I pushed my hips up and against him, and he grasped them so tight it almost hurt. I felt the desire rushing through him, flowing out of his fingertips in a hot charge. Our bodies were screaming to be allowed to be together; to meet in the most intimate way.
Jason’s touch became softer, and his hands traveled back up to the nape of my neck, where his mouth rested below my ear.
The motion of his hands became slower, and I realized he wasn’t kissing me anymore. His forehead dropped down, pressing against my chin, and he stilled. I froze as well.
After a long pained moment, he spoke. “I’m acting rashly,” he said, sounding way too proper for the current circumstances.
I swallowed hard. No, no, no. No way was he doing this again!
Except he was. Slowly, he went back up to a sitting position. His eyes were locked on me, the regret in their hazel depths as clear as day.
I pushed myself back up to sitting, a mess of disappointment, lust, and anger filling me.
“No you’re not,” I whispered.
He sadly shook his head. “If I were to get together with you…” He let the sentence fly away, opting to look at the wall over my head instead of finishing.
“Then what?” I waved my arm around wildly. “The sky would fall down? There would be earthquakes and torrential rains for days?”
He didn’t so much as smile. “I would let you down.”
Pain seared across my chest at the words. No, you wouldn’t, I wanted to say. But that wasn’t the truth.
Because he was right. He would let me down. I was just so attracted to him that whenever the opportunity to hook up presented itself, I conveniently stopped thinking about those little things known as repercussions.
What were the chances that the man I was the most attracted to in my entire life also happened to be one of the most unavailable ones I’d ever come across? It seemed like a cruel joke being played on me by the gods. At any moment, Zeus was going to jump into the room, his white toga flapping, to yell “Surprise! Got ya’ good!”
Except, clearly, there was no divine intervention when it came to my love life. If there were, the same thing wouldn’t be happening to me over and over again. I wouldn’t be getting my hopes up over men only to have them dashed mercilessly against the rocks.
I wanted to yell. I wanted to cry. Instead, I rubbed my face, trying to figure out how to calm myself down. After a few steady breaths, I felt cool enough to look at him again.
Jason was still looking at me when I lowered my hands. “You deserve someone who’s going to be there for you, Gwen. Someone you can depend on. Trust me. You don’t want a guy like me around.”
I scoffed. “I haven’t had what you’re talking about in a long time. Hell, I don’t know if I’ve ever truly had it, or if I only thought I did.”
“You should have it,” he said, his face serious. “You deserve everything good in the world.”
I swallowed. “Don’t you?”
He looked down. “It might be too late for me.”
I laughed and it felt like razors coming from my throat. “Well, that’s just ridiculous. God, you’re so…” I bit my tongue right before saying hot and cold. I didn’t want to do anything to push him any further than the distance he’d already gone away from me.
And so I sat there stiff, not wanting to move because doing so would be an invitation for the moment to end. Even though we clearly weren’t having sex, he was still there on my couch. We were still in each other’s presence, and something about that did it for me in a sick way.
I shook my head. “I don’t know if I could even deal with a real relationship, even though I want one. They come with a lot of disappointment in and of themselves.”
“Trust me, I know.”
“So then why can’t we just hook up and leave it at that?”
He studied my face. “Something tells me that’s not what you really want.”
Damn it. Was I really that easy to read?
“I don’t know what I want,” I honestly said. “Sometimes it seems it’s changing from moment to moment.”
“Don’t you want some security in your life?”
“Of course. But I have that. With my family. With my shop.”
“But what about with a man? Claire said you were pretty serious about your ex-boyfriend.”
I sighed, getting angry again. “Claire should mind her own business and not talk about me with you.”
He didn’t say anything and his silence added to my irritation. He had to know how crazy he was driving me.
“You know, you’re kind of being a tease,” I told him.
“I know.”
“And how does this all apply to you?” I asked, my voice rising. “You’re just not going to have sex ever again? Or at least not till you find your soul mate?”
His eyebrows bunched together. “I didn’t say that.”
“So you do hook up. Just not with me.”
He rubbed his forehead, looking about as frustrated as I felt. “I don’t want to hurt you.” He sighed.
“You don’t even know me, Jason. Not really. So you don’t know what would or wouldn’t hurt me.”
He smiled sadly. “What if we did have sex, then I left in a few days, and we never saw each other again? How would you feel about it?”
“Fine.”
He smirked in that sexy way that made me want to lick him up and down. “You’re a bad liar.”
I pressed my lips together. “Stop telling me how I feel.”
He sat up straighter and I flinched, not wanting the conversation to continue but also not able to bear the thought of him leaving.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m going to try to stop doing that.”
“Good.” I crossed my arms, then realized I didn’t have a shirt on. I looked across the floor and spotted it a few inches from him. “Will you hand me my shirt, please?”
He picked it up and passed it over. Our hands brushed and electricity popped up and down my arm.
“I should go,” he said.
I exhaled sharply. I didn’t want to drive across town with him in my car, but there was no other choice. He could have been the world’s biggest tease, but I wasn’t mean enough to make him walk back in the dark, cold night.
“I’ll get my keys,” I said, standing up.
“No, I mean I should go. For real this time.” He stood and faced me. “I’m going to leave town and go back to New York.”
“Tomorrow’s Christmas Eve,” I dumbly said.
He didn’t look at me. “I can’t do this to you anymore. I’m not going to ruin your Christmas.”
It was a little too late for that. In fact, Christmas would assuredly never be the same again. Each and every year, I would be doomed to think of him.
“But my parents,” I feebly argued. “They’ll be hurt. They’ll think you didn’t like them.”
“I’ll tell them something came up. I’ll say something is happening with a property.” He turned and walked for the front door, still not looking at me. “I’ll wait outside for you.”
The door opened and closed, and I stood there staring at it, watching uselessly as my whole being broke into a million painful fragments.
CHAPTER NINE
Jason
We didn’t speak the whole way to the Lawrences’. Next to me, Gwen gripped the steering wheel and stared straight ahead. The snow was back, swirling down with a ferocity reminiscent of New York weather.
My hands ached with the need to touch her. Twice, I almost told her to pull the car over so that I could unbuckle her and drag her into my lap. I kept myself in check, though, because doing that would have been selfish and not fair to her.
How could I tell her I cared for her — cared in a way I hadn’t in years? If she only knew the truth of how I felt, it would have been all the reason needed for us to get together. It would have given the relationship some hope.
Or at least would have seemed to, because, really, there was no hope. If w
e started seeing each other I would let her down sooner or later. I wasn’t ready for a real relationship. Not when the pain from my marriage was so fresh.
After parking the car in the driveway, she climbed out and slammed the door, stalking off for the house. By the time I got to the foyer, she was gone. Sighing, I hung up my jacket. Sounds of the family talking came from the living room. Harry appeared in the doorway.
“Where’s Gwen?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I suppose she went upstairs.”
“Ah. That sounds about right.” He glanced in the direction of the staircase, then back at me. “We’re playing charades. Come on in and join us.”
“Sounds like fun. I’m pretty exhausted, but thank you.”
“All right.” He hesitated, looking like he had more to say. Eventually, he just smiled. “Sleep well.”
“You too.”
He went back into the living room and I trudged down the hallway. Leaving was going to be difficult, and not just because it was Christmas, and I had no one else to spend it with. The Lawrences had made me feel welcome in a way no other family besides Miles’ ever had. Just the thought of giving that up was gut wrenching.
It had to be done, though, if I could possibly spare both Gwen and myself any more heartache.
Back in the guest bedroom, I pulled out my laptop and collapsed onto the bed. Opening the browser, I began searching for flights for the next morning. The lump in my throat grew harder and harder with each click of the mouse.
It wasn’t long before I began to notice a trend. Flights to New York were getting pulled left and right. Sitting up straight, I pulled out my phone. There was only one thing left to do: book a private flight.
The person to do that was Germain, one of my office assistants who sometimes doubled as personal assistant. I kept him on speed dial, as he was great to have in an emergency. He’d booked lots of flights for me before, and would be able to get me a small private jet in no time.
“Hello Mr. Adler,” he said after the second ring.
“Germain, sorry to call tonight.”
“It’s quite all right,” he said. “What can I do for you, sir?”
“I need a flight to New York for tomorrow. As early as possible.”
“All right,” he smoothly replied. “I’m looking now. It may be difficult to find something, though.”
“I know,” I said, realizing that since the next day was Christmas Eve, everything was likely booked.
I waited for a moment while he browsed flights.
“Let’s see,” he said. “It looks like everything here is canceled.”
“What? Why?”
“There’s a big storm going across the east coast. Have you seen it on the weather?”
“A little,” I said, feeling incredibly out of touch with the world. I’d barely checked my email since arriving in Crystal Brook and the only time I’d looked at a television screen had been to play video games. I’d heard about the snow on the radio earlier of course, but they hadn’t mentioned New York. Or rather, they probably had, and I’d just been too distracted with thoughts of Gwen.
“It’s passing through New York now and it should be where you are in North Carolina early tomorrow morning. According to the weather doppler I’m looking at, you should be getting heavy flurries now.”
“Damn it,” I cursed. “Can you get me a private jet? I don’t have to go back to New York. A flight to Miami or anywhere for the weekend is fine.”
He sucked in a sharp breath. “It looks like the Raleigh-Durham airport is as good as closed. Nothing is coming in or going out of North Carolina.”
I ran a hand through my hair, grabbing tightly at the roots. “Damn. Aren’t there any other airports?”
“There are a couple smaller ones, but if RDU isn’t sending out flights, they probably aren’t either.”
I cursed again. Was this the Gods intervening or what?
Germain spoke again. “I can keep looking and text you if anything changes.”
“Yes, do that. Thanks.”
I hung up and threw the phone down on the bed, then collapsed flat on my back. My entire body was tense, like a twisted up slinky that wanted nothing more than to be allowed to spring free. The conflicting desires for Gwen and the needs to both escape Crystal Brook and stay in it battled deep inside of me, adding to the frustration.
I closed my laptop and pushed it to the end of the bed, not even able to summon the energy needed to put it back in its case. The taste of Gwen’s lips still lingered in my mouth and I ran my tongue over my teeth, savoring it. We had been so close to the point of no return.
I closed my eyes, giving in to the image of her in her bra swimming in front of me.
We both wanted the other one so badly, but there was nothing to be done about it.
And now we’re stuck together. Merry friggin’ Christmas.
There was nothing to do but make the best of the situation. I tried to imagine her face when she saw me still in Crystal Brook the next morning. I’d be lucky if I didn’t end up with pancakes in my face. That would make two times I’d told her I was going to leave when I didn’t.
I pushed the visions of her away, focusing on breathing steadily in and out instead. It worked, and I eventually fell asleep.
When I opened the gate to the little white picket fence, I knew I was dreaming. For one, it was not only daytime, it was also spring. For another, Gwen was next to me and smiling. Her cheeks rosy and her hair in a loose ponytail, she wore a sundress and beamed against the lush green background. She turned and walked up a drive and I followed, feeling light and brighter than the crystal blue sky itself. The front windows in the two story house in front of us were open to let in the breeze, their red shutters and matching door welcoming us in.
It was our house, I knew. Our home.
Gwen walked through the front door and disappeared somewhere off the hall. On the threshold, I froze. From behind, a light wind kissed my neck. In front of me soft piano music floated down the hallway. The distinct smell of bread baking filled the air, and Gwen called my name.
I took a step forward, meaning to find her. Before I could go any further, though, a shrieking noise surrounded me.
I jerked and sat up straight. I was still in the guestroom at the Lawrences’, the small side table lamp I’d left on blinding me. The assaulting noise came from my phone, although it was really nothing more than the ringer. I grabbed it, glancing at the side clock. Ten past midnight. Who would call me so late?
My ex-wife, that was who.
I sucked in a sharp breath, studying Jess’ name as if it might provide some answer as to why the last few years had ever even happened.
I was almost afraid to answer it, but I had to. It had been too long since we’d spoken, and if I didn’t answer her call, the curiosity would kill me.
So I swiped the green button.
“Hello?”
“Jason?” Her voice sounded choked.
“Jess. Is everything all right?”
“I… yeah,” she said. “I just wanted to talk to you. It’s Christmas Eve.”
“It is,” I agreed.
A long silence followed. I could hear what sounded like the television in the background. Where was she? At her apartment in midtown? At the home of a lover? I’d heard through the grapevine that she’d gotten a new boyfriend that fall.
“How are you?” I asked.
“Good.” Her voice was still choked and thin. Something was wrong.
“I talked to Miles the other day,” I said. “Is this about the—”
“No,” she cut me off. “It doesn’t have anything to do with our lawyers. It’s not about anything like that.”
“Oh.” I sat up straighter, swinging my feet off the bed and planting them on the floor.
“I just… I miss you.”
My heart swelled and then collapsed, every emotion I’d ever felt about her rushing in at me at a thousand miles per hour.
“Oh,” I re
peated, feeling more like a broken record than a human being.
“Do you miss me?” she asked, the words so weak and thin they made me think she was crying.
I licked my lips. They were dry as sawdust, just like the rest of my mouth. “Of course,” I said. “I miss you every day.”
“Do you ever wish things could be the way they used to be?”
I hesitated, my heart constricting tightly. The question was so loaded. Of course I wished that. I’d wished a million fucking times that she’d never left me, but that dream was a pointless one. She had left, and not only that, she’d done everything she could do to keep me at arm’s length.
So why was she suddenly calling me?
So many times I had dreamed that something just like this would happen, and now that it had, I didn’t trust it at all.
“Jess, what is this about?”
She inhaled sharply. “Sometimes I think I made a mistake.”
I rubbed my forehead. “I thought you hated me.”
“I don’t hate you.”
“I’ve tried to talk to you, but you didn’t show any interest in doing the same.”
“I was being stupid.”
I thought about pointing out how ruthless she was when it came to getting my money, but I really didn’t care about that. Like I’d already told Miles, she could have whatever she wanted. When we got married, I vowed to take care of her for the rest of her life. If that meant sharing half of everything, then fine. I had more than enough for myself.
“You left me,” I said, stating the obvious.
“I know.”
“Jess,” I said, working to keep my voice steady. “I will always love you, no matter what.”
A choked sob came across the line. “Do you ever think about us getting back together?”
“I don’t let myself think that way.”
“What if I said that I wanted to? Would you take me back?”
I froze. Would I take her back? Could it really be that simple?
“Jason?” she pressed.
“I… I don’t know.”
“What do you mean? How can you not know?”
“Jess… I made a commitment to you for life. That was a big deal for me.”
“I know. It was for me too.”
Damaged (Crystal Brook Billionaires) Page 15
