“Tessa, honey, I know you hurt, but life doesn’t stop here,” Chiara pleaded.
“Go away…both of you…” Tessa said.
Chiara exchanged looks with Alessandro. She blinked back her tears and said in a cheerful voice, “Come on, how about you get out of the bed? We can take a few steps if you want, then we’ll let you rest.”
Mechanically Tessa lifted the bed sheets. She put her feet on the floor, and tried to stand. Her knees buckled, her eyes blurred, but Chiara and Alessandro caught her in time to stop her from falling. She felt her skin crawling when Alessandro touched her. She threw her arms around Chiara’s neck and between shallow breaths she managed to say, “Don’t…touch…me!”
Alessandro stepped back as if her words burned him.
“I have you,” Chiara said, holding strong on her sister’s skeletal body. She shifted Tessa slightly so she could hold onto her shoulder on one side and grip the bed’s edge with the other hand. She walked a few wobbly and slow steps; she tired quickly. She sat, her breath worn-out.
“That’s enough, now go,” Tessa said. With trembling hands she pulled the bed sheets and crawled back in bed.
“I promise we’ll go if you eat.” Chiara took a spoon and the cup of yogurt and sat next to Tessa. “Here, just a few spoons.”
Tessa snapped the yogurt and the spoon away and said, “I can feed myself; I’m not a baby.” She ate half of the cup. “Happy now?” She pretended not to see the pain on Chiara’s face. She pretended not to see Alessandro’s shoulders hunched where he stood by the window.
She just wanted them gone. She wanted to be left alone. With no one around to comfort or care for her. Bad people like her didn’t deserve to be loved and happy. Criminals like her didn’t deserve to live.
Daniel.
He scarred her body. He wounded her soul. He should’ve killed her.
She’d welcome death over the pain.
***
“I don’t know what to tell you, Octavia. She refuses to eat, she refuses to do physical therapy, she refuses to talk. I helped her take a bath the other day and I was shocked to see her naked; she’s just skin and bones. I have to promise her I’ll leave her alone if she does get out of bed or eats; otherwise she just sits and stares at nothing. She doesn’t want anyone around her and when she sees Alessandro it’s like she’s out of her mind. The doctor said that because a man had caused her trauma, it’ll take a long time for her to feel secure around another man or let one touch her. She even told the doctor that I am not her sister and Alessandro is not her fiancé and they should ban us from visiting her. Can you believe it?”
Chiara stopped her tirade only to blow her nose and wipe her face.
“What’s your impression of Alessandro?” Octavia asked during the brief pause.
“Oh, honey, I don’t know what I would do without him. Poor guy, he never complains about anything. He drives me around and makes sure I eat. He is so wonderful and he is crazy about Tessa. I feel sorry for the way she treats him; when she lashes out at him, he just leaves her room and waits outside, like a dog waiting for some crumbs from his owner.”
“I’ll be there tomorrow afternoon,” Octavia said. “My plane arrives at four-thirty. You don’t have to pick me up; I’ll take a cab and come straight to the hospital. Maybe if she sees me, she’ll feel better.”
“Yes, maybe. The doctor thinks that if we take her home, she’ll be more cooperative. We have to figure out what to do with her. I met with the psychiatrist they have in the hospital. What a moron! Nothing’s changed in this country, sis. They have no means and their therapy methods are outdated. Everyone has a hand out to get more money. I’m so glad I no longer live here.”
“Well then, I’ll see you tomorrow. Try to hold on until then.”
***
Tessa sat in a chair in front of the large windows of her hospital room.
It hurt to breath.
It hurt to be.
It hurt to live.
Pills. The only thing she looked forward to—getting pills. Three times a day. The double dose she’d receive before night. She’d feel the numbness take over her senses; she’d fall asleep faster, pain free. Same ritual the next day. Nothing had changed since she first woke up almost a month ago. Her memory of the assault tormented her ravaged soul with the same persistence as the air that entered her lungs. Sometimes Daniel visited her while she slept. He’d hit her again and his laughter resonated in her ears long after she’d wake up.
She heard the door open and close.
“Honey, guess what? Octavia is here,” Chiara said, stopping next to Tessa’s chair.
Octavia drew close, on her other side, squatted and took her hand, then bent to kiss her cheek.
Tessa turned her head away and withdrew her hand as fast as she could. She averted her eyes.
“Why? I told you I don’t want to see anyone, why did you make her come?”
“I…I thought you would feel better if you have both of us here.” Chiara’s voice sounded choked up.
“Why does everyone think they get to decide what I want? Every single day I ask to be left alone and every single day you’re back. Now you brought Octavia, too.” Tessa stood and slapped her thighs. Her hair spilled in disarray around her face, down her shoulders and back. A skimpy gown covered her bony body.
She knew she hurt her sisters with her words, but hoped they’d give up and leave her alone. Like she deserved to be—alone, where no one could hurt her, and she could hurt no one else.
She walked to the door, opened it and came face to face with Alessandro, who had his hand on the knob.
“And you? Why are you still here? Does anybody listen to what I want?” She hit him in the chest with her fists. The more she hit him, the angrier she felt. “Why, why, why?” she screamed at him.
She screamed at the world.
A nurse and a doctor approached, but Alessandro lifted his palm signaling them to stop.
Tessa’s sobs turned to a whimper. She buckled against Alessandro’s body, her fists weaker and weaker.
Alessandro stood there helplessly and took her fury. He didn’t wince; he didn’t try to stop her. Instead, he scooped her up in his arms and walked back into the room, slamming the door with his foot. He felt her go rigid in his arms, but she probably was too tired to fight him. He sat in a chair, holding her tight. She tried to push him away, but he didn’t ease his hold on her. He motioned Chiara to bring a blanket. He took it and covered Tessa’s shivering body and held her until she stopped weeping.
He lifted her hair away from her face and played with it like he used to. He rested his cheek on top of her head, like he used to. He caressed her arm and intertwined his fingers with hers, like he used to.
Tessa sniffled and sighed. She gave in, relaxing in Alessandro’s arms and closed her eyes. She used to feel safe here, and love the tenderness of his embrace. She would drown in his masculine smell. There was a time when his body felt like a shield that protected her from pain.
She didn’t have that anymore.
“I’m tired,” she said after a while.
Alessandro squeezed her one more time, then stood and placed her on the bed. He tucked her in and kissed her forehead.
“I’ll be here when you wake up,” he said and walked out.
Chiara and Octavia neared, kissed her goodnight and left quietly.
***
“I’ve done some research on my own. We can either let her stay in this hospital or take her home. I don’t think she’s getting the help she needs. I can take her with me to Italy and find a real doctor, a real psychiatrist. The problem is that I need to find one that speaks English. It might take me a while,” Alessandro said.
Chiara, Octavia and Alessandro sat at a table in the hospital’s cafeteria. Octavia was introduced to him officially, and much as it had been with Chiara, they found they liked each other right away.
“We should request her immediate release and maybe find a private clinic here in to
wn,” Chiara said. “Unfortunately the Romanian medical system is corrupt like so many other organizations; I have no idea if there is a better place for her. There are no support groups, nothing. And the doctors and nurses always have their hands stretched out, always waiting to be bribed. What are the poor people doing that have no money; are they left to die?” She shook her head, then took a sip of her coffee.
“How long do you plan to remain in town?” Alessandro asked.
“A month for now,” Octavia said. “I might be able to come back later. I hate to leave her alone.”
“I might need to go back for a few days, but I should be able to stay for a while, at least until I see she can survive on her own,” Chiara added. “Do we take her home to her apartment or to Mama’s house?”
“I’m afraid her apartment is not a good idea. Mama’s house could give her a sense of safety…but then it may also hurt her…I’m not sure she coped very well with Mama’s death,” Octavia said.
Alessandro sighed and pushed a hand through his hair. “I don’t think she’d come to live with me, no matter how much I wish she’d come.”
Chiara’s face lit up with hope. “How about her cabin in the mountains?”
Chapter 14
November in the mountains was cold and rainy. The grass around Tessa’s cabin had turned to yellow, then to brown. Dewdrops looked like white pearls in the morning’s light. Only the forest wore its dark green coat and the strong smell of fir wood filled the damp air. The top of the mountains hid behind low, grey billows. Occasionally, the sun’s rays penetrated the cloudy curtain enough to warm the chilly air.
Tessa’s days felt monotonous since her sisters and Alessandro brought her there. She had an empty, dark hole in her heart that didn’t seem to heal. She couldn’t stop thinking about her mama’s letter, of how she had nearly aborted Tessa—the very thing Tessa had almost done to her own child, only to lose it anyway. Combined with the thought of all the years she’d wasted on Daniel’s false love, she felt less than worthless.
She withdrew even more and spoke only when necessary. She’d spend her days sitting on the porch, looking nowhere. Alessandro went into town and bought her a rocking chair. She sat in it for hours, rocking listlessly. When she’d come inside, she’d sit in the living room, away from anyone, her eyes darting to the dark corners of the room and refusing everything offered. The only thing she requested from her apartment was the book “Gone with the Wind,” though she didn’t read it, didn’t even open the cover. When her sisters asked what she wanted to do with the apartment, she simply said, “Burn it.”
Each day, either Chiara or Octavia took her out for walks. She’d refused in the beginning, but Chiara threatened not to give her pills. She’d bargained for every bite Tessa ate, for every step she’d made, for every word she’d spoken.
None of Tessa’s clothes fit anymore; sweaters and pants hung shapelessly on her frail body. Before she was released from the hospital, she asked a nurse to bring her scissors under the pretext she had to cut a ribbon. When Alessandro returned from the bathroom just a few minutes later, he found her chopping her hair. Too late to try to stop her; her beautiful thick, wavy hair lay on the floor at her feet. It looked as if she’d taken a hacksaw to it. Chiara took her to a hair salon, against her protests. When the stylist asked what haircut she’d like she had said, “Shave it.” At the shocked look on the lady’s face, Chiara quickly added that her sister was just joking. The stylist managed to make it look decent with a jaw-length bob cut. Tessa didn’t care; she barely even bothered to brush it in the mornings.
The nights were the worst. Sometimes she begged to be killed while fighting something or someone. Sometimes the nightmares were so bad, Chiara had to administer her a shot to calm her down. And sometimes Alessandro had to carry her in the bathroom, turn on cold jets and hold her until she woke up.
Each night she tried to stay awake as long as possible, but eventually she’d yield to sleep only to dream of Daniel again and wake up shrieking. When she was awake, the voices in her head reminded her constantly of what a horrible person she was. When she slept, Daniel attacked her. There was no escape.
Only death.
She tried to overdose; Alessandro entered the kitchen and found her with a fistful of pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other. Since then, they’d kept all her medication under lock and key. Another day she’d locked herself in her room and had used Alessandro’s razor blade on her wrists. Her sisters stood on the other side of the door begging her to open the door. Alessandro finally knocked the door down and saved her again. Now, no room had a door—only some curtains made of bed sheets nailed above each entry. No sharp utensils were kept unlocked and someone stayed close by at all times, watching and keeping her from trying to hurt herself again. She was a hazard to herself and they feared her suicidal attempts.
Her life had been shattered and putting it back together didn’t seem worthwhile to her.
***
“Time for a walk,” Chiara said and wrapped a cloak over Tessa’s shoulders.
Tessa stood and went down the stairs from the porch, walking slowly, holding the cloak close to her body. She jerked when she felt Chiara’s arm under her elbow, but let it rest there.
Soon, the slippery mud dirtied their boots. It had rained the night before and puddles formed everywhere. The mountains surrounding the area disappeared underneath the heavy, dark clouds.
“I’m leaving soon,” Chiara said after they walked for a while. “I’ll come again, but not for a while. I’ll try to call eve—”
“I don’t want you to come back,” Tessa said.
Her voice cut Chiara’s heart like a knife in raw flesh. Too many times she’d spoken with the same cruel tone.
Chiara blinked back her tears. She shook her head and swallowed hard, then said in an even voice, “I’ll feel better if I know you are not alone.”
“And I’d feel better if everybody would leave me alone.”
Chiara stopped and forced Tessa to face her. She averted her eyes and took a step aside, but Chiara’s hand around her elbow made her stop.
“Why do you resent me… us? What have we done to deserve your hatred?” Chiara already regretted her outburst, but she could no longer witness her little sister’s depression and self-destructive tendencies without wanting her to snap out of it and go back to her normal being. She had been suffering for too long.
Tessa gave a short humph, then said, “Well, excuse me, princess Chiara for not being able to warm up to you; excuse me for taking the spotlight away from you. I know how you thrive on it, but I haven’t asked for this. Nor did I ask you or Octavia to hover over me like a mother hen over its chick. Go back to your glamorous and glittering life and leave me alone.” She freed her elbow from her sister’s grip and walked away.
Tessa’s anger hurt Chiara; she saw the shocked and wounded look on her sister’s face. She knew that by trying to punish herself for her crimes, she implicitly hurt the people around her, but that was the way her survival mechanism worked these days. Anger seemed to be the only real emotion she felt since the attack.
She walked alone for a while, then returned to the house. Her sisters didn’t hear her enter as they continued talking.
“She desperately needs some therapy or she’ll go cuckoo,” Chiara’s crying voice broke down. “She wants us gone, but how are we supposed to trust that she won’t try to hurt herself again?”
“I’ve lost contact with what’s going on in this country, but we might need to put her into a safe place, like an asylum, or som—”
At the sight of Tessa, Octavia stopped mid-sentence. She took several steps backwards. Chiara turned to see Tessa in the doorway. She stood and went to stand by Octavia’s side.
Tessa walked to the middle of the room with clenched fists at her sides, her hot, fevered stare and twisted mouth tight. She stopped in front of her sisters.
With a shaky, raged-filled voice, Tessa said, “Put me in an asylum? Go
ahead; try to get rid of me like Mama wanted to.” She snarled, hit her palms over her hips, and then continued, “You’re no better than she was; the only difference is that now I can decide for myself. I want you both to leave me and forget I’m your sister—I’m not.”
Chiara and Octavia drew closer, looked confused at each other, then back at her.
Tessa walked to the little table near the couch, pulled an envelope out of her book and threw it towards her sisters.
“Here’s the proof. I’ve asked you to leave me alone, but obviously you all think you know better what’s best for me. I’m not crazy. I just want to be left alone. And when you leave, don’t come back. You both left me many years ago. It’s too late now to develop any relationship; with Mama gone, we can give up the pretence of warm, fuzzy sisters. We aren’t.” She slammed the door on the way out.
Tessa walked behind the house, squatted and rocked on her feet. Rushed, loud breaths heaved her chest. She stood and walked, faster and faster until she began running. She couldn’t run as fast as she used to, but she kept running further away. The cold air whizzed in and out of her lungs with a raspy sound. Raindrops mixed with her tears. Mud stuck to her boots and she struggled to keep moving. Her cold, drenched clothes clung coldly on her body. She fell to her knees in a pile of mud, rage choking her. She lifted fistful of mud upward and looked at the sky.
“Why, God, why? You punished me and took away everything I had: my mama, my baby, my career, my life, my love…are you ever going to stop the pain? Enough, please… enough!” She yelled so loud, her voice broke down, her cry louder and louder.
And as if a switch suddenly flipped her thinking, Tessa stared at her muddied hands with her mouth agape and thought, I can’t fall lower than I am there is no place to sink even more…It's time to get control; it's time to move my life forward once again…
Hidden Heart Page 18
