by Andrew Grey
James heard Trevor in the bedroom, his breathing soft and gentle coming from the bed. James was more than a little nervous, but he pulled off his shirt and threw it in the hamper. His shoes were next, and he placed them in their spot on the floor of his closet. He tossed his socks in the laundry, then put his belt in its place and slid his pants down to the floor. He wasn’t sure if he should get naked or not, so once his pants were in the hamper, he turned toward the bed.
“Come here,” Trevor said softly, and James walked to the bed.
He found the covers pulled back, and as soon as he slipped under the sheets, Trevor pulled him close. James was relieved to find Trevor had his underwear on as well. James lay on his side, and Trevor spooned up against him. Damn, Trevor’s hard cock pressed to his butt. “Umm.”
“Hey. Just relax.” Trevor slid his hand around James’s side and over his belly. “We don’t have to do anything tonight other than sleep.” He stroked gently up and down James’s chest. “When we decided that this was going to be a date, I wasn’t planning to stay over.”
“But this is what you usually do, isn’t it? You told me. You take guys home for sex. It’s why you go to the clubs with your friends. You go there to meet guys so you can have sex.”
“So you thought you had to put out in order for me to like you?” Trevor didn’t stop his gentle stroking. “And now you’re a little worried… about what?”
“I don’t know. What if I’m not any good? It’s been a long time, and….”
Trevor shifted slightly. “What is it you’re really afraid of?”
James slowly rolled over, and Trevor held him once again, stroking his back. “I haven’t dated anyone since that guy a long time ago. I was nineteen and met him at my mom and dad’s country club, the one you gave me the ride home from. He was nice.”
“Is this Collin?” Trevor asked.
“Yeah. My mom liked him and sort of pushed the two of us together. His parents were friends of my mom and dad, so they thought we’d get along. Collin was from a good family and all that.”
“I can see where this is going.”
“I don’t think so. Collin and I went out on a date, and we ended up in bed. He was fun, and I thought we had a good time. We went out for, I think, a total of six weeks, and then I heard through a mutual friend that he was seeing other people too. I didn’t want to believe it. Collin was nice and treated me well, so I thought he really cared.”
“Did you ask him about it?”
“Yeah. I had to know, and Lester was here when I did because I didn’t want to be alone.” James swallowed hard. “He told me that he went out with me as a favor to my mother. That she asked him to take me out, and then he told me that my mother was the one who paid for the first date and that he only went out with me after to be nice. Then he said there was no way he would ever stay with me because I was too much work. No one was going to be with me and take care of me for the rest of my life.”
“I’ll kill him,” Trevor said. “That little bastard. Is he still at the country club?”
“No. That was years ago, and he’s since moved away with the guy he was sleeping with while he was dating me. He said that guy was hotter than me, and that no matter how much he tried, being in bed with me was like being with a dead fish. I know he was a total stinking pile of shit, but it hurt. I still hear his voice in my head sometimes.” James took a deep breath to calm his racing heart.
“Like I said, I’ll kill him.” Trevor pulled him closer, sliding one of his legs between James’s, the rough hair abrading his in the most delicious way. “You need to know that I never do things I don’t want to and that I think Collin was an ass.” Trevor sighed softly. “Besides, I’m pretty sure that people often say nasty things during a breakup.”
“But what if it’s the truth?” James had to ask.
Trevor hugged him a little tighter, pressing his chest to James’s. He was so solid and strong. James had spent nearly his entire life learning how to be strong and to stand up for himself, and it felt nice to let someone else be his strength for a while. “I doubt that. Every time I kiss you, you’re brimming with energy, and that’s as far from dead fish as you can get.”
“Oh?” James had never been told that before.
“Collin was a huge liar as far as I can tell.”
James burrowed a little closer and stilled. “Aren’t you going to… I don’t know… do something?” He wriggled next to Trevor, trying to act alluring.
“Sweetheart, you need to relax and just be. Don’t worry about doing anything or think you have to.” Trevor guided him back onto his other side and held him close once again.
“But aren’t we going to have sex?” James said, nervous about it but wanting to break his very long dry spell.
Trevor yawned in his ear. “I want to do that very much, as I’m sure you can feel.”
James definitely could.
“But like I said, I need to do things differently. So, if it’s okay, let’s take our time and go slow.” Trevor groaned softly. “I can’t believe I’m the one saying that. I’ve had guys that I’ve taken home and they want to go slow, and now I think I know how they felt.”
“But why?”
Trevor hesitated. “Because you deserve someone who will take time with you.” He placed his hand flat on James’s belly. “I’ve told you the kind of guy I am, and you deserve better than someone like that. So I’m taking my time and I hope that’s okay. Just lie down and relax.”
James did just that. He let go of some of the tension he’d been holding. It was nice that Trevor thought he might be worth waiting for, and James smiled. Of course, he also wondered if Trevor wasn’t all that interested and was only being nice. His staying the night but acting gentlemanly wasn’t what James had expected, though maybe that’s what made it extra special.
As if he could hear James’s thoughts, Trevor said, “I don’t have a bunch of ulterior motives. I’m not a really complicated kind of guy, usually. I like good food, playing hard, fast cars and bikes, and sex.”
“That’s what’s got me wondering. Because we’re here with sex on the table and you want to wait. I don’t understand it.” James lay still, having closed his eyes—not that it made any difference.
“If I understood it, I’d tell you. This is uncharted territory for me, but it’s what my heart is telling me to do, and that part of me has been silent for quite a long time.”
“Why? Did you get hurt by someone or is it because your mom died? I know mine can be a real pain sometimes, but I don’t think I could have made the transition to being blind without her.”
“But she was so impatient.”
“Yeah. She is now, but she wasn’t always. My mom took me to classes and stayed with me so she could understand what I was going through. My mom was like a tiger—if I needed it, she made sure I got it. But I think after a while she began to understand that this was something the entire family would have to deal with forever, and I know that can be overwhelming sometimes. Still, I don’t think I’d want to go through this without her.”
“I was sixteen when my mom died, and it ripped me apart. My dad, Larry, was there for me the entire time. He thought of me before he thought of himself. I’d been going through one of those teenage stages, and I remember telling him that he wasn’t my real dad. After mom died, he proved that he was as real as any dad could ever be.”
“Is your resistance to letting someone get close again the reason for fucking around instead of finding someone special?”
“Maybe part of it,” Trevor hedged. “I was having a good time, so that was what I did. It’s what I still do.”
“But not with me,” James supplied, hoping that was the answer.
“No. Not with you.” Trevor paused a few seconds, and James got comfortable. “I saw this movie once, where one character tells the other to pretend that his plumbing doesn’t work. That he can take the girl out and be nice to her, but no sex, at least not until she asks. I thought it
sort of stupid at the time, and so did the guy she was talking to. Until she said that when the girl asks, she’ll get a nice surprise, because everything does work. And so would he, because by then he’d know her and might even like her.”
“Is that what you’re doing? Because I can tell from here that the plumbing is just fine.” James scooched his butt back, and Trevor groaned softly.
“I don’t even know why I told you that. But I do know that I already like you.” He grew quiet, and the rigors of James’s day caught up with him.
He liked the idea that Trevor already liked him, because James definitely liked Trevor. He knew he had to be careful, though, because regardless of how Trevor treated him now, Trevor had been a player and it was likely he’d return to being one again. Whatever was happening between them was fun, and James was definitely having a good time, but he had no illusions that Trevor was going to stay around for the long haul, no matter how much James might wish that to happen. He needed to take what he had and accept that was all he was likely to get.
JAMES WASN’T sure when he fell asleep. He’d wanted to stay awake and just lie next to Trevor, but eventually, once Trevor’s breathing evened out and became regular, it lulled him and he dropped off. When he woke, he wasn’t sure what time it was or if it was even morning. That had been a problem for him for years. Many times he’d gotten out of bed because he didn’t feel tired at that moment, only to discover it was four o’clock. He kept a clock by the side of the bed, but in order to know what time it was, he’d have to press the button so it could speak to him, and that was certain to wake Trevor, who was still asleep. So he lay where he was until his morning problem got the best of him and he had to get up.
“What time is it?” Trevor groaned like a teenager forced to get up to go to school. It was cute, and James smiled to himself.
He reached for the clock and pressed the button on top: “Seven ten a.m.”
“Oh crap. I have to get up and drag my sorry ass into work.” Trevor sat up next to him, and James got out of the bed to go to the bathroom.
“Are you going to be late?”
Trevor groaned again and stood, from the sound of it. “Yes. I have to stop at the house, and I’m supposed to open the garage at eight.” James wasn’t expecting to be pulled closer, but Trevor hugged him chest to chest, skin to skin. “I slept better last night than I have in a long time.” He gently touched James’s chin, which James was understanding as a clue to a kiss. He prepared for something gentle, but what he got curled his toes.
James floated and slowly came back to earth as Trevor pulled away.
“I’m going to get dressed quickly, and I’ll pick you up tomorrow about five for dinner. If it’s nice I’m going to bring the bike, if that’s okay.”
“Yeah.” James liked the thought of riding like that. It had been exhilarating. “I’ll see you then. I have to get dressed and go in to school by ten.”
“How do you get there?”
“We have a shuttle that picks me up and brings me home. We have some sighted staff, but a good share of us are blind, so one of the benefits is transportation to and from work. I arranged for them to pick me up at about nine this morning.” That would give him plenty of time to get ready and eat before the shuttle arrived.
James went to his closet, got a robe, and put it on because he felt a little exposed. He jumped and then settled when Trevor came up behind him, arms encircling his waist.
“I didn’t mean to frighten you. But I wanted you to know that I like looking at you.”
“You do?”
Trevor scoffed. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you that you’re incredible?” He tugged open the robe. “Your skin is honey gold, smooth and silky. I love running my hands over it. You have the face of an angel and a body hot enough to tempt the devil. I could look at you for hours. Why do you think I crossed that club twice the other night? Because I couldn’t take my eyes off you—so don’t hide from me. You don’t need to.” Trevor kissed his shoulder and then backed away. “I really have to get going.”
Trevor raced around him, and James sat on the edge of the bed, feeling a little like an aural spectator of sorts, not part of what was happening. “Trevor?”
“Yeah.” He touched James’s hand, and instantly James was back with Trevor once again. “I’m sorry I have to go.”
“Me too. I’ll look forward to tomorrow.” James didn’t stand, but Trevor kissed him once again and then his footsteps receded. James listened as the front door opened and closed, and instantly he was alone once again.
There were so many times when he felt disconnected from the world around him. He fully understood why Lee was having such a hard time adjusting to his new reality. As a sighted person, which he had been for the first years of his life, he’d been fully engaged in the world, which was designed and built by the sighted.
For example, his house was all decorated based on textures he liked rather than color. He knew the walls of his bedroom were a pale green because Marti had told him the color she’d picked out. Just like he knew the living and dining room were a sort of white. She’d had a name for it, but it was basically white. The kitchen was light yellow, and the other bedroom was the same white as the living room. He knew all that, but he wasn’t part of it. To him the dining room walls were defined by the patched crack that ran along the corner of the wall next to the kitchen and the filled indentations that had once been decorative molding that had been removed years ago. Others didn’t see the lines, but they were landmarks for him when he got a little turned around.
But he knew that things were more changeable, and that he had much less control over them, once he was outside the walls of his house. It was like he was in a constant windstorm that buffeted him from all sides, and all he could do was react to it most of the time. Warnings were often missed, and his day-to-day life was sometimes one unwelcome surprise after another.
James stood and pushed those lines of thought from his mind. He had places he needed to be and people counting on him. He had to concentrate on that rather than what was beyond his control.
“HELLO, CHARLOTTE,” James said as he walked into the school, greeting one of the sighted ladies as he walked past the front desk. She had started work just a week earlier, and James smiled at her gasp. “I’m here to work with Lee.”
“How did you know it was me? I wasn’t supposed to be working today, and I know you can’t see me.” Her voice always had a happy tone to it, and today wasn’t an exception.
“Your perfume. It has a nice floral tone.” He grinned at her. “Is Lee here?”
“Yes. He and his mother arrived a few minutes ago, and I have them in room eight for you.” She paused. “Lee didn’t look happy at all,” she added in a whisper.
“Thanks.”
Lee’s mother and father had been pushing to get Lee as much support and help as possible, but James was beginning to think they were just pushing, ignoring Lee’s own natural pace of learning. Lee needed a chance to breathe and grieve for what he’d lost.
“Could you get his mother a coffee, and I’ll tell her that she can sit out here and wait?” He wanted this session to be with Lee alone. Maybe they could make progress if the two of them could start a relationship. That was how James preferred to work, especially with younger students. He needed to build a level of trust with them, and sometimes he listened to their frustrations about their situation, families, and the world. It was all part of the job.
“Sure….” Charlotte hurried off, her heels clicking on the tile floor, and James went down the familiar hallway to the room he was using.
All was quiet, but as he opened the door, a wave of tension washed over him. He imagined mother and son, staring bullets at each other. “Lee, how are you doing?” he said, ignoring what he felt.
“He’s fine,” Lee’s mother answered.
“Jane,” James said as he turned in the direction of her voice. “Charlotte is getting you some coffee. I’d like you to go out and sit wit
h her so Lee and I can work together, please.” He kept his voice light, but perceived so much of his own mother in Jane that he knew he needed to give Lee a chance to be free of her protection, at least for a while. “Lee and I will be fine.”
“But neither of you can see.”
“That’s all she ever says. She thinks I’m completely helpless!” Lee interjected very forcefully.
“Lee and I will be fine.” James gave her a smile, but he was about to become more insistent if he had to. He was ultimately here to help Lee.
At that moment Charlotte entered and escorted Lee’s mother out of the room, then closed the door.
“She never leaves me alone, and she treats me like I’m stupid as well as blind.”
“She’s a mother, and her first instinct is to protect you. It’s part of the contract as a mom. I bet she always did when you were a kid. Right?”
“Yeah,” Lee grumbled like only a teenager could.
“Then the best thing you can do is to learn to be as self-sufficient as possible and show her that you don’t need as much help as she thinks. I had the same issue with my mother.” James didn’t go into how that had morphed into impatience and frustration on her part. Lee didn’t need the pressure. “So tell me about what you’ve learned about yourself this week.” He let Lee do most of the talking for a while and then he took him out onto the grounds so he could work on his sensory perceptions.
They worked together for a long time, and by the time he left, Lee seemed less angsty and more like he was ready to start taking charge of some parts of his life. It wasn’t a permanent answer but a step forward, and that was all James could hope for.
Once Lee and his mother left, James caught his shuttle back home and rode while the driver made the stops, picking up someone else along the way. He was so tired, James nearly dozed off before the driver pulled to a stop and told him he was home. James got off the shuttle and walked up to his front door, then went inside and put his bag away before turning on some calming music and lying down on the sofa.
