by L A Cotton
“A suspension and some lame educational program for sexting is not paying her dues.”
“They kicked her off the squad, Peyton, and she’ll have to attend weekly sessions with Mrs. B.” I’d heard Dad tell my mom. “And it’s on her permanent record. It could affect her college applications.”
For a girl who cared more about reputation and social status than a moral conscience, it seemed like justice had been served.
Besides, I got the one thing she wanted and could never have.
She slowly approached us, hesitating. “Lily,” she said, and I settled my gaze on her.
“Yes?”
“I… I just wanted to say—”
Kaiden caught my eye over her shoulder, and my smile lifted. Lindsey saw it, glancing down the hall, gasping as he walked right up to me and kissed me. I slid my hands up his chest, kissing him back with everything that I had.
I wasn’t weak little Lily Ford anymore.
I was brave and courageous and happy.
I was so freaking happy.
“Good morning, girlfriend,” Kaiden said, loud enough for Lindsey to hear. Maybe it was petty, to stoop to her level, but I didn’t care.
She had spent so long belittling me with her cruel words and callous actions. Making me feel unworthy and different.
The truth was, I was different.
And it was a gift.
I still had my bad days, the days when my mind was the enemy, making me question and doubt things. But I owned them. And with the help of Kaiden, and my family, and therapist, I could finally recognize my mental health disorders for what they were.
A part of me but not the whole of me.
“Hi, boyfriend.” I grinned up at him, Lindsey long forgotten.
Until Peyton blurted, “Holy crap, that was so fucking good. You should have seen her face.”
But it didn’t matter.
She didn’t matter.
“Anyway, I’ll leave you two love birds to it. I have an appointment with Mrs. B. Yay me.” She took off down the hall, and I frowned.
“You’re worried?” Kaiden asked.
“Yeah.” I let out a thin breath. “She’s hurting and I don’t know how to help her.”
“Is her mom still clean?”
“As far as I know. Peyton hasn’t said anything. And the social worker visits them. My dad made sure of it.”
“It’s probably hard for her.” He hugged me tighter. “Staying with your family and then having to go back there and realize everything she’s missing out on.”
A strange expression crossed his face, and my heart sank. “Kaiden, I’m sorry—”
“No, Lily. Don’t do that. My dad and Peyton’s mom, it’s not the same.” But as he said the words, I saw the doubt in his eyes. “I have everything I need right here.”
I leaned up on my tiptoes and brushed my lips over his. “I’ll love you enough for both of us, until he’s better.”
“I want to take you somewhere tonight.”
“You do?” My heart did a little somersault.
“Yeah. Will you come out with me, Lily?”
I looked at him. The boy I loved more than I ever thought possible and smiled. “Always.”
“Kaiden’s here,” I yelled, shucking on my jacket and making my way to the front door.
“Hang on a second, Lil.” Dad appeared at the end of the hall. “Where are you going?”
“Out.” I shrugged.
“Yeah, I gathered that. But where?”
“Mom,” I shouted. “He’s doing it again.” I fought a smirk.
“Lily, that’s not… I’m not—”
“Jase,” Mom came out of the kitchen. “I thought we agreed not to give Lily the third degree every time Kaiden takes her out?” She levelled him with a hard look.
“No, babe. You agreed. I grumbled something about it being a father’s prerogative to know exactly where her daughter is going with her sexually active horndog of a boyfriend.”
“Dad! Did you just call Kaiden a… horndog?” Laughter bubbled in my chest.
“Not the point here, Lily.”
“I’m sure Mom will listen to all your points, Dad. But I gotta go.” I ran over and kissed him on the cheek. “I love you. Bye.”
“Lily May Ford, you’ll be the death of me.”
“Jase,” I heard Mom say as I slipped out of the house.
Kaiden got out of his car and went around to open my door. He was a gentleman like that. “Why is your dad glaring at me out of the window like he wants to string me up by my balls?” He frowned.
“He’s feeling a little insecure.”
“Let me guess, someone brought up the video again?” He grimaced.
“I think Lindsey being back at school reminded him… He’ll get over it.”
“I hate to say it, Lily, but he probably won’t.”
I stole a kiss and slipped into the car, waiting for Kaiden. When he climbed inside, his hand automatically went to my knee, sending sparks through me. “Hi.”
“Hi.” I smiled. “Going to tell me where we’re going yet?”
“Nope, it’s a surprise.”
“Did you talk to your mom about Thanksgiving?”
“Yeah. She said she’ll think about it.”
“Well, you know she’s more than welcome to come.” We always spent the holiday with my cousins and the Bennets. Dad had suggested I invite Kaiden and his mom, so they didn’t have to spend it alone. We’d asked Peyton and Ms. Myers too, and Avery and Miley were hoping to come home, so it was going to be a big affair.
I watched the scenery roll by as Kaiden headed out of town. The second he pulled off the main road onto the dirt track I knew exactly where we were headed.
“The lake?”
“Yeah.”
“As long as you don’t expect me to go skinny dipping, it’s freezing.”
“Don’t worry,” he said, “I’ll keep you warm.”
My stomach clenched at his words.
The car rolled to a stop and Kaiden turned to me. “Remember the first time we came here?”
“You mean the first and only time?”
He rolled his eyes. “Smart-ass.” Kaiden took my hand, threading our fingers together. “I think I realized that day.”
“Realized?”
“Yeah, that I was falling for you.”
“You barely knew me.” I shook my head with disbelief.
“It didn’t matter. There was something about you, Lily. Something I craved more of.”
“Well, good thing for you I’m yours then, isn’t it?” I climbed over the stick and straddled his lap.
“You wore a skirt,” he said, letting his hands glide up my bare legs.
“Well, yeah.”
“But I thought you were cold.” His brow arched with suspicion.
“I am.” I leaned in, tracing my tongue over the seam of his lips. “Guess you’ll have to find a way to warm me up.”
“It would be my pleasure.” Kaiden nipped my bottom lip, soothing the sting with his tongue. His fingers inched higher, grazing the soft flesh of my thighs. A whimper spilled from my lips as he cupped me, grinding the heel of his palm over my clit.
“I want you,” I whispered.
“You have me, Lily. I’m yours.”
My fingers closed around his wrist, gently tugging his hand away. I found his jean button and popped it, dipping my hand inside and wrapping it around his rock-hard dick. Kaiden hissed as I pumped him a couple of times, leaning up on my knees as he shimmied his jeans down a little. Hooking my panties to the side, I dragged him through my wetness and then slowly sank down, inch by breathtaking inch.
We both groaned, our eyes locked on each other. “I love you,” I choked out, so full, so overwhelmed at the feel of him inside me.
Kaiden’s hand curved around my hips, gently rolling me over him. It was so intense, so deep like this. But I loved being able to see him, being able to stare at him as our bodies rocked together.
&nb
sp; My fingers slid into the hair at the nape of Kaiden’s neck as I touched my head to his, circling my hips faster.
“Fuck, Lily,” he rasped. “You feel…”
“I know,” I cried.
“You. Only ever you.”
The winter sun streamed through the window, glinting off the dog tags hanging around his neck. I ran my finger over the smooth metal, as he thrust up inside me, drenching me in pleasure. “Play hard…” I whispered. “Fight hard…” I kissed him. “Love hard.”
“Sounds like good advice to me,” Kaiden breathed the words against my lips and then no more words were spoken.
Because sometimes actions said everything you needed to say.
Peyton
My feet burned. It had been a grueling shift at the diner, but it was better than being here.
I’d thought moving home with my mom was the right thing to do, but it was like living with a ghost. Rehab had killed what little bit of spirit she had left, leaving behind a woman I barely recognized.
And when you’d watched your mom OD three times between the ages of six and sixteen, that was saying something.
“Mom, I’m home,” I called, throwing down my keys and kicking off my pumps, relishing the feel of the cool tiles against my sore feet. “Mom?”
I dug out my cell phone and checked my messages, laughing at the photo Bryan had sent of himself lying on his bed cuddling a soft toy with the caption ‘I’m so lonely.’ He was such a goofball. But he was also one of the best guys I’d ever met.
It was a shame I didn’t feel anything for him. He was like the big, older brother I never had—except he did this amazing trick with his tongue. A trick that meant I’d ended up in his bed far more than I should have the last couple of weeks. But it beat being here, wishing I had a family who loved me. A family who cared where I was and what I was doing.
I’d never had that. Except for the Fords. They cared. But they weren’t here, and I wasn’t there anymore, and I’d never felt more alone than I did in this godforsaken house.
“Mom?” I yelled this time. She was probably passed out on the sofa thanks to her post-rehab depression.
Sometimes I wondered why she even bothered. It wasn’t like she wanted to be clean. Or maybe she liked torturing me as much as possible. Getting clean and coming back into my life, making me feel obligated to move home and try to be a happy family.
It was all bullshit.
She didn’t want me before she went to rehab, and she certainly didn’t want me now. But part of me, the little girl who didn’t understand why her mom didn’t love her, had to try.
One last time.
Going into the kitchen, I checked the notepad stuck to the refrigerator but there was nothing. I texted Bryan back a photo of my feet and the caption ‘need an ice bath and a massage’ and threw my cell down on the counter.
Something wasn’t right. Everything looked the same, but something felt wrong. A chill ran down my spine as I went into the living room. I tried the downstairs bathroom next, and then moved upstairs.
“Mom?” She wasn’t in her bedroom.
My heart crashed wildly in my chest as I approached the bathroom, my fingers trembling as I reached for the door handle.
I knew.
Deep down inside, I knew what I would find on the other side of the door. Because that was life living with a drug addict. Always one second away from the next overdose or the next bad high.
But nothing could have prepared me for what I found when I opened the door.
“Mom?” I cried, rushing to her side and pulling her lifeless body into my arms. Blood was everywhere. Red and sticky, it coated her arms and the bathroom floor, getting all over me as I hugged her to me, rocking her back and forth.
“No,” I whimpered. “No… no, no.” Tears ran down my face, mixing with the blood, getting all over my diner-scented Cindy’s Grill blouse. “Wake up, Mom. You have to wake up now.” I smoothed her ratty, dull hair from her eyes. “If you leave me, I’m all alone. I’m all alone.”
She was the worst mom in the world.
But she was still my mom.
And she was lying here, in a pool of her own blood.
“Why?” I sobbed. “Why would you do this?” My tears turned to anger, to rage at a woman who had always loved her next high more than her own daughter. I shoved her limp body away from me and staggered to my feet, traipsing bloody footprints down the stairs as I went to retrieve my cell phone. Running my hands under the faucet, I dried them and picked it up.
“9-1-1 what is your emergency please?” The operator said.
I inhaled a sharp breath and said six little words that broke my soul in half.
“I’d like to report a suicide.”
I didn’t wait for the EMTs to arrive. I couldn’t. I’d grabbed a bottle of vodka from Mom’s secret stash, snatched my purse and cell phone off the counter, and walked barefoot down to the river. It was late, dark enough that I blended with the shadows. Dark enough that the dried blood stains on my uniform were barely noticeable. But I felt them. I smelled them. That cloying metallic twang lingering on me. Infecting me.
I took a big gulp of vodka and gritted my teeth as I swallowed it. It burned my throat but warmed my insides.
Suddenly repulsed at myself, I tore off my blouse and balled it up and pressed it into the ground beside me, shivering as the frigid air brushed my skin.
Why?
The word rattled around my head, taunting me. She knew. When she took that razor to her wrists, she knew I’d find her. One last ‘fuck you’ to the daughter she’d never wanted. The daughter she’d neglected and berated, beaten and bruised.
I was a fucking idiot. I’d left the Ford’s nice, safe house, their hospitality and love, and for what?
“Fuck you, Mom,” I yelled into the inky night, the only answer a nearby bird cawing.
I necked the rest of the vodka, waiting for it to take hold. It probably wasn’t my best idea coming down here, alone, and to get drunk. But I wasn’t exactly thinking straight.
The vodka would make me feel better, it would carry me off to somewhere else. Or it would numb me completely.
I didn’t care.
All I cared about was not remembering. Not seeing all the blood. Not smelling it.
My cell phone bleeped but I could barely make out the small lines of text, my vision swimming. I lay back on the ground, staring up at the sky, the world spinning around me.
She was gone.
I was truly alone.
No father.
No mother.
No family.
If I disappeared right now, if I plunged to my fate in the icy river, there would be no next of kin to identify the body, no loved ones to organize my funeral.
I was all alone in the world.
Me, myself, and I.
Laughter bubbled in my chest, but it wasn’t funny. It was a tragedy.
It was tragic.
Poor little reject girl Peyton Myers. Her dad took off when she was a kid and now her mom offed herself to escape.
I grabbed the vodka bottle and launched it into the river, letting out a guttural scream. The world began to close in around me until I couldn’t breathe.
Stumbling down to the water’s edge, I peered down into the dark abyss.
Do it, a little voice whispered. No one would even miss you.
“Lily would miss me,” I said to the darkness. “Ashleigh and Bryan too.”
Lily has Kaiden now.
It was true. She was completely and utterly in love with him. But if anyone deserved it, it was Lily. She wasn’t like me. Wild. Reckless.
Unworthy.
I swayed at the water’s edge, my limbs heavy and relaxed. The vodka swimming in my veins making everything seem distorted.
Do it, the voice whispered again. It’ll make it all go away. All the pain and heartache. Aren’t you tired of always pretending?
I was.
So tired.
The fake smiles
and ‘I’m fines.’ It was exhausting, and it was slowly killing me.
Maybe if I just…
I stepped forward, wading into the cold water, gasping. The riverbed was soft and squelchy beneath my feet, but I swirled my fingers in the water.
“Hey,” a voice yelled, and I glanced up the embankment. “What are you—”
My foot slipped, the ground going from under me and I began to fall.
At first, I thrashed and kicked under the surface, trying to break free. But then I stilled, wondering if this was what it felt like. To be at peace. To finally be free.
Darkness consumed me, a feeling of weightlessness as I drifted down… down… down…
It’s better this way, the voice said.
But then everything slammed back into me. The icy water drowning my lungs, the sharp pain in my arm as someone yanked me above the surface. I gasped for breath, shivering and spluttering as big, strong arms lifted me from the water and laid me down on the ground.
“Peyton?” There was something familiar about the voice, something that reached inside me and settled my soul. “Fuck, Peyton, stay with me. I’m going to call 9-1-1.”
“N-no…” I tried to claw at his arm, but it was futile. I was in shock, my body shutting down.
His voice teetered on the edge of my consciousness. “Peyton, stay with me, help’s on its way.” He wrapped something around me, warm and soft.
My eyes flickered open, my lips chattering as I tried to speak. “X-Xander?”
“Yeah, I got you.” His dark eyes stared down at me as his face slowly came into focus.
Xander Chase.
The man who saved my life.
* * *
Thank you for reading.
Peyton and Xander’s story Tragic Lies, is available here
Playlist
Feel Something – Jaymes Young
Lo Vas A Olvidar – Billie Eilish, ROSALIA
Panic Room – Au/Ra
Anxious. – EZI
Exhale – Sabrina Carpenter
Afraid of the Dark – EZI
Why Do You Love Me? – Charlotte Lawrence
