by Brandon Witt
Finn sobbing.
Finn.
My breath caught, the hole in my chest that never closed overtaking the rest of me, leaving me empty and weighted down. Before I realized it was me, I exhaled a deep, pain-filled moan, pulling my knees up to my chest and burying my head in my arms.
In a sympathetic gesture, the seal growled, low and gravelly, its flippers draping over my feet.
I let my hand fall onto its slick, smooth head. It shifted its weight, pushing against me.
I couldn’t remember a time I had ever felt so lost. As the thought occurred to me, it seemed rather ludicrous. In the past several days I had learned I was a demon, I had fallen in love, my best friend had been murdered. Still, sitting here on the beach, a sensation of utter vacancy washed over me. What was I doing? What had I been thinking?
I made a motion to stand up, the seal shuffling a couple of feet away. I needed to go back. Tell Finn I was an idiot. Beg him to forgive me.
Then what? Feel loved and less guilty for hurting him? Freak out when I see forever in his eyes again? Wait for a few weeks or months until I can’t take the pressure any more and then leave again? Maybe wait until we discover together what type of monster I really am so he can see I’m not the man he needs anyway, and then leave?
I fell back to the sand. No. I’d done the right thing. It was the right thing. It had to be. Grandpa always said “the right thing to do is never easy and it always hurts.” A snort broke from me as a picture of his old, bitter face came to mind. Well, Grandpa, I’m sure you’d love this. Your fagotty demon grandson, alone and sobbing on a beach. You’d just smile and say you told me so, huh?
I’d tried to ignore the feeling the past couple of days, but it had continued to grow. I think I’d subconsciously known I was going to hurt Finn. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to be the man he thought I was. Not the marry-me-forever kind. Not even the I’m-a-human-with-a-soul kind. It was right that I leave. Right that I hurt him now, hurt us now, before more time passed. Before I might not be able to walk away.
I looked out at the sea. The water was perfectly smooth, the only movement the gentle surf meeting the shore. That was where I should be. Get lost in the waves, lost in the depths. All my answers were there. I knew it as surely as I knew anything. I could leave the demon behind. Leave the people. They all wanted too much from me. They wanted me to keep them safe from vampires. Wanted me to love them. Wanted to die on me. Wanted to leave me alone.
Even if the sea didn’t have any answers, it had water. Endless water that I could search for the eternity I had in front of me, and maybe never discover all there was to discover. Endless water that didn’t have any expectations.
I stood up again, frightening the seal that had almost made it back to me. Without looking around, I slipped out of my clothes, letting them stay where they fell.
Two giant strides and I was in the water. It had crept up past my chest when, once again, the vision of the desecrated kelp forest flooded my mind, stopping me dead in my tracks.
The sea did have an expectation of me. Not to kill it. An expectation I couldn’t keep.
My body longed to dive beneath the surface, to swim until time ended. I couldn’t. I couldn’t let myself disappoint Finn. How could I do anything different to the ocean, the only thing I loved as much as him?
Feeling something rub against my chest, I looked down. The seal was paddling in front of me, its jovial eyes pleading with me to swim. To play. I stroked its head again. “I’d only hurt you, buddy.” I gestured out to sea. “Go. Go find your friends. Play with them.”
Without a look, I turned and headed back to shore.
Unwilling to completely leave the comfort of the sea, I stopped when the water reached my calves. I lay down in the surf, the easy waves covering me and then pulling away again.
I couldn’t be with Finn. I couldn’t be in the ocean. I couldn’t live in Sonia’s house. I couldn’t stay with Grandma, leading the vampire to her.
What was I supposed to do? I knew there was nothing left for me. Not in the human world that I knew, at any rate. Demons shouldn’t be part of the world, shouldn’t own their own homes, shouldn’t fall in love and get married.
So, then what? I had an eternity in front of me, literally. On the bright side, it might only be a few thousand years. As if there was a difference.
The water momentarily submerged my head again, stroking my hair, kissing my skin. My eyes closed, allowing me to get lost in the ebb and flow of the sea. Its rhythm soothed the hollow ache within me.
Cenera’s otherworldly face filled my mind, her fiery hair dancing as if in the waves, her voice echoing. The path to the fallen is within you. Choose to seek him.
I sat up. The fallen. The demon.
On the cliff, the thought of facing a demon was about as appealing as rolling around in raw meat and throwing myself into a lion’s den. Now, however, nothing could sound any better.
It was a no-lose situation. The demon would either kill me or lead me to my mother, who would also probably kill me.
Perfection.
I stood up and turned back toward the shore. I had only taken a step when I saw movement to my left. Turning, half expecting the demon to have found me, I saw a couple holding hands, stopped in their tracks, staring openmouthed at me.
Remembering that I was naked, I looked down at myself and then back at the couple. Without knowing why, I let out a wild laugh and flipped them off, walked over to my clothes, picked them up, tossed them over my shoulder, and walked off the beach.
THE instant my toes touched the grass at the edge of the beach, the spark that Cenera had placed in my chest the night before ignited once more. It took me by surprise, causing me to halt and hold my hand over the spot, momentarily thinking that I had burst into flames again.
Whatever the nymphs had done, it seemed that this fire was my key to finding the demon. I wondered if it would lead me to any demon, whichever one was the closest, or if there was a particular demon they had in mind. I wasn’t sure how many demons there were wandering around San Diego, or California for that matter, but I hoped there would be one close. Then I realized I really didn’t care. There was nothing else I needed to do. There was no one waiting for me. There was no place I had to be, and, according to Wendell, I had at least nigh on a couple thousand years to locate a demon that could help me find my mother. I had time. Plenty of it.
Why did I want to find my mom, again? The necessity of it all escaped me at the moment. I had never needed or wanted her before, why now? I had to intentionally dig through my memory to come up with the answer.
The vampire. The vampire that might still be stalking me. Stalking Finn, his family. However, I doubted the vampire would still be after the de Moriscos. From everything I had been told about them, vampires weren’t stupid. He would know I was no longer there. He’d come after me.
Let him come. I’d welcome it. Maybe the vampire had been right. Maybe being drained of blood really could end the life of a demon.
No sooner had I felt a second’s thrill at the thought of the vampire taking me, than I remembered Sonia’s bedroom. The blood casting a gory sunset on the wall. To my surprise, there must have been a small portion of me that wasn’t as dead and hollow as I thought.
I couldn’t let the vampire take me. Regardless of my apparent death wish, Sonia had not called death to her. I had to avenge her. He had to die for ending a life that brought such light to this world.
To do that, I needed to find my mother, find out what my father had been. Find the answer to what the vampire desired from me so much, and in so doing, hopefully find the key to his destruction. After that, maybe I could find another vampire to finish the job he had started, if this demon didn’t do it first.
As if waking from a dream, I realized I was surrounded by a small crowd of people. Some pointing and talking to each other in hushed tones. Others, taking pictures with their cell phones, or videoing me. An older woman in the center of the group,
who looked shockingly similar to my grandmother, was frowning and shaking her head in disgust.
Following their eyes, I glanced down at my body. I was still naked. I looked up at them, and, for an instant, I considered giving them the same response as the couple on the beach. Realizing that I was being stupid, that continuing to walk around naked would only hinder the process of locating the demon, I bent down and slipped my legs into my shorts and pulled them up. I tugged the T-shirt over my head and stuck my feet into my flip-flops. Once more appropriately decent, I looked at the crowd around me, once again started to flip them off, but then caught the disapproving gaze of the grandma. With an annoyed grumble, I pushed my way through the crowd and started walking.
AFTER several hours of walking, it had become apparent that the nymph-given fire was little more than a magical homing device.
That’s right, Paulette, I said magic. Magic, magic, magic. You can call it whatever natural word you want, it’s still fucking magic.
Most of the time, the flame remained a steady burn in my chest, but occasionally, it would decrease to barely an ember, and I would turn this way or that until it started to smolder once more. Other times, it would flare up and I would gasp or clutch at my chest in surprise and pain. I assumed that meant I was going the right way, so I would adjust my path until the flame seemed like it really would set me on fire. After a few feet in the new direction, it would return to its homeostatic steady warmth.
I continued walking the rest of the day and well into the night. I would stop here and there to rest for a moment or find a partially secluded tree or bush to relieve myself. Sporadically, I would stop in at a grocery store or street vendor to get something to eat. My normally heightened appetite turned voracious with mile after mile of walking.
The first place I stopped, a small gas station, I chose a few microwaved burritos. I took them to the counter and reached into my back pocket for my wallet. It wasn’t there. I could see it in my mind, sitting on the dresser beside Finn’s bed. Without giving the clerk a second look, I scooped up the burritos and walked calmly out the door as he bellowed at me and threatened to call the police. Over burritos. After everything else, I doubted minor theft of crappy mass-produced food was really going to be my undoing.
After that, though, I was careful to slip things into my pockets or waistband. Truth be told, I relished the feeling of having the salesperson know I was taking their merchandise and didn’t care, but I knew excessive shoplifting would be a distraction that could impede the rate at which I found the fallen one. Even though I had eternity, I couldn’t help but want to just get it over with.
It surprised me how I didn’t feel human anymore. I didn’t look at the store clerks or other people strolling through the streets as people. Well, I guess I did. They were people. I wasn’t. I didn’t know what I was, but I knew I wasn’t one of them. What did their petty, simple lives matter in the scheme of things? They were going to go to work, come home, eat something, maybe fuck someone, fall asleep, and then do the same damn thing the next day, until they died.
That night, when I started nodding off while I was walking, stumbling over roots of trees, cracks in the sidewalk, things that weren’t even there, I ignored the dimming of the fire in my chest and found my way back to the beach. Curling up on a rock at the edge of the waves, I fell asleep, the ocean climbing and receding over my legs as I slept.
I didn’t dream of Sonia. I didn’t dream of Finn. There were no witches, demons, or vampires. There was only emptiness that was occasionally overcome by the dark currents in the deep.
THE screeching of sea gulls woke me a little after dawn. I opened my eyes to see scores of their white faces peering stupidly at me, their beaks open in a ceaseless cacophony. Thrashing my arms in the air, I stood up, scattering the birds back to the sky. As I did so, something cut into my foot, causing me to stumble back onto the rock, slicing my hand on something else as I reached out to steady myself.
Glaring down at my bleeding hand, I saw a partially shattered sea urchin. A glance showed the same fate had befallen another of the black, spiny creatures, crushed beneath my foot. Getting up once more, carefully, I discovered the rock was completely enveloped in hundreds, if not thousands, of thorny urchins that had arrived while I slept.
Making my way off the rock as meticulously as possible, I still trampled several others of the tiny animals, each one taking its revenge on my hands, feet, and knees. Reaching the sand, I inspected the twenty or so cuts on my body. Each one stung sharply, the salt on my skin increasing the burn.
In the back of my mind, a picture of Finn’s handsome face rose. With no more effort than an invoking thought, he would have healed each slice, making my skin as good as new, if not better. One more piece of evidence before the jury. One man good, pure of heart, loving. The other a thief, an incinerator, not even a man. I was right to leave.
Before I had a chance to feel his absence, I shoved him roughly from my mind and started out toward the spot I had last felt the warmth of the nymph-fire the night before.
I walked the rest of the day, having to stop and rest more frequently than I had the day before. My wounds burned and itched more with every step I took. At times, I feared their ache would overshadow the burn in my chest, causing me to lose my way, but the tiny flame continued to burn, guiding me ever further.
Around noon, I swiped a tube of Neosporin from a pharmacy. It seemed to cool the ache for a few moments. However, the relief fled as soon as I started out again.
Night had fallen, and I was preparing to head for the beach to sleep once again, urchins and sea gulls be damned, when the fire within blazed white hot, taking the breath from me. I stood there, clutching my chest, doing my best to breathe before I passed out.
Sucking in insignificant amounts of air, I glanced around. I was less than a mile from Tijuana, and to the west I could see the ocean. Other than that, there was nothing around besides a few rocky cliffs. No houses or buildings of any kind.
Still, the fire hadn’t burned like this before. I knew this wasn’t a little you’re-getting-warmer-keep-going tingle. This was the real thing. The fallen one was close. Here. Still searching, I couldn’t find anything that could give me a clue as to where the demon might be.
Seek him and you shall find him. Surprised I had enough faith to pay any attention to Cenera’s words, I closed my eyes, focusing entirely on the firestorm within me.
In blindness, my arms at my sides, my feet moved forward. Each step made the inferno increase. Every so often, the pain would lessen and I would adjust my direction.
Several minutes later, I felt the softness of the grass beneath my feet give way to a crunching, uneven surface. I was at the cliff’s edge. Eyes smashed shut, every ounce of my being centered around the swelling agony within me, I made my way down the steep jutting surface, crab-walking with my hands held out behind me, gradually making my way down.
I didn’t stumble or slip. Though my breath was coming in short wheezes, my body was guided by the heat within. After what was probably twenty or thirty feet of a zigzagged diagonal path downward, the fire in my chest exploded through my body, every fiber of me turning white-hot.
Then it was gone. Completely. Leaving only the empty shell.
My eyes opened, and I looked around. I was probably still a good ten or fifteen feet from the base of the cliff, the ocean beginning a few hundred yards out. I saw nothing that would give any hint of housing a demon.
With a feeling of the monster’s behind me, isn’t it, I turned around. Nothing. No demon, no portal into Hell, not so much as a little buzzing fairy.
I looked up to the star-filled sky in frustrated desperation. The fire was gone; there was nothing left to guide me. I was three-quarters of the way down some stupid cliff just outside of Mexico, and the only halfway demonic thing in view was me.
If the vampire showed up, he could have me. Screw Sonia’s revenge. He could have me. He could send me to her.
Seek him.
Seek him.
Letting out a growl, I glared at the cliff in front of me, seeking. I couldn’t see anything that looked remotely like an entrance or a path that led anywhere. I looked behind me and down. Maybe if I got to the bottom of the cliff and looked up I could see something clearer, the whole not-seeing-the-forest-for-the-trees kinda thing.
Seek him.
The next time I saw her, I was going to strangle that crazy fire-girl, maybe give her some fire of my own. With a furious yell, I smacked my fist against the rock face.
Instead of slamming into the rock, my hand passed through it as if through air. Unexpectedly losing my balance, I fell straight into, straight through, the side of the cliff. I landed with a loud crash on the ground, the air once again knocked out of me.
Taking a second to regain my bearings and my breath, I pushed up with my hands and stood, shakily putting out my right hand to steady myself on the rock. My eyes met his as I looked over from where I stood. They were copper, and they sparkled in fury as he stood up to attend to his intruder.
Chapter 35
IDIOTICALLY, my first thought was of Finn. How we had guessed it might take weeks before we found the demon, even after the nymphs’ help. We’d been wrong. About everything, it seemed.
Second, I felt the demon was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. There was no other word for it. He was beautiful. So much that it physically hurt to look at him. He was easily seven feet tall. The pure mass of him seemed to fill the space, every inch of him bound in lean, bulging muscle. Framing his incensed copper eyes, his golden hair fell sleek and straight over his squared jaw and past his extensive shoulders.
