by Ruby Cruz
Luke nudged me when Colm Wilkinson appeared onscreen (“He’s got such an amazing voice!”) and snickered when Russell Crowe began to sing. But when Anne Hathaway began singing “I Dreamed a Dream,” I had a flash of memory of me at the piano, and then I don’t know what happened. Tears began streaming down my face and I was choking out sobs that I hadn’t known were in me. I felt Luke touch my arm and he whispered, “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
Instead of answering him, I shrugged my arm away and blew my nose into a napkin and struggled for composure. The rest of the movie was an exercise in futility as every scene and song seemed to force my tear ducts into overdrive. By the time the credits rolled, even Luke’s eyes were moist and I felt exhausted.
He touched my arm again. “You want to tell me what’s wrong? I know it’s not just the movie. I’ve never seen you cry like this at a movie and we watched Titanic together.” When I didn’t answer, he sighed. “Maybe I should just talk to Jane again. She said that ever since you got back from the city you’ve been acting strange.”
“No,” I choked out. “Please, don’t talk to Jane. You know she doesn’t know about what happened with Darcy and how he made Charlie break up with her.”
“Okay, Lizzy, I love you, but you’ve got to stop placing blame on people. Charlie is a big boy. He’s capable of making his own decisions and the fact that he listened to Darcy’s advice instead of growing a pair and following his own damn heart, that’s on Charlie, not Darcy. I’m not arguing that Darcy was wrong to try and persuade and even help Charlie leave, but he’s not the only one at fault in that scenario.” When I didn’t argue with him, he continued, “And you have to stop blaming yourself also.”
“Why do you think I’m blaming myself?”
“I think you’re feeling guilty for actually having feelings for him.”
“For Charlie? That’s ridiculous. I’ve wanted Charlie and Jane together from the very beginning, you know that.”
“You know I’m talking about Darcy.” When I began to vehemently protest again, he held a hand up. “Stop. I know you, and Jane’s right. Ever since New York you’ve been…off. I can hear it in your voice every time you call me, which hasn’t been very often lately, and I can see it in your face now. I think that, however strange it may sound, your feelings have shifted towards him.” He was serious now, the teasing look gone from his face.
It was awhile before the words would form and when they did, they were halting. “Honestly, I don’t know what it is I feel. He’s said and done some things that are so…reprehensible that I can’t even fathom liking him, but then…lately, he’s different. He’s…kinder now, less autocratic. He’s shown a lot more respect to me and, I guess…I don’t know, maybe I respect him a little more for it.”
“If respect is all you’re feeling, then why all the tears?”
I rubbed my eyes wearily, felt how puffy they were. “I don’t know.” But I did know.
While watching the movie, I remembered how Darcy had watched me when I’d played the piano at the Dakota, how those very songs would now somehow always remind me of him. Knowing how he’d felt for me, remembering the look on his face when I played, I now realized that his admiration had been written all over his face, that Ed and his aunt and Luke had all seen what I’d been too blind to see. And I felt guilty for rejecting him so thoroughly when all he’d done was try to protect his friend from heartache and myself from the attentions of a known predator.
“Well, until you figure it out, stop blaming yourself and him for something that’s between Charlie and Jane. Come on, let’s get out of here before they kick us out. I’ll find us someplace where I can buy you a drink. You look like you need one.”
~
When I arrived back home, Jane ushered me through the door before I’d even fully turned the key in the lock. “What’s going on, Lizzy? I know Mom was being her usual self but there’s something else. I know it. And don’t tell me it’s because you were tired.”
How could I even begin to tell her about Darcy? Too much had happened, too much I’d neglected to tell her, had deliberately kept from her, but I felt even guiltier knowing I’d been harboring secrets from my own sister.
So there we were, sitting on our living room couch as the events of the past month poured out of me. Jane remained quiet the entire time and, save for a raised eyebrow or twitch of the mouth, her expression was impassive during the entire retelling. When I finally finished with my encounter with Darcy yesterday, she remained silent. I nudged her. “So? Do you hate me?”
“Hate you? Why on earth would I hate you?”
“For not telling you about Charlie and that Darcy was the one who told him to break up with you, that he was the one who found him the residency spot at Princeton. It’s his fault that you’re not together.”
“If Charlie really loved me, we would’ve been able to figure things out if he really wanted to switch residencies. The truth of the matter is that he just left. He didn’t even give me a choice in the matter, so, I have to conclude that he didn’t really love me, or Chloe.”
“Jane, you’re wrong. He did love you.”
“Well, obviously he didn’t love me enough,” she said with finality. “But I don’t want to dwell on that. I’ve done enough dwelling on it the past couple of months. What I want to know is why you didn’t tell me about what happened with you and Darcy.” I could hear the hurt in her voice and my stomach sunk.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve told you. The only thing I can say is that I…I was embarrassed by what happened and I didn’t want you to feel bad that…”
“That what? That a rich and successful man showed some interest in you?”
“But this is Darcy we’re talking about. My nemesis.”
“Lizzy, you’re being way too hard on yourself. Yes, he’s not the softest man out there, and he is proud, but he has integrity and compassion, you’ve said so yourself, and I know you well enough that you value those qualities more than any pedigree in a man.”
I actually gave a small laugh. “You, Jane Bennett, are the most gracious person I know. Darcy is still a meddling jerk who thinks he’s God.”
“Don’t change the subject. You like him. I can hear it in your voice.”
I gave a sigh. “I’ve been awful to him. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t ashamed of how I’ve treated him.”
“Well, in your defense, he hasn’t exactly been blameless himself. He could do well to check his temper with you and everyone else. Anyway, I’m glad you finally told me.” She leaned towards me and hugged me tight. “Stop feeling guilty and stop blaming yourself for something that’s not your fault.” She pulled away and searched my face. “Do you want some more of that mulled wine? I can heat it up for you.”
“Sounds great.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
The Blind Side
When I returned to work after Christmas, I indulged in more than my share of Christmas treats brought by grateful patients and families and swore to join the gym once the New Year rolled around. A small part of me was pleased to see a large basket of goodies had been hand delivered by Darcy himself for the nursing staff. As Lydia devoured a truffle she mumbled, “Looks like even Dr. Doomsday got into the holiday spirit.” A part of me thought that maybe more than the holidays had affected Darcy, and maybe he’d actually begun to change his ways.
The arctic cold that had accompanied the holiday season didn’t abate with the New Year. Jane was disappointed we didn’t get much snow for Chloe to play in, especially since the subzero temperatures precluded many trips to the playground. I still brought Chloe to the library for her weekly story time, jogged her around the neighborhood when the weather permitted, and splurged for the indoor playground when the weather didn’t.
Jane spent weeks planning for Chloe’s second birthday party. She planned an elaborate Minnie Mouse theme hosted in our mother’s basement complete with homemade pink and purple cupcakes decorated to look
like mouse ears, a Minnie Mouse piñata, and toddler games and crafts. Chloe loved every minute of it and the children Jane had invited from Chloe’s play group all chattered excitedly as they left the party.
Jane smiled and played the gracious hostess every minute of that day but I knew her well enough to detect the strain in her eyes. I knew she still missed Charlie, and I suspected she secretly wished that Charlie and not me had been the one to host the party with her, and that Charlie would have stepped up to the challenge of being a father figure to her daughter. A part of me hoped that maybe I was reading too much into her expression and that Jane was merely tired from the stress of hosting a party for a dozen toddlers in our mother’s home.
With March came the promise of spring. Easter was early this year and with it came the fun of dyeing Easter eggs with Chloe, fashioning paper flowers from tissue paper, telling Chloe stories about chocolate bunnies and hunting for Easter baskets. The trip to take her picture with the Easter Bunny didn’t go very well as we ended up with a picture of a teary and terrified Chloe.
As the weather warmed and trips to the playground became more frequent, I tried to tell myself that I was content. My time at the hospital, while not always easy, was busy and fulfilling. I enjoyed meeting new faces every day, accepted the challenges that came with the job. I loved spending time with my niece; I absolutely adored watching her grow from a helpless infant to an independent, curious and chattering toddler. But as I pushed Chloe on the playground swing, I just felt like it wasn’t enough. I didn’t resent Jane, not at all, but I just felt like I needed something of my own. Not my own child, not yet, but something different. Maybe the reason why I’d tried so hard with George was because I’d thought I’d finally found that something. Now that he was gone, now that things with Darcy were over, I needed a different path, a different focus.
A part of me had an idea of what that focus was supposed to be, but an even bigger part of me rebelled at the concept. The idea was so against my nature I pushed it aside, only to revisit it late at night after a difficult shift at work. I searched the internet, made inquiries, garnered information and references, and then shoved all the information into a folder the next morning when I considered how outrageous the whole idea was.
When Jane found the folder while cleaning up Chloe’s toys, she asked me about it. She wasn’t confronting me, that wasn’t her style, but she was concerned that I hadn’t spoken to her about it yet.
“You want to go back to school?” The brochures and emails were there on the table so I couldn’t exactly deny it.
“It’s something I’m considering.” At her raised eyebrow I blurted, “I know, I know. I said I’d never do it, that I don’t need a higher degree, that I love my job, blah blah. But I need something…more.”
“This information is for nurse practitioner programs.”
“Yes. I don’t want to be a doctor, I know that, but I want a little bit more than what I have now. If I do this, I’ll be able to prescribe medications and tests, maybe try to keep patients healthy enough so they don’t have to be in the hospital in the first place. I know I’m probably being unrealistic, especially knowing how non-compliant patients can be, I mean, think about how many readmissions we get….” I broke off, knowing I was rambling. When Jane said nothing, I continued, “It was a thought. I don’t even know if I’m going to do it. It’s a long and expensive process and I’ve barely finished paying off my school loans as it is. And I know if I do this it’ll be a hardship for you and Chloe and I don’t want to make things harder on you.”
Jane sighed. “Lizzy, I know you’re not happy. Ever since you came back from New York you’ve been different, preoccupied. I know part of that was because of what happened with Dr. Darcy, but I suspect a part of it is also because of seeing Luke so settled in his new job and his new life, maybe being a little jealous that he was able to leave this town. If going back to school is what you want, then I want you to go for it. I don’t want you to have to plan your life around mine and Chloe’s.”
“But I don’t want to leave you in the lurch. I’d have clinicals and classes….”
Jane held up a hand to stay me. “I know. What I’m saying is that we’ll figure it out. Chloe’s older now. I can start her in preschool classes a couple days a week and I can let Mom watch her a little bit more, too. And Jackie O’Brien is in high school now and I’m sure she’d love to make some extra money babysitting. We’ll make it work.”
I grabbed Jane in a hug as tears threatened to break. “You’re the best sister.”
Jane pulled away from me. Tears glistened in her own eyes. “No, Lizzy, you are. I could never have gone through the last two years without you. You’ve given up so much of your life to help me…it’s my turn to help you now. We’ll make this work and you’ll be a kick-ass nurse practitioner in the end.”
~
I was so intent on finding my focus and researching graduate programs that when Lydia made her announcement, I was completely blindsided.
We’d been out at Riley’s Pub. Lydia had been a no-show at the last few outings with the girls, a fact which had been glossed over by the simple explanation, “I’m with my man.” Who that man was became the big mystery within our group of friends ever since her romance with Dr. Forster had fizzled after the gala. Jane had no idea who the person was, though I suspected Kate knew and was being evasive about his identity.
When Lydia arrived at the pub that night, she arrived with a huge smile on her face. After some vague explanation about why she’d been late, she cornered me while I went to the bathroom. “Hey, Lizzy, I’ve got to tell you something but you’ve got to promise not to freak out.”
“Okay.” I didn’t like the overly bright look in her eyes. She almost looked high but her pupils weren’t dilated.
“I’m getting married!” She shoved her left hand in my face and I instinctively backed away a couple steps.
“What?” I blinked at her and my less than enthusiastic response was obviously one she hadn’t been expecting.
“I’m engaged.”
“To whom?” I finally asked the question and prayed Lydia wouldn’t be offended that I had no idea who her current boyfriend was.
“I know what you’re thinking, that I’m too young and I’ve only known him for a few months but…I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.”
“Lydia, who is it?”
“Okay, remember how I made you promise not to freak out? Well…it’s George.”
“George…” The realization was slow to come but when it did, I freaked. “George Wickham? You’re engaged to George Wickham?”
“I know you and he used to have a thing but that was months ago and I hope you can put all that aside and be happy for me.”
“Lydia…”
Before I could even get the words out, she rounded on me. “I knew it! I knew you’d be jealous. Who was I kidding? George Wickham is the most amazing guy in the world; of course you’d be jealous of me. And I thought you’d be a grownup about this.”
“Lydia, wait. I’m happy that you’re happy but…there’s something you have to know about George.”
“Come on, what could you possibly know about George that I don’t? You dated him for all of two minutes and he and I have been together since last fall. Yeah, that’s right. As soon as he ended things with you, he and I started dating. Of course we didn’t tell you about it right away because I knew you’d freak like you’re doing now. He told me you’d be jealous.”
Now I began to get angry. “Look, I’m not jealous. Far from it. I just don’t think George is the man you think he is.”
“I don’t want to hear any bad things you have to say about the man I’m going to marry. I can’t believe I thought you’d be happy for me. George was right about you.”
I didn’t even want to hear what George had to say about me. I tried one last time. “Lydia, he’s got a history of using women and taking their money.”
“How would you know? It’s not like he was after you for your money. Everyone knows you and Jane aren’t exactly rolling in it. Anyway, I just thought you’d want to know but I can see I was wasting my time hoping you’d congratulate me.” Her phone rang and she fished it out of her purse. “Hey, babe. I’ll be out in a sec.” She couldn’t quite contain the smirk on her face as she shoved her phone in her purse. “Gotta go.”
The alarm bells clanging in my head grew louder. “Where are you going?”
“As much as you like to act the part, my nosy step-spinster, you’re not my mother.” She slung the purse over her shoulder and headed towards the door.
I followed her out of the bar and then I saw him. George was parked at the other end of the parking lot. When he saw me, he leaned out the window of his Mustang, grinned devilishly and gave me a wave.
Ignoring him, I demanded, “Lydia, where are you going?”
Instead of answering my question, she snapped, “God, I knew you’d act this way.” She made to walk past me.
I heard George impatiently rev the engine but I didn’t let the sound deter me. I grabbed her arm so she would face me. “Don’t go, please.”
“George and I are together. So what? Just because you screwed up your chance with him doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t take a shot.”
“Please, don’t do this. He’s not who you think he is.”
“What? Not smoking hot and available? Far as I can tell, that’s all I need to know.”
Knowledge of what Darcy had told me about what George had done burned in my stomach. “Lydia…”
“Lizzy, just drop it. I’m a big girl.” She defiantly strolled towards the waiting car, climbed in the passenger seat, and slammed the door. George peeled away and I was left standing at the front of the bar, defeated.
I couldn’t let it bother me. I wouldn’t let it bother me that I felt so helpless - so impotent. Lydia was right. I wasn’t her mother. I wasn’t even her blood sister. But I had to do something. I called Lydia’s mom, got her voice mail, and then I called Hal. No answer. Rather than explain in the message, I just asked that both of them call me, that it was urgent.
