“Zane,” she said with the tiniest of nods.
“I was going to say hi at the wake, but you ran out of there pretty fast.” I studied her face, waiting to see a reaction I recognized.
“Yeah, it was getting crowded,” she said emotionlessly.
“Well, it’s good to see you,” I said tentatively, desperate to crack the ice so that I could see the real Alicia again. “I’m sorry about your uncle.”
“Thank you,” she said, her voice still cold.
“How are your parents taking it?” I asked.
“They’re fine. Sad. Like all of us.”
“Well, the wake was nice. They did a great job. I’m sure Jimmy would have loved it.”
“You didn’t even know him.”
“No, but I knew of him,” I reminded her. “You told me stories about your whole family, remember?”
“That was a long time ago, Zane. Things have changed.”
“Like what?” I asked. I knew she could hear the desperation in my voice; Alicia always knew me better than I knew myself.
“Everything.” She sighed. “Everything has changed.”
I walked silently beside her. There were so many things I wanted to say, but none of them felt important enough. I glanced over at her every few seconds, hoping to catch her looking at me, but she never did. Her blue eyes sparkled in the sunlight and she looked angrier than I’d ever seen her.
Shit.
Nevertheless, it amazed me how someone could be so angry and so beautiful at the same time. Even when she wouldn’t look at me and wanted nothing more than for me to go away, she was the most gorgeous woman I’d ever seen.
“Not everything…You’re still just as beautiful as ever,” I said, immediately regretting my words when she flinched. “I’m sorry.”
“What do you want, Zane?”
“I just wanted to see you. To talk to you.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s been five years…”
“I know,” Alicia said, her voice tight. “Which is why I don’t understand what good this will do. Why bother coming to Jimmy’s wake? Or chasing me down now?”
“I told you, I just wanted to see you.”
She glared into the distance, tightening her arms around her chest and picking up her pace—her way of telling me it was time for me to go away.
But now that I was finally talking to her, I didn’t want to stop.
“No one told me you were back in town,” I said, knowing I sounded stupid, but unable to stop myself. The words were flying out of my mouth at a warped speed, and I just wanted to hear her voice again.
“Why would they? You’re not important to me anymore, Zane.”
The venom in her voice was like a punch to the stomach. My eyes never left her face. I waited to see if she would thaw even slightly, but she didn’t. Her eyes remained focused on the sidewalk in front of us, and she didn’t spare so much as a glance my way.
For years, I’d dreamt of what it would be like to see her again. I played her voice over and over in my mind when I was out on a mission or whenever training became too monotonous. It kept me calm and centered; my memories of her had been my anchor.
Yet now, when I was finally getting the chance to be with her, she couldn’t even look at me.
Rage filled my body and my face flushed. I told myself to stay calm—that she was just hurting after the way things ended between us. To me, we’d always had a future, but to her, it must have felt completely different.
Still, my disappointment got the best of me, and the longer she refused to look at me, the angrier I became. “Well, I clearly don’t mean anything to you,” I said, frustrated. “You couldn’t even call. Couldn’t pick up the phone after all these years, huh? After all the letters I wrote you?”
“No. And I never should have come back,” she said.
“Why?” I spat.
“So that I could keep avoiding all of this! You trying to pull me back in. Make me your girl again. I am not your girl Zane. And I never will be.”
“We’ll see about that.” The words left my mouth before I realized what I was saying. While she brought out the best in me, she could also bring out the worst. In just a matter of minutes, my long-suppressed cockiness had reared its ugly head again. I knew it had been a mistake to let those words slip out, but I didn’t regret them.
At last, Alicia came to a full stop and faced me head-on, her eyes narrowed dangerously. “What did you just say?”
Emboldened, I stared her right in the eyes. “I said you’ll be mine again, Alicia.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“You’ve been wrong before,” I muttered as I turned to walk away.
Alicia was my new mission, and this time, I refused to fail.
CHAPTER 12
Alicia
“Adam, I’ve been dreaming about these scones for so long,” I said into my phone. “You have no idea how amazing these things are.”
“Well, bring me back a few.”
“Oh, I’m bringing back a dozen!” I assured him.
“That’s the fatty I know and love!”
“Watch it,” I warned. “You know I can fire you.”
“You know you never would,” he said confidently.
I rolled my eyes and stepped farther forward as the line at Angel’s began to move.
After my encounter with Zane the day before, I needed an Angel’s fix to get my day started. I’d woken feeling younger than I had in years. Just one conversation with Zane and I was back to my old self again, vulnerable and exposed.
I hated it.
“How was the funeral?” Adam asked, snapping me back to reality.
“It was… fine,” I said and then shook my head. I tried to clear my thoughts, but images of Zane flooded my mind. I could see his smiling face the night he told me about the Savage Soldiers assignment he’d been selected for. I could see him flushing with rage just a few hours before, his dark eyes angrier than I’d ever seen them.
“Uh oh,” Adam said.
“What?”
“I know what that means.”
“Oh, really?” I said with a small chuckle. “And what does it mean?”
“It means you ran into that old flame of yours. Zack? Zane? Something like that.”
I sighed deeply and looked up at the ceiling. I would never know how Adam did it, but he could always hone in on the one thing I didn’t want to talk about; it was like he had a sixth sense.
“What old flame?” I asked evasively.
Adam snorted on the other end, not buying my act. “Talk to me, sweetie,” he said, putting on his therapist voice. “Come on. Tell me everything.”
“There really isn’t much to tell. I saw Zane and I ran away. He found me. We talked. Then he ran away. The end.”
“That is so not the end. You saw Zane for the first time in years, and that’s all you have to say about it? Please.”
“Don’t push this, okay?”
“Alicia, I only do this because I love you.”
“I know you do, but—”
“And because I love you,” he interrupted, “it’s my job to help you deal with these things. But I can’t do that if you don’t talk to me.”
“What makes you think I need help dealing with it?” I demanded.
“Honey, we both know you can’t be trusted to do this on your own.”
I sighed again. “Okay. Fine.”
“Thank you.”
“Well,” I began, moving a step forward in line, “he came to my uncle’s wake. Just walked right in wearing a black suit and—”
“How did he look?”
“Handsome. Amazing, actually.”
“Swoon,” Adam cooed. “Continue.”
“He walked in, we made eye contact, and I bolted. I ran out as fast as I could. Didn’t stop running until I’d made it two streets over.”
“Why?” Adam asked, his tone suggesting I was certifiably insane.
“Bec
ause I’m chicken shit! I couldn’t face him. Not after everything…”
“But you said you talked? So did he follow you or something? Oh my god—did he actually run after you? Because that would just melt my heart.”
“No, he didn’t follow me.” I scoffed. “That’s not Zane’s style.”
“Maybe it wasn’t five years ago, but you don’t know what his style is now.”
“I guess that’s true. But in any case, he didn’t follow me. I went back to the pub and found my mom. Everyone else was gone, so I decided to walk home. He found me in the town square.”
“What did he say?”
I rolled my eyes. “Nothing important. This isn’t a love story, Adam. You aren’t going to be able to live vicariously through me on this one.”
“I refuse to believe that,” Adam said dismissively. I could almost see him waving his hand impatiently. “Well, what did he say then?”
“He said he was sorry for my loss, that it was good to see me, and that I looked beautiful… That kind of thing.”
“Swoon!”
“Don’t do that!” I said, annoyed. “He didn’t mean any of it. He was just playing into some script in his head that he’s been carrying around. He left me, remember?”
“And then he came back.”
“No. I came back. And now I’m wishing I hadn’t.” I sighed deeply and moved another step forward. It was almost my turn to order and I was ready to get off the phone with Adam, but he wasn’t done talking.
“Alicia,” he said, “listen to me, okay? Don’t let this become one of those things you don’t deal with.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You hide,” he said bluntly. “It’s what you do when things get rough. You run. You hide. You avoid. You, Alicia Joppa, are an avoider.”
“I am not.”
“You are too,” Adam insisted. “And that’s okay. I get it. You’ve had to stay strong any way you could. But maybe it’s finally time for you to let your guard down.”
“With Zane?”
“Yes, with Zane,” he hissed. “Are you telling me you don’t have any questions for him? That you haven’t thought about him once over the past five years?”
“Of course, I have, but—”
“But nothing. This is your chance, Alicia. All the unanswered questions you have—go get answers. And please, this time, don’t be mean to him.”
“How do you know I was mean to him?”
“Weren’t you?”
I closed my eyes for a fraction of a second, ashamed. “I was a total immature bitch.”
“I know,” Adam said. “So next time, be nice. Just talk to him. See what happens.”
“And you’re sure that won’t open doors that are better left locked?”
“It might,” he admitted, “but how will you know if you never take the chance to find out?”
“You’re annoying.”
Adam laughed. “Don’t I know it.”
“I gotta go. I’m next in line.”
“Don’t forget my scones! Talk soon. Love ya.” He hung up right as I stepped up to the counter.
I glanced at the display case before me, my mouth immediately watering. “I’ll have one lemon scone and one apple raisin, please,” I ordered with a smile.
“We haven’t seen you around lately,” Angel said. “How have you been, Alicia?”
“I’ve been good. Busy with work and things, but good.”
“That’s nice to hear.” She smiled kindly at me, making me remember why I loved her place. Everything felt so homey and comfortable, and the aroma of vanilla and cinnamon was so strong, you could smell it down the street. I loved it. “That’ll be $4.95,” she said.
I reached into my purse for my wallet but couldn’t find it. Confused, I wrenched the purse wide open and peered inside. I slapped my hand to my forehead, realizing I had left my wallet in my parents’ kitchen. I’d been in such a hurry to leave the house that I hadn’t grabbed it.
“Everything all right?”
“I’m so sorry, Angel,” I sputtered. “I must have left my wallet at home…”
“I got it,” a voice said from behind me. I spun around to see Zane stepping out of line and making his way toward me. “Add a small coffee to that, please Angel.”
She smiled. “You got it.”
Zane laid a ten-dollar bill on the counter and waved away his change. He then picked up his coffee and my scones, leading the way outside. By the time we stepped onto the sidewalk, I was blushing with embarrassment.
“Thank you,” I said as he handed over my bag of scones. Our hands accidentally brushed, making me blushed deeper.
“You helped me bypass the line, so technically, I owe you,” he said with a smile.
“If you say so,” I said, laughing lightly.
“You’re laughing,” he pointed out. “I guess that means you don’t hate me as much today.”
“I’m sorry about yesterday,” I said. “You just… You took me by surprise, that’s all. I didn’t think I would ever see you again. I wasn’t ready.”
“It’s okay. I probably deserved at least some hostility from you.”
I smirked. “Well yeah, just a smidge.”
Zane laughed and nervously glanced around. He shifted his feet from side to side and tucked his free hand into his pocket. When our eyes met again, I saw a glimpse of the man I once knew. His dark eyes were so deep with unspoken emotion, I couldn’t bring myself to look away.
“Listen,” he said, “Alicia, I…”
“Do you want to sit down somewhere?” I interrupted. “You know, to catch up a little bit?”
Zane smiled. “I would love that.” He gestured toward the benches across the street and I led the way, my scones gripped tightly in my shaking hands.
When we slid onto the bench, Zane took a sip of his coffee and I pulled out my lemon scone, taking a bite to avoid talking too quickly.
“So,” I said a few minutes later, “tell me everything.”
CHAPTER 13
Zane
I didn’t expect to see her again so soon, but there she was—standing at the counter with flushed cheeks. She was searching frantically in her purse for her wallet. When she mumbled something to Angel, I moved forward without thinking. The next thing I knew, she was apologizing for being rude the day before, and asking me to sit down to talk.
I couldn’t believe how quickly things changed between us when not even twenty-four hours beforehand, she couldn’t wait to get away from me.
“Tell me everything,” she’d said as we sat down together.
I sipped my coffee as she nervously nibbled her scone.
“Honestly,” I said, “I’d love to, but I really want to hear about you first. What’s your life like in New York?”
She hesitated for a fraction of a second, glancing nervously at me with a shy smile before launching into her story.
“It’s amazing,” she said. “When I passed the bar, I didn’t expect to be hired anytime soon. I thought I would have to wait months or even years before a decent firm picked me, but it wasn’t even a week. Calvin and Pullman called me in on a Monday for an interview. Then they offered me the position the next day. It felt like a dream, Zane. Sometimes I still can’t believe it actually happened. I sit in my office in awe that I actually ended up there. Who would have thought, you know? No matter how much I dreamt of it, I don’t think I ever believed I would make it out of Savage.”
“I always knew you would. You were made for something more. I’m proud of you, Alicia,” I said, meaning every word. “You’re doing exactly what you’ve always wanted to do. That’s amazing. Plus, I bet life in New York City is pretty exciting.”
She laughed. “Not exactly.”
“No?”
She shook her. “When I’m not working, I’m just at home. I don’t get out much.”
“That’s surprising. I figured you would be dating at least.”
“I do… A little.”
“Nothing serious?”
“Not since you.”
Good, I thought selfishly. I didn’t think I could take it if she’d found someone new.
She stared down at the scone in her hand and we fell into an awkward silence. A stray curl fell into her face and I had to fight the urge to brush it aside.
She was still so damn beautiful.
“What else has been going on?” I pressed. “Any new friends in the city?”
“Just my assistant, Adam. He’s my best friend.”
I grinned. “You have an assistant? Fancy.”
She laughed. “It’s not as exciting as it sounds. He’s more like an annoying little brother than anything.”
“Sounds like fun.”
Alicia nodded. “It is. As cliché as it sounds, I’m really happy. I love my life.”
“That’s wonderful.” I was smiling like an idiot, but couldn’t help it. Just sitting with her made me feel at ease. The tension left my shoulders for the first time in months. I could have sat there with her all day without ever getting bored.
“Your turn,” she said suddenly.
I took a sip of my coffee and hesitated. There were so many things I wanted her to know, but even more that I didn’t. She was finally speaking to me, we were catching up, and she seemed to hate me less; I didn’t want to ruin things by revealing my shortcomings.
CHAPTER 14
Zane
“There’s not much to tell,” I said with a shrug. “I’ve been working. I retired a few months ago.”
Alicia raised her eyebrows in surprise. “You did? Why?”
“There was a mission,” I began slowly. “Some things happened that shouldn’t have and my team was pretty messed up about it. We tried to stick it out, but in the end, we just weren’t the same men anymore. I was discharged honorably four months ago.”
“How was it?” she asked. “Before that? I mean, you spent your entire life waiting to be a Savage Soldier, traveling the world. What was it like?”
“It was…” I searched for the right words, “complicated, I guess. That’s the best way to describe it.”
Hopeless Hero_A Bad Boy Military Romance Page 5
