so I can see you?” he asked...just as Kade stepped close.
She bit back a rush of tears. Shoot. When had he walked in? Her heart slammed into her ribs.
“Hey, buddy,” he said, taking the boy from her, gorgeous, smoky gaze guarded but friendly as he leaned in to kiss her cheek.
She knew it was for show. She really did. Tell that to her jumbled heart—the sucker raced out of control. And her body? Lordy, her body rejoiced at his elusive touch. It was her hot, swollen throat and numb tongue having trouble communicating. But luckily, she was spared from having to say something, or from anyone noticing her silence, when Kevin and Cole walked in carrying a suspicious looking package wrapped in red bandanas.
A smile tugged her lips at the groom’s unblinking, wide-eyed stare. Then his gaze shot to all three men.
Kade held his hands up. “Don’t look at me. This is all them.”
“Damn,” Connor grumbled. “That makes me real nervous.”
“And so it should,” Kevin said, then his face lit up as he walked over to talk to the Californians.
A few minutes later, Shayla walked in and the mothers of the bride and groom took the kids upstairs while everyone else lined up for food.
Apparently, she was going to be spared from having to sit next to Kade as they were gender segregated. Which was good. At least she might have the ability to taste her food today.
Jordan stood and addressed both tables. “Okay, so this is how it’s going to go down. We’ll each have our own little parties, then we’ll get together for some joint fun later.”
Brandi’s insides twisted to pretty much reflect the weariness in Shayla’s blue eyes. Yeah, neither of them were up for joint fun. She knew why she was leery, but was a bit curious as to her employee’s apprehension. Granted, like her, the redhead didn’t know the couple from California, but they seemed really nice. So, what was the problem? The woman was friends with everyone, well, except for Kevin. Which was odd. The easy-going cowboy loved everyone, and everyone loved him. Except Shayla.
Her Uniform Cowboy (Harland County Series Book 3) Page 24
