“Talk to us. What’s going on in that head of yours, cuz?”
“I don’t eat because I’m not hungry. And yes, I’m tired, but every time I close my eyes I see that damn soldier, or his fatherless kid, or…” He sucked in another breath, not ready to bring Brandi into the conversation.
“Why the hell hasn’t Brandi tried to help you?” Kevin asked, accusing tone way too pissy for Kade’s liking.
The woman was sweet, warm, loving and caring and didn’t deserve the attitude. He opened his eyes and glared. “Leave her out of it. She’s tried.”
“Ah hell, Cole, you were right.” His cousin sat back and shook his head. “The idiot did break up with her.”
How the hell did they figure that out?
Cole nodded, walking to a small bar in the corner to pour out three glasses of scotch. “Several weeks now, by my estimate.” The guy handed them out before settling his large frame against the desk, a red mark appearing on his jaw.
A sparkle of remorse trickled through his anger. He shook hit off. With the door no longer blocked, Kade contemplated his chances of escaping.
“Forget it, Dalton. It’s locked.” McCall held up the key before shoving it in his pants pocket. “So, drink up, and let’s talk.”
He downed the scotch, got up off the floor, and set the glass on the desk. “Done talking. Drank your damn drink, now let me out, or I’ll break down the damn door.”
“Kade, look at you.” Kevin jumped to his feet and shook his head. “You need help, man. Professional help.”
“Oh, for the love of Christ, would everyone just stop fucking saying that?” He began to pace, walls closing in, heat overtaking his body. “What I need is to be left the hell alone. Why won’t you all just leave me the hell alone, already?”
“Because we love you, you idiot,” Kevin stated. “Everyone is worried. Your family, your friends, Brandi.”
He stilled and stared at his cousin.
“Who the hell do you think came to us, asking us to intervene?”
Anger set his already heated blood to boil. Dammit. “Why doesn’t that woman leave well enough alone?”
Kevin shrugged. “Like I said, she loves you.”
“She needs to stop.”
Cole laughed. “It doesn’t work that way. Believe me, I tried it once. Women are more fucking stubborn than men.”
Kade snorted, not at all amused, but in total agreement. Especially since it was the truth.
“And that woman loves you, so you might as well accept it.”
“No way,” he protested. “She deserves better. I won’t let her.”
More laughing. “Listen to you, you idiot.”
McCall nodded. “You don’t let women do anything.”
“She needs to move on. I’m not worth it.”
“That’s fucking bullshit,” Kevin said, curling his fists. Anger glistened in his cousin’s eyes.
Kevin never curled his fists. He didn’t even know his cousin knew how to make one.
“You’re letting the guilt win.”
He blinked at the guy. “Yes, because I am guilty.”
“Of what? Being human?” Cole asked. “Then we’re all guilty.”
He twisted around and glared again. “It’s not the same and you know it.”
“You’re right. I do.” His friend nodded. “So, you’re saying it is my fault Bess died.”
“What?” He tossed his hands in the air, beyond disgusted with the conversation. “No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. This has nothing to do with you or your first wife.”
“Sure it does. It was my fault Bess was on the road that night, therefore it’s my fault she was hit by the truck.”
“You know, I don’t have to listen to this shit. Let me out of here.” He strode to the door.
“Why? Because you’re not the only one who lives with guilt and you don’t want to hear it?”
He twisted around and glared at his captors. “Are you going to let me out or do I need to take the key from you?”
“Jesus, Kade. Calm down,” Kevin frowned.
“I am fucking calm. Now let me out.”
“No,” Cole stated calmly. “If you’re guilty of that soldier’s death, then I’m guilty of Bess’ death. Jordan’s guilty of Eric’s death.”
“And I’m guilty of my dad’s death.”
Kade reeled back with Cole to stare at Kevin. “What?”
“It was my fault he was in that pasture,” his cousin said, tone low and sad. “I was supposed to put those horses out before school that day. I forgot, so Dad did it and…”
“Christ, Kevin, you were just a kid.” Kade clamped a hand on his cousin’s shoulder, heart squeezed tight at the thought of the guy carrying around the unfounded guilt for years. “How were you to know something would spook your dad’s horse and he’d hit his head?”
“How were you to know the enemy would open fire on that convoy, in that sector, on that day?” Kevin remarked. “Did you think by doing your job and ordering your men to do theirs, they wouldn’t come to any harm? You were in a war, for God’s sake, Kade.”
He shook his head. In fact, his whole body shook. “It’s not the same.” They just didn’t get it.
“It’s exactly the fucking same,” Kevin barked. “What? Only you get dibs on guilt? Hell no. It’s like Cole said, we all carry some kind of guilt. Doesn’t make us bad. Just makes us human.”
His friend pushed from the wall and turned to face him. “You think you deserve to be punished, so by living with the pain, your suffering is justified.”
Kade inhaled and nodded. That was exactly what he thought.
“Here.” Cole handed him a business card.
“What’s this?”
“The name of a therapist.”
Son-of-a-bitch... His insides squeezed so tight he swore they were now on the outside.
“She’s mine.”
He blinked at the serious brown gaze. He hadn’t expected that.
“She’s good.”
Kevin touched his arm. “You need to get help.”
“Think about it,” Cole urged. “Your family needs you. Your friends need you. Harland County needs you. Brandi needs you. But if you let this guilt eat up anymore of you, then there won’t be anything left but bitterness. I know. I was a bastard for months.”
“Years,” Kevin corrected.
Kade grunted. Cole had been really bad. God, was he acting like that?
“Yes.” His cousin nodded as if reading his mind. “It’s getting to the point where Cody’s afraid to ask you a question.”
“What?” His heart dropped. “I never realized…” He sank down into the nearest chair.
“You’ve been worse lately, snapping at everyone.” Kevin slipped into the chair at his side. “My guess, about the time you left Brandi.”
He sucked in a breath. Hearing it in laymen’s terms brought it home a lot harder. “I can’t be with her. Can’t subject her to my…”
“Bad moods?” Cole nodded. “Then you need to ask yourself a tough question, my friend.”
Kade inhaled. Jesus, he didn’t want to ask what he knew he had to ask. “What question?”
“Knowing you’re causing your family, friends, and the woman who loves you to suffer...” Cole folded his arms across his chest and held Kade’s gaze. “You have to ask yourself, who’s pain is more important? Yours? Or theirs? Because you can’t put an end to theirs, without stopping yours first.”
Chapter Fifteen
Brandi stared at her computer screen, watching her brother’s mouth move, but only half-hearing what he had to say during their call. It had been two weeks since Kerri’s wedding. Two weeks since she’d approached Kevin and the McCall brothers for help. Two weeks since Kade’s intervention.
God, she hoped he didn’t hate her.
She just hadn’t been able to stand by and watch the man she loved deteriorate any more. Her heart sat heavy and broken in her chest. He wouldn’t listen. Wouldn’t
get help. She didn’t have a choice. So she approached Connor and Cole and Kevin. Now, she could only wait, and hope it worked.
“Then I told Santa to stop on by your place and take a picture so the aliens on the moon would know what you looked like.”
She nodded to Ben. “That’s nice.”
“Earth to Brandi.” Her brother snapped his fingers incessantly in front of the computer. “Hey. Snap out of it. What gives, sis?”
Blinking, she focused on his handsome face, noting concern darkening his gaze. “What do you mean?”
“I mean I’ve been talking for a good ten minutes and am lucky if you heard ten words.”
She smiled and held up her hand. “Five, only five were worth noting.”
“Oh?” He arched a brow and sat back in his chair. “And what were they?”
“You coming home for Thanksgiving?”
He grinned. “I don’t know, are you?”
“Ha ha, very funny.”
“I thought so.” He winked. “Clever, too.”
“Oh, brother.”
“Yes?”
Smiling, she shook her head. Ben always could get her to laugh. No matter how rotten she felt. Like now. Her smile faded.
“All right. Who is it I need to come down there and rough up? Kade?”
Her heart squeezed. Hearing his name out loud brought memories, touches, feelings into the open. God, it hurt. “No. No one.”
“You two still seeing each other?”
She shrugged, then shook her head, trying to work past her hot throat. “Not really.”
He straightened up and moved closer to the screen. “Then come on home, Brandi. At least for the holiday. A change of scenery will do you good. You know Tyler misses you.”
Her strangled heart tightened further. Damn. Ben didn’t play fair. “That was low.”
“No, it was the truth. And we all miss you. Come on up. Snow will probably be on the ground by then. You might even be able to get some skiing in before you head back to Texas. If you go back.”
“No if’s about it. This is my home now.” She could never leave Kade. He needed her. Hell, she needed him. He was her heart.
“Then come to the Poconos for a visit,” he said. “At least promise me you’ll think about it.”
Nodding, she inhaled and let it out slowly. “I’ll think about it.”
No harm in thinking. Didn’t mean she’d be doing.
After ending the call, she walked to the kitchen and stared out the window over the sink. In the distance, whitecaps crashed into the shore as wind whipped the waves into a frenzy.
Boy, could she relate.
A sharp rap on the door brought her attention back inside the house. Maybe it was Kade. She turned and rushed to answer, then did her best to keep the disappoint from her face when she found Kerri, Jordan and Shayla, holding a bundled up Amelia, standing on the porch instead.
“Hey.” She moved aside. “This is a surprise. Is something wrong?”
“You tell us,” Jordan replied, stepping inside. “You were supposed to meet us for coffee and cake a half-hour ago.”
Shoot. “Sorry. I was on Skype with Ben and it slipped my mind.”
“No problem, hun. I’ll put the coffee on.” Her friend smiled then made her way to the kitchen.
“Yep, we brought dessert here.” Kerri held up a plate with a mouthwatering chocolate cake begging to be devoured. “And it’s only a hundred calories a slice.”
“You are a goddess,” she said. Shutting the door, she turned to help Shayla remove Amelia’s coat. “And you are a sweetheart.”
The redhead placed her daughter’s coat on the couch. “She couldn’t wait to come over to see Mozart.”
“Oh, I know. It’s all about the cat.”
A smile tugged Brandi’s lips as she watched him get up from his spot in front of the lit fireplace and stretch before walking toward the little girl. Having been around Tyler, the cat was used to being roughed up, and was surprisingly gentle with the toddler.
“So, how is your cute brother?” Jordan asked.
“Which one?”
Shayla raised a brow. “You have more than one cute brother?”
“Actually, I have four very handsome, very single brothers,” she informed.
“Damn.” Her assistant sighed.
“Ben is fine. He’s trying to get me to go to Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving.”
Shayla picked up her daughter and walked into the kitchen. “And you’re not?”
“No.”
“Why?” Kerri frowned, placing cake on plates. “Your family must miss you.”
“Yeah, but I... I don’t feel right leaving.”
Jordan pulled four mugs out of the cupboard and glanced at her. “Because of Kade?”
She nodded, tears heating her damn throat again.
“Hey, honey, come here.” Kerri pulled her in for a hug. “It’s okay. He’s going to come around. I’m sure of it.”
“I’m glad you are, because I just don’t know.” She sniffed. “It’s been weeks since we really talked. I cornered him at your wedding, but I doubt he heard what I had to say.”
Her friend squeezed tighter. “I’m sure he did.”
“You should go,” Jordan said.
She drew back and stared at the woman pouring coffee. “Where? Pennsylvania?”
“Yep. In fact. You need to go.”
Now Kerri was nodding.
“Yeah,” her assistant agreed.
And Brandi just stood there shaking her head, her heart hurting so bad she couldn’t find the words. God, she couldn’t leave. What if Kade needed her? What if he showed up here and she was gone? No. She was staying.
Jordan took her hand and tugged her toward a kitchen chair. “Listen. I know it hurts. Hurts like a son-of-a-bitch. But don’t you see? Kade needs to not have you around.”
“I haven’t been around him.”
“It’s not the same.” The woman shook her head. “You need to be out of Texas. I had to do the same thing last year. And yes, it was very tough, but Cole needed to realize he needed me in his life. He had to come to that conclusion on his own. The same goes for my boss.”
Kerri nodded, passing her a plateful of cake that, at the moment, would probably taste like cardboard.
“Yes,” the cook said. “Once he realizes you’re not here, and he won’t run into you at Shadow Rock, or my house, or the pub, reality will set in.”
“I-I don’t know.” She glanced at three eager faces. “If I go, I can only go for a few days. I have too much work started here. I can’t leave for more than that.”
“Sure you can,” Shayla said, settling her daughter on her lap. “I can handle things. Just tell me what needs to be done and by when, and I’ll make sure it happens.”
“See? Perfect.” Jordan nodded. “Now, let’s make plans over chocolate.”
The day before Thanksgiving, Kade sat in his office, playing solitaire on his phone. Since hiring Jordan, more than half of his workload had disappeared. He swore some days his deputy stared at the phone, wishing someone would commit a crime so she had something to do.
Less of a workload was better these days. Less work, less stress. According to Doc Carrington, the therapist Cole had recommended and Kade had been seeing for the past six weeks, less stress was a plus for him right now.
After returning stateside earlier this year, he’d seen a round of shrinks, as per protocol, but it had stopped with their mobilization. And hadn’t helped. Mainly because he’d need more. Much more, he’d recently realized, but with a backlog of over several hundred thousand soldiers inputted into the system, most were going untreated. Like him.
Having brought that dilemma to Cole’s attention, his friend had started a foundation through McCall Enterprises for returning Veterans to seek the help they needed.
The Bobby Nylan Foundation.
Slowly, he was getting back on track. Breathing no longer hurt. The constant knot in his gut had disappeared, and
his headaches had lessened. Now, if he could just do something about the damn ache in his chest and unrelenting need for a certain designer, life would rock. But he was determined to stay out of Brandi’s life. Give her a chance to meet someone normal. Someone who wasn’t broken. Someone who didn’t need a damn therapist just to get through the day.
Okay, things were not that bad anymore. In fact, they were rather good. He’d gone from meeting three times a week, to once a week. And sleeping had returned to normal. No more nightmares, just dreams of Brandi and how incredible she’d tasted and felt, and how wonderful she’d made him feel.
Christ... He shut down the game and tossed his phone on the desk. He needed to stop thinking about her if he was to move on, too.
“Sheriff Dalton?”
Head snapping up, he was surprised to find Shayla standing in his doorway. Then alarm set in and he jumped to his feet. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”
“I’m fine.” She sent him a reassuring smile. “I just wanted to talk to you about something.”
He nodded and pointed to a chair. Okay, so it wasn’t her deadbeat dad. “Sure. Sit down. What can I do for you?” Shutting the door, he noted there were only a few tight bands squeezing his chest in her presence.
Progress. Something to report to the doctor at his next appointment.
“I wanted to talk to you about Bobby.”
More bands appeared, and brought their friends. Shit. He tried to pull in a few breaths before breathing became a chore. Funny how mentioning her dead boyfriend had increased the stranglehold.
Kade retook his seat and stared across the desk at the woman. “What about him?”
“I’m sorry,” she said, twisting the bracelet around her wrist. “I should’ve told you sooner, but I needed the healthcare for Amelia, and I was worried the truth would’ve affected her coverage.”
Healthcare?
He cocked his head and frowned. That was certainly not what he’d expected the woman to say. “Told me what, exactly?”
She drew in a deep breath and continued to play with the bracelet. “That Bobby was never my boyfriend…or Amelia’s father.”
Her Uniform Cowboy (Harland County Series Book 3) Page 26
