by K T Bowes
I glanced around me, surprised at the passage of time. “I should go.” Like everything else in New Zealand, the day winked out like the switching off of a light. The tides worked the same way, snapping open and closed like a mouse trap. The sunny resting place lengthened its shadows and began to resemble a scene ruined by horror movies and I clambered to my feet, feeling the blood surge behind my knees with agonising slowness. My ribs and back ached and I contemplated Peter Saint’s empty grave a few hundred metres away. I couldn’t be bothered to walk there and shuddered at the thought of how he might look with his flesh gone and his white bones exposed. His strong soccer playing legs would be wasted and empty, no longer skilled and trained to perfection; scoring goals which old men still talked about over pint glasses filled with hope. “I did love him, Mum,” I said with a sigh. “I pretend I didn’t because it makes me feel less of a fool, but I did. My greatest failure in life is seeing how broken Pete was and being unable to fix him. I’m surrounded by my own failure. I need to go away.” I contemplated the irony. If the cops linked my new car and paid off loan to the dodgy club finances, I might be going away somewhere anyway.
My heels dragged as I turned away from Mum’s grave; the only reminder to the world that she ever existed. Apart from me, I realised with a small smile. My long curled hair, soft brown eyes and bigger than average breasts pointed to her influence. I carried her with me, looped through my DNA. I half turned as I delivered the real reason for my visit and hoped she’d understand. “I haven’t been to church for a few weeks, Mum. I’m not sure they’d want me anymore, not just because of the sex but because...” I remembered a girl at the club who everyone shunned, staring at her as she walked by with her sin on the outside. I’d admired her courage twenty years ago and wondered if I had what I needed to carry it off. I pursed my lips and gazed at the sandstone with the inscription of Mum’s name turning grey in the darkness; Karen Landsdown-Saint. She’d loved me and from now on, I promised myself I’d do better and try to love myself.
“I think I’m pregnant, Mum. I’m fairly sure I fell in love with the stranger the first time he kissed me. Trouble is, he’s a referee and a cop. I didn’t just blow one rule, Mum. I blew the worst two.”
Chapter 38
Lawrence Drive felt eerie and quiet as I walked along it, acutely aware of my isolation. Turning away from the sign for Hillcrest Road, I remembered my marital home, just a stone’s throw away. It tugged at me but I resisted, locking that life in a box and throwing away the key. Coles Beach Road cried out with the amplified slap of the sea against rocks and I dreamed of a different time, turning to face the motorway and an impossibly long tramp home.
Traffic from State Highway One pounded the overpass as I tracked along the B19 in a world of my own. When the sleek car pulled up alongside me I had a moment of panic at my stupidity, casting around for assistance. “Easy.” Teina held out his hand, palm upwards to still my fear and offer reassurance and my first reaction was, as always, foolish.
“Why are you here?” I scoffed, looking around the deserted road.
He smiled with his eyes, the stubble pricking through his dark skin and covering the lower half of his face in shadow. “Your cousin, Alysha said this is where you’d be.”
“Oh.” I swallowed. Damn traitor. I struck her off my Christmas card list with an imaginary pen. “What do you want?”
Teina got out and leaned his bum against the rear wing, folding his arms. The engine rumbled in the darkness. His dark jeans cast shadows which outlined his physique and the white tee shirt glowed with an odd luminescence in the inadequate street lights. “Thought I’d cruise by and have that chat now,” he said, sounding casual as he added a yawn into the mix. “But if you’d rather walk back to your place; I’ll drive behind you with my four ways on to warn passing traffic. It’s your call.”
I stared down at my feet, seeing the brown soil stains on my cream sandals and grimacing. The urge to take my shoes off and run through the grass like a child percolated into my brain and I craved the exhilaration of youth and innocence. My ribs jarred, reminding me it wouldn’t happen. “I only make bad calls,” I sighed and heard Teina’s shoes grate against the loose gravel.
“I don’t,” he said. “I’m happy with mine so far.”
I sniggered at his confidence. “Spoken like a true referee.” I put my hand over my mouth and added, “A blind one,” just for effect.
“Get in the bloody car, Ms Saint,” he said with authority and I fixed him with a steely, determined gaze.
“I can’t. My life is shit. Toxic shit. You can’t be near me.”
Teina’s eyes narrowed and he shrugged. “That’s why you should get in, Ursula. For once, do as you’re told. And I make my own decisions about who I want to be near. Don’t you think they tried to warn me off before? I’m a traffic cop, Ursula, not a detective. They heavied me and I ignored them.” He opened his arms out wide as though to make his point. “I’m still here and they’re not.”
I gritted my teeth and paced across to the vehicle, allowing Teina to open the passenger door and close it behind me. “I don’t see why that means I have to get in the car,” I grumbled. I lowered my tone in a poor impression of him. “Your life’s shit so get in the car.”
He ignored me but although I wouldn’t admit it, his presence in the driver’s seat added to the feeling of safety and I breathed a sigh of relief as he set off and the central locking activated itself. He didn’t ask where I wanted to go and the energy to question him evaded me. I closed my eyes and prayed for Lawrie, hoping I’d get the chance to make amends for my inadequacy.
Teina stopped in downtown Auckland and parked his car in a spot near the Sky Tower. I wrinkled my nose, knowing even when I prayed for a parking space I rarely got one. He reached for me with one hand whilst feeding coins into the meter with the other and I crumbled into his embrace like a landslide, feeling pathetic and fortunate. “You ready to talk?” he demanded, kissing my temple and tilting my chin with his index finger.
“I don’t know.” I gave a wary shrug and he smiled, drawing me into his side as he led me to a bar near the waterfront. I gave up fighting and it felt natural to hang on to the back pocket of his jeans with my arm stretched around him. His scent intoxicated me and craving comfort, I nestled closer, feeling safe and wanted. Teina ordered me an orange juice without discussion and settled into a lemonade as we perched on stools around a high table. His hand rested on my thigh, his warmth through my trousers giving me courage.
“Please will you give me a chance?” he asked, his eyes dark with anxiety and his pupils obscuring the brown irises. He reached for my hand under the table. “I don’t make a habit of falling into bed with strangers and it was never casual for me. Stuff got in the way but my intentions have remained the same. I couldn’t tell you what was going on with All Saints because I blundered in there by accident and the detectives warned me off. I knew you weren’t involved, for what it’s worth.”
“But I am involved,” I sighed, seeing his eyes widen even more. I let go of his hand to reach for my drink. “Terry paid money into my bank account and bought me a car with cash. If he was part of the scam, then that money was acquired illegally.”
Teina screwed up his face. “There’s no record of it; I’ve seen the evidence. It’s a big mess though. It would’ve been genius if they hadn’t got greedy.” He stopped and chewed his lip. “The captains of the top two teams were involved. You do know that, don’t you?”
I closed my eyes and resisted the urge to run out into the street and keep going. Teina touched my hand. “What are you thinking?”
“Why does it matter?” I asked with a sigh.
“Because I care, woman!” I heard the hurt in his voice.
“I’m thinking it never ends. The gift that was Peter Saint just keeps on giving and it doesn’t matter what I do; I can’t crawl out from under it all.”
“What do you mean, babe? He wasn’t the only one cheating. They’ve caught f
our of the twelve teams in the premier league all fixing matches. It’s bigger than you think. There was a massive fraud going on and the bookies are mad as hell. This bust might actually shut down the league for the rest of the season.”
I nodded and swallowed, remembering the kindness of the coroner six months ago as he called me into a private room. Pete’s homosexuality and the lie he lived under had blighted the remainder of my twenties and I made a mental decision to leave it out of my relationship with Teina. He didn’t need to know. I felt relieved, realising the prospect of telling him I’d been in a fake marriage had hung over me like an albatross. I looked at him from under my eyelashes and saw the natural grace in his bearing and the way he fiddled when nervous. He turned his glass in a continuous arc as his eyes darted around the bar, ever watchful. “What else is there?” he asked, fixing me in his perceptive brown eyed stare.
“He left me with a lot of debt,” I confessed. “That’s why Terry and Margaret helped me recently because after Pete died, I needed to sell the house, car and anything else I could to raise cash. I put them in a position where they felt guilty and Terry bought the car and cleared the loan.”
Teina nodded. “The lead detective’s been watching your bank account. They know you’ve got nothing.”
“But what about the loan being paid off?” I said, descending back into panic. “It’s all hanging over me and it’s best you’re not involved.”
“You’re in the clear.” Teina chewed his lip. “I shouldn’t tell you this but Terry and Margaret Saint didn’t pay off your loan or buy that car. It’s what you were meant to think. Your husband’s goal in the dying minutes of that cup game wiped them all out; they had nothing.”
“Then who?” I demanded and Teina blanched.
“I’ll tell you, Ursula but if you repeat it; I’ll be in more trouble than you can imagine. I’m not risking my career for you to go charging off half-cocked.” The seriousness in his expression brought me up short and I nodded in acceptance of his terms. He threaded his fingers through mine under the table. “But first, I need to know where I stand with you.”
Chapter 39
I could’ve lied just to get the information but I didn’t need to. I wanted a relationship with the gorgeous cop and decided I no longer cared what it cost me, bargaining my allegiance for the second time in my life, but this time with a smile and a kiss.
“Well, you’re a sight for sore eyes!” Dad grumbled as I pressed my lips to his forehead and smoothed stray hair back from his downy crown. He slapped my hand away and scowled. “I suppose you’ve heard about the team,” he said; statement not question. “Bloody idiots! Five generations of Saints and you lot mess it up for everyone.”
I opened my mouth in surprise and then closed it. If it seemed easier for my father to blame Pete and the other captains instead of levelling the blame at Terry, Larry and Mark Lambie, so be it. I no longer cared. “Yeah, I heard,” I said, keeping my tone light.
Dad screwed up his face and wheeled his chair towards the kitchen. “I suppose you want something to drink now you’ve bothered to show up?” He rattled in a cupboard at knee height and retrieved a mug, reaching up to flick on the kettle. I sat and watched, not shoving myself forward to take care of him as I used to.
“Where’s May-Ling?” I asked, casting my eye over the apartment. It didn’t look as though she’d abandoned her post yet. A pink thong dangled over the back of the sofa and I shuddered and looked away.
“Gone for a driving lesson,” Dad replied and grinned. His top set of false teeth clacked down over the lower set, creating a visual disturbance in my brain. “And yes, I’m still gonna shag her.”
I shuddered and closed my eyes, unable to drive out the mental imagery and still not sure whether to barf or laugh. “I’ve got a boyfriend actually,” I said, dropping it into the conversation with casual assurance and no longer afraid of my father’s cluster bombs of misery.
“Who?” He rolled the wheelchair to the end of the counter and stared at me, eyes narrowed. “Not some bloody yahoo from that school of yours, is it? Some ponce with a ponytail and a pole up his ass.”
“No.” I fixed a steady gaze on my father and saw what everyone else did; a mean spirited, selfish old man who’d ruled me like a king and threw my life away like a dandelion in the wind. For the first time in my life I felt grateful for my mother’s premature death; spared his draining displays of tantrum and bile. “You know him. I’m dating Foxy.”
Dad’s eyes bulged and his jaw grew slack as he gaped like a fish. The colour worked its way back into his complexion, moving through shades of pink and purple and contrasting with the tufty white hair and pathetic comb-over strands. “This is a joke, right?” he demanded, getting ready to pitch forwards out of his chair in temper. I imagined him hurling himself around the tiles in a break-dance of fury and couldn’t contain my snort of mirth.
“No, it’s not a joke, Dad.” I stood. “I intend to keep seeing him and you need to live with it.”
“I won’t!” he shouted and jabbed a sharp finger in my direction. “He’s a shite referee and Saints don’t marry refs!”
“He hasn’t asked me to marry him,” I said, cocking my head to one side as though just considering the prospect. “But if he ever does, I’ll say yes so here’s a heads up, Dad. You’ll give me away and you’ll do it with a grin on your face.”
Jordan Saint’s jaw flapped and he looked comical. Realising I wasn’t playing his sick game anymore, he clutched his heart with a wizened hand and slumped in his seat. “My chest,” he gasped. “I can’t breathe.”
I ground my teeth and kept my nerve, waiting it out instead of reacting for once. As the act continued I started to wonder and in the last seconds before I reached for my phone to dial an alarm, the front door rattled and May-Ling let herself in, looking pleased with herself. “He say I do test, ole man,” she called, before noticing me. “Oh, hi.” She halted in the small lobby with a look of distaste on her face and I kept my expression neutral.
Behind me, my father made a miraculous recovery, pushing himself upright and jabbing his finger in my direction. “She’s no daughter of mine!” he screeched and May-Ling jumped in surprise. “She’s dating a referee!” The veins stuck out on his neck and his wife turned her slanted eyes to him, then me and back again.
“He criminal?” she demanded and I shook my head.
“No.”
“He citizen of New Zealand?” She mangled the name of my homeland with her cute accent.
“Yeah.”
May-Ling turned to my father and slapped the top of his head as she breezed past and seized the stray mug he’d got out for me. “Stupit ole man,” she scoffed. She peered into the mug and waved her spare hand. “She fine. Girl is grown-up lady. Let her live life.”
I smiled and waved as I let myself out of the apartment, closing the door behind me with a gentle click. May-Ling could have my father’s dwindling stores of cash; it no longer bothered me. As far as I could see, she’d earn every last cent of it between now and the end. I’d put money on the poor woman dying first. Dad had the genes to go on forever, like bacteria. He’d paid off Pete’s loan and bought me a car and I felt satisfied with my lot. I wished I’d got the chance to kick him in the guts with the knowledge that not only did Teina Fox referee; he was also a cop.
I sniggered to myself in the lift and ran a hand over my aching guts. Period pain still sucked at thirty, only this time it bought relief. I wasn’t ready for a baby and probably never would be. It didn’t seem so important anymore and a new wholeness enveloped me, self-reliant and couched in a surety of who I was.
Teina waited by my car, his neat bum leaned against the cornflower blue paintwork. He held up the tiny fire extinguisher from my tool kit. “Need help putting your tail feathers out?” he asked and I laughed.
“Na. I think I’ve learned to be immune to his fire breathing. It’s taken all the fun out of life.”
Teina fixed his arms around my waist
and kissed me, his lips soft and tender. “Are you ready, Ms Saint?” he asked, searching my face for signs of nerves.
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I conceded, slipping my fingers beneath his tee shirt and enjoying the contact with his olive skin. “Am I allowed to date the teacher?”
“I’ll make an exception.” He grinned. “It depends how you plan to buy me off.”
I slapped his chest. “Not funny!” I leaned my breasts against his pectorals and looked up into his eyes, putting on my best seduction face. “What would it take to get full marks?”
He snorted and kissed me again, his eyes losing their humour as he glanced up at my father’s window, five floors above the car park. “Your dad’s rubber necking down on us.”
I tutted. “Amazing. He must’ve finished his heart attack quicker than planned. What’s he doing?”
“Eyeballing me.” Teina glanced up again and bit his lower lip. “And shaking his fist and, yeah, I probably won’t replicate that hand gesture.”
I lifted my lips to Teina’s and gave my aged father a show of real passion, hoping it made him want to jump out of the window. Teina spoke with his lips resting against mine, his eyes laughing. “He’s gone a weird colour. Do you want to go back up there?”
I shook my head and turned, waving to Dad. I pointed at my ring finger and watched his eyes pop like boiled eggs in their sockets as the full horror hit home. I shouted up to him, knowing he heard through the open window. “Forgot to mention it, Dad, I’m off to referee training now. With Teina.”
Jordan Saint hammered on the window with his fists and I watched as May-Ling pressed her face against the glass and then shrugged without caring.
“You told him I’m a cop?” Teina asked and I shook my head and grinned. “No, I’m saving that one.”
